Taking it one moment at a time.

My day started with skipping my first class. I have to take the bus to school, so I was already late. I could have gone to my second period (I have first period off). But instead, I found myself in the library. Sitting here.

Not that that is a bad thing.

I wonder what today will bring.
Last night, I had a bad night. I will be honest. Maybe it will help.
All of my suicidal thoughts, self harm, self hatred, come at night.
2 days ago, a friend had to talk me down from doing something, anything, stupid. Running away, suicide, something I couldn't undo. I never did anything, but I was so close. I was numb to caring about myself. I just wanted to die, to be okay. (Totally opposite, but whatever.)
Then last night, I had found a way to manage eating. I was kinda doing well.... And a friend volunteered to help me through meals if I needed the support. The problem with that, I couldn't text when I needed her most. It was at my niece's birthday party. I didn't want to eat the cake, but I was being told I was disrespectful. Long story short - I ate it. And when I tried to text my friend for support, my phone got taken. So I was kinda in a bad spot.

The anxiety didn't come till later, when I was making cookies. I ate some of the cookie dough, it's always been my favorite part of making cookies. But it set off LOADS of anxiety, and anger, and self hate thoughts. So I self harmed. A lot. Realizing, later, that there were better options, but at the time, all I saw was that. All I knew was that I needed to hurt, I deserved it, for eating that damn cake and cookie dough. Even this morning, I still feel the anger.
Usually other people aren't mad at me, or they get over it quickly. I never, if rarely, forgive myself, and I hold things against myself to the highest degree. I am myself's worst critic. I know this, and some how it makes me proud. The self harm scars/soon-to-be-scars make me proud. Because when this is all over, they will be a reminder that I have hit such a low point, and that I got back up. A reminder that I can't give up. That I am worth something. They are kinda like battle scars. For me. I hate when everyone else sees them. Or kinda.

The ones all down my thigh though, I wonder how I will explain those to Cimiron. (my bf). I love him so much, and I see how much it hurts him when I hurt myself, when he hears about my ED. He doesn't know much about Ana and I. All he knows is that I used to have Bulimia. Not anymore. When he left last summer, I promised him that I would try to stop the self harm. For myself, for him. That plan both worked and failed. It failed, for obvious reasons. It worked, because I've self harmed so much less. Hopefully it can soon be never. He makes me want to be better. To be stronger, to be healthy. At least until I remember all the reasons why I became sick in the first place. I can't pin everything on him though. I have to want to do this for myself. I have to want to be strong, to get better. And I still don't want to do that yet.

On another note, I met a very wonderful person. I can't even tell you how I met her, I don't even really know. Other than I saw her comment on a blog, and I decided to text her, to try to get support, and to support her. Simple as that. She's been amazing to me. It means a lot.
So I told her about the disaster last night, and we've agreed that we're both going on a fast today. I've heard that if you fast after you binge, you lose more weight. I hope this is true. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. If it is true, I may have found a solution (however unhealthy) to my problem. It won't be easy, life with Ana never is. But it is possible. That's all I need.

I've completely given up on ABC. In case anyone was interested. I followed it till about day 14, but then I lost track of where I was, got into a binging cycle, and a self harm cycle. Then I got out of that, and just kinda gave up. It was working for me, so I might give it a try later. But for now, I'm not following any plan other than a day to day one. Today is fasting. I can do this.

Who knows what the rest of today will bring? I am not going to worry about it. I am just going to take each moment as it comes, do what I feel like. I hope I can get somewhere with this.
I hope everyone has a great day, take care. Xx I love every one of my readers, and the support that I get from everyone. it has kept em going, because you are all so wonderful. (:

Looking Forward

I am being productive today. Or trying.
I'm going to throw myself into school, do my chores, enjoy my last day of the weekend, and try my hardest to not eat.
My body is used to living on 1 meal a day, so therefore, to lose weight, I have to eat less than that.

Not easy.
Life with Ana is never easy.
But it's worth it.

