I Promise

I'm still around.
I haven't been blogging much, because I honestly don't know what to say.

The battery in my scale died, so I can't weigh myself.
I finally got close to 40 hours on a pacheck so I can pay off my loans and get back on track.
I have quit smoking cigarettes, for the most part. Trying to stay at 1 a day.
I'm back in starving mode, I don't wanna eat at all and if I do I exercise ot off x2.
Still no progress with school.
Still no progress with my mood.

But I'm still here.

Falling Too Hard, Too Fast

I don't know why I woke up this way.
I can't identify what is triggering me.
But I want to pick up my blade.

I have ceased to make progress with everything. My life, school, my relationships with people.
Or at least that's what it feels like.

I cracked the screen of my phone yesterday, and I am beyond pissed. It doesn't look that bad, but it's the kind of break that keeps cracking more.

Money is a big stress for me. I need be responsible. I'm doing my best, but I always need to be better. There's just so many things to do 'right' and I'm scared I'll fail.

I feel skinny today, despite being on my period. But I don't deserve too feel skinny when I am so fat.
I honestly haven't got any idea what to do with myself. I just want to lay in bed and cry.
Depression it's so hard to deal with, And most of the time it doesn't feel real. I wish my boyfriend could understand that.
He has been telling me that my personal hygiene sucks, in several different ways. I know it does, too.
But I just can't make myself shower regularly, our brush my hair all the time, because..... just because. I feel like I am being crushed by a weight that won't let up, but I can't say anything or ask for help because there is nothing going on in my life to warrant these feelings.

I should be happy.
I should be.
But I'm not.
And I hate myself for it.

At least if I cut, then I can deal with my pain and sadness on my own. Nobody has to understand.

What A Day

My birthday was amazing.
I spent the morning with my best friend since my bf had to work, and she bought me a doughnut and stuck 19 candles in it. It was the most unique and creative thing. And it made me really happy.
She also gave me flowers, since she knows yellow is my favorite color.
Then I went dinner with my family, which was nice. I enjoyed myself. (:

Today I woke up with the intent to go see my brother in prison. However my alarm didn't go off, and I woke up right as I was supposed to be there. My best friend needed me to help her get to school, so i did that, got home only to leave again with my grandma to go shopping for my bday.
I got a shirt and a pair of pants. I can now fit into a 7, when I used to have to squeeze into a 15. It's kinda crazy.
Adter I went shopping I was in a rush to make it to prison, since I wanted to visit my brother. It ended up being an ordeal to get in there cuz they wouldn't let me wear the shirt I had on, nor were they gonna let me wear the shoes I had on. Neither were particularly special, but prison is very particular about how things are done. Oh, and in the middle of my visit with my brother, my monthly visitor decided to show up and I was so unprepared... ugh.
After I got in there, I had a good visit with my brother. But too soon I had to leave to go to work.

Work was... work. We weren't too busy because it was Valentine's Day.... but we had enough people. That was a really long ass shift, and I was so ready to go home. But I have to work from 10am to 2pm tomorrow, and I am so unexcited.

It's after midnight now, and I need to be sleeping. But for as tired as I am, I can't fucking sleep.
Which figures, right? Of. Course.

Today has been quite the day. I'm glad it's over, but tomorrow is gonna be just as crazy.
Aye.

Weigh In

4 days ago on February 8, I weighed 152.6...
4 days later, I weigh 150.6...
So thats a loss of 2 lbs in 4 days. But it still isn't enough.
I need to keep going. I need to be beautiful.

So, lucky me.
I get today and tomorrow off of work, although i have to work the rest of the week. I don't mind necessarily, because I need the money. But I'm so tired.
With that being said, two days ago I worked from 2pm-12:30am and then yesterday morning I worked from 7am-2pm. Didn't sleep mch last night, and now I am up at 5:30am on my day off. _-_

I need to weigh myself, but I am terrified that I will have gained weight. I already feel my BDD today, I don't want the scale to prove it.

