I've been feeling more lonely than usual, more isolated. It's been rough for me... I really haven't spoken to anyone in a few days at least. Some days I eat a bit and it feels like a binge. Some days I eat next to nothing. I can't bring myself to continue weighing daily because it is causing me way too much stress. But right now I am kind of in the midst of damage control.

I saw a higher number on the scale a few days ago and it kind of freaked me out. Since then I have just been fasting and working and trying to get back down to where I feel comfortable enough to weigh myself.

I broke my toe the other night because I was being kind of stupid.... it hurt like a bitch but I guess I am okay. Oh, and I relapsed the other day too. My boyfriend doesn't know about the relapse... and I don't want to say anything because he would just be upset.

I also kind of quit smoking, I'm scared of this because I don't want to end up eating more, and yes I did use cigarettes as meal replacement. So the possibility of my increased intake is high. I need to lose weight, not gain it.

Otherwise I am surviving. I'm growing tired of work, but that could also be from being hungry all the time. It makes me grumpy sometimes. My work sells this fresh bread and oh, it smells so good. What I wouldn't give to buy a loaf while it is still warm out of the oven and eat just a little. I have been trying to figure out how to incorporate it into my daily intake for weeks now but so far I am unsatisfied. So O haven't bought any bread.

I wish I had a friend. Or at least one that wasn't so hard to get to. I feel so alone. And I don't know what to do about it. I just want these feelings to fade already. I would rather be numb. Anyways.

Well hi. I'm kind of all over the place right now. My work is going well, I guess you could say. I have decent hours and nobody really treats me like shit.
Outside of work, my life is a mess as always. My boyfriend got his new car, a Mazda 6. It's a manual, and I kind of want to learn how to drive it, but I somehow can't bring myself to ask anyone to teach me. I have anxiety almost constantly, I have started scratching at my arms until they're raw instead of using the blade I so desprately want to. Yet I smile and make it seem like I am fine because honestly I either can't bring myself to talk about it or nobody would understand anyways. I'm filled with jealousy over people who are doing better than me, and for all the things I should be doing right now that are just out of my reach. I should be able to accomplish what I want, and yet somehow I am the reason that I can't. And holy fuck, do I despise myself for it.

Then there's the people that have found this blog that know me in my actual life. I don't know if they read this, or if it was a one time thing, but I hate myself for struggling as much as I do and for putting it out there like I have. I should just keep this shit to myself. I mean, this blog was supposed to be anonymous. But I kind of majorly fucked that up, didn't I?

The other day I left my apartment for about 4 hours, and made sure to take my dogs out and made sure they had food and water and everything. When I got home, my dog had eaten nore of the carpet as well as eaten the whole bag of dog treats. Which wasn't my fault in the slightest, but it's getting blamed on me.

I honestly feel so out of control right now. But I don't know how to stop it. I am angry. Really fucking angry, but expressing that to anyone won't get me anywhere. But hitting myself, starving, it isn't enough anymore. I am consumed by panic because I am such a pathetic stupid waste of space, and I can't even tell anyone. I can't change it, I just have to suffer in silence. I wish these things weren't happening. but they are and I can't do a god damn thing to stop it.

And to be honest, I feel so fucking alone. I mean, yeah, I can put words out on the internet like I do, and I may or may not get a response. But it would be so nice to actually sit with someone and talk, and have someone truly listen, or to have someone to cry with. I don't know of anyone has that though, if that even happens anymore. I feel like I haven't actually spoken to someone in around 5 months maybe? See? I'm isolated. I'm different, and god it feels so lonely. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend, but most of the things that happen to me don't go over well with him, and I don't know yet how to get around that. In my mind it is always, ALWAYS my fault. I'm the reason I suffer, I am the reason I DESERVE to suffer, and on days like today where I am alone all day with nothing to do, it makes a danerous combination. I just fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life from day in tod ay out because I make it miserable. I shouldn't exist, I was a mistake and I always will be. But I accept that, so I mean there's no reason to tell me I'm not. My life seems pointless, even to me. So why not that too? Anyways, enough of my bullshit.

Well hi. I'm kind of all over the place right now. My work is going well, I guess you could say. I have decent hours and nobody really treats me like shit.
Outside of work, my life is a mess as always. My boyfriend got his new car, a Mazda 6. It's a manual, and I kind of want to learn how to drive it, but I somehow can't bring myself to ask anyone to teach me. I have anxiety almost constantly, I have started scratching at my arms until they're raw instead of using the blade I so desprately want to. Yet I smile and make it seem like I am fine because honestly I either can't bring myself to talk about it or nobody would understand anyways. I'm filled with jealousy over people who are doing better than me, and for all the things I should be doing right now that are just out of my reach. I should be able to accomplish what I want, and yet somehow I am the reason that I can't. And holy fuck, do I despise myself for it.

Then there's the people that have found this blog that know me in my actual life. I don't know if they read this, or if it was a one time thing, but I hate myself for struggling as much as I do and for putting it out there like I have. I should just keep this shit to myself. I mean, this blog was supposed to be anonymous. But I kind of majorly fucked that up, didn't I?

The other day I left my apartment for about 4 hours, and made sure to take my dogs out and made sure they had food and water and everything. When I got home, my dog had eaten nore of the carpet as well as eaten the whole bag of dog treats. Which wasn't my fault in the slightest, but it's getting blamed on me.

