I worry so much about my relationships with people.
I worry that I burden them
I worry that I bother them.
I worry that they will hate me.
If they know about my Eating Disorder, or my Self Harm, then I worry they will run away.
That they will give up on me.
That they can't deal with me.
I worry that I will get hurt.
I worry that I will hurt them.
I worry that I can't be good enough.
I worry that I make them worry.
I worry about them telling other people how messed up I am.
I worry that I will lose them.
I worry that they only feel pity, or something similar to it, towards me.
I worry that I just waste their time.
I worry that they stick around me because they're afraid of what I'd do if they didn't.
I worry that they see me as weak.
I know that some of these are irrational, but most of these things, I've worried about no matter what kind of relationship it is. If it's an acquaintance, I worry. If it's a friend, I worry. If it's my boyfriend, I worry. If it's family, I worry.
I don't want to live like this. I want to change it. I want to be proved wrong.
I want to change how I see things.
But I don't even know how. This is more or less a habit, a moral. A deep part of me, because it's always been that way.
I've had my dad tell me that I am a waste of his time, he's made me feel like I'm a burden to him.
I've had friends tell me that I'm a waste of time, that they just can't deal with me. That they don't care enough, so they just give up.
Everyone, in my life, fits into one of those categories of worries.
I want a way out. I don't want to worry so much, not about this.
If anyone has ever had any of these worries, and overcome, them, or changed them... Maybe you could share a bit about it and how you got over it? Anything is welcome, at this point, I just need something.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Sweetie, when you worry so much about other people, you forget who is the most important person is; you. I know how hard it is to not worry so much, but if you focus on yourself, then you can work on yourself as a person and not what others think of you. I'm always going to be here for you.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Most of the time I don't worry what other people think of me, but more and more recently, I've become aware of how self centered I am, and when I thnk of that, all these worries pop into my head, and more. They play on repeat 24/7. Never ending.
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