Well, I'm Back.. I Think

Heya.
It's been a long time since I have written here. I wonder if anyone still reads this, and if you do, can you please comment? It doesn't have to relate to what I am writing, but anything. I just want to know if anyone is there.

I feel like a completely different person, like my life has been turned upside down.
Let me start at the beginning. During March and April my grandfather (who I really consider to be my father in every aspect that matters) got really sick. They thought it was pneumonia, so they began treating him for that. When it didn't get better, they started giving him more and more tests. In April, they finally got around to diagnosing him with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. That was a big blow to our family, because my grandpa never had been a smoker of any kind. He was always active, taking care of his health. They were going to start my grandpa on chemo, but he didn't want that because they told him that the pain would only get worse. They weren't even sure the chemo would work, either. They gave him morphine for the pain, which worked for a while. He wasn't able to eat or drink anything without throwing up, so he lost about 40 lbs in that short time. It was so hard to see.... But on April 27th, we rushed my grandpa to the hospital because during the evening, he had become unresponsive. He wasn't able to talk, or to squeeze hands, or anything. When they took him to the hospital, they sedated him for the pain only to find out that the cancer had spread to his brain and that at that point operating wouldn't even work. They told us that he only had a few days, a week at most. The night after that, they took him of the ventilator that was breathing for him, and we brought him home so he could pass on in peace surrounded by his family.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. So to remember him, I went and got "Grump-a-lumps" tattooed over my heart with his birth date and his death date. I also got a little vial that you can seal to keep ashes in. Which may be selfish, but god. I just can't let him go.

Right after my grandpa's passing, my grandma had to sell her house because her retirement wasn't enough to pay the house payment, which meant that everyone she was letting stay with her had to find another place to live too. Luckily, my boyfriend had a friend that was looking for roommates, so here I am. She ended up moving out of state though, and isn't sure when she will be back. We pay pretty good rent, and I like the people that live here for the most part.
Not that long after moving here though, I lost my job. It wasn't entirely my fault to begin with, but then it definitely turned into my fault. I started applying to different jobs so that I could be able to pay my rent and I got a job at a restaurant that is just like my last job, but they have their differences. I thought it would be a good job because I kind of already knew the ropes. Oh, how wrong I was.
They suck at training. I worked for a total of three days, and in those three days I left work twice in tears because of how much anxiety it caused me and how it was effecting me. It got to the point that I couldn't eat without throwing up from stress, I couldn't sleep, and just the thought of going to that place again to work would make me break down in tears and start shaking. It took a toll on my ED and I started losing a bunch of weight. So.... I haven't been there in like a week. I haven't called to ask when I was supposed to work, and they haven't called me either. I don't know what to think, and I honestly try to avoid it because I just feel like shit for making the shitty choices that I have, but at the same time.... it's already done. What can I do? So now I am looking for a job AGAIN, while trying to not let the guilt of being a burden tear me apart.

In my house, there is the main couple M and S, and their three kids. Then there's another couple, R and E, and one more single male, J. Plus my boyfriend and I. But their house is definitely big enough for everyone, and I have my own door to the outside if I ever don't want to go out the front door. All of my roommates are weed friendly, which is good. They aren't super strict about smoking cigarettes either, which is nice. This is the perfect place to live, if I could just get my shit together and make it work.
Buuut on the flipside, living here is feeding into my Eating Disorder because there is a gym like 10 minutes from my house, and with so many people living here, nobody really notices if I eat or not.

This morning I woke up super early though (around 5am) because I wasn't able to sleep and my body felt weird.
It's now almost noon and the weird feeling isn't going away. It feels like when I used to do meth. Because meth absolutely kills your appetite, and it used to feel like my body wanted to throw up at the smell of food and wasn't even remotely hungry. That is how I feel today. Like even a sip of juice, I can't do. I managed to make myself take a sip of water, but it's just weird because I have never felt like this while fasting unless I was on meth. But I'm not this time. When I stand up my head gets super fuzzy and warm. Almost like I'm gonna pass out, but I'm alright. I don't want to eat.... even if I do pass out. I don't deserve it.

