Exercise!

I woke up earlyish this morning, and I thought that today was just gonna be another day that I would have nothing to do, but it didn't!!

I went to breakfast, and it was very nice. I didn't have an anxiety attack, and I was able to just eat. When I got home, I went back to walking 6 miles. So I've walked a total of 12 miles this weekend! It feels GREAT!!

Wednesday is so close. I am both excited for it and dreading it. But I'll have to see what happens. I've been doing so well this weekend, drinking 3 liters of water a day, walking 6 miles a day. It's great.

Now, it's time to go study. I hate weekends when I have to study. I can't wait until the 15th when I get 2 weeks of break from school. Then I have a break in December, and one in January when I go to Hawaii. Man, I am so excited!!!

Exercising isn't as horrible as I thought it would be. And this surprises me. I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog, but if anyone does and they have any exercises and tips to share, I'd love to hear them!! :D

Hope everyone had a good weekend, I know I did!

Zombie Crawl!

My Zombie Crawl dress before destroyed!

K and I's makeup

Zombie!

Batman!

At first, I thought these guys were fer real..

This was a man...

One last hope

The other day, I told one of my friends that never really knew about my ED. She pretty much told me that I should go talk to a counselor, here at my school. Because they might be able to listen. I pretty much outright told her: NO! I was scared to let her in, because she's an authoritative figure, she has the power to put me in a treatment facility, tell my family, something that I couldn't let happen.

So I went there yesterday, and basically told her what was going on, like everything, but not as if it was about me. I told her what was going on, but as if it was happening to my friend. And she listened, pretty much told me that I should watch out for her to be suicidal, because that could become a possibility. I am not suicidal, I just feel more resigned. Like I don't want anything to happen anymore. I just want to be okay. And she told me that there were some groups and things I could go to, that would be an option for me to talk to some people who are going through the same things as I am.

I wasn't too sure about that, and I sure as hell didn't want to tell her it was me that was going through all the problems. But when I went back today, something "Clicked" and I wanted to tell her that it was about me, and that I was the one who needed help. So I did. And she just said that she had pretty much guessed, that she wasn't expecting me to tell her, and that all she wanted to do was help me. My big issue was that I didn't want anyone else to know, so she basically said that unless it threatened the lives of me or others, nothing I said would be retold to anyone else. That made a huge difference, and we've decided that I'll go there to talk to her at least once a week, and that if I needed to, I could go there more than that, just to talk.

I'm not sure how I feel about that, because I've pretty much given up on any idea of help. I don't know if she can help me get better, if she can help me get over my ED. Can she? That's why I don't exactly want to go back, but I'll give it a try. I guess something in me isn't ready to give up. Something is continuing to fight. And that's not a bad thing. I just need to take it one day at a time, or one situation at a time. And I can do this. I have a year and a half, and if it's not better, then I'm going to have to accept that I can't do it on my own. That I might actually need help.

And I want to. I am ready. For what, I don't know. I still don't have as much hope, it still feels redundant, I'm still scared to talk to her, to let her in. But I've got the option to pull out and say no if needed. Which is something more than I had before, so it counts. All my friends here can fuck off, as far as supporting me in my recovery, because I no longer want them to help. They have proven that they don't give a fuck.

And then last night, it took A LOT of courage.... but I told Cimiron everything. Everything that's happened in the last few days. I told him about the role my friends played, the thoughts that went through my head, and pretty much everything I could think of, despite my embarrassment, and my shame. He just listened, and didn't judge. He didn't say anything either. He didn't try to tell me that it would be okay, that I could do this. he didn't say I had to do it on my own, or anything of the sort. And that was great, I think.

I had a meeting for Outdoor Lab today, got to meet the kids. And I have to say, that helped a lot with my anxiety over going. It still feels like a lot of responsibility, maybe more than I can handle. But for the first time since I signed up, I feel like I can do it. Like it's not impossible. And I have to admit, I might just be the least bit excited. Just a little. We have another meeting tomorrow about it, and then I leave on Monday, and I get back on Friday in the afternoon. It's going to be good, I think. Guess I'll find out. And I do really think that this will do me good, even if it's just giving me time to focus on other kids, not myself.

Now it's just time to catch up on a shit ton of homework, that I've been neglecting for the last 2 weeks. Plus, when I get back, I'm going to have a lot of make up work to do, but I know I can do it. I look forward to it. I can't wait to write all about it when I get back, if anyone's interested. Or maybe I'll just write about it because I want to. That's what I always do, isn't it? Things are starting to feel the slightest bit better again, even if it IS only temporary. It's better than nothing.

So that's what I'm going to hold onto. And head into tomorrow. (: I was given this life and these troubles because I AM strong enough to live it. Just gotta remember that. One day a time. I can do it. I will. I am me.

Today!

Today was great! Though weird.... Allow me to explain.
I only had 3 classes today which were Psych, Chem, and History.
In Psych, we got to watch a movie, in Chem, we got to do a lab, and then in History we did a worksheet but then got to leave early, as there was a party in which only upperclassmen. Yay for being a Junior!

I got some free food and I got to hang out with friends, and I got to leave school about an hour early, who could object?!? And since I don't have any homework, I have the night to just read and listen to music, go for a run, enjoy my life. And since it's almost Friday, I'm in a really good mood!

I haven't spent much time in my head today, which is great! And it was sunny outside, so I got to sit outside. I'm currently reading a wonderful book, but I forgot the name, so I can't say what it is. I love when I have a good book and it's nice outside and I can just sit there and read. Or if I have good music. I'm still looking for new music... if anyone has any suggestions. (:

Today is a wonderful and amazing day, and now I'm off to go for a run, eat some yogurt, and also to enjoy my night!

Meh! Happy days! ^_^

Had an amazing weekend!

So there's two major things I want to write here. In separate posts. This weekend was amazing!
There's a Harvest Festival going on in town right now, and the last two days i've gone. There's tons of food there, I actually tried Deep Fried Oreo's, and they are the best things ever!!! Ironically.
At the Festival, we played games, and we won some little prizes, but neither my friend nor I wanted them, so we ended up giving them to a little girl. She was so happy to be getting free prizes, and it made me feel good to make her smile. We rode a few rides, and it was so much fun! I'm sad that it's over, and that it won't be back till next year, but it was worth it to go this year! I made a pretty necklace, full of rainbow colors, and it's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself!
I got a jacket, it's fuzzy and super warm! So now in Winter, I can't ever be cold! Haha I was so happy! (:
I watched Scary Movie this morning, it was pretty funny, and yesterday I went driving with my best friend. She's actually not a bad driver, I was surprised! I can't wait till I get my permit, and then my license, if that ever happens. I'm not the kind of person that can learn it from a book, I have to actually do it. But that's backwards logic to everyone else! They don't wanna teach me till I know it!
I haven't had an entirely relaxing weekend, but i've enjoyed myself, and had a great time, so that counts for something, right?! Here's two pictures that made me smile!