Set In Stone

Well. I am about 20 hours into my fast (as of 8pm), and still going strong.
At this point, if I even wanted to eat or drink something, I couldn't. My throat closes just thinking about it.
That probably shouldn't make me happy.... But it does.

I know how dangerous fasting is (on top of exercise), and restricting both fluids and food is worse. I know I need to drink something, anything. But I can't.
There is a war inside my body right now, caused by a choice I made. My stomach is hungry and starting to feel nauseous, but my mouth and mind are strong. They clench and say no to food. The muscles refuse to contract.... Though I can't say I am trying too hard.

This is my second day in a row being up in the clouds, but hopefully if anything it will reflect on the scale tomorrow morning.
This morning, stepping on my scale I realized how inaccurate my weight would end up being calculated as, so I quickly stepped off, although not quite fast enough.
I want to/shouldn't/need to/can't take laxies tonight. Just that thought alone spikes my anxiety because it's almost like I can feel the food digesting as it reaches my stomach... Which is repulsive. I am repulsive. I am a fucking blimp. *sigh* So I'll just have to do what I can to minimize bloating. Although I have a goal (139) for July, I am simply going to forget the goal and be as strict as possible with myself for these twelve days. No outside influence, no lies to tell and food to hide. No watching everyone around me watch me watch them while I "eat".

It will be just my boyfriend and I, but even then he is going to be working a lot for the next few days. If he somehow manages to "persuade" me into eating, I know what I have to do. No excuses. Excuses are for quitters and wishers... Reasons are for succeeders and accomplishments.
But if he can't see me eat during the day, he is less likely to bring it up during the evening after he gets off work.
"I want you to notice I am losing weight, but not stop me from doing it."
Is this really what my life has come to with this ever present paranoia and distrust to even my own family?

RANDOM (but not):
I have never been one to be too excited about my birthday. I never wanted the attention, the food, the celebration seemingly for yet another year of my life that has passed - meaningless. However, even as a kid 6 was my favorite number. I remember I had to count everything in multiples of 6, or that the number of steps I took on one block of cement had to be a multiple of 6. The one exception that even I can't explain?

My 19th birthday.

Sure, it was cool to turn 16, but I never did get my liscence or a car. (Just another lie he told me that wasted my time and only fueled the fire inside)
18 was supposed to be even better. Freedom. Choices. Responsibility. Adulthood. Being thrown out of the nest. When I turned 18, I wasn't thrown with care. I was thrown out of the nest as far to the right and backwards as possible, thinking I wouldn't survive. But as sure as they waste my time I proved them wrong. But being an adult sucks, as everyone says. Suddenly (coincidence?) every plan I had carefully formed and checked and worked out to perfection crumbled in front  of my eyes and I was left with nothing.
As seems to be the norm for life these days.

But turnimg 19 feels... Different somehow. It feels special, and important. What better gift is there to give myself than the gift of stepping on the scale and waiting a second while it calculates my weight, only to see my dream number there? Perfection, that I fought for through blood, sweat, and pain....
I can only dream of such a thing that's always just out of reach. But if I am strict enough with myself and work hard enough, that dream can happen when I am 19.
That gives me roughly seven months to lose approx. 37 lbs.
That would put me at a sub-goal of 5 lbs per month with the exception of this month. My goal for the end of July to put me on track is 138. Roughly 7 lbs (maybe less) to lose in 12 days. I should be less than 7 lns away though. I need to figure out how to help bloating.
I am starting to panic because there are all of these numbers, and I know all but one: my weight today. I really don't think it should make me panic as much as it does, but I have a specific way to weigh myself in the mornings and I never not do it. The exception is today because I was out riding the clouds last night and didn't get home until well past 7am, happy and laughing.
Lack of foods as well as liquids equals lightheaded fits of laughter and cuddling on my bed because lahimg down is easier than standing or sitting up.
I am riding the clouds tonight as well, and then tomorrow I will rest my body for such adventures. The fun begins again on Tuesday, or so I hope.

So here is a quick update of my stats: (never really posted them before(

Height: 78 inches (5'8")
Highest Weight: 186 lbs (2010)
Lowest Weight: 122 lbs
Current Weight: 145-ish
GW1: 138 lbs (7/x/14)
GW2: 133 lbs (8/x/14)
GW3: 128 lbs (9/x/14)
GW4: 123 lbs (10/x/14)
GW5: 118 lbs (11/x/14)
GW6: 113 lbs (12/x/14)
GW7: 108 lbs (1/31/14)

Seven goal weights for seven different momths. I absolutely cannot fuck this up. My 19th birthday is everythimg to me, amd I just know that if I fail, I will not be giving myself another chamce, or forgiveness. I MUST do this.

*Deep Breath* Alright. Let's go.