Last night I was talking to my roommate and she seems to have the same problem I have of taking a few bites of food and then feeling full or sick despite knowing you didn't eat that much. But I overheard her tell her husband "I can't let this shit go on much longer or else I will become Anorexic and won't want to eat anything". This was massively triggering to me because my roommate says she is 6' even, but my boyfriend is 6'. I am 5'8, and she is pretty damn close to my height. She weighs more than I do (cuz she's had two kids!) but that's why it irks me when she makes comments about being Anorexic. I don't think she meant to be hurtful, but it was super triggering.

My boyfriend and I are doing good for the most part. I have been struggling recently, and I don't feel like I can talk to my boyfriend because there's so much that he doesn't understand. There's so much I wish he could understand. But as long as I keep my problems out of our relationship, we're great. We have officially been together for 1 year, 1 month, and 2 days. Haha of course I would do that.

Other than that, I am just trying to survive. I'm thinking of seeing a doctor to try to get anti-anxiety meds or antidepressants because I think they could help me. I definitely need help, I just have to figure out my insurance before I can do that that stuff, which hopefully will be soon.

I officially have no friends. My best friend of 8 years got angry with me that I didn't come visit her in the hospital when she was sick right after my grandpa passed away. But while she was in the hospital, I was going the hospital for strep throat and not being able to breathe.... AND the hospital my best friend was staying at is the very same hospital my grandpa was at less than a week before, so of course I am not going to want to go back there. She claimed that my boyfriend made her boyfriend do drugs and stupid shit like that. She didn't like it much when I pointed out that my boyfriend is 21 and hers is 20, meaning they are both grown men who are capable of making their own choices. Nobody peer pressured anyone. So our friendship ended over such stupid shit like that. But maybe I am better off without her.

So that's my update. It's been a crazy 2 months, but at the same time it still doesn't feel real that my grandpa isn't here anymore. I see him everywhere. In people's laughs, driving down the road, in the smart ass comebacks that I retort to people that he used to say to me. Sometimes it still takes the breath out of me and brings me to tears, but people say it gets easier.

Hiya

Well Hi.
I'm sorry for just disappearing, for not updating. If anyone still reads this. I don't want to become another "ghost" blog.

So an update?
I almost finished my first class for school, and registered for my 2nd class. Found out both have to be completed by May 5. So now I am super anxious about that.
I have been working pretty much every day. And along with that, I have been avoiding pretty much everyone. I haven't hung out with my best friend in like 2 wewks because she is naturally tiny and it's so trigering to me.
I'm stuck in a pity party.
I wish I was dead. I'm taking laxies tonight even though I work tomorrow morning because I am desperate. I need to lose weight.

I got drunk with my bf the other day. It was wonderful. Not doing much else but trying to survive. I really wanna dye my hair again.

Honestly, I am more active on Instagram right now.... ao if you want you can follow me at last_day_to_live (:

Venting

So, can I be honest here?

When my boyfriend isn't around, I struggle more to fight the thoughts to self harm. I find it hard not to find reasons to do it, or excises to make after I do it. I can't remember why I quit, and I keep telling myself 'just once' which is NEVER how it is going to be. Yet somehow I manage to convince myself that I can, and that somehow it will be alright.
I try to convince myself that my boyfriend will forgive me, although I don't know if he would.

Everything seems to evoke the urge to cause myself pain....
When I am at work, if someone tells me that I am being too slow, or not doing something right, or really anything that is considered "constructive criticism", on the outside I take it well, smile and nod, and comply. But what really happens inside my mind and inside my shell? I immediately start criticizing myself twice as much as whoever was to begin with. I get irritated, and I get an overwhelming sense to run. I get such an urge to go home and find a blade that usually I will "accidentally" fall into things at work. I will "accidentally" hit my hand/wrist/shoulder on walls, or shut them in doors, or do many things that just cause me pain, even if only temporary. I starve. I make sure I exercise in small ways when I am at work, so that I know I am burning more calories than I usually would.
If I am at home, and my boyfriend triggers me unknowingly, or says something that I don't take well, I simply turn it inwards. I tear myself down in every way possible because I get so mad about these things. By the time I am done, I am either wishing I was dead or wishing I had a blade.
Cutting is very much still a part of my life. Burning isn't as much as it used to be, but I still wish I could do it sometimes when I don't have access to a blade.
When someone tells me how ugly my scars are, or my boyfriend does, I just stay silent. It makes me want to cry, but I don't say a goddamn word.
Why?

