I actually don't know how to say what's going through my head for once. I just know it's a lot.

I woke up this morning to more bullshit from my mom, basically telling me that I was untrustworthy, selfish, and a bunch of other things. She told me bullshit excuses, and told me that I could just go ahead and enjoy my life without her. We just got approved for freedom the other day and now she is trying to tell me to forget about the whole thing, as if it didn't matter.

I'd rather she have just punched me.

I went through so much hell to reach that point... And she just rejects it all. On top of that, I got approved to go visit my brother today, who I haven't seen in over 10 years. I was so psyched to go, and then my mom just tells me that she is going without me.

I don't even know what else to say. That's just gasoline to the flame..

I refuse to be somewhere I am not wanted, but I thought if anyone would ever want me around, it would be my mother since we are so much alike. But not even she wants me around.

So, what is it? What's so wrong with me such that neither of my parents want me?

I don't need them, but.. I don't know how to explain what I feel about that or even why I should give a fuck in the first place. I shouldn't, but I do. Quite a bit more than I would like to admit.

When I weighed myself this morning, I was 144.6 lbs. Which means that I somehow lost around 1.8 lbs since yesterday morning.

How the fuck I managed that, I don't know. I thought yesterday's intake of 300 was bad, but today's intake makes it look incredible.

I've had 1/2 a buttered noodle entree (465), some ice cream, and half of a freezie thing, and some nachos and fries. I am just horrified and fucking livid at myself because I know I'll have gained by tomorrow. But tomorrow begins my emptiness again. No food for me.

I was laying on my bed with my boyfriend this morning and I stood up to get a drink. I got really lightheaded as I usually do whenever I stand after sitting, but then my vision started to dim. I grabbed my dresser to steady myself and then.. I guess I passed out. The next thing I knew was that I was on the ground staring up at my boyfriend. I once again shrugged it off, pretending it wasn't anything to be worried about. But I know it freaked him out. He said that I looked like I had OD'd on something, and the time before that I was told that I stopped breathing for a minute. I know I should feel scared, but I feel kind of... Numb? I mean, yeah passing out isn't good. But I don't really care because knowing that I am losing weight every day and am perfectly empty - that is enough. Not that I would expect that to make sense to anyone.

So after I ate lunch, and such, I've been trying to find the motivation to exercise to compensate, but I can't. My body is tired, but I can't let it rest. Aaannnd, I just so happened to find a little of my friend Jenny around today. I know, I know. I am supposed to be avoiding it, at least for a while. But I am horrified by what I have eaten today, and honestly don't know what I am gonna do once the sun goes down very soon.

I have been feeling the urge to self harm since I woke up this morning and it has only gotten stronger. I don't even know what to say to my boyfriend about it, but I know he would want me to.

I have been feeling increasingly more bitchy as the day goes by as well. I don't know why, but I just want to lay around and relax. Every muscle in my body feels tired, and I can't allow myself to feel that way.

Right now I feel unpredictable. Hah.

I guess it's true. Your stomach really does shrink. Why does that make me slightly happy inside?

But I absolutely despise this feeling. Actually, that's a fucking understatement. I don't know what I am going to do after this, but I'm going to make an honest effort to calm the fuck down. If I take this level of anger out on myself, I'm not sure where I would stop. I can't honestly say I would stop..

But it is nighttime now and that is always my weakest time. It's almost impossible to ignore the screaming in my head, or to escape the anxiety and anger. Especially when it gets to this point. I remember the last time I felt this angry. This helpless and self destructive. Fed up, scared, and suicidal. But I can't let it show. I shouldn't. I have to be the better version of me.

I'm always cold as fuck after eating. Like the act of accepting food in my stomach is more than my body has energy for and therefore it can't keep me warm. I don't like being cold. 

When I think about it... I have changed a lot, really fast. None of my clothes fit me anymore, nor do the shorts I bought not so long ago. I can see the difference in my legs when I am laying down. I can feel my hipbones and my stomach is almost flat. But I still weigh more than I am comfortable with and therefore I have to keep going.

I don't feel like talking to anyone, other than A. I don't know why, but I don't have the energy to respond to others.

I'm laying at a lake with my boyfriend watching the sunset and the sound of the lake is slightly calming. But it hardly takes the edge off of the anxiety and overwhelming sense of disgust and anger. But I am trying to keep that hidden, and not let him see it. I don't know why, or maybe I just don't want to feel the guilt.

I lost my job the other day, and though it was my decision, myself and my fault entirely... I can't stop hating on myself for it and tearing myself apart. I need to cut. I need that release.

I just don't want to say anything right now, and that's usually when shit hits the fan. I don't wanna exist right now. It's such a forceful feeling, and what am I supposed to do except what I know?

I just want today to end. It was a good day, or at least better than most, but I'm tired. I just want to sleep, and preferably better than I did last night. Guess I couldn't expect A to keep all of the dreams away. Eventually I will have to face them, but hopefully not for a while. I wish I could just forget.

I just need to breathe. One day should definitely not be so difficult to get through. It is a little easier with my boyfriend here next to me, willing to help. I just have to reach out and accept it, and let him help me. I have to want to help myself. Which I honestly don't want to, and I don't know why I don't want to. I wouldn't even know how to accept his help if I ever did want to. 

I don't even feel like I have enough energy to hope for a tomorrow. I just want to take a break. I want there to be an endless amount of hours between the end of today and the beginning of tomorrow where time does not exist. Where feelings, thoughts, memories.. Do not exist. Just an emptiness to rest in before gearing up to take on tomorrow.

I can't let that weariness show. I have to be stronger than my fatigue, than my thoughts. I can't let them drown me, if not for the sake of me then for the sake of A. I wouldn't want him to see that. But if that's what it comes to, then I can't stop him from seeing it.

I will be fine. I have to. But my control is slipping.