I honestly feel so out of control right now. But I don't know how to stop it. I am angry. Really fucking angry, but expressing that to anyone won't get me anywhere. But hitting myself, starving, it isn't enough anymore. I am consumed by panic because I am such a pathetic stupid waste of space, and I can't even tell anyone. I can't change it, I just have to suffer in silence. I wish these things weren't happening. but they are and I can't do a god damn thing to stop it.

And to be honest, I feel so fucking alone. I mean, yeah, I can put words out on the internet like I do, and I may or may not get a response. But it would be so nice to actually sit with someone and talk, and have someone truly listen, or to have someone to cry with. I don't know of anyone has that though, if that even happens anymore. I feel like I haven't actually spoken to someone in around 5 months maybe? See? I'm isolated. I'm different, and god it feels so lonely. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend, but most of the things that happen to me don't go over well with him, and I don't know yet how to get around that. In my mind it is always, ALWAYS my fault. I'm the reason I suffer, I am the reason I DESERVE to suffer, and on days like today where I am alone all day with nothing to do, it makes a danerous combination. I just fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life from day in tod ay out because I make it miserable. I shouldn't exist, I was a mistake and I always will be. But I accept that, so I mean there's no reason to tell me I'm not. My life seems pointless, even to me. So why not that too? Anyways, enough of my bullshit.

Eating Disordered

I feel like my mood and my life is eating disordered. When I gain or plateau, I feel like shit, tend to have more anxiety... I tend to feel shittier. When I lose I feel a lot happier, like I am strong and can face the world and it's criticisms for the most part.

I think my scale is broken, because I woke up this morning and weighed and bodychecked as usual. According to my scale I lost just under 2 lbs from yesterday morning. According to my bodychecks, I have gained a bit of weight since yesterday.
Anyways, I posted a bodycheck to my IG account and two people immediately commented with something along the lines of "You are so small" or "I'm worried" and honestly I felt good for a second and then I started to feel shitty because I'm so fat. There is no reason whatsoever that they should worry about me. I mean, I know I am nowhere near my highest weight... but I also know that even at this weight I qualify as "healthy". So my ribs show a little. It is still covered by inches and bubbles and blobs of fat! I need to lose about another 20 lbs. Maybe then I won't wobble, jiggle, or look like a whale.

I went to the mall earlier with my aunt and her girlfriend and her kid and I thought it would be fun, if not a good reason to exercise. But it ended up being so claustrophobic and I got so lightheaded and my vision started to fade so I had to sit down twice. After that they went to get food and when I refused to eat they got me a soda. Not even diet. I drank some of it and now I feel so guilty. Then she wanted me to have a piece of candy. Which I ended up doing and now we're going shopping again so hopefully I can burn more than enough cals to cover it. I am so anxious. I am not sleeping well, but at least I'm losing weight.

A friend of mine wants to meet up, and I haven't hung out with anyone in so long. I don't really hold many conversations and I feel slightly sick with anxiety over a possible meetup. What if she thinks I'm fat? Or that I haven't lost enough weight from my "eating disordered" habits. Mostly I'm sure she will think I'm fat. A big joke. Which I am, but it's easier when it comes from strangers. Not so easy when I know the person and actually care about them. Don't get me wrong, I would love to see her... I just need to lose a bit more weight first. Anyways, enough of that rant.

My dad and I are fighting again. He is angry that I haven't gone to get my driver's license yet, but I mean I don't have money between paying for rent and food and gas for other people. He claims that's just an excuse, but he would rip me a new asshole if I told him I was scared. I'm slightly scared to get my drivers license and be responsible in that way right now. But oh well, it's nothing new to hear him yell at me.

Otherwise I don't really have much else to say. I'm just living. Working as much as they will let me to stay busy and keep my mind off thinking. My jobs going good for the most part. I am still waiting to get my raise, but I suppose it will come eventually.

Fuuuuck

I'm struggling right now, or am I ever not?
The past week wasn't so bad, but today is. I got to work about 2 hrs early and they wouldn't let me clock in. So instead of going to get coffee, I got a snack. Bad idea. I had a panic attack and ended up hiding in the bathroom at work for a few minutes, and now I'm outside smoking a cigarette and trying to calm my nerves.

I don't know what to do with myself. I am stuck feeling this "fight or flight" reaction and I don't know how I'm gonna get through work. I already want to cry. I'm scared but I can't even identify what I am afraid of. I just want to go home.

I'm always so negative, I know. But I can't find anything to feel positive about. Don't get me wrong, there's times when I don't feel so shitty, but I wouldn't exactly call it happiness.
Yesterday was one of those days, until about 5pm. My dad called me at work to tell me that my dog had gotten trapped in my room because aparently my door didn't latch, but when the heater turns on it sucks my door shut. And since he was trapped he ate my blinds, pissed on the carpet and tore up 2 feet of carpet in front of my door trying to get out. And as if it was my fault, he told me that I have to pay for it.

I pawned something this morning because I don't have any money to even buy food until Thrsday, but even then I have to give pretty much my whole check to my dad.

I freaked out and started crying and my bf tried telling me to calm down... but I was just super upset.

I guess one positive is that I got a raise at my work, so I am excited to start seeing how it impacts my check. It wasn't a huge raise, but a raise is a raise, right?

I don't even know what to say. I grew close to someone on IG and they're trying to kill themselves. I can't even stop them because their life is truly horrible. They don't deserve to have to keep living in the state they're in. But it just makes me sad, because I cared about them. I really shouldn't let myself care.

In the pic with the carpet, from the white part to my feet is where it's ruined.