Why do I never speak up for myself when it really matters and tears me down, but I will be the most outspoken person and sure as hell speak up when it's about things that aren't personal.
Why do I never let someone know that I am hurting?

There is a blade sitting in my room, right now.
All I can do is stare at it and will myself not to get up and get it. I can find temporary distractions, but even as I am typing this blog post I know that it is there. I know that it's so easy to reach, and that I have perfect circumstances to do it.
I don't know where the blade came from, and I don't know if it's sanitary. But I keep reciting to msyelf ways to sterilize it so that I can use it. And if that fails, I know I have a knife.
When my boyfriend is around and I know that I can't pick up a blade or do anything he considers "suspicious" I simply bottle everything up. I know that I can't make him understand what I am going through, why it isn't so easy to "just" find a distraction. Why it isn't easy to "just" not feel suicidal or to "just" stop.  I find it quite hard to talk to him about these things, and that combined with my fear of losing him just makes me suicidal.
I wish I was dead, wish nobody every knew I existed.

School is such a big trigger for me too. I don't want to sit down and do school because that allows for the negative thoughts to find a home in my head once again. I know they are always there, and that it doesn't really make a difference.... but I feel like if I go fast enough and have enough on my mind and do enough things at once, I can keep the thoughts away. Oh, how easy it is to lie to myself.

I want to just sleep all the time. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I think about quitting my job every day so that I can just do that. But somehow I never do.
These things are taking a toll on me, and making me feel batshit crazy. Either way I lose. If I cut, I lose. If I don't, I lose. I don't even give a fuck which of the consequences is worse. I just want to cut.

I talked to my boyfriend a little the other day, in the brief hour he saw me in shorts. I started telling him how fat I felt, and how I saw myself as a whale. I told him how the fat on my thighs makes me want to die, and now I hate everything about myself. He mentioned going on a healthier diet with me and going to the gym.... but then not even 2 hours later he was getting Dairy Queen. I got some too, of course. Because I guess I just love to hate myself. He told me that the fat and jiggle on my thighs was "sexy". He told me he didn't want me getting too tiny. I could only look at him. How in the hell could you think I am sexy when I look like shamu?! It kind of made me want to cry, because I am so far from what he sees, and eventually he will realize it.  I am waiting for that relapse.

I don't know what the point of typing all of that out is, because it doesn't matter. Everything will stay the same, and I will just keep dealing and sucking it up until I can't suck any more. I will isolate if that's what it takes.
But it's just to wait until I start falling down again. It's only inevitable. How could I ever get better from this "half life"?? I don't even know that I want to.
Most days a small tiny part of my brain wishes that my bf would just realize that I am not good enough for him., and leave me. Because that will be the trigger for my relapse, and  I know it is coming. I can feel a relapse coming, and I don't know what that means for me.

Anyways, enough rambling from my thoughts for now.

Tuesday, March 17

I opened at my work today, meaning I was there at 5am. That's early for me, but even earlier when I don't sleep well.
Which is most days.

I was hoping work would be good, because lately I have been kind of dreading showing up for my shifts there. It's just the people, they tend to put me with people who don't work well with me rather than those that do.

They did however put me with good people today and therefore work wasn't too bad.
Tomorrow I work at 11am.

Depression has been kicking my ass. There isn't anyone I am motivated to hang out with or see besides my boyfriend, and I know that's dumb. It's not that hard........ except it is.

Still no progress in school.
I almost slipped up and cut yesterday, and then I told my boyfriend I needed him today, only for him to get called into work a half hour after I got off work. So now I can either spend the next 6 hours alone, or I can go chill with my best friend.

Ive been smoking cigarettes too, again. Quitting isn't going well, but only because I want to starve, and when I starve I cope with cigarettes.

It's finally getting warm here, and I decided to put on shorts one day when i knew the only person I would be seeing is my boyfriend.
A lot of the scars on my legs are really prevalent still, and they look pretty nasty. It's triggering for me to look at my legs because I miss cutting so fucking much, but yet everyone around me tells me that they can't stand seeing the 'old' scars on my legs. My grandma took one look at me, and then closed her eyes and started crying. Before I could say anything, she shook her head and said 'your legs....'.

That was triggering to me. I haven't eaten very much since then.
I just wish everything would stop.
I wish I could stop this ride for a while and just disappear. Come back when I wanted.
But I can't.

