Looking Forward

I am being productive today. Or trying.
I'm going to throw myself into school, do my chores, enjoy my last day of the weekend, and try my hardest to not eat.
My body is used to living on 1 meal a day, so therefore, to lose weight, I have to eat less than that.

Not easy.
Life with Ana is never easy.
But it's worth it.

My dad finally booked tickets and a condo for Hawaii in January. I am excited to go.
But I'm terrified. It will all be shorts and tank tops and bikini's. I don't want to be fat. I hate the way my thighs jiggle when I walk. That's the worst. So if I can lose a little bit of weight, then I can feel that much better.

I have until January 22nd. That's when we leave. I have to work my hardest.
I can do this.
Ana can help me.

I'm going to try to stay goal oriented and not give into the negative thoughts. The ones that tell me I will always be fat. That I will always be that girl. I won't.

I've got a long to do list today, and hopefully I can do it. Finals are in 2 weeks. I'm terrified. Most of them are easy, the only hard ones will be World History, Spanish, and Chem. I am so bad at Chem. I just don't understand it. Maybe I can bullshit my way thorough it, to pass. (:

So far so good today. I'm feeling good. Hope I can keep it up.
Hope life for everyone out there reading this is well. If it isn't, well I'm always here to talk, if you want. Xx

Update!

It’s a good day.

I’m so scared to go home, scared of what’ll happen. I want the help from the clinic, but I am so scared of what my family will think.

I don’t have anything to do today for school, but I know that when I get home, I’ll remember what it is I’m forgetting. Today is pretty relaxing, actually. I have a test in 6^th period that I’m pretty sure I’m gonna fail, but I can’t really get a worse grade in that class than I already have. I tried to study but couldn't focus much, and then I forgot about it later.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and that’s when I get to find out my results. I’m excited but at the same time, I’m terrified because I want to be okay. I want to get to my goal, but it seems so far away. I've had my headphones in all day, and I have to say, it’s amazing. (:

It’s helped to calm me down a lot, and though I still get irritated over everything, I don’t have the “I want to rip the heads off of little children” attitude that I had yesterday. I think i'm finally realizing the impact of everything, finally getting the reality check that's been waiting around the corner.

Sorry this doesn't make much sense, but I wanted to write something. I feel l little calmer now. Hm.

Gotta love Tumblr!

I saw this on Tumblr, and wanted to re-blog it. But just so I give credit where it's due... I also found this on Izzy's Blog.

Re-blog and bold what applies to you:

• I'm loud
• I'm sarcastic
• I cry easily
• I have a bad temper sometimes
• I'm easy to get along with
• I  have more enemies than friends.
• I've smoked.
• I drink coffee!
• I clean my room daily.

My appearance

• I wear makeup
• I wear a piece of jewelry at all times.
• I wear contacts
• I wear glasses
• I have braces
• I change my hair color often.
• I have small feet.

Relationships:

• I'm in a relationship.
• I'm single.
• I'm crushin'.
• I've missed an ex before.
• I'm always scared of being hurt.
• I've told someone I love them when I didn't.
• I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
• I've been in love more than 2 times.
• I believe in love at first sight.

Friendships

• I have a best friend.
• I have at least 10 REAL FRIENDS.
• I've gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
• I've beaten up a friend.
• I've been in a serious fight with a friend.
• I can trust at least five people with my life.
• I have a couple friends THAT I LOVE.

Experiences:

• I've been on a plane.
• I've taken a taxi.
• I've taken a city bus.
• I've taken a school bus.
• I've made a speech.
• I've been in some sort of club.
• I've spent 24 hours on the computer straight.
• I've spent close to 24 hours on the computer straight.

Music:

• I listen to R&B.
• I listen to techno.
• I listen to screamo.
• I listen to rock.
• I download music.
• I buy CD's.