Just Venting and Stuff

I don't even feel like I have a reason to be writing right now. But I am here because there's so many thoughts I feel like I can't express to anyone. At least here I can act like I'm talking to nobody.

The first is mainly my boyfriend. I try to be open with him and tell him when I am struggling but right now that just doesn't seem possible. He is going into the army, and it makes me so anxious to think about. He keeps talking about it, telling everyone. He should he happy, I just don't know if I am. The first length of time he will be gone is a month. But now that I have been thinking about it, I haven't spent a day away from him since we got together, just because I haven't wanted to. He is there for everything, it's hard for me to think about what my life would be like without him since I really have nobody BUT him. I know I'm selfish.

I also tried talking to him earlier when I felt my ED thoughts were really bad. I told him our disorganization was bothering me and that I felt like a continent. He blamed it on talking to my friend, saying things like if I would stop talking about it maybe I wouldn't feel that way. Which is untrue, I know. But it has been bugging me since he said it. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously, like feeling the way I do about my body doesn't matter. I feel like it would take something serious like being sink and bones or collapsing for him to take me seriously.... whivh then makes ne feel like shit.
I feel like I have to keep everything inside, because I have nobody to talk to and no outlet. I desperately want to hurt, since that's the only outlet I have that seems to help. But if I do, what will I do if he decides he doesn't want to deal with it?
Because he has already told me that I need to think higher of myself, and that it would make it easier to love me. But I don't know if it's possible. I have always felt this way about my body. I just wish my body would reflect the way I feel inside.

It's gotten to the point again where I honestly can't be bothered to speak, to do anything of self expression because it just feels so useless, so inadequate to what I actually feel or want to say.
I don't know what to do anymore, because I just feel so trapped. I don't mean to feel so trapped, or useless. But I do.

I honestly don't care who finds or reads this blog or if they know me personally anymore. Because I'm stupid, fat and useless. I deserve for people to see my pathetic struggle and for them to laugh at me. Because that's all I am, one big fat joke.
I'm so angry at myself. And at everyone else. I'm angry that I feel like I don't matter, I'm angry that nobody takes me seriously, that I feel so fucking useless But why should they?

I don't even know where I am going with this, I just needed to vent.

I'm sorry.

I have cried every day for the last 4 days, for one reason or another. It makes me angry because I feel pathetic and weak, but I have no way to express myself.

The other night I was laying with my bf in bed and he triggered flashbacks. I started crying, and I definitely didn't want to be touched. I ended up going to the bathroom to smoke a cigarette and try to return to myself. I know he didn't mean to trigger me like that, or that such a thing would even happen. And when I tried to explain to him what was happening, all I could get out was that my head was shouting "worthless, used, nothing, and pathetic" at me over and over again. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I feel so guilty for things like this. He doesn't deserve to suffer the pain of my past with me, and I know he tries his best to help me. I appreciate everything he does for me, and all the love he gives me.

The second time I cried was when he told me he was going to be going into the army once he finished school and got his diploma. I was so so happy when he enrolled back in school to finish. I mean, yeah, I'm a little jealous that his was just paid for and that I don't have the money to do the same for myself, but I'm mostly happy. As for the army, I have told him repeatedly that I don't want him to go and I have tried to explain why. Altgough I stand by my statement that he can do whatever he wants with his life, and that my only role is to decide if I want to be there for it. Well, he went ahead and enrolled in the army and is getting set up to enter when he finishes his schooling. My reasons for not wanting him to go are selfish. I don't want to be alone, and I am also worried that if he goes into the army, he might not come back. I don't know if I can deal with that, although I guess I should be proud that he wants to serve our country, especially with all that's going on right now. I'm just stupid and selfish, and I ended up crying over that too.

Today I cried because I got paid yesterday and last week I missed two days of work because I was sick and so lightheaded. What I didn't realize, was how much I couldn't afford to miss work. I also found out yesterday that since my work is through a Union, they take some money out of every check I get for "union fees" which I am only just now finding out about. But that meant that my check was $100 less than usual, and I was worried. My bf assured me that it would be fine, since he gets paid today. So last night I went to the store and bought some groceries for him and some safe foods for me.... and I alao bought a full tank of gas for him since we need it. But today shit has happened with his car that desprerately needs to be fixed, and of course he has to fix it. But we also owe about $600 for my bank account, $200 to a store because I had to buy some shit for work, and on top of all that, we are still short for rent. My dad keeps telling me to budget my money better, but honestly, all I bought was groceries and gas. What more 'budgeting' can I do? So I'm stressed beyond belief because I thought getting an apartment would make things easier, but I swear shit only gets harder. I just want it all to stop. I want to be able to afford shit and not be broke all the time or feel guilty for buying myself food. Both my dad and my boyfriend tell me to stop stressing and take things one step at a time, which is what I am trying to do. But no matter what, these thoughts and the panic and the stress is always with me. It's been another month now, and it feels like I have accomplished nothing. And that makes me angry.

I just want so much for things to be different and to feel like I am accomplishing something, and yet I feel so fucking powerless in this.

The other day at work my coworker randomly started talking to me about Thanksgiving, asking if I was ready. I said I wasn't and then out of nowhere he said "I think it's sad when kids are molested, especially by ther parents." I don't know where it came from, and of course my coworker doesn't know my story. And although my story isn't like that exactly, it still struck a chord and made me really uncomfortable. I just kind of awkwardly replied and he left. But the feeling of unease is still with me.
It also has to go with the fact that a girl I know recently found this blog on Bloglovin. This is the first time anyone who has known me personally has found my blog. Or at least someone who didn't struggle with any of the same things I have. I don't know how she found it... but she is following me now and I only pray to god that she doesn't judge me or something worse. I have kept my struggles to myself, not even my family knows half of what I have written on this blog. It used to be a safe place for me to vent and let my thoughts out, but now I feel threatened. I tried to delete the blog on Bloglovin, but it wouldn't let me and I have been freaking out about it since.

