This morning was stressful. I woke up at about 5am from a nightmare. My boyfriend is getting tired of it, I think. Because I am so about leaving the past in the past, but unfortunately for me this is something I can't seem to leave. I didn't want it to follow me here, but it did.
I never really got back to sleep after that, as per usual. When we finally got up at about 9, one of the first things he told me while I was smoking my morning cigarette was that one of our roommates had accused me of, essentially, snooping. I didn't really know what to say, and I still don't. I just told my boyfriend that I wasn't like that, and he said that's what he had told her as well.
But really, she had to mention it to her boyfriend, who mentioned it to my boyfriend, who then mentioned it to me. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? I thought I finally grew out of elementary school bullshit when I dropped out of high school. But I guess not.
Was I wrong to be upset? I still kind of am, because I can admit, as a kid I was that kind of person. I snuck around in almost everything that I did, and eventually I changed everything about who that was. I am not like that anymore, and I never care to go back. I guess it only matters that I know I wasn't snooping in their room. But I guess it still hurts because do they really think of me like that? I already thought that they didn't like me and didn't want me in their apartment... But I guess that just kind of proves it?
My boyfriends car had to be left at work last night and when we went to go get it, her boyfriend came with us. My boyfriend and him started talking and eventually my boyfriend told him that an "ex" of mine (we were never together, we were pretty much just fuck buddies during a really dark time in my life) took advantage of me in the past and that he wanted to go kick this guy's ass. I understand that he didn't really say too much that was revealing, but I feel like now he is going to look at me weird because I am "that girl". The one who can be taken advantage of. I guess because of my past and the sexual abuse, I just feel like it's branded into me and that anyone who sees me know knows. It's so stupid, but I guess that's my life.
So needless to say, I was upset.
My boyfriend also has a problem with my ex's because I guess he has been cheated on in the past. So have I. I know how that feels, and therefore I would never even consider it in the first place. But even if an ex of mine messages me because at one point we may have been friends after our breakup, he doesn't seem to see that I have no interest in them. I guess part of it could be that once you are cheated on, you're always going to be wary of being cheated on again, but it's a trust thing. He has to trust me enough to let me show him that I won't cheat on him. Because actions speak louder than words, so he has to give me time. I don't know what else I can say that will show him that I love him and that he is the one I want to be with. So then I get insecure and it just turns into a fight.
Eventually I told my boyfriend what was up and we kind of worked it out, but I still can't really let it go.
I'm just uncomfortable now around them now. I don't want to look them in the eyes, and I want to spend as little time around them as possible. Which would probably make me seem more antisocial, but I don't know what else to do.
I'm way too insecure. Every little thing turns into something in my head, and though I don't voice the majority of it to him. But it is taking it's toll on me. I want to fight for him, but I just don't know how to make this work. I don't want to cause any issues with his friends, because I want them to like me. I know he would choose them over me, just because he has known them longer and I'm just a girl. So therefore I don't want to make him choose.
I guess the one positive note I have for today is that I realized something. Before I met my boyfriend, I would have more bad days than good and I didn't think it would ever be the other way around. But somehow, without ever realizing it was happening, I started to have more good days than bad. Sure, I have bad moments in the day and I have a lot of internal shitstorms, but overall I'm happy. And happy isn't something I thought I could be.
I've also become somewhat of a better person since meeting my boyfriend. I stopped doing Meth, along with other drugs. I didn't want to stop, but I wanted him more and I stopped without realizing it. I stopped cutting for the most part, though that is still a struggle. I at least cut a hell of a lot less than I want to, because of him.
I'm happy.
And that's why I would do anything it took to keep him. This isn't like all the other "relationships" I had. This one actually counts. I want to fight for him if that's what it takes more than I have ever wanted to fight for anyone... Ever. What makes such a thing possible with him, I don't know. But I only know that I honestly can't picture myself without him.
And hopefully I never have to.
I still have more to write, but the rest will have to wait until tomorrow because I'm pretty fucking tired and have to work all day tomorrow. 11 to 9, wee. Only 10 hours from now, and there is shit to be done before then as well.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
You worry so much sweetie. Just take a deep breath and realize that you are a strong, beautiful woman and you can conquer anything! <3
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I do worry too much. Thank you. I love you too. Xx
DeleteOh sweet girl.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, the snooping thing is pathetic. I hate hearing that people can still be so childish and petty. We're not in school anymore. And I know it's easier said than done, but you're either going to have to ignore it or confront it. They're the only two options. And ignoring it is probably easier. So often, I keep everything inside and suffer in silence rather than causing conflict. It's what we have to do sometimes.
As for your boyfriend telling about your past, I don't think that was quite right of him to do, but there's nothing you can do about it now. Just try not to think about it, and don't let it get to you. Nobody is judging you, and if they are then they're not the sort of people who are worth your concern.
And finally, I know exactly how it feels to have someone who makes it better. Who saves you every single day that you're with them. But if you keep fighting, you have to be aware that something's not right. I really, really hope it works out for you. But something I had to realise the hard way was that it wasn't working. And it wasn't a healthy relationship. Trust wasn't there anymore. Trust me, realising that I'm going to have to be ok on my own now without this person who made everything better is fucking hard. But once you realise that things can be better than you once thought, you have to keep fighting for things to be better despite not having that person do it all for you.
My point isn't that things aren't going to all be ok in your relationship, because I'm sure it will be. But it's possible to be ok after it, too. Well, actually I'll get back to you on that one after I've been alone for a bit longer, ha.
Just be strong, beautiful.
P.s. I posted some pics of my tattoos for you.
Much love <3