Hawai'i

So I spent most of yesterday flying on airplanes.
We flew from Denver, to Sacramento, California.
Then from Sacramento to Los Angeles, California.
Then from Los Angeles, to Maui, Hawai'i.

LA isn't what everyone makes it out to be. I much preferred Sacramento. Maybe it's just me.
Hawai'i is beautiful.
I almost cried when I got here, just because I thought about how I would have to leave, and I never want to.
But at the same time, I got really suicidal knowing that I wouldn't have my razor blade or my laxatives, and that I wouldn't have any control over my food intake. But I also love trying the Hawaiian food here. It's so culture rich. I have fallen in love with Fried Pineapple. So bad for you, but I guess I won't be eating it once I leave.
I've made a deal with myself, which I think is why I'm not jumping off of any cliffs yet.
I am allowed to eat only at mealtimes, and I can eat anything I want. Within reason, of course.
When I get back to Colorado, on Feb 6th, I am doing a 5 day liquid fast. I don't give a fuck if I have to say that I have some deadly disease, I AM NOT EATING.
Simple as that.
Eating this much should boost my metabolism anyways. So I guess it could be worse.

It is helping, a bit. Not as much as I need it to.
This is the first vacation I've taken where Ana has really been a part of my life.
I can't say I hate it. I like that she's helping me keep in control.
Without her, I'd be even fatter.

In about 2 hours from now, we're going to get a swimming suit. We couldn't find one while I was in Colorado, because it was the middle of winter. So we're getting one here. I am more or less freaking out. I've only eaten once today, and it was grilled chicken with lettuce, onions, and some french fries. Not too bad, but bad. I can't worry though.

My dad has started up with the comments again....
Earlier today, we were walking around, and he told me to suck in my stomach. I didn't dare ask why.. I was already burning with humiliation.
I really and truly hate him.
A hate that I don't think I can ever forgive.
Sure, i'm happy and greatful that he took me on this vacation, but I hate him.
Even here, I won't be free.
I never am.

Just thinking about that comment he made, I want to cry.
I want to cut, take laxatives, and find some god damn way to purge. I don't even fucking know why I can't.
I feel like i'm losing any sanity I had,
This vacation was supposed to give me a breath from the suffocation I was feeling at home.
The helplessness.
The suicidal thoughts.
Instead, they've only come with me.

How dare I think that my dad had changed?
He has been joking with me, laughing, being kind.
Is it all some kind of sick joke?
Or is he really just that fucking naive?

I'm so hurt by that comment he made... I can't even describe it.
I've never ever felt a hatred like this before.
13 months.
13 months.
386 days.
I can do this.
I have to.

To make it even worse, I can't talk to Cimiron. I was 2 hours behind him when I was in Colorado, and now i'm 5. Which if you think about it, is kinda a big time difference. So I guess I will just have to talk to him when I get back. Unless it's through Facebook. 2 weeks.... That's a long ass time. Ugh. Somtimes, it seems so easy to lose him. To just say "This isn't working" and BAM! There's nothing I can do. #Long Distance Relationship Problems.
LOL

Anyways, enough of my complaints.
I'm just gonna shove them away, and enjoy my time here.
2 weeks.
Nowhere near long enough, and nowhere near short enough.
^ story of my life.
Haha

Here's a photo that I took. It isn't great. My phone has a shitty camera. But i'll upload the ones off my camera later, and try to get the rest off my phone.
Time to go fit my fat ass into a swimming suit and go to the beach! And get a tan! (: