So today would have been day 5 of complete fasting. Except my boyfriend was starting to get more adamant about it,,,; I was really trying not to, but I guess I didn't try hard enough.
The end result was two and a half chicken tenders (233) and he tried to get me to drink a milkshake but I only took a sip (50).
When I looked up the nutritional info, I saw that the milkshake was just too much. I couldn't make my throat open enough to take another bite. It was good though.
So my total intake for the day is going to be around 300. I guess I can deal with that, but I really wanted to be empty. At least it didn't stop the head rushes and the bullshit with my vision. That proves that my body is hungry still, which means that it will burn fat.
Which means I might actually see a lower number on the scale tomorrow. I really need to just get there already. I am so fucking close to my goal, and then its off to my next one. I have to keep going lower and lower. I have to keep myself in control because one slip up and all my hard work is out the window. I love this feeling - like I am weightless and like I could just float away. It's such a nice change from feeling every centimeter of space I take up, all the while deserving none of it.
I am so grateful that my boyfriend cares about me enough to want to keep me from passing out... But it's impossible for him to understand how much I hate myself and my fear of food. They aren't such common things, at least not in the usual sense.
How do you explain something like that, that sounds so absolutely crazy?
I have been tripping today. Mentally i don't feel all put together because it took so long for mei form a sentence with the keep seeing shadows out of the corners of my eyes, and sometimes when I look at something it just doesn't look right and I have to wait a minute for it to look as it should. I feel especially jumpy and anxious today, and I can't figure out why.
I straight up almost flipped shit on my back porch earlier because I am not strong enough to face my fears. I know they will just get worse from here on out, if I don't face them soon. But that feels impossible for many different reasons. And I only seem to infuriate myself even more. This cycle is all too easy to get sucked into.
Played some mind games with my mom earlier. She was upset over something she neglected to tell me, and then refused when I offered her a redud basically. So to spite me she took the one thing she just gave me. A chance to see my brother who I haven't seen in over 10 years. How could you do something like that?
I don't know about even going there on my own because I don't know shit about the system. But that was just such an amazing opportunity, gone almost as fast as it appeared. I made her really mad and "fucked her over" just like everyone else, she said she wasn't gonna go. So I don't fucking know, but I DO know that my chances to see him are limited to a short span of time, and time seems to move all too fast these days.
It's like I can't blink or I will miss an entire week. It's just passing by, and I want it to slow down.
I am waiting for my anxiety to fade from earlier, although I want to exercise. I feel like shit though, so I don't want to at the same time. Of course it's obvious what Ana says.
Logically I know that eating 300 calories isn't gonna make me gain 5 lbs. I just hate the uncomfortable feeling of my stomach processing a foreign substance: food. I feel like I can just feel the fat sticking to everywhere it doesn't need to be
I think I'm slightly over-emotional today.
I still haven't spoken to my best friend properly in a while, but I just want to forget our issues and move on. At the same time this makes R slightly a liability and just another thing to figure out, though.
I think eating made me tired, and if that is the case then I may be in trouble. I could walk to and from work.
I can't eat and then be so lazy and sleep! I have to use those empty calories and get this shit out of my stomach, but all I wanna do is curl up in a ball next to A and just be. That's been the gist of today. We were out all of last night taking pictures as watched the sun come up. It was pretty neat actually, and I got some pretty decent photos from it.
So we came back to my house at around 6am and although neither of us has done all that much today, that's alright. Well, it was. Now I wish I had the ability to purge or that I hadn't eaten at all. I'm scared of the food being in my body.
I just gotta chill.
Mellow out and stop trippin. I am not sure of what we are doing tonight, but the one thing I know for sure is that I am going to have a negative net before the end of the dàys.
Well writing isn't helping my anxiety at all, and so I guess that's all I have to say for now. Maybe I will have better luck drowning out my thoughts with music. And of course there's my boyfriend right there (; that's distraction enough. I just gotta get rid of it and I will be fine. I will begin fasting again tomorrow and do better. I will reach my goals.
I have nothing if not my self control.
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