As for moving out, my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting our own place, with different roommates. But to do that, we would have to meet a lot more qualifications than what we would have to meet if we moved in with my best friends boyfriend. It's such a stressful situation, and I don't think I am handling it very well. But whatever.

Anyways, that's my update. I still haven't weighed, because I know I am a fat fucking whale, but eventually I will have to face the music.

Thank you

I just want to say a big thank you to Bella, Cursium, and Melanie for commenting on my last post.

I feel like people say this a lot, but it really means a lot to me. A lot of the time, I don't bother to voice my thoughts because I don't believe I'm  heard.
But it's nice to know that there are still people who care what I have to write, and who are sticking around because they want to.
It's nice to know that someone finds me interesting.
So just, thank you. Xx

...

Does anyone actually read this?
Does anyone actually care?
Or is it just me?
Is there a point to this?

An update?
I paid off both of my loans, and now am free of them.
I am thinking of moving in with my best friend and her boyfriend and my boyfriend so that I can be own my own.
However, I have the necessary $600, but I don't know if they will.
I have been working like mad. Close to 40 hours a week.
Buuuut all my money is going to shit. I don't have enough.
I still haven't done any school. The difference now is that I am lying and saying that I am making progress when I am not.
I'm pretty sure I am maintaining, but I won't weigh myself because I am depressed enough already.

I'm alone.
I have my boyfriend, but only to an extent. I am really alone in the worst way.
I feel so guilty. So sorry, for everything I do. I'm not worth it.
I have work at 5am tomorrow, and they just makes me want to cry. I don't want to go.
But I have to.

Does anyone actually care enough to read this? Is anyone there?

I Promise

I'm still around.
I haven't been blogging much, because I honestly don't know what to say.

The battery in my scale died, so I can't weigh myself.
I finally got close to 40 hours on a pacheck so I can pay off my loans and get back on track.
I have quit smoking cigarettes, for the most part. Trying to stay at 1 a day.
I'm back in starving mode, I don't wanna eat at all and if I do I exercise ot off x2.
Still no progress with school.
Still no progress with my mood.

But I'm still here.

Falling Too Hard, Too Fast

I don't know why I woke up this way.
I can't identify what is triggering me.
But I want to pick up my blade.

I have ceased to make progress with everything. My life, school, my relationships with people.
Or at least that's what it feels like.

I cracked the screen of my phone yesterday, and I am beyond pissed. It doesn't look that bad, but it's the kind of break that keeps cracking more.

Money is a big stress for me. I need be responsible. I'm doing my best, but I always need to be better. There's just so many things to do 'right' and I'm scared I'll fail.

I feel skinny today, despite being on my period. But I don't deserve too feel skinny when I am so fat.
I honestly haven't got any idea what to do with myself. I just want to lay in bed and cry.
Depression it's so hard to deal with, And most of the time it doesn't feel real. I wish my boyfriend could understand that.
He has been telling me that my personal hygiene sucks, in several different ways. I know it does, too.
But I just can't make myself shower regularly, our brush my hair all the time, because..... just because. I feel like I am being crushed by a weight that won't let up, but I can't say anything or ask for help because there is nothing going on in my life to warrant these feelings.

I should be happy.
I should be.
But I'm not.
And I hate myself for it.

At least if I cut, then I can deal with my pain and sadness on my own. Nobody has to understand.

What A Day

My birthday was amazing.
I spent the morning with my best friend since my bf had to work, and she bought me a doughnut and stuck 19 candles in it. It was the most unique and creative thing. And it made me really happy.
She also gave me flowers, since she knows yellow is my favorite color.
Then I went dinner with my family, which was nice. I enjoyed myself. (:

Today I woke up with the intent to go see my brother in prison. However my alarm didn't go off, and I woke up right as I was supposed to be there. My best friend needed me to help her get to school, so i did that, got home only to leave again with my grandma to go shopping for my bday.
I got a shirt and a pair of pants. I can now fit into a 7, when I used to have to squeeze into a 15. It's kinda crazy.
Adter I went shopping I was in a rush to make it to prison, since I wanted to visit my brother. It ended up being an ordeal to get in there cuz they wouldn't let me wear the shirt I had on, nor were they gonna let me wear the shoes I had on. Neither were particularly special, but prison is very particular about how things are done. Oh, and in the middle of my visit with my brother, my monthly visitor decided to show up and I was so unprepared... ugh.
After I got in there, I had a good visit with my brother. But too soon I had to leave to go to work.