I don't have any plans for today, nor do i really have any plans for tomorrow either. I am probably the only person ever who is that lame on their birthday. I don't even have money. I'm absolutely broke until I get paid in a week. #Adultlife

I want to cut so bad today... I woke up today and my bf said "yor breath makes me wanna throw up" and started coughing all crazy. I get so insecure when someone tells me I stink or my breath stinks, or anything.  I have tried brushing my teeth almost constantly, though it doesn't help.... apparently my breath still stinks. I did some research to try to find out WHY and all I got was that when you starve, your breath can stink because of your starving organs. I don't know... but it's all I have. Still. I want my blade.
How pathetic am I?

FatFATFAT!!

I weighed myself this morning, and I had lost over a pound.
I haven't yet eaten anything today, nor have I really let myself drink anything either.

I am starving and my body is hungry.
But all I see is fat. Fat covering everything. All I want to do is curl up in bed and hide from the world.
Hide my atrocious body from them, so as to not hurt their eyes.

I want to stop being fat.

So, I fucking suck.
Today's weigh in is 152.6...
At the beginning of January, I was 148.8, and in November I was 150.

FATTY MCFATTERSON

I wanted to be skinny for my birthday, 5 days away. It's so not gonna happen, and there is no goal that I can set that will make me happy. I'm just a whale. I always will be.

I have to work in less than an hour and a half and I am kinda freaking out.
I have really been craving Meth recently, and I actually don't even know what to do about it. It started at work yesterday, and has just kinda spiraled from there.

I ate when I got off work last night, but am hungry now and if I don't eat now I won't be able to eat until I get off work at 11. I think I should make today a fasting day....
My boyfriend is donating plasma right now, and he has been in there for a while. I am really fucking hoping he gets out aoon so he can give me a ride to work because I am kind of far away right now. But I just feel rushed for time, and not excited to go to work at all. I really want a minute to breathe... but I don't feel like I have it. I don't have to work tomorrow, but I should be doing school and aye.

I have been kind of slacking on school recently. I did some, and these past few days I haven't done shit. Usually when I get off work I am too tired to do anything other than go straight to bed.
I guess it doesn't help that my compuyer just randomly started crashing... and I haven't had the time to get it fixed either. This is exactly what I was afraid of, not having enough time for anything.
I really want a day off of everything. A few days actually. I guess it will be better when i get paid, because then at least I have money. But even then, I don't get to stop.
Hence why I wish I had some up..

It's 1:30pm now and I have no way of knowing when my bf will be coming back out from donating plasma.... so i don't know if I should call my grandpa to come get me, or if I should just wait. I really don't want to call my grandpa.... and I really don't want to go to fucking work!

Aye.

Untitled

I'm hanging out at my best friend's house right now, with her boyfriend, his roommate, and my boyfriend.
For lack of things to do, my boyfriend decided to go try to ride a long board since he has never tried. So we all went because I happen to enjoy it too. But they all took off on boads and I didnt have one. And they kept riding, while I was just standing on the edge of the parking lot. Eventually I started to feel like shit, like I was being left out. So I went back inside and when I came back out they were nowhere to be found. So I got kinda pissed... Eventually they all came back, and just in time to go leave to go pick up my best friend from work! They are talking about wanting to ride later, and after I brought it up to my boyfriend he invited me along.
But if I go, then my best friend will be left alone and I can't do that to her. I actually feel pretty childish. Like a little kid who can't play with the popular kids.
It's pathetic.
I'm pathetic.

I've fasted so far today, but now that I'm with my best friend, chances are she will get food and guilt me into eating. At least I can eat something low cal, AND I know I can burn it off. I didn't weigh today... but if I feel good enough, I will tomorrow.

Read All About It

I haven't posted much since the new year...

I started working at a restaurant recently, like within the last two weeks. At first the restaurant wasn't open, so it was just training. But then we had our grand opening and I expected it to be crazy, given the amount of people in my area who were excited for it to open.
There were a lot of people who showed up on the opening day, but overall it wasn't too crazy.
Since then I have been working about 40 hours a week, and I hope it stays that way. I need the money, at least for a month. Then they can cut my hours down.

I start school tomorrow too, so I have been prepping for that. I am going to try to finish the online course as soon as I can so I can register for the second course I need. After that, I will have my high school diploma, and I can go to college.

