Nothing really.
I'm not 100% sure if I'm back on track, or if I'm just bullshitting everything. But moving away from my blog didn't really help much. It just kinda made me and my progress, frozen almost?
This is like my little corner of the universe to rant and rave in. I can't give that up, can I? [;
Naww, so I'm back.
Despite going downhill in my control factor (Getting it back though!!!) and having some issues, I feel like I'm in a good mood. Though I'm pretty good at bullshitting myself to the point of belief, but for now, I'll just roll with it. :D
I'm slowly getting caught up on my work from the last 2 weeks. There's so much to do, and therefore I wish to procrastinate!! But I know that I can't. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I am free!!! ^_^
I have a 4 day weekend this week (No school on Friday or next Monday), so it's ass kicking time for my work!!
Of course, that also means I have a color guard competition. We had one last Saturday... And in my opinion, it sucked.
I dropped every toss we threw, and I messed up a lot of drill. Needless to say, I wasn't the only one. We ended up getting last place in our division, with a score of 39.90. The scores are out of 100, so that should tell you how bad we did.
I hope to improve this week though, as much as I can. Our instructor wants to add more to it on Tuesday, which is going to be really stressful, but hey, I've only had about 3 days to learn the whole show, so I shouldn't be stressing. I mean, it's not the end of the world, if we suck, right?
I've started counting down the weeks till it's over, just because I'm excited not to have to go anymore. It's fun, but so stressful. At least right now. Maybe later it won't be. I have 8 more practices, 4 more competitions, and 4 more weeks left!!!
There's so much cold weather here.... And that makes me sad inside, because I really wanted to start running again... Just not in like 10 degree weather. -_-
I got new headphones!!! Finally! Mine broke while I was on vacation, and I wasn't able to get new ones until now. I live with them in my ears, pretty much 24/7... So I'm glad to have them back!!
I actually got out of my hermit hole on Saturday/Sunday and hung out with a friend of mine. We went to the movies, saw Breaking Dawn: Part 2. I know, I know.... Vampires, Werewolves, etc... NO. Buuut..... I like them still. Jacob (Taylor Lautner is hot!!) :D
I laughed quite a bit, and I got a duck army!! (Randomness...)
Basically, now I have like 40 little rubber ducks... I don't know why but I love them (:
It felt so nice to laugh. For once. To not be so upset, or down, or depressed. Of course, those emotions are still there, but I guess "Fake it till you make it"? So even if it's not actual happiness (What the hell is actual happiness anyways??!!?) I'll take it.
Not looking forward to today, but actually, that's just because I would rather be at home! Haha.
I misplaced some very important things that I NEED, so I have to find them.
I don't know what I did with them, but I pray to Jesus that I didn't permanently lose them. Otherwise, I'm in deep shit! I always do this. -_- I lose everything, no matter how hard I try not to. I might just have to start gluing things to myself... Awkward!!
But seriously, I lose everything. No bueno!!
On the downside, I've been cutting/burning a lot recently. Like, more than usual. Yesterday, it was 3 times. Which, damn. I now that I shouldn't, but it's like if there's anything that stresses me out, and I can't cope with it, that's my out. Bad habits, I know. But I guess it's normal for me, so I don't see how bad it is?
I've started texting Cimiron again, telling him every time I do something self destructive. It isn't as much as I'd like it to be, but it has helped me tone things down a bit. I stopped for a while, because I didn't want him to know anything, but then I asked him if he wanted me to keep texting him. He said that it helped him understand what everyday is like for me. What I go through. And that it allowed him to support me more. So I returned to it.
Either way, today is a new day, and I'm hoping that I can keep this good mood.
No promises, but by looking at the last few days, well, I guess things are starting to look up? Maybe for once I can finally throw myself back into the light. Instead of hiding in this darkness. I'm working on changing my views on how I look at things.. Like with the cutting thing. I could look at it as a failure, so why try to change it? Instead, I'm choosing to see that today is a new day, and that it can only be a bad day if I let it be a bad day. It's easier said than done, but it's worth a shot.
So... I was supposed to be working on school work... but instead I've spent the last 45 minutes reading blogs, and writing. SO PRODUCTIVE. Oh well. I'll just have to work on things throughout the day. I can do this. Slowly but surely. I have a lot of work to do, especially since if I don't get all my F's up by this Saturday, I'm ineligible to compete in the competition. Bleh... Why?? Best be getting on it, eh? xD
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