Work was... work. We weren't too busy because it was Valentine's Day.... but we had enough people. That was a really long ass shift, and I was so ready to go home. But I have to work from 10am to 2pm tomorrow, and I am so unexcited.

It's after midnight now, and I need to be sleeping. But for as tired as I am, I can't fucking sleep.
Which figures, right? Of. Course.

Today has been quite the day. I'm glad it's over, but tomorrow is gonna be just as crazy.
Aye.

Weigh In

4 days ago on February 8, I weighed 152.6...
4 days later, I weigh 150.6...
So thats a loss of 2 lbs in 4 days. But it still isn't enough.
I need to keep going. I need to be beautiful.

So, lucky me.
I get today and tomorrow off of work, although i have to work the rest of the week. I don't mind necessarily, because I need the money. But I'm so tired.
With that being said, two days ago I worked from 2pm-12:30am and then yesterday morning I worked from 7am-2pm. Didn't sleep mch last night, and now I am up at 5:30am on my day off. _-_

I need to weigh myself, but I am terrified that I will have gained weight. I already feel my BDD today, I don't want the scale to prove it.

I don't have any plans for today, nor do i really have any plans for tomorrow either. I am probably the only person ever who is that lame on their birthday. I don't even have money. I'm absolutely broke until I get paid in a week. #Adultlife

I want to cut so bad today... I woke up today and my bf said "yor breath makes me wanna throw up" and started coughing all crazy. I get so insecure when someone tells me I stink or my breath stinks, or anything.  I have tried brushing my teeth almost constantly, though it doesn't help.... apparently my breath still stinks. I did some research to try to find out WHY and all I got was that when you starve, your breath can stink because of your starving organs. I don't know... but it's all I have. Still. I want my blade.
How pathetic am I?

FatFATFAT!!

I weighed myself this morning, and I had lost over a pound.
I haven't yet eaten anything today, nor have I really let myself drink anything either.

I am starving and my body is hungry.
But all I see is fat. Fat covering everything. All I want to do is curl up in bed and hide from the world.
Hide my atrocious body from them, so as to not hurt their eyes.

I want to stop being fat.

So, I fucking suck.
Today's weigh in is 152.6...
At the beginning of January, I was 148.8, and in November I was 150.

FATTY MCFATTERSON

I wanted to be skinny for my birthday, 5 days away. It's so not gonna happen, and there is no goal that I can set that will make me happy. I'm just a whale. I always will be.

I have to work in less than an hour and a half and I am kinda freaking out.
I have really been craving Meth recently, and I actually don't even know what to do about it. It started at work yesterday, and has just kinda spiraled from there.

I ate when I got off work last night, but am hungry now and if I don't eat now I won't be able to eat until I get off work at 11. I think I should make today a fasting day....
My boyfriend is donating plasma right now, and he has been in there for a while. I am really fucking hoping he gets out aoon so he can give me a ride to work because I am kind of far away right now. But I just feel rushed for time, and not excited to go to work at all. I really want a minute to breathe... but I don't feel like I have it. I don't have to work tomorrow, but I should be doing school and aye.

I have been kind of slacking on school recently. I did some, and these past few days I haven't done shit. Usually when I get off work I am too tired to do anything other than go straight to bed.
I guess it doesn't help that my compuyer just randomly started crashing... and I haven't had the time to get it fixed either. This is exactly what I was afraid of, not having enough time for anything.
I really want a day off of everything. A few days actually. I guess it will be better when i get paid, because then at least I have money. But even then, I don't get to stop.
Hence why I wish I had some up..

It's 1:30pm now and I have no way of knowing when my bf will be coming back out from donating plasma.... so i don't know if I should call my grandpa to come get me, or if I should just wait. I really don't want to call my grandpa.... and I really don't want to go to fucking work!

Aye.

