Too low

Why do I have to look so fine on the outside?
Why can't I tell my boyfriend that I feel so bad I can barely get out bed? Why is it so hard for me to ask for his help, his love, his support?
Why can't I tell him how I feel?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why can't I just let myself cry,
Scream, hit, until the storm inside of me has passed?
Why can't it be that easy?

Instead I bottle it up and hold it in and put a smile on my face and tell myself
I
Am
Fine

I have no idea what my weight is, but I know I am gaining. My boyfriend's dad told me I looked pregnant the other day, and he also told my boyfriend that he could find someone better than a lazy psycho cutter. I can't forget it, no matter how many times my boyfriend calls me beautiful.
It makes me want to cry just thinking about it, and every time I even so much as glance at my body I want to cut.
I hate that I have lost all control.

I hate that Christmas is this week and the guilt is killing me. I don't deserve to attend it, but I see no other way. I don't know how I am gonna deal....
Because these days it just seems like one disappointment after another.
Mainly because of me.
Because I am as worthless as I feel.
Often enough I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up.

Things aren't improving because I am doing nothing and that fact makes me hate myself more but everything feels so impossible.... so I just hate myself. I am a waste of space, of life.

And I hate
Every
Single
Thing
About
Myself.

And its never gonna change.