I am also consistently losing weight. I have reached a new low weight, but I'm still too ashamed to post it. Why? Because I still think I am absolutely huge, wobbly, fat, and disgusting. I don't look my weight at all. Whenever I look at my body, all I see is fat. I see no weight loss at all, which means my scale must be broken. Damn. I mean, just look for yourself, since I'll probably post a picture below to embarass myself more.

I hate being so negative all the time, but this is literally my only place to freely vent my frustrations. I don't even feel like I can properly vent on Insta anymore. If I can get my lazy ass out of bed before the storm hits, I might be able to get some new music today. That's the one thing that would make me happy.

Anyways, I feel like this is really long already so I will update again in another post sometime.

Update and Sick

I've been battling a cold or something as of late. I mean it's been 4 or 5 days now. The first two days weren't so bad, I still had a little bit of an appetite and definitely had energy. But these last couple days have been rough. I had body aches, a fever, a runny nose, a horrible boddy shaking cough and it sucked. I mean, I still have those symptoms now... but I wasn't able to sleep because of the pain. I woke up yesterday morning around 2am crying because it hurt so much. I was taking DayQuil, NightQuil, Sudafed, and Ibuprofeun. But someone mentioned to me that if you take DayQuil and Sudafed together they can make you sicker. So I quit that immediately.
I haven't had an appetite since then either. Right now I am 80-some odd hours into a fast and the longer I go the more I don't want to stop. Along with that though, I also have been losing weight. I'm now close to my LW... and I don't even know what to think.
The first day I called in sick they said I wasn't allowed to because of the snow (it was only like 1-2 in) and I would get written up if I refused to show up. I basically told my manager to fuck off and writr me up if she wants but that I wasn't coming in. Tye day after that I had off so when I went in again they asked how I was feeling, and it wasn't good. They had me work an 8hr ahift anyways, and then on my break I told my manager I wasn't feeling good and she tild me to eat soup. I did, and threw it up because my body didn't like it. So I told her that, and she just kinda didn't even say anything. Like... DUDE. I just threw up in your parking lot and that isn't enough reason to send me home? But then she ended up sending me home with only 1hr left of my shift which pissed me off because if Iw as there for 7hrs, I should have just stayed the other hr. But whatever.
Then I called in the day after that because I literally couldn't get out of bed without blacking out, feeling dizzy and weak, and crying from the pain. So I told them to fuck off again.
I finally went in yesterday because I was feeling better, and the first thing they had me do was something that required a lot of physical effort. I ended up unable to breathe gasping for air and customers kept telling me I looked like I was gonna pass out. So I went and talked to one of my managers and she let ke stay inside for the rest of the day... bt I kean the damage was already done. Work was crazy yesterday because of the Bronco game (they sucked ass) and feeling like I did made it worse.
Today I feel kinda better, but I work from 11-7 and I'm not sure what's in store for me when I go in. I hope they don't do to me what they did yesterday and send me to the parking lot.
On another note, I am thinking of trying to transfer to night shift because then I wouldn't have to deal with the bullshit of my managers.... and I would get paid more than the 8.23-9.13 I get paid now. But I would work from roughly 12-10am or 11am if there's a lot to do. And I would be stocking, so pretty much I would be able to listen to music during my shift and they would tell me what to do and then leave me alone for the rest of my shift. It sounds like a good deal... but the only downside is that when I go to work everyone is going to bed and when they go to work I'm getting off. So I guess it would make me feel kind of isolated.
I have to decide soon though, because my chance to transfer is now. If I don't I miss my chance.

Just A Quick Little Rant

So.... this morning when I woke up and weighed myself I had maintained. So instead of doing the sensible yging and fasting, I kind of went on a binge and purge spree. That was the first time I have ever actually purged so many times like that.

I want to smoke weed but I already hid my pipe since I am at work and I can't smoke again until I'm off. Which is at either 9 or 10.
Work is okay. It looks really busy and even now I am just standing in the corner using the wifi so I can vent out my anxiety. I am so angry at myself and want to hurt but that doesn't get me anywhere. I have to actively deal with this.
I tried to get a rockstar zero and ended up getting the wrong one and I kind of wanted to cry in the middle of the store but I couldn't. I hope I can just work away my frustrations.

I'm struggling.

So I'm writing this post and my phone is at 26%. But hopefully I can get all my words out and down in text before my phone dies because right now is the only time I have internet.

The other night I got home from a stressful day at work and the first thing my dad does is lay into me about how my boyfriend and I need to budget our money better, and how we only gave him $300 for rent. I argued, saying we gave him another $20 but he refused to admit it. It turned into a huge fight where I basically asked my dad if ue wanted me to give him my entire check every time I get one. He took it the wrong way and started saying some shit. I kind of think I may have dissociated because I can't remember what happened exactly, I only remember myself saying certain things.
I explained to my dad that I was making 8.23/hr and that equated to jack shit and he didn't believe me.
At one point I flipped out and went to smoke a cigarette and my dad told me to smoke it inside so he could yell at me. I left and haven't talked to him since.

