Just A Thought

I am so tired. My body needs sleep, and I am fighting the urge to sleep because I don't deserve it. I ate today, like a normal person. I had to, to hide. I tried to purge, but it is never enough.

My body is paying for it, because I have stomach cramps like I haven't had in such a long time.
Why do I do this?
Why can't I live in peace?
Starve, be as ritualistic as I want without worrying who will intervene. I am losing pretty much everyone.
But still things aren't bad enough.

I absolutely cannot wait until Friday when I get paid. I am goimg to spend a large chunk of my money on what most would consider a waste. But if I buy such a thing, then that means I won't have money to buy food. Which means I can at least have a legit reason for not eating.
I just can't pass out in front of anyone again. I need to keep my eating disorder hidden, or they will make me stop. I don't want to stop. I am still far too fat.

I miss cutting. I can't wait for winter when it will be easier to hide under several layers. Because I am cold anyways. Nobody would look at me twice.

I lost my best friend today, over such a stupid reason. But I mean, she said some really harsh things to me, and how am I supposed to react? I guess it just proves that I was right. I guess 7 years of friendship means nothing. Everyone is only temporary. When will I stop looking for the exception to that rule? There isn't one. People pretend to be different, but nobody ever is. Same shit, different day.

I honestly wish I could just take sleeping pills or something for a day or two and just sleep. I need the mental break before I totally lose it. Maybe I already have. I just need to disappear. Once I get a job, I am going to keep that job for a little while to save up some money, and then I am getting the fuck out of here. Not telling anyone where I am going, or when. I am just gonna go and it will be as if I never existed. Everyone will just forget about me, and when they do, I will finally be free.