Family Life:

• I get along with both of my parents for the most part.
• I get along with one of my parents for the most part.
• My biological parents are still together.
• I have at least one brother.
• I have at least one sister.
• I've been kicked out of my  house.
• I've run away from home.
• I've sworn at my parents.
• I've made my parents cry.
• I've lied to my parents.
• I've lied to my parents about where I am.
• I've lied to my parents about what I am doing.
• I've lied to my parents so that I'd be allowed out.
• I can't lie to my parents.

Hair:

• I've got brown hair.
• I've dyed my hair crazy colors.
• I've had streaks.
• I've cut my hair in the past year.
• I've dyed my hair in the past year.
• I've been blonde.
• I've had black hair.
• I've had red hair.
• I've had light brown hair.
• I use conditioner.
• I've curled my hair.
• I've straightened my hair.

Exercise!

I woke up earlyish this morning, and I thought that today was just gonna be another day that I would have nothing to do, but it didn't!!

I went to breakfast, and it was very nice. I didn't have an anxiety attack, and I was able to just eat. When I got home, I went back to walking 6 miles. So I've walked a total of 12 miles this weekend! It feels GREAT!!

Wednesday is so close. I am both excited for it and dreading it. But I'll have to see what happens. I've been doing so well this weekend, drinking 3 liters of water a day, walking 6 miles a day. It's great.

Now, it's time to go study. I hate weekends when I have to study. I can't wait until the 15th when I get 2 weeks of break from school. Then I have a break in December, and one in January when I go to Hawaii. Man, I am so excited!!!

Exercising isn't as horrible as I thought it would be. And this surprises me. I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog, but if anyone does and they have any exercises and tips to share, I'd love to hear them!! :D

Hope everyone had a good weekend, I know I did!

Mondays normally suck...

But not today! (:

I feel like I can really start kicking this thing in the ass. Like getting back on top of school, trying not to let my anxiety and ED get in the way of everything.

I need the distraction.

I am so sore from Saturday, and it's a good kind of pain. Every time I take a step, or get up, or move at all really, it hurts. But that just means that I've started to build muscle really. Not that that was my goal, but yeah. It is kinda nice, because when I start Winterguard again, it would be nice to not have to go through all the pain of building the muscle.

I'm thinking of going to the library after school to work, to finally get all my work done. I've got an English Essay I forgot to turn in on Friday... So I am for sure going to turn it in today. Even now, as I write this, I'm doing Psych homework.

I've gotta say, it feels kinda nice to get back to doing my work. It gives me a purpose, something to work towards. Instead of allowing me to wallow in my head, I can actually do something. I got this.

Wow. Mood change much?

I guess it's not a bad thing, as now my mood is good, happy, strong, etc. But nonetheless, that was a huge jump from the last few weeks. Maybe I'm not such a negative person. I can be positive too!

Today, I realized that all in all, I don't have that much work to do. I guess I haven't missed that much, in my time of inhabiting my head instead of the outside world. So basically, tuning out the world. Not giving a fuck.
So I'm gonna try to get all of my work done and make this week the least stressful week, so I can have more time to exercise more time to relax. (:
I've realized, just now, that i'm tired of being sad, angry, upset, negative, etc. all the time. I need to laugh, and smile, and be happy, but without my friends. That, I need a break from. Just for a while. I can do this. I will get that girl back, and life will be worth living again. It just takes time.

I'm really in need of some new music, so if anyone has any suggestions, comment below please! I listen to pretty much any kind of music, but not so much rap. Even that's iffy though, as I've begun to love "Till I Collapse" by Eminem. Weird, right?

Not entirely sure where my good mood has come from, but whatever! I'm just gonna go with it!
Hope everyone has a good day, I'll write more later, as well as post pictures from Homecoming and the Zombie Crawl! ^_^

I like the message, but the guy in the background is a little.... stupid.
Like that's the only reason the the main reason why we all hold on.
I disagree.

Not so random thoughts!

Today has just been kind of an eh day. I don't know what I would categorize it as.

One the one hand, I'm so hyped up and I can't stop moving. I don't WANT to stop moving.