I lost 3 more lbs in 2 days.... and I plan to lose more. I have tomorrow off and I totally fogot my apartments have a gym. So tomorrow that's what I will spend my day doing. Fatty needs to move. I fasted today and felt really sick at the end of my 4.5 hr shift.
I get my paycheck tomorrow and I honestly want to go buy a gram of weed or something and just smoke. I need to get out of my head.

I still have no drivers liscence which means I rely on my bf to give me rides to work or I walk the 10 miles each way. And now he wants to transfer back to his old job working from 4pm to 1am.... and if he does that I'm fucked. I'm scared to tell him that I don't want him to transfer because I need rides... I'm pathetic.

Also, my boyfriend doesn't know that after the last time he knew I cut about 2 months ago.... I have relapsed twice. The first time I carved 'fat' into my hipbone and I managed to hide it until it healed. The second time was just the other night when I fought with my dad and that cut was deeper than I meant it to be. I am hiding that too.

Tomorrow I plan to take $15 out of my check to pay for laxies so I can finally start losing weight again. Not that it matters. I will always be fat. But I'm spebding the day at the gym too, so maybe I can burn some cals.

As for Piggy, yes! I have blue hair now! I will post a photo if I can find one. I also dyed my hair 'electric lizard' before I went blue. It was brighter than a neon green and was a terrible idea. I think I'm sticking with the blue. Maybe a purple.

OPINIONS? As I mentioned before.. I was posting some photos to Instagram. I want to delete my account without losing my captions... so would anyone read or be bothered if I did?

Untitled

Well, hi.

Today is Halloween! Not that I ever really celebrate it much. I guess I have never really been social enough to have friends to "party" with. So today I worked. It was suuuuper busy. I mean, keep in mind that I never go to stores on holidays. Never needed to, but today I was there.
And damn. I mean, I was in the parking lot for one hour today, and I almost got hit 3 times for people's ignorance. I mean... and plus I was collecting carts. People would put their carts in-between cars when they saw me coming. It irritated me. But I got through it, and hopefully tomorrow won't be so crazy.

My new apartment is okay. My dad has been starting fights with me over petty shit, such as not knowing why my boyfriend decided to wear a certain jacket on a certain day. Like dude, I am not a mind reader. And then he claimed it was because he wanted to get to know my boyfriend. I told him that if he wanted to get to know A, he should ask him instead of me. He didn't like that.
Also, I work about 10 miles from where I live, and I can't transfer until after 30 days (although I don't know about transferring anymore). I asked my dad to come pick me up ONE time, and as soon as he did he blew up on me saying that i need to get my drivers lisence and a bunch of other stuff like how gas isn't free and I never offer gas money.
It's like he forgets I spent the last two months sleeping in my boyfriends car with no money whatsoever. I couldn't even afford food. Now that I have this apartment, I thought things would get easier. But they arent.
My dad claims that when we signed the lease, we agred to split the rent of $1390/month three ways. I don't think we did, because the other night he brought up the fact that rent is due and when I calculated the numbers.... it meant we would pay $900/month and my dad would pay $450. Does that seem fair?
I mean, my dad occupies a bedroom, a bathroom, a living room, and a kitchen at our apartment. My boyfriend and I occupy a bathroom, a bedroom, a living room, and a kitchen. So how the hell does it make sense for me to pay 2X the amount of rent he is for the same amount of space?
It doesn't. Especially when you consider my situation.
Even working 36-40 hours a week obly brings me $150/week, so $450/month for food, rent, and gas/bus money to and from work. My boyfriend makes anywhere from $400-$700 every two weeks. So realistically, I can't pay $450 in rent uless I plan to starve and not make it to work.
But my dad still refuses to agree to pay half, which would be $700 even for both of us.
I owe $800 to my bank. My dad wants me to get a drivers liscence, a car, and insurance. My grandma wants me to pay $200 for school to get my diploma. My boyfriend wants to see me eat and not self harm.
It's FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.
No matter how much I work I will never get paid enough to afford my own rent, without relying on my boyfriend.
I have recently taken to punching things. I makes me feel a lot better and helps me relieve some anger. And the fact that I get paid jack shit makes me want to hit something real bad.

Otherwise, I'm losing weight again. I told my boyfriend that my goal was to lose 20 lbs (jokingly) and he didn't disagree. So that means I am fat and I deserve to lose weight. The proof is in the photo.

But this is all a jumble of all the shit in my head. If it makes any sense at all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.

Another 3 Months

Well, it's been about 3 months since I last wrote here. I had taken to Instagram for a while, using that as my blog hoping I could find some more support there. It lasted shortly, before I began realizing that nobody cared about me in general. It got to the point that I was becoming resentful there towards some people who claimed that they were my "friends". So I am basically getting rid of that platform, and returning to blogger.

While I was living at M and S's we began to have a problem with bed bugs. My boyfriend and I were trying to treat them and M and S didn't want us to. About a month passed of my boyfriend and I sleeping in his car, before we said enough and tried to treat them behind their backs. That ended up blowing up in our faces, and I got kicked out while my boyfriend was at work. During one of the better periods of living there, I had realized that I had the collection book my grandpa had for me. I also realized that some of the uncirculated gold dollars were missing from my book, and I tried to fix it. My roommates offered to help, and I accepted. When they kicked us out they ended up saying that they had never seen the coins and they stole two of them from me. Talk about a low blow. That was literally the last thing that I had from my grandpa, and the closest thing to my heart. They just stole it without a second thought. I went through a lot of arguments with them over trying to get them back, and I have been homeless ever since.

