Taking it one moment at a time.

My day started with skipping my first class. I have to take the bus to school, so I was already late. I could have gone to my second period (I have first period off). But instead, I found myself in the library. Sitting here.

Not that that is a bad thing.

I wonder what today will bring.
Last night, I had a bad night. I will be honest. Maybe it will help.
All of my suicidal thoughts, self harm, self hatred, come at night.
2 days ago, a friend had to talk me down from doing something, anything, stupid. Running away, suicide, something I couldn't undo. I never did anything, but I was so close. I was numb to caring about myself. I just wanted to die, to be okay. (Totally opposite, but whatever.)
Then last night, I had found a way to manage eating. I was kinda doing well.... And a friend volunteered to help me through meals if I needed the support. The problem with that, I couldn't text when I needed her most. It was at my niece's birthday party. I didn't want to eat the cake, but I was being told I was disrespectful. Long story short - I ate it. And when I tried to text my friend for support, my phone got taken. So I was kinda in a bad spot.

The anxiety didn't come till later, when I was making cookies. I ate some of the cookie dough, it's always been my favorite part of making cookies. But it set off LOADS of anxiety, and anger, and self hate thoughts. So I self harmed. A lot. Realizing, later, that there were better options, but at the time, all I saw was that. All I knew was that I needed to hurt, I deserved it, for eating that damn cake and cookie dough. Even this morning, I still feel the anger.
Usually other people aren't mad at me, or they get over it quickly. I never, if rarely, forgive myself, and I hold things against myself to the highest degree. I am myself's worst critic. I know this, and some how it makes me proud. The self harm scars/soon-to-be-scars make me proud. Because when this is all over, they will be a reminder that I have hit such a low point, and that I got back up. A reminder that I can't give up. That I am worth something. They are kinda like battle scars. For me. I hate when everyone else sees them. Or kinda.

The ones all down my thigh though, I wonder how I will explain those to Cimiron. (my bf). I love him so much, and I see how much it hurts him when I hurt myself, when he hears about my ED. He doesn't know much about Ana and I. All he knows is that I used to have Bulimia. Not anymore. When he left last summer, I promised him that I would try to stop the self harm. For myself, for him. That plan both worked and failed. It failed, for obvious reasons. It worked, because I've self harmed so much less. Hopefully it can soon be never. He makes me want to be better. To be stronger, to be healthy. At least until I remember all the reasons why I became sick in the first place. I can't pin everything on him though. I have to want to do this for myself. I have to want to be strong, to get better. And I still don't want to do that yet.

On another note, I met a very wonderful person. I can't even tell you how I met her, I don't even really know. Other than I saw her comment on a blog, and I decided to text her, to try to get support, and to support her. Simple as that. She's been amazing to me. It means a lot.
So I told her about the disaster last night, and we've agreed that we're both going on a fast today. I've heard that if you fast after you binge, you lose more weight. I hope this is true. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. If it is true, I may have found a solution (however unhealthy) to my problem. It won't be easy, life with Ana never is. But it is possible. That's all I need.

I've completely given up on ABC. In case anyone was interested. I followed it till about day 14, but then I lost track of where I was, got into a binging cycle, and a self harm cycle. Then I got out of that, and just kinda gave up. It was working for me, so I might give it a try later. But for now, I'm not following any plan other than a day to day one. Today is fasting. I can do this.

Who knows what the rest of today will bring? I am not going to worry about it. I am just going to take each moment as it comes, do what I feel like. I hope I can get somewhere with this.
I hope everyone has a great day, take care. Xx I love every one of my readers, and the support that I get from everyone. it has kept em going, because you are all so wonderful. (:

Looking Forward

I am being productive today. Or trying.
I'm going to throw myself into school, do my chores, enjoy my last day of the weekend, and try my hardest to not eat.
My body is used to living on 1 meal a day, so therefore, to lose weight, I have to eat less than that.

Not easy.
Life with Ana is never easy.
But it's worth it.

My dad finally booked tickets and a condo for Hawaii in January. I am excited to go.
But I'm terrified. It will all be shorts and tank tops and bikini's. I don't want to be fat. I hate the way my thighs jiggle when I walk. That's the worst. So if I can lose a little bit of weight, then I can feel that much better.

I have until January 22nd. That's when we leave. I have to work my hardest.
I can do this.
Ana can help me.

I'm going to try to stay goal oriented and not give into the negative thoughts. The ones that tell me I will always be fat. That I will always be that girl. I won't.

I've got a long to do list today, and hopefully I can do it. Finals are in 2 weeks. I'm terrified. Most of them are easy, the only hard ones will be World History, Spanish, and Chem. I am so bad at Chem. I just don't understand it. Maybe I can bullshit my way thorough it, to pass. (:

So far so good today. I'm feeling good. Hope I can keep it up.
Hope life for everyone out there reading this is well. If it isn't, well I'm always here to talk, if you want. Xx