I am pathetic.
Tomorrow is August first. Soon after that, school will be starting again and where will I be?
Everyone is heading off to college and moving on with their lives. As they should be.
Not me.

It's been about two or two and a half months since I dropped out. Every day, I forget more and more. Every day the dreams I used to have feel farther and farther away.
College.
A good job.
Pride.
What I worked so hard for..
All gone in just a blink.

I made everyone think I was the best. That I was smart, ambitious, everything they wanted me to be. Then the curtain fell and they saw the girl hiding behind.
This girl wasn't perfect.
And that was the deal breaker...

I mean, what am I?
I don't have a job, and can't keep one.
The place I stay is only temporary.
I don't have a high school diploma, or the equivalency.
I don't have friends.
I don't have a life..
I don't even have my sanity.
I am falling, fast and hard. Into a darkness even I cannot see my way out of.

I have nothing, and I am nothing.
I can't even say that I can lose weight and not be so fat because I can't even do that.

And yet my boyfriend can't understand why I say I want to jump in front of a car. Or a train. Either would do.

He deserves so much better. And he could be with someone so much better than me. When people say they are jealous of what I have, I cannot hide my laugh.
I have nothing, I am nothing.
I have nothing to covet.
I have already lost everything.

And that is killing me in a way even I can't put words to.

"Destroy What Destroys You"
Yeah right.
It is very effectively destroying me, and I don't even have the strength to fight back.
I only hope my boyfriend realizes this and gets out before I can hurt him, too.