Untitled

I'm hanging out at my best friend's house right now, with her boyfriend, his roommate, and my boyfriend.
For lack of things to do, my boyfriend decided to go try to ride a long board since he has never tried. So we all went because I happen to enjoy it too. But they all took off on boads and I didnt have one. And they kept riding, while I was just standing on the edge of the parking lot. Eventually I started to feel like shit, like I was being left out. So I went back inside and when I came back out they were nowhere to be found. So I got kinda pissed... Eventually they all came back, and just in time to go leave to go pick up my best friend from work! They are talking about wanting to ride later, and after I brought it up to my boyfriend he invited me along.
But if I go, then my best friend will be left alone and I can't do that to her. I actually feel pretty childish. Like a little kid who can't play with the popular kids.
It's pathetic.
I'm pathetic.

I've fasted so far today, but now that I'm with my best friend, chances are she will get food and guilt me into eating. At least I can eat something low cal, AND I know I can burn it off. I didn't weigh today... but if I feel good enough, I will tomorrow.

Read All About It

I haven't posted much since the new year...

I started working at a restaurant recently, like within the last two weeks. At first the restaurant wasn't open, so it was just training. But then we had our grand opening and I expected it to be crazy, given the amount of people in my area who were excited for it to open.
There were a lot of people who showed up on the opening day, but overall it wasn't too crazy.
Since then I have been working about 40 hours a week, and I hope it stays that way. I need the money, at least for a month. Then they can cut my hours down.

I start school tomorrow too, so I have been prepping for that. I am going to try to finish the online course as soon as I can so I can register for the second course I need. After that, I will have my high school diploma, and I can go to college.

I feel super over sensitive, when it comes to my personal issues. It's like I want someone to tell me that things are getting bad, or to see it getting bad. Rather than me having to ask for help and explaining that it's gotten bad.
I want to be validated.
I was talking to a friend and mentioned the restaurant that I worked at. I mentioned that they had good food, and they inquired about my ED. I said it wasn't too bad, and this "friend" said "I'm glad it's not as bad as you were making it out to be at one point".... and I understand where he is coming from, but fuck. It is so triggering.
My ED is worse now than it was then, because I am a lot more deceptive now. I hide a lot more of my destructive habits now from those that wouldn't understand. I am self destructing in my own hell, and nobody can see it.

I am far from skinny though. I swear to fucking god, that is the only thing that will prove that I am not okay. The only way to ask for help is with my body. I guess I have to be in enough pain that it shows on the outside in order for me to get help.

There's this song called "Read All About It" by Emeli Sande and I just discovered this song today... but I have been listening to it on repeat for the entire morning. I love the lyrics.. and the melody of the song. This is where I originally found the song, but here are the lyrics.

I have also been reading a book called Tilt by Ellen Hopkins. She has written a number of books, and if you have never heard of her, I would suggest you check them out. They are amazing books.

Anyways, that's my update of the day. Ha. Not that it matters.

"What if I was nothing?"

There's a song that I found a while ago, and it only just started making me think. The song is called "What If I Was Nothing" by All That Remains.

Some of the lyrics are:
"And if you're thinking I might, might be led astray,
Just remember this one question

What if I was nothing? What if this is true?
What if I was nothing, nothing without you?
So what if I was angry, what did you think I'd do?
I told you that I love you, I'm nothing without you."

This song makes me think of my boyfriend in so many ways. Aside from the obvious expression of love that the lyrics portray, I feel like this pertains to me especially.

I started this blog on Sunday, June 24, 2012. That's almost 3 years ago. When I started this blog, I don't know what I meant it to be. I wanted a place to write my thoughts, and I had found a girl who was the author of a blog about Anorexia. I felt someone I could relate to, and her posts were kind of what inspired me to start my own. I wanted to have my own little "corner" of the internet to rant and express myself in whatever way. I wanted to find other people like me that I could relate to so that I didn't feel so alone.

Six days later I began blogging as way to get my thoughts out.

AUGUST 2012
I started this blog when I was dating C, my now ex boyfriend. We were together for 3 years in the long run, but I began this blog after my dad kicked me out for the first time and told me not to come back for a few weeks. I thought I was fine with that, it didn't really mean much to me. For the first while I tried to recover a bit, but I didn't really give it all my effort. I didn't really want to recover. I started my Junior year in high school, and was pretty optimistic.