After that fell through and I started living in my boyfriends car, all I had was my job. I wasn't doing hard work and I was getting paid $10/hr for that. But I was a new hire and I guess I fucked up (I don't wanna go into detail) and got fired after only working there for a few months. I was pretty upset, because I actually liked that job.
I was trying to find an apartment with my bf during this time too, but the rent here is rediculously high. We never would have been able to get a place on our own, and it's getting pretty cold here.
Luckily at the last minute my dad helped us get a place which is $1390/month (see what I mean by high rent?) and I am really hoping this works out.

As for a job, after I lost my last one I applied at a grocery store and had to pass a drug test. I had applied once before and they didn't hire me because I failed their test. But this time I somehow managed to pass it, and it is such a good opportunity. I get paid weekly, they started me at 42 hours on my first week, 32.75 my second week, and there is room to move up and get raises.

The flip side? My position right now requires a lot of physical effort which burns calories and I have been fasting every day that I work. I know I am losing weight. When I started this blog I weighed 180lbs (size 16) and now I weigh ?lbs and am a size 4. But even those are getting loose.
As my life is starting to get better my mental health is getting worse. But I don't even care, so long as people think I am happy and everything stays going good.

I still get random bouts of wishing I was dead, as well as still having blades. I recently started abusing laxatives again, and although I haven't weighed myself recently I know I am losing weight.

My boyfriend and I are doing good, I love him. I need to quit smoking, but right now is not the time.
Anyways. I should be more active. I redownloaded the blogger app so I can update more.
Would you comment if you're still reading?

Well, I'm Back.. I Think

Heya.
It's been a long time since I have written here. I wonder if anyone still reads this, and if you do, can you please comment? It doesn't have to relate to what I am writing, but anything. I just want to know if anyone is there.

I feel like a completely different person, like my life has been turned upside down.
Let me start at the beginning. During March and April my grandfather (who I really consider to be my father in every aspect that matters) got really sick. They thought it was pneumonia, so they began treating him for that. When it didn't get better, they started giving him more and more tests. In April, they finally got around to diagnosing him with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. That was a big blow to our family, because my grandpa never had been a smoker of any kind. He was always active, taking care of his health. They were going to start my grandpa on chemo, but he didn't want that because they told him that the pain would only get worse. They weren't even sure the chemo would work, either. They gave him morphine for the pain, which worked for a while. He wasn't able to eat or drink anything without throwing up, so he lost about 40 lbs in that short time. It was so hard to see.... But on April 27th, we rushed my grandpa to the hospital because during the evening, he had become unresponsive. He wasn't able to talk, or to squeeze hands, or anything. When they took him to the hospital, they sedated him for the pain only to find out that the cancer had spread to his brain and that at that point operating wouldn't even work. They told us that he only had a few days, a week at most. The night after that, they took him of the ventilator that was breathing for him, and we brought him home so he could pass on in peace surrounded by his family.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. So to remember him, I went and got "Grump-a-lumps" tattooed over my heart with his birth date and his death date. I also got a little vial that you can seal to keep ashes in. Which may be selfish, but god. I just can't let him go.

Right after my grandpa's passing, my grandma had to sell her house because her retirement wasn't enough to pay the house payment, which meant that everyone she was letting stay with her had to find another place to live too. Luckily, my boyfriend had a friend that was looking for roommates, so here I am. She ended up moving out of state though, and isn't sure when she will be back. We pay pretty good rent, and I like the people that live here for the most part.
Not that long after moving here though, I lost my job. It wasn't entirely my fault to begin with, but then it definitely turned into my fault. I started applying to different jobs so that I could be able to pay my rent and I got a job at a restaurant that is just like my last job, but they have their differences. I thought it would be a good job because I kind of already knew the ropes. Oh, how wrong I was.
They suck at training. I worked for a total of three days, and in those three days I left work twice in tears because of how much anxiety it caused me and how it was effecting me. It got to the point that I couldn't eat without throwing up from stress, I couldn't sleep, and just the thought of going to that place again to work would make me break down in tears and start shaking. It took a toll on my ED and I started losing a bunch of weight. So.... I haven't been there in like a week. I haven't called to ask when I was supposed to work, and they haven't called me either. I don't know what to think, and I honestly try to avoid it because I just feel like shit for making the shitty choices that I have, but at the same time.... it's already done. What can I do? So now I am looking for a job AGAIN, while trying to not let the guilt of being a burden tear me apart.

In my house, there is the main couple M and S, and their three kids. Then there's another couple, R and E, and one more single male, J. Plus my boyfriend and I. But their house is definitely big enough for everyone, and I have my own door to the outside if I ever don't want to go out the front door. All of my roommates are weed friendly, which is good. They aren't super strict about smoking cigarettes either, which is nice. This is the perfect place to live, if I could just get my shit together and make it work.
Buuut on the flipside, living here is feeding into my Eating Disorder because there is a gym like 10 minutes from my house, and with so many people living here, nobody really notices if I eat or not.

This morning I woke up super early though (around 5am) because I wasn't able to sleep and my body felt weird.
It's now almost noon and the weird feeling isn't going away. It feels like when I used to do meth. Because meth absolutely kills your appetite, and it used to feel like my body wanted to throw up at the smell of food and wasn't even remotely hungry. That is how I feel today. Like even a sip of juice, I can't do. I managed to make myself take a sip of water, but it's just weird because I have never felt like this while fasting unless I was on meth. But I'm not this time. When I stand up my head gets super fuzzy and warm. Almost like I'm gonna pass out, but I'm alright. I don't want to eat.... even if I do pass out. I don't deserve it.