I feel super over sensitive, when it comes to my personal issues. It's like I want someone to tell me that things are getting bad, or to see it getting bad. Rather than me having to ask for help and explaining that it's gotten bad.
I want to be validated.
I was talking to a friend and mentioned the restaurant that I worked at. I mentioned that they had good food, and they inquired about my ED. I said it wasn't too bad, and this "friend" said "I'm glad it's not as bad as you were making it out to be at one point".... and I understand where he is coming from, but fuck. It is so triggering.
My ED is worse now than it was then, because I am a lot more deceptive now. I hide a lot more of my destructive habits now from those that wouldn't understand. I am self destructing in my own hell, and nobody can see it.

I am far from skinny though. I swear to fucking god, that is the only thing that will prove that I am not okay. The only way to ask for help is with my body. I guess I have to be in enough pain that it shows on the outside in order for me to get help.

There's this song called "Read All About It" by Emeli Sande and I just discovered this song today... but I have been listening to it on repeat for the entire morning. I love the lyrics.. and the melody of the song. This is where I originally found the song, but here are the lyrics.

I have also been reading a book called Tilt by Ellen Hopkins. She has written a number of books, and if you have never heard of her, I would suggest you check them out. They are amazing books.

Anyways, that's my update of the day. Ha. Not that it matters.

"What if I was nothing?"

There's a song that I found a while ago, and it only just started making me think. The song is called "What If I Was Nothing" by All That Remains.

Some of the lyrics are:
"And if you're thinking I might, might be led astray,
Just remember this one question

What if I was nothing? What if this is true?
What if I was nothing, nothing without you?
So what if I was angry, what did you think I'd do?
I told you that I love you, I'm nothing without you."

This song makes me think of my boyfriend in so many ways. Aside from the obvious expression of love that the lyrics portray, I feel like this pertains to me especially.

I started this blog on Sunday, June 24, 2012. That's almost 3 years ago. When I started this blog, I don't know what I meant it to be. I wanted a place to write my thoughts, and I had found a girl who was the author of a blog about Anorexia. I felt someone I could relate to, and her posts were kind of what inspired me to start my own. I wanted to have my own little "corner" of the internet to rant and express myself in whatever way. I wanted to find other people like me that I could relate to so that I didn't feel so alone.

Six days later I began blogging as way to get my thoughts out.

AUGUST 2012
I started this blog when I was dating C, my now ex boyfriend. We were together for 3 years in the long run, but I began this blog after my dad kicked me out for the first time and told me not to come back for a few weeks. I thought I was fine with that, it didn't really mean much to me. For the first while I tried to recover a bit, but I didn't really give it all my effort. I didn't really want to recover. I started my Junior year in high school, and was pretty optimistic.

SEPTEMBER 2012
I went to outdoor lab, where I got caught in my ED and had to lie my way out of that. I wasn't that bad in my ED though, I wish I could have seen that. I was struggling more though, because I was binging and purging at this time. I was still clashing with my dad, and still not living with him, though I was only 17 at the time.

OCTOBER 2012
I don't really have much to say about this month... I didn't do much, and wasn't in the best state of mind.

NOVEMBER 2012
I was feeling distant from my family, not really able to tell them anything. Not able to ask for their help or share most of the things that excited me with them because they were so negative about it. I lost my best friend this month too. That was a huge thing for me and I spent a while feeling really angry and confused about it. I tried talking to a counselor in my school to get help with my self harm and ED, which ultimately failed in time. My grandparents tried to get me to go see an outside therapist for eight weeks, and that was also a failure. A waste of time. I started losing my grace in school and my grades started slipping but were still okay. I started losing contact with my then boyfriend, C, after being with him for 2 years.

DECEMBER 2012
I tried to OD.

JANUARY 2013
I went to Hawaii with my dad, but it wasn't a very good trip because my ED ruined it. I broke up with my boyfriend during this time as well. That was difficult but something I am glad I did. My depression kicked in a little more.

FEBRUARY 2013
I began fasting more and more, but not taking interest in anything outside of my ED. I was still dealing with the aftereffects from my OD. I competed with color guard, trying to hide as much of my ED symptoms as possible. I had some pretty intense mood swings during this month. Like going from cloud nine to wanting to die. They were hard for me to deal with.

