What Is It Worth?

I never feel like I have enough time. But how can someone have "enough" time? What is time?
Sometimes I feel like I can't even grasp the concept of time.
Most of the time I can't hardly realize when a day has ended or when it just beginning, because my days are one. I stay up past midnight and sleep when the world gets to be too much... and the days just blur together.

But there is no limit telling me when things have to be done.
When I should accomplish certain goals by.
There is no limit unless it's one that I personally impose.

So why do I feel like I am running out of time to go to school?
Why do I feel like every relationship I have in my life is on a time schedule that will eventually expire?
Why is it hard to feel the time passing, and know that with ever hour that I refuse food my body is getting smaller?
Why is it so hard to grasp these things?

Logically, I know the answers to these questions.
But I have grown tired of logic.
I want to feel these things happening.
I want to feel like I am accomplishing something by skipping dinner, and breakfast, and most of lunch.
I want to feel like there is a reason to my madness, and not that I am just wasting my life.

We base everything in our lives around time. Even I do it myself. But what if there was no time beyond the sun rising and setting? Would it only create more chaos in an already chaotic world, or would it slow everything down and let me take an actual breath for once. To breathe just to breathe, rather than knowing that I can take a breath now, but only for that moment. Because then after that one moment of peace, it's back to the chaos that is trying to "time" everything.

Time is a number, though.
Numbers rule my life.
Waiting for the next three hours until my boyfriend comes home.
Waiting until the sun risies to begin searching again.
Waiting until the sun sets to sleep.

That's all I do. I wait for this or for that. But even when I am technically in motion, it's hard to feel like I am making use of the time that I have versus wasting it.
How would you define wasting time anyways?
Because to one person something might be a waste of time,
but to the next it's all they want to do in that moment.

I can feel the time passing with every new day. With every new month, and soon to be with the new year. But it's nearly impossible to escape this feeling that I am doing nothing with the little time I am allowed to have. What am I accomplishing?
I often wonder if it would be better if you could borrow time. If we could pass off some of our time to someone who doesn't have as much. I would give all of my time to anyone who needed it, because they would definitely have a better use for my time than the nothing that I am using it for.
It's nearly been an entire year since I became an "adult". When you look at the big picture, a year is nothing. But when you break it down and look at just that one year, with all 12 months, it actually turns into a lot of time. So what have I done with that time? Honestly.. nothing important. Nothing that I can remember and feel proud of.
I basically waste my time, all the time.

I waste my time hating the body that I have to drag around until I breathe my last breath.
I waste my time starving, cutting, and abusing my body for what it is because it isn't what I want.
I waste my time thinking about all these numbers that have so much control over my life, when nobody else seems to see it.

But in that moment, it doesn't feel like wasting it. It doesn't feel like I am standing still, going nowhere while the rest of the world around me continues to live and move and breathe.
It doesn't feel like it, but that is exactly how it is. A year is plenty of time to accomplish great things! But when I look back over the last 5 years of my life.... I started to use my time to the best of my ability, but then things got in the way and I just... stopped.
I stopped moving forward, I stopped caring, and I started moving backwards.
I stopped trying to reach a goal, and instead threw caution and logic to the wind and simply started existing.

So I guess my question is, what is it worth, this "time" that we are all so obsessed with?
It is worth it to live by the rules of time that we have come to know, or would it be better to live without thinking about time. Without it being a constant element in our lives?
And even, what would life be like without living by a clock? By preset time schedules and plans?

Just some random thoughts. Xx