Last night I was talking to my roommate and she seems to have the same problem I have of taking a few bites of food and then feeling full or sick despite knowing you didn't eat that much. But I overheard her tell her husband "I can't let this shit go on much longer or else I will become Anorexic and won't want to eat anything". This was massively triggering to me because my roommate says she is 6' even, but my boyfriend is 6'. I am 5'8, and she is pretty damn close to my height. She weighs more than I do (cuz she's had two kids!) but that's why it irks me when she makes comments about being Anorexic. I don't think she meant to be hurtful, but it was super triggering.

My boyfriend and I are doing good for the most part. I have been struggling recently, and I don't feel like I can talk to my boyfriend because there's so much that he doesn't understand. There's so much I wish he could understand. But as long as I keep my problems out of our relationship, we're great. We have officially been together for 1 year, 1 month, and 2 days. Haha of course I would do that.

Other than that, I am just trying to survive. I'm thinking of seeing a doctor to try to get anti-anxiety meds or antidepressants because I think they could help me. I definitely need help, I just have to figure out my insurance before I can do that that stuff, which hopefully will be soon.

I officially have no friends. My best friend of 8 years got angry with me that I didn't come visit her in the hospital when she was sick right after my grandpa passed away. But while she was in the hospital, I was going the hospital for strep throat and not being able to breathe.... AND the hospital my best friend was staying at is the very same hospital my grandpa was at less than a week before, so of course I am not going to want to go back there. She claimed that my boyfriend made her boyfriend do drugs and stupid shit like that. She didn't like it much when I pointed out that my boyfriend is 21 and hers is 20, meaning they are both grown men who are capable of making their own choices. Nobody peer pressured anyone. So our friendship ended over such stupid shit like that. But maybe I am better off without her.

So that's my update. It's been a crazy 2 months, but at the same time it still doesn't feel real that my grandpa isn't here anymore. I see him everywhere. In people's laughs, driving down the road, in the smart ass comebacks that I retort to people that he used to say to me. Sometimes it still takes the breath out of me and brings me to tears, but people say it gets easier.

Hiya

Well Hi.
I'm sorry for just disappearing, for not updating. If anyone still reads this. I don't want to become another "ghost" blog.

So an update?
I almost finished my first class for school, and registered for my 2nd class. Found out both have to be completed by May 5. So now I am super anxious about that.
I have been working pretty much every day. And along with that, I have been avoiding pretty much everyone. I haven't hung out with my best friend in like 2 wewks because she is naturally tiny and it's so trigering to me.
I'm stuck in a pity party.
I wish I was dead. I'm taking laxies tonight even though I work tomorrow morning because I am desperate. I need to lose weight.

I got drunk with my bf the other day. It was wonderful. Not doing much else but trying to survive. I really wanna dye my hair again.

Honestly, I am more active on Instagram right now.... ao if you want you can follow me at last_day_to_live (:

Venting

So, can I be honest here?

When my boyfriend isn't around, I struggle more to fight the thoughts to self harm. I find it hard not to find reasons to do it, or excises to make after I do it. I can't remember why I quit, and I keep telling myself 'just once' which is NEVER how it is going to be. Yet somehow I manage to convince myself that I can, and that somehow it will be alright.
I try to convince myself that my boyfriend will forgive me, although I don't know if he would.

Everything seems to evoke the urge to cause myself pain....
When I am at work, if someone tells me that I am being too slow, or not doing something right, or really anything that is considered "constructive criticism", on the outside I take it well, smile and nod, and comply. But what really happens inside my mind and inside my shell? I immediately start criticizing myself twice as much as whoever was to begin with. I get irritated, and I get an overwhelming sense to run. I get such an urge to go home and find a blade that usually I will "accidentally" fall into things at work. I will "accidentally" hit my hand/wrist/shoulder on walls, or shut them in doors, or do many things that just cause me pain, even if only temporary. I starve. I make sure I exercise in small ways when I am at work, so that I know I am burning more calories than I usually would.
If I am at home, and my boyfriend triggers me unknowingly, or says something that I don't take well, I simply turn it inwards. I tear myself down in every way possible because I get so mad about these things. By the time I am done, I am either wishing I was dead or wishing I had a blade.
Cutting is very much still a part of my life. Burning isn't as much as it used to be, but I still wish I could do it sometimes when I don't have access to a blade.
When someone tells me how ugly my scars are, or my boyfriend does, I just stay silent. It makes me want to cry, but I don't say a goddamn word.
Why?

Why do I never speak up for myself when it really matters and tears me down, but I will be the most outspoken person and sure as hell speak up when it's about things that aren't personal.
Why do I never let someone know that I am hurting?

There is a blade sitting in my room, right now.
All I can do is stare at it and will myself not to get up and get it. I can find temporary distractions, but even as I am typing this blog post I know that it is there. I know that it's so easy to reach, and that I have perfect circumstances to do it.
I don't know where the blade came from, and I don't know if it's sanitary. But I keep reciting to msyelf ways to sterilize it so that I can use it. And if that fails, I know I have a knife.
When my boyfriend is around and I know that I can't pick up a blade or do anything he considers "suspicious" I simply bottle everything up. I know that I can't make him understand what I am going through, why it isn't so easy to "just" find a distraction. Why it isn't easy to "just" not feel suicidal or to "just" stop.  I find it quite hard to talk to him about these things, and that combined with my fear of losing him just makes me suicidal.
I wish I was dead, wish nobody every knew I existed.