SEPTEMBER 2012
I went to outdoor lab, where I got caught in my ED and had to lie my way out of that. I wasn't that bad in my ED though, I wish I could have seen that. I was struggling more though, because I was binging and purging at this time. I was still clashing with my dad, and still not living with him, though I was only 17 at the time.

OCTOBER 2012
I don't really have much to say about this month... I didn't do much, and wasn't in the best state of mind.

NOVEMBER 2012
I was feeling distant from my family, not really able to tell them anything. Not able to ask for their help or share most of the things that excited me with them because they were so negative about it. I lost my best friend this month too. That was a huge thing for me and I spent a while feeling really angry and confused about it. I tried talking to a counselor in my school to get help with my self harm and ED, which ultimately failed in time. My grandparents tried to get me to go see an outside therapist for eight weeks, and that was also a failure. A waste of time. I started losing my grace in school and my grades started slipping but were still okay. I started losing contact with my then boyfriend, C, after being with him for 2 years.

DECEMBER 2012
I tried to OD.

JANUARY 2013
I went to Hawaii with my dad, but it wasn't a very good trip because my ED ruined it. I broke up with my boyfriend during this time as well. That was difficult but something I am glad I did. My depression kicked in a little more.

FEBRUARY 2013
I began fasting more and more, but not taking interest in anything outside of my ED. I was still dealing with the aftereffects from my OD. I competed with color guard, trying to hide as much of my ED symptoms as possible. I had some pretty intense mood swings during this month. Like going from cloud nine to wanting to die. They were hard for me to deal with.

MARCH 2013
I was struggling a lot during this time with thoughts of suicide, and at one point I had set a date to kill myself (April 1, 2013) because it would have been April Fools Day and that would have been a statement. A friend of mine named A tried to help me, though I pushed her away too. I was just very depressed during this month as well as April.

MAY 2013
I noticed how much damage I had let my ED do to me in school and in my personal relationships, but I really didn't care. I knew I was spiraling downward, but I just didn't give a fuck.

JUNE 2013
I got my mom back in my life, and I was so happy for that. I was working to make things better with her, so that when I turned 18 I could have something to show for it. My dad knew about my self harm though he never really tried to help or stop me. My grandparents knew too, but unfortunately that made me only want to do it more. I fell more and more into my ED during this month, I believe.

AUGUST 2013
My dad kicked me out again and I spent a few weeks couch hopping because I didn't have a stable place to stay. My school caught on to the fact that I was cutting and searched me. It was a whole ordeal. They called my family and my dad told people who didn't need to know. It caused a huge wave of anger in my house. I was still pretty depressed and suicidal during this month too, because I wasn't even trying to fight it. I just didn't give a fuck. I also started getting flashbacks from my sexual abuse this month, which made everything that much harder. Up until this point, I didn't remember it.

SEPTEMBER 2013
During this month, I started teaming up with my ED and giving into SH which is what helped me get through it. But I was coping in very unhealthy ways and wasn't really working towards anything, I was letting everything fall apart.

OCTOBER 2013
I was doing better this month, or at least fooling myself along with everyone else.

NOVEMBER 2013
School became a major stress for me, and I struggled to find structure with my everyday life. I basically just existed for this month, rather than living. Thanksgiving was especially hard for me, and I was creating a lot of conflict with my family. I started getting flashbacks about my sexual abuse though, and up until this point I had had absolutely no idea.

DECEMBER 2013
December was especially hard. I put one last ditch effort into school, which turned out not to do any good. I realized the actual pattern of why my grades were starting to slip and I felt like I had nobody to turn to. Everything was slipping through my fingers. I was also doing a lot of self sabotaging during this month... More to speculate about later?

JANUARY 2014
I was pretty depressed in January, keeping to myself, not wanting to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I just wanted to be left alone, and I didn't want to reach out to anyone to help me get out of that rainstorm. I felt particular anxiety because certain people were aware that I blogged, and felt the need to read my blog. I felt like that took away my safe haven a little bit. During this month I struggled to connect to people, to feel like I was a part of my life.

FEBRUARY 2014
I wanted someone to reach out to me, to care enough to get past all the weak defenses I put up. But it was hard to find someone like that, and I spent this month and the next few feeling isolated and alone. Though it was all of my own doing, it was still difficult and I struggled a lot just to find a reason to keep trying.

