Update!

It’s a good day.

I’m so scared to go home, scared of what’ll happen. I want the help from the clinic, but I am so scared of what my family will think.

I don’t have anything to do today for school, but I know that when I get home, I’ll remember what it is I’m forgetting. Today is pretty relaxing, actually. I have a test in 6^th period that I’m pretty sure I’m gonna fail, but I can’t really get a worse grade in that class than I already have. I tried to study but couldn't focus much, and then I forgot about it later.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and that’s when I get to find out my results. I’m excited but at the same time, I’m terrified because I want to be okay. I want to get to my goal, but it seems so far away. I've had my headphones in all day, and I have to say, it’s amazing. (:

It’s helped to calm me down a lot, and though I still get irritated over everything, I don’t have the “I want to rip the heads off of little children” attitude that I had yesterday. I think i'm finally realizing the impact of everything, finally getting the reality check that's been waiting around the corner.

Sorry this doesn't make much sense, but I wanted to write something. I feel l little calmer now. Hm.

Mental health

So... Talking to my counselor was almost a complete fail.

I went in and told her about my day, how I had woken up at 4 am, totally awake, and had a good day, until my 4th class. Then I told her how my energy just went down and I didn't give a shit, and then how I was ditching my last two classes.

We talked about my mood swings for about 5 minutes, and she said that she was going to refer me to a mental healthy clinic for "depression" which I don't think I have... Most days.

I know this is going to sound really messed up, but I'm all for honesty here if nowhere else.
I want help with my mood swings. I want help with my anxiety. I don't want to have to deal with those anymore. but I don't want help with  my eating. I am not ready to give that up yet, because I haven't reached my goal, and honestly, what I'm doing doesn't even qualify as an Eating Disorder anymore.

Here's what a typical day for me looks like.
Wake up (6am - 7am depending on the day)
Drink about half a liter of water, while getting ready for school (6 - 6:20am)
Leave for school, spend about half an hour taking buses to get to school. (6:30am - 7am)
Free time at school (7am - 8am)
Drink lots more water while going through mindless wok in school (8am - 3 pm)
Spend another hour and a half on the bus going home (3:30pm - 5pm)
Chores/drink more water time (5pm - 5:30pm)
Free time/ homework time/drink more water time (6pm - whenever I go to bed)

I usually don't eat in a day, other than dinner. I drink tons of water, and I try to stay active.
I am mostly okay.

Here's the weird part though... When I say I'm scared of getting help, it's not that I'm scared of what they can do for me. No. I don't care too much about them. I'm scared of my family.

My dad is so judgmental, I can't imagine what he would think of me. And my grandparents would make a bigger deal out of it than it already is, so that's why I'm scared of them..
I feel trapped. I don't know how to feel, how to react.

I am not sure I like where this is going...