......?

Yesterday was an entirely crazy day. I don't really know how to explain it or where to start.
Last week I only worked 3 days, for a total of 16 hours. This week I only work 3 days for a total of 23 hours. What bullshit is that? My boss, S, has two people working for him that I cannot stand. One of them is 16 and starting school next week so she will only be able to "work weekends". The other is older, and has a kid, but has never had a job. So this is her first job, and I feel like that makes a difference. Both of them have been described as "temporary" because they aren't the kind of people that S wants to keep long term. However, both of them have about 3x the amount of hours I do, and I am the one that I think S wants to keep. I could be entirely wrong about that. I just don't think it makes sense to give me such a little amount of hours though. My boyfriend keeps telling me to just wait it out another week and then at least one of them won't be around and therefore I will have more hours. But it's kind of hard not to be upset after the repetition of only working 16 hours when I am trying to find somewhere to live. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Given the type of restaurant that I work at, we're a target for business during the football season (Go Broncos!). The first pre-season game we had about two weeks ago we weren't ready for. Tons of people came in to order food and we made it through most of the game, but towards the end of the night we had to close down because we were out of chicken till the next morning. This time we were better prepared. Saturday night my boyfriend and I were at work until about 1am blanching chicken so that we could be ready for the game the next day. Yesterday though was nothing like we were expecting it to be. We weren't as slammed as we were the previous game, so in a sense we were over prepared. But we were all working fine and it's my fault that it didn't stay that way.
I started to get frustrated about only working part of the day yesterday, and then little things started to remind me of how fat I am. Yesterday the restaurant across the street brought over some food and I didn't want any though my boyfriend was trying to get me to eat some. He kept trying to get me to eat and I kept telling him no. So he would put it a little closer to my face, and I would back away. Eventually I just said no and walked away, feeling like I didn't possibly deserve to eat because I am a fat waste of space. I did however eat some french fries yesterday, along with some energy drinks. But while working all I could think about was the fat hanging over my jeans, the way my arms jiggled. Every step I took, I jiggled. And it only increased my anger.
When we weren't busy, everyone was supposed to be doing something other than just standing around. But nobody really seemed to be doing that, so I went over to the corner and started looking up tattoo's that I could use for inspiration since I am looking to get one very soon. As soon as I picked up my iPod, I was told to go was windows. Which I was fine with. So I washed half of them, and then we got a little busy again so I stopped and went back to trying to get orders out. When those were done, I went to clean the other half of the windows, and more people came in. Everyone touches the glass on the doors as they walk in, so of course there are going to be fingerprints and such. I don't see the point in washing the windows during the middle of the day when more people and children are going to come in and touch the windows again.
So he sent me home but by then I was so absolutely livid that when I went outside I couldn't think of anything else but my blade. I ended up cutting and my boyfriend walked outside. Of course he got upset, but when we started talking about it I just broke down in tears. He told me that I might not have a job there anymore and that only made me want to cut even more. But he took my blade, not that I don't have more.

I feel like I am becoming the person I used to be, and I don't like it. I like who I was... before I started to lose myself again.
I just wish I could erase the last few days of my life. Pretend that they never existed so that I wouldn't be so upset. My thoughts aren't relenting, and I still have nightmares. They've followed me here, too. Will I ever be able to escape?

I just want to sleep and fade away from this world.