My dad finally booked tickets and a condo for Hawaii in January. I am excited to go.
But I'm terrified. It will all be shorts and tank tops and bikini's. I don't want to be fat. I hate the way my thighs jiggle when I walk. That's the worst. So if I can lose a little bit of weight, then I can feel that much better.

I have until January 22nd. That's when we leave. I have to work my hardest.
I can do this.
Ana can help me.

I'm going to try to stay goal oriented and not give into the negative thoughts. The ones that tell me I will always be fat. That I will always be that girl. I won't.

I've got a long to do list today, and hopefully I can do it. Finals are in 2 weeks. I'm terrified. Most of them are easy, the only hard ones will be World History, Spanish, and Chem. I am so bad at Chem. I just don't understand it. Maybe I can bullshit my way thorough it, to pass. (:

So far so good today. I'm feeling good. Hope I can keep it up.
Hope life for everyone out there reading this is well. If it isn't, well I'm always here to talk, if you want. Xx

Update!

It’s a good day.

I’m so scared to go home, scared of what’ll happen. I want the help from the clinic, but I am so scared of what my family will think.

I don’t have anything to do today for school, but I know that when I get home, I’ll remember what it is I’m forgetting. Today is pretty relaxing, actually. I have a test in 6^th period that I’m pretty sure I’m gonna fail, but I can’t really get a worse grade in that class than I already have. I tried to study but couldn't focus much, and then I forgot about it later.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and that’s when I get to find out my results. I’m excited but at the same time, I’m terrified because I want to be okay. I want to get to my goal, but it seems so far away. I've had my headphones in all day, and I have to say, it’s amazing. (:

It’s helped to calm me down a lot, and though I still get irritated over everything, I don’t have the “I want to rip the heads off of little children” attitude that I had yesterday. I think i'm finally realizing the impact of everything, finally getting the reality check that's been waiting around the corner.

Sorry this doesn't make much sense, but I wanted to write something. I feel l little calmer now. Hm.

Mondays normally suck...

But not today! (:

I feel like I can really start kicking this thing in the ass. Like getting back on top of school, trying not to let my anxiety and ED get in the way of everything.

I need the distraction.

I am so sore from Saturday, and it's a good kind of pain. Every time I take a step, or get up, or move at all really, it hurts. But that just means that I've started to build muscle really. Not that that was my goal, but yeah. It is kinda nice, because when I start Winterguard again, it would be nice to not have to go through all the pain of building the muscle.

I'm thinking of going to the library after school to work, to finally get all my work done. I've got an English Essay I forgot to turn in on Friday... So I am for sure going to turn it in today. Even now, as I write this, I'm doing Psych homework.

I've gotta say, it feels kinda nice to get back to doing my work. It gives me a purpose, something to work towards. Instead of allowing me to wallow in my head, I can actually do something. I got this.

Wow. Mood change much?

I guess it's not a bad thing, as now my mood is good, happy, strong, etc. But nonetheless, that was a huge jump from the last few weeks. Maybe I'm not such a negative person. I can be positive too!

Today, I realized that all in all, I don't have that much work to do. I guess I haven't missed that much, in my time of inhabiting my head instead of the outside world. So basically, tuning out the world. Not giving a fuck.
So I'm gonna try to get all of my work done and make this week the least stressful week, so I can have more time to exercise more time to relax. (:
I've realized, just now, that i'm tired of being sad, angry, upset, negative, etc. all the time. I need to laugh, and smile, and be happy, but without my friends. That, I need a break from. Just for a while. I can do this. I will get that girl back, and life will be worth living again. It just takes time.

I'm really in need of some new music, so if anyone has any suggestions, comment below please! I listen to pretty much any kind of music, but not so much rap. Even that's iffy though, as I've begun to love "Till I Collapse" by Eminem. Weird, right?

