Fear Controls Me

I got high last night... The kind of high where I can fly. It was nice, and I am glad that I got to share that oppertunity with my boyfriend, A.

It was fun for the most part, except I started freaking out and crying on my back porch. He was there with me, and as soon as he went inside its like the floodgates opened. I didn't want him to see me cry, and I didn't want to repeat my past mistakes..

I'm tired of living in fear...

Fear of life.

Fear of my body.

Fear of my weight, and of food.

A rediculous fear of moths.

Fear of things that I cannot control.

Fear of the unknown..

So basically... Everything.

He seems to promise that I can get better. That things can improve. I want to believe him, but how do you turn your back on the only thing you have ever known?

It is kind of a given that he wants me to stop cutting. But do I want to? He says I don't need the blade anymore, but what will replace it?

I am afraid to repeat history again... But how can I stop it? I can only predict it, and watch it happen.

I feel so helpless.

I cut the other day while he was at work, because I needed him... But I also needed a reason to not deserve him. At first he asked what happened, and he wanted to talk to me about it. I didn't want to talk to him, because as soon as I started to open up, I got slammed with guilt. I got out of his car and started walking, and for once he followed. Everyone else in my life would just watch me walk away... But he chased me and brought me back.

I can honestly say that I'm happy with him, but I fear that same happiness because I know well that it can disappear as soon as it appears.
I know that my insecurities are going to get in the way... But how do I stop that?
I wish I could escape my head.

I fear attention..
Whenever I am out and about, I know that people notice me. They stare, they comment about me... Whether it be my weight, my scars, or my perso.ality. All I want to do is hide. But that is just another thing that I can't control.
When will I stop being afraid to live?

How do I eradicate this guilt that clings to me like a second skin?
There is so much guilt over so many different things that they just kind of blend together and I can only identify it as fear.

When will I start deserving him?
If I don't change soon, I could lose him. The one good thing in my life that has begun to heal me.. I can't lose that.
I know I have been with him for a very short time, but it feels like forever. I don't feel like we were ever strangers. Things are just easy and natural for us, when I don't get in the way.
But that seems to be what I am good at - getting in the way.

I wish I could escape myself, my head, my life. My fat body.
But it isn't that easy.. Not anymore.
I need him, but in the same breath I can't need anyone because need equals vulnerability. And that has only lead to destroying me farther.

I got a tattoo that says "Destroy what destroys you" because I hope one day I can be a survivor and not a victim. But how do you define the two? I am a long ways away from that, and yet I feel short on time. Every second passes too quickly, each minute gone before I can blink. Days feel like seconds, and I want it to slow down. I need more time, but for what? Why am I so desperate for time, when I am so afraid of the things I can't control? How could I even entertain the thought that I could control time?
It is a hopeless fantasy.

I almost want to keep marking the passage of time with marks in my skin, but can I? Our do I only think I can?
My thoughts build and build until they drown me, and when I fall beneath the waves, the blade is always there to pull me back. Compensation is always there to help as well, but I am changing without warning and I don't know what that means anymore. Is it good or bad? Maybe both?

I guess I can only learn to live with this fear, because I don't have the control and to say I could be in control would only be a lie. Not that those are uncommon for me, but I don't want them to be anymore.

So what is it that I want?
I don't even know.
So I leave with still no answers.
As always.