But on the other hand, I'm actually quite tired, and don't want to do anything.

Last night I got locked out of my house, and as I was bored, I decided to try to talk to my "Best" friend. I say that because she doesn't act like one, and when I try to talk to her, she gets upset. Over nothing. Like last night, she said "I'm not in the mood." Kinda pissed off. So I asked her what was wrong, and she just said "Like you care. I'm not in the mood."  And I DO care. I mean, she's my best friend. She might not give a shit about me, but I still care about her.

I just don't even fucking know anymore.
I don't want to talk to her, look at her, be in the same room with her, anything. I just want her to go away.
It's the same way with everyone...

I also found out that I'm related to Jessica Ridgeway, a girl who was savagely murdered here near my house not too long ago. If you don't know what happened, you can read the article about it here. http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20638890,00.html

It was horrible, and I didn't know I was related to her, so I'm kinda shocked.... I mean, wow. I'm actually going to her memorial service here in about half an hour. And though I can't believe that someone could ever do this to a young girl, I do hope that now her family can find peace.

I've got a ton of homework to do, so I'm hoping to start on that. Plus it will keep my mind occupied, at least I hope.

I get to talk to my counselor tomorrow, and hopefully she can help me do something to manage my anxiety. It's really getting out of control, and I don't know what to do about it. While I don't enjoy it, I'll take it over the emotional rollercoaster of the past few weeks any day!

Today isn't that bad, it's just eh. And now that I'm home I can just relax and be happy. I can blast music, and take my mind off of everything! (: It's a nice feeling.

One last hope

The other day, I told one of my friends that never really knew about my ED. She pretty much told me that I should go talk to a counselor, here at my school. Because they might be able to listen. I pretty much outright told her: NO! I was scared to let her in, because she's an authoritative figure, she has the power to put me in a treatment facility, tell my family, something that I couldn't let happen.

So I went there yesterday, and basically told her what was going on, like everything, but not as if it was about me. I told her what was going on, but as if it was happening to my friend. And she listened, pretty much told me that I should watch out for her to be suicidal, because that could become a possibility. I am not suicidal, I just feel more resigned. Like I don't want anything to happen anymore. I just want to be okay. And she told me that there were some groups and things I could go to, that would be an option for me to talk to some people who are going through the same things as I am.

I wasn't too sure about that, and I sure as hell didn't want to tell her it was me that was going through all the problems. But when I went back today, something "Clicked" and I wanted to tell her that it was about me, and that I was the one who needed help. So I did. And she just said that she had pretty much guessed, that she wasn't expecting me to tell her, and that all she wanted to do was help me. My big issue was that I didn't want anyone else to know, so she basically said that unless it threatened the lives of me or others, nothing I said would be retold to anyone else. That made a huge difference, and we've decided that I'll go there to talk to her at least once a week, and that if I needed to, I could go there more than that, just to talk.

I'm not sure how I feel about that, because I've pretty much given up on any idea of help. I don't know if she can help me get better, if she can help me get over my ED. Can she? That's why I don't exactly want to go back, but I'll give it a try. I guess something in me isn't ready to give up. Something is continuing to fight. And that's not a bad thing. I just need to take it one day at a time, or one situation at a time. And I can do this. I have a year and a half, and if it's not better, then I'm going to have to accept that I can't do it on my own. That I might actually need help.

And I want to. I am ready. For what, I don't know. I still don't have as much hope, it still feels redundant, I'm still scared to talk to her, to let her in. But I've got the option to pull out and say no if needed. Which is something more than I had before, so it counts. All my friends here can fuck off, as far as supporting me in my recovery, because I no longer want them to help. They have proven that they don't give a fuck.

And then last night, it took A LOT of courage.... but I told Cimiron everything. Everything that's happened in the last few days. I told him about the role my friends played, the thoughts that went through my head, and pretty much everything I could think of, despite my embarrassment, and my shame. He just listened, and didn't judge. He didn't say anything either. He didn't try to tell me that it would be okay, that I could do this. he didn't say I had to do it on my own, or anything of the sort. And that was great, I think.

