Stress, Stress, and More Stress

Today was definitely not the best day.

I am so full of stress and anxiety, and I feel like I am about to snap. But I am trying to hold it together.

I don't even know where to start.

I went to my mom's this morning to try to get some stuff I had asked her to store for me and she made it into this huge deal about it like I was the biggest fucking inconvenience that could possibly enter her life.

So I got what I wanted and then I left. She told me to take the trunks that she had stored my stuff in and that she didn't want it anymore. I told her I would have to come back because neither of the trunks were small enough to fit into my boyfriend's car. Then she texted me later in the day saying that "Let me apologize. [personal information relating to why she was so bitchy] It's a bad day all around." and so I apologized as well. Then she said "I love you so much and yet I seem to push you away. Fuck I am so sorry for not being able to be normal." So I asked my dad to borrow his truck at about 5:30pm, and I told her that I was coming to get my things. She basically refused to let me come get them, and by this point I was so fed up with everything. I went up there anyways, and I got a police officer to come with me, if for no other reason than to ensure that I got my things. The police officer basically told me that she couldn't help me.

I knocked on the door for a while, and one of her dogs was barking. I knew she was sitting in the kitchen with her SO, and eventually the barking stopped. Which meant that I knew she was right there at the front door, but I couldn't open it. I then went to the police station and tried talking to another officer and he basically said he couldn't help me.

Then my mom said that she would put my shit outside and leave it for me to come get it, which is so dumb because my dad has to work until about 4 every day and he is the only one I know who has a truck. It's just more stress than I need.

She decides whether she likes me or not on a daily basis, and I can't seem to keep up. I can't keep dealing with this. I am pretty determined to get my shit and basically cut her out of my life. For my own sake.

Due to being out of work recently, I have been applying for jobs without much luck.

I wrote that I had an interview, and I went. It went well, and I was basically guaranteed a job, as long as the drug test came back negative. I am still waiting to hear about that, but then my boyfriend applied for a job at the same location except overnight. He got scheduled for an interview tomorrow as well, and I don't know how to feel about that. Working overnight, he makes at least a dollar more than I do per hour, but I seem to be having a hard time coping with the fact that I won't ever see him if he works during the night and I during the day. It fucking sucks, but at this point I am just happy that we both have jobs. We have decided to save up to buy a new car, versus finding somewhere here to live.

Both he and I want to move out of state, preferably to somewhere further NW of here, or somewhere that has more rain than we usually get here. That's my perfect time, and it is the perfect excuse to get out of Colorado. I don't hate it here, but I have lived here my entire life and I am tired of it. I want to be somewhere else.

We took out two loans as well, so that we would have a little bit of money for food and gas and whatnot. I wrote it down today, totaling the amount we would have to pay back, starting on October 9th. I don't have the money, and therefore I am freaking out because I WILL have the money, but I have to start work first.

Payday for working at this job is ever Thursday, and for ever 1040 hours I work, I get a raise. That might not sound like a lot, but it is. It adds up. So I WILL have the money for it, but not right now. I have king of exhausted asking my family for help, because they no longer want to help me. My grandparents are letting my boyfriend and I stay at their house, on the condition that we sleep separately. So far, we have gotten around that. But how much longer will that last?

They don't know anything about my life. I didn't tell them when I was going to the interview, and I didn't tell them that I am trying to get a car. They have no idea that I am planning on moving out of state, and I don't plan on telling them either. They don't know anything about my life, and while it sucks, I don't think I could handle being shot down as I know they would do. So I have to figure out a way to do this all on my own,

I have my boyfriend, but I feel like he is just as clueless as I am. Like where do we go? How do we start building credit, without getting a credit card? There are so many questions I have that I just can't answer. He doesn't seem to be stressing about this nearly as bad as I am, but I don't know how to stop. I so desperately want to do this right, not to fuck everything up as I am so keen on doing. But I feel like I am clueless, trying to do this on my own.

Then there is the whole aspect of my ED. My weight isn't budging, and I am getting desperate again. I stopped doing M, for my boyfriend. But also because I know what it does to me. But I am getting to the point that I want to do it again, no matter the effects. Just because I don't know how much longer I can do this. My boyfriend has straight up told me that if I were to get back into doing drugs he would break up with me because he loves me and doesn't want to see me destroy myself like that. I understand that entirely, and I am glad he loves me. But I don't know if he can understand that I don't care what I do to myself, as long as I don't have to live in this body another day. Something has to change. He tried to get me to eat today, but I didn't eat much. I had a few chips at the glances of my family, because they seemed to be getting suspicious that I was not eating at all during the day. Other than that, I had about a half of a bowl of ramen, which I wanted to purge but didn't get the opportunity to. Still not good enough.

I still want to fast for the next couple of days, but when I do that I tend to smoke a lot, and with not having started my job yet, I don't know if I can afford it. But I just know that I cannot keep doing this. I have to do something. So I think I am going to give it a shot. No fucks given.

Tomorrow morning I am supposed to get up to my mom's to get my stuff while my boyfriend is at his interview. I am not sure how that is going to go, and I don't want to even go up there. But I don't have a choice, because as long as she has my things she has a reason to talk to me. If I can get them back, then I can just ignore her as I used to. Oh, and did I mention that my dad is full of "I told you so" looks because he spent my entire childhood telling me that my mom was going to fuck me over and I didn't believe him. Lo and behold, it is happening.

I just want it to stop.