MARCH 2014
During this month I broke up with C. Though it was a good decision, it was a hard decision for me, because I didn't want to be alone again. But I am glad I did, because we both deserved the opportunity to do better. My ED dominated my life for this month pretty much, it was a cycle of drugs, laxies, starving, and sleeping. It wasn't a good place to be, and I didn't really do or accomplish anything during this month. I was basically existing, not living.

APRIL 2014
During March and April, I wasn't really in a good headspace. I was trying to destroy my life. Getting into using meth, using my body to feel instead of think through sex and self harm, starving and trying to keep everything together and numb myself from realizing just what I fucked up.

MAY 2014
This is the month that I should have graduated school, but I dropped out instead. I pushed my family away and wouldn't let them see that I was hurting. Everyone couldn't understand why I dropped out of school, and I wasn't about to tell them. I was trying to get a full time job during this time but lacking motivation, and lacking the care to stop ruining my own life. I was taking pleasure in causing myself pain and taking away everything that made me happy.

JUNE 2014
I met my boyfriend during this month. Friday the 13th, actually. Everyone considers this a bad day, but in reality it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

After I met my boyfriend, I stopped doing Meth, I stopped self harming as much as I was, and I found something to work towards.
I guess what I am getting at here is that, before I met my boyfriend I really was nothing. I had nowhere to go, wasn't doing well in my life, and I was just heading downwards. He caused me to realize what I had and what I was doing. He has made me want to be a better person, and though we have our issues, I am so thankful for him.
I don't know where I would be right now if he hadn't stepped in and given me a light to see by.
Now every time I hear that song, this is what I think of. I hope it never changes.

Happy New Year

It wasn't a bad night for me at all, although I didn't get to watch the ball drop.

But now it is 2015. A new year.
Last year on January 1, I weighed 167.5lbs. Today, on January 1, I weigh 148.8lbs.

I know I lost more than this initially this year, but ten I gained a little back. So I stand at a total of 18.7lbs lost last year. Not bad, since it is getting harder and harder to lose weight.

My goal by my birthday was 123lbs. I don't think I can get there.
But I will get as close as possible. 44 days.
I would love to not be fat on my birthday.

I think I am also gonna set up a system where I fast as many hours of the week as I can, recording when I fast and when I eat. Then, at the end of the week, I total up my hours spent fasting, and kind of grade myself on it.
Not sure if this will work, but it is a way to keep myself accountable.

Anyways, that's my update.

Christmas wasn't too much of a crash and burn scenario. Ate a decent amount, didn't gain too much.
Since Christmas
Everything sucks.

My boyfriend and are fighting more, more things keep crashing down on me.
I cut, I burn, and I starve.
But none of it matters.
I want to get away from here.
I don't even know if I give a fuck anymore.

I am a punching bag. Step right up and make your best shot. That's all I am good for.

Had a job interview today and my bf left without me.
My mom hurled terrible words at me where it hurt most.
None of my friends are around. They all have jobs and lives and no time for me.

So I sit in this house and let all the terrible words and deadly thoughts run rampant inside of me
Until it becomes too much and I pick up a blade.

Too low

Why do I have to look so fine on the outside?
Why can't I tell my boyfriend that I feel so bad I can barely get out bed? Why is it so hard for me to ask for his help, his love, his support?
Why can't I tell him how I feel?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why can't I just let myself cry,
Scream, hit, until the storm inside of me has passed?
Why can't it be that easy?

Instead I bottle it up and hold it in and put a smile on my face and tell myself
I
Am
Fine

I have no idea what my weight is, but I know I am gaining. My boyfriend's dad told me I looked pregnant the other day, and he also told my boyfriend that he could find someone better than a lazy psycho cutter. I can't forget it, no matter how many times my boyfriend calls me beautiful.
It makes me want to cry just thinking about it, and every time I even so much as glance at my body I want to cut.
I hate that I have lost all control.

I hate that Christmas is this week and the guilt is killing me. I don't deserve to attend it, but I see no other way. I don't know how I am gonna deal....
Because these days it just seems like one disappointment after another.
Mainly because of me.
Because I am as worthless as I feel.
Often enough I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up.

Things aren't improving because I am doing nothing and that fact makes me hate myself more but everything feels so impossible.... so I just hate myself. I am a waste of space, of life.

And I hate
Every
Single
Thing
About
Myself.

And its never gonna change.