Not entirely sure where my good mood has come from, but whatever! I'm just gonna go with it!
Hope everyone has a good day, I'll write more later, as well as post pictures from Homecoming and the Zombie Crawl! ^_^

I like the message, but the guy in the background is a little.... stupid.
Like that's the only reason the the main reason why we all hold on.
I disagree.

One last hope

The other day, I told one of my friends that never really knew about my ED. She pretty much told me that I should go talk to a counselor, here at my school. Because they might be able to listen. I pretty much outright told her: NO! I was scared to let her in, because she's an authoritative figure, she has the power to put me in a treatment facility, tell my family, something that I couldn't let happen.

So I went there yesterday, and basically told her what was going on, like everything, but not as if it was about me. I told her what was going on, but as if it was happening to my friend. And she listened, pretty much told me that I should watch out for her to be suicidal, because that could become a possibility. I am not suicidal, I just feel more resigned. Like I don't want anything to happen anymore. I just want to be okay. And she told me that there were some groups and things I could go to, that would be an option for me to talk to some people who are going through the same things as I am.

I wasn't too sure about that, and I sure as hell didn't want to tell her it was me that was going through all the problems. But when I went back today, something "Clicked" and I wanted to tell her that it was about me, and that I was the one who needed help. So I did. And she just said that she had pretty much guessed, that she wasn't expecting me to tell her, and that all she wanted to do was help me. My big issue was that I didn't want anyone else to know, so she basically said that unless it threatened the lives of me or others, nothing I said would be retold to anyone else. That made a huge difference, and we've decided that I'll go there to talk to her at least once a week, and that if I needed to, I could go there more than that, just to talk.

I'm not sure how I feel about that, because I've pretty much given up on any idea of help. I don't know if she can help me get better, if she can help me get over my ED. Can she? That's why I don't exactly want to go back, but I'll give it a try. I guess something in me isn't ready to give up. Something is continuing to fight. And that's not a bad thing. I just need to take it one day at a time, or one situation at a time. And I can do this. I have a year and a half, and if it's not better, then I'm going to have to accept that I can't do it on my own. That I might actually need help.

And I want to. I am ready. For what, I don't know. I still don't have as much hope, it still feels redundant, I'm still scared to talk to her, to let her in. But I've got the option to pull out and say no if needed. Which is something more than I had before, so it counts. All my friends here can fuck off, as far as supporting me in my recovery, because I no longer want them to help. They have proven that they don't give a fuck.

And then last night, it took A LOT of courage.... but I told Cimiron everything. Everything that's happened in the last few days. I told him about the role my friends played, the thoughts that went through my head, and pretty much everything I could think of, despite my embarrassment, and my shame. He just listened, and didn't judge. He didn't say anything either. He didn't try to tell me that it would be okay, that I could do this. he didn't say I had to do it on my own, or anything of the sort. And that was great, I think.

I had a meeting for Outdoor Lab today, got to meet the kids. And I have to say, that helped a lot with my anxiety over going. It still feels like a lot of responsibility, maybe more than I can handle. But for the first time since I signed up, I feel like I can do it. Like it's not impossible. And I have to admit, I might just be the least bit excited. Just a little. We have another meeting tomorrow about it, and then I leave on Monday, and I get back on Friday in the afternoon. It's going to be good, I think. Guess I'll find out. And I do really think that this will do me good, even if it's just giving me time to focus on other kids, not myself.

Now it's just time to catch up on a shit ton of homework, that I've been neglecting for the last 2 weeks. Plus, when I get back, I'm going to have a lot of make up work to do, but I know I can do it. I look forward to it. I can't wait to write all about it when I get back, if anyone's interested. Or maybe I'll just write about it because I want to. That's what I always do, isn't it? Things are starting to feel the slightest bit better again, even if it IS only temporary. It's better than nothing.

So that's what I'm going to hold onto. And head into tomorrow. (: I was given this life and these troubles because I AM strong enough to live it. Just gotta remember that. One day a time. I can do it. I will. I am me.