School is such a big trigger for me too. I don't want to sit down and do school because that allows for the negative thoughts to find a home in my head once again. I know they are always there, and that it doesn't really make a difference.... but I feel like if I go fast enough and have enough on my mind and do enough things at once, I can keep the thoughts away. Oh, how easy it is to lie to myself.

I want to just sleep all the time. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I think about quitting my job every day so that I can just do that. But somehow I never do.
These things are taking a toll on me, and making me feel batshit crazy. Either way I lose. If I cut, I lose. If I don't, I lose. I don't even give a fuck which of the consequences is worse. I just want to cut.

I talked to my boyfriend a little the other day, in the brief hour he saw me in shorts. I started telling him how fat I felt, and how I saw myself as a whale. I told him how the fat on my thighs makes me want to die, and now I hate everything about myself. He mentioned going on a healthier diet with me and going to the gym.... but then not even 2 hours later he was getting Dairy Queen. I got some too, of course. Because I guess I just love to hate myself. He told me that the fat and jiggle on my thighs was "sexy". He told me he didn't want me getting too tiny. I could only look at him. How in the hell could you think I am sexy when I look like shamu?! It kind of made me want to cry, because I am so far from what he sees, and eventually he will realize it.  I am waiting for that relapse.

I don't know what the point of typing all of that out is, because it doesn't matter. Everything will stay the same, and I will just keep dealing and sucking it up until I can't suck any more. I will isolate if that's what it takes.
But it's just to wait until I start falling down again. It's only inevitable. How could I ever get better from this "half life"?? I don't even know that I want to.
Most days a small tiny part of my brain wishes that my bf would just realize that I am not good enough for him., and leave me. Because that will be the trigger for my relapse, and  I know it is coming. I can feel a relapse coming, and I don't know what that means for me.

Anyways, enough rambling from my thoughts for now.

Tuesday, March 17

I opened at my work today, meaning I was there at 5am. That's early for me, but even earlier when I don't sleep well.
Which is most days.

I was hoping work would be good, because lately I have been kind of dreading showing up for my shifts there. It's just the people, they tend to put me with people who don't work well with me rather than those that do.

They did however put me with good people today and therefore work wasn't too bad.
Tomorrow I work at 11am.

Depression has been kicking my ass. There isn't anyone I am motivated to hang out with or see besides my boyfriend, and I know that's dumb. It's not that hard........ except it is.

Still no progress in school.
I almost slipped up and cut yesterday, and then I told my boyfriend I needed him today, only for him to get called into work a half hour after I got off work. So now I can either spend the next 6 hours alone, or I can go chill with my best friend.

Ive been smoking cigarettes too, again. Quitting isn't going well, but only because I want to starve, and when I starve I cope with cigarettes.

It's finally getting warm here, and I decided to put on shorts one day when i knew the only person I would be seeing is my boyfriend.
A lot of the scars on my legs are really prevalent still, and they look pretty nasty. It's triggering for me to look at my legs because I miss cutting so fucking much, but yet everyone around me tells me that they can't stand seeing the 'old' scars on my legs. My grandma took one look at me, and then closed her eyes and started crying. Before I could say anything, she shook her head and said 'your legs....'.

That was triggering to me. I haven't eaten very much since then.
I just wish everything would stop.
I wish I could stop this ride for a while and just disappear. Come back when I wanted.
But I can't.

As for moving out, my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting our own place, with different roommates. But to do that, we would have to meet a lot more qualifications than what we would have to meet if we moved in with my best friends boyfriend. It's such a stressful situation, and I don't think I am handling it very well. But whatever.

Anyways, that's my update. I still haven't weighed, because I know I am a fat fucking whale, but eventually I will have to face the music.

Thank you

I just want to say a big thank you to Bella, Cursium, and Melanie for commenting on my last post.

I feel like people say this a lot, but it really means a lot to me. A lot of the time, I don't bother to voice my thoughts because I don't believe I'm  heard.
But it's nice to know that there are still people who care what I have to write, and who are sticking around because they want to.
It's nice to know that someone finds me interesting.
So just, thank you. Xx

...

Does anyone actually read this?
Does anyone actually care?
Or is it just me?
Is there a point to this?

An update?
I paid off both of my loans, and now am free of them.
I am thinking of moving in with my best friend and her boyfriend and my boyfriend so that I can be own my own.
However, I have the necessary $600, but I don't know if they will.
I have been working like mad. Close to 40 hours a week.
Buuuut all my money is going to shit. I don't have enough.
I still haven't done any school. The difference now is that I am lying and saying that I am making progress when I am not.
I'm pretty sure I am maintaining, but I won't weigh myself because I am depressed enough already.

I'm alone.
I have my boyfriend, but only to an extent. I am really alone in the worst way.
I feel so guilty. So sorry, for everything I do. I'm not worth it.
I have work at 5am tomorrow, and they just makes me want to cry. I don't want to go.
But I have to.

Does anyone actually care enough to read this? Is anyone there?

I Promise

I'm still around.
I haven't been blogging much, because I honestly don't know what to say.

The battery in my scale died, so I can't weigh myself.
I finally got close to 40 hours on a pacheck so I can pay off my loans and get back on track.
I have quit smoking cigarettes, for the most part. Trying to stay at 1 a day.
I'm back in starving mode, I don't wanna eat at all and if I do I exercise ot off x2.
Still no progress with school.
Still no progress with my mood.

But I'm still here.