Insomnia really sucks.
I went to bed around 11, after taking laxatives. I slept for a little less than 5 hours, waking up at 4am. My body says it's tired, but my mind isn't.
My first job interview went alright, in my opinion. I go to the second one today. I can't even explain why I need a job so bad. I just do.
I briefly talked to my mom yesterday. I guess she is accusing me and my bf of stealing $500 from her bank account. Which is total bs but okay... her parting words to me were "You're dead to me, bitch." Which.... that shouldn't really bother me. But it does. My mom said it, and so has my dad in a sense. If both my parents, the two people who made me, hate me, then how terrible of a person could I be?
I tried not to let it hurt, but I cried for a while, feeling more pain than I should have. I know I can't let it go... it plays on repeat in my mind. I hate me, too.
November didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would. I ended up only being 1.8 lbs away from my goal. But to meet my December goal I would have to lose about 11 lbs. Guess I will see how possible that is. Wish me luck.
I guess I have one thing that came out of this that isn't totally shitty. Knowing my mom hates me as much as I hate me has given me motivation to starve. I will be skinnier than she ever was.
Ah J... I'm so sorry you think that way about what your parents have said. It has NOTHING to do with you being a terrible person. It instead reflects that they are terrible people! Don't let them mirror their issues on you - it's not your burden to carry. I know that you are a wonderful young lady! I am so glad that you have job interviews, I hope they turn out! Hang in there. We will both aim to lose 11 pounds by Christmas or by the end of December. XOXOXOXO!!!! Calla
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to think differently. But thank you for your mind words, and for your never ending support. It means a lot. Xx
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