I had a meeting for Outdoor Lab today, got to meet the kids. And I have to say, that helped a lot with my anxiety over going. It still feels like a lot of responsibility, maybe more than I can handle. But for the first time since I signed up, I feel like I can do it. Like it's not impossible. And I have to admit, I might just be the least bit excited. Just a little. We have another meeting tomorrow about it, and then I leave on Monday, and I get back on Friday in the afternoon. It's going to be good, I think. Guess I'll find out. And I do really think that this will do me good, even if it's just giving me time to focus on other kids, not myself.

Now it's just time to catch up on a shit ton of homework, that I've been neglecting for the last 2 weeks. Plus, when I get back, I'm going to have a lot of make up work to do, but I know I can do it. I look forward to it. I can't wait to write all about it when I get back, if anyone's interested. Or maybe I'll just write about it because I want to. That's what I always do, isn't it? Things are starting to feel the slightest bit better again, even if it IS only temporary. It's better than nothing.

So that's what I'm going to hold onto. And head into tomorrow. (: I was given this life and these troubles because I AM strong enough to live it. Just gotta remember that. One day a time. I can do it. I will. I am me.

Pictures!

I am able to post the pictures I took of the party thing we had for upperclassmen last Thursday. It's a bit late, I know, but I loved it and wanted to share it! So here they are!

This is the Weight Training teacher. :D

I also had some pictures from when I hung outwith Kassidy! We tried on a few dresses, and I took a picture of one I really liked. :D

This is my homecoming dress. I love it, even with my weight. :D

I am completely in love with this leather jacket. I didn't think I would be, but it's amazing and now I want it :D I don't know why I want it so much, I just do.

Today!

Today was great! Though weird.... Allow me to explain.
I only had 3 classes today which were Psych, Chem, and History.
In Psych, we got to watch a movie, in Chem, we got to do a lab, and then in History we did a worksheet but then got to leave early, as there was a party in which only upperclassmen. Yay for being a Junior!

I got some free food and I got to hang out with friends, and I got to leave school about an hour early, who could object?!? And since I don't have any homework, I have the night to just read and listen to music, go for a run, enjoy my life. And since it's almost Friday, I'm in a really good mood!

I haven't spent much time in my head today, which is great! And it was sunny outside, so I got to sit outside. I'm currently reading a wonderful book, but I forgot the name, so I can't say what it is. I love when I have a good book and it's nice outside and I can just sit there and read. Or if I have good music. I'm still looking for new music... if anyone has any suggestions. (:

Today is a wonderful and amazing day, and now I'm off to go for a run, eat some yogurt, and also to enjoy my night!

Meh! Happy days! ^_^

Had an amazing weekend!

So there's two major things I want to write here. In separate posts. This weekend was amazing!
There's a Harvest Festival going on in town right now, and the last two days i've gone. There's tons of food there, I actually tried Deep Fried Oreo's, and they are the best things ever!!! Ironically.
At the Festival, we played games, and we won some little prizes, but neither my friend nor I wanted them, so we ended up giving them to a little girl. She was so happy to be getting free prizes, and it made me feel good to make her smile. We rode a few rides, and it was so much fun! I'm sad that it's over, and that it won't be back till next year, but it was worth it to go this year! I made a pretty necklace, full of rainbow colors, and it's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself!
I got a jacket, it's fuzzy and super warm! So now in Winter, I can't ever be cold! Haha I was so happy! (:
I watched Scary Movie this morning, it was pretty funny, and yesterday I went driving with my best friend. She's actually not a bad driver, I was surprised! I can't wait till I get my permit, and then my license, if that ever happens. I'm not the kind of person that can learn it from a book, I have to actually do it. But that's backwards logic to everyone else! They don't wanna teach me till I know it!
I haven't had an entirely relaxing weekend, but i've enjoyed myself, and had a great time, so that counts for something, right?! Here's two pictures that made me smile!