MARCH 2013
I was struggling a lot during this time with thoughts of suicide, and at one point I had set a date to kill myself (April 1, 2013) because it would have been April Fools Day and that would have been a statement. A friend of mine named A tried to help me, though I pushed her away too. I was just very depressed during this month as well as April.

MAY 2013
I noticed how much damage I had let my ED do to me in school and in my personal relationships, but I really didn't care. I knew I was spiraling downward, but I just didn't give a fuck.

JUNE 2013
I got my mom back in my life, and I was so happy for that. I was working to make things better with her, so that when I turned 18 I could have something to show for it. My dad knew about my self harm though he never really tried to help or stop me. My grandparents knew too, but unfortunately that made me only want to do it more. I fell more and more into my ED during this month, I believe.

AUGUST 2013
My dad kicked me out again and I spent a few weeks couch hopping because I didn't have a stable place to stay. My school caught on to the fact that I was cutting and searched me. It was a whole ordeal. They called my family and my dad told people who didn't need to know. It caused a huge wave of anger in my house. I was still pretty depressed and suicidal during this month too, because I wasn't even trying to fight it. I just didn't give a fuck. I also started getting flashbacks from my sexual abuse this month, which made everything that much harder. Up until this point, I didn't remember it.

SEPTEMBER 2013
During this month, I started teaming up with my ED and giving into SH which is what helped me get through it. But I was coping in very unhealthy ways and wasn't really working towards anything, I was letting everything fall apart.

OCTOBER 2013
I was doing better this month, or at least fooling myself along with everyone else.

NOVEMBER 2013
School became a major stress for me, and I struggled to find structure with my everyday life. I basically just existed for this month, rather than living. Thanksgiving was especially hard for me, and I was creating a lot of conflict with my family. I started getting flashbacks about my sexual abuse though, and up until this point I had had absolutely no idea.

DECEMBER 2013
December was especially hard. I put one last ditch effort into school, which turned out not to do any good. I realized the actual pattern of why my grades were starting to slip and I felt like I had nobody to turn to. Everything was slipping through my fingers. I was also doing a lot of self sabotaging during this month... More to speculate about later?

JANUARY 2014
I was pretty depressed in January, keeping to myself, not wanting to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I just wanted to be left alone, and I didn't want to reach out to anyone to help me get out of that rainstorm. I felt particular anxiety because certain people were aware that I blogged, and felt the need to read my blog. I felt like that took away my safe haven a little bit. During this month I struggled to connect to people, to feel like I was a part of my life.

FEBRUARY 2014
I wanted someone to reach out to me, to care enough to get past all the weak defenses I put up. But it was hard to find someone like that, and I spent this month and the next few feeling isolated and alone. Though it was all of my own doing, it was still difficult and I struggled a lot just to find a reason to keep trying.

MARCH 2014
During this month I broke up with C. Though it was a good decision, it was a hard decision for me, because I didn't want to be alone again. But I am glad I did, because we both deserved the opportunity to do better. My ED dominated my life for this month pretty much, it was a cycle of drugs, laxies, starving, and sleeping. It wasn't a good place to be, and I didn't really do or accomplish anything during this month. I was basically existing, not living.

APRIL 2014
During March and April, I wasn't really in a good headspace. I was trying to destroy my life. Getting into using meth, using my body to feel instead of think through sex and self harm, starving and trying to keep everything together and numb myself from realizing just what I fucked up.

MAY 2014
This is the month that I should have graduated school, but I dropped out instead. I pushed my family away and wouldn't let them see that I was hurting. Everyone couldn't understand why I dropped out of school, and I wasn't about to tell them. I was trying to get a full time job during this time but lacking motivation, and lacking the care to stop ruining my own life. I was taking pleasure in causing myself pain and taking away everything that made me happy.

JUNE 2014
I met my boyfriend during this month. Friday the 13th, actually. Everyone considers this a bad day, but in reality it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

After I met my boyfriend, I stopped doing Meth, I stopped self harming as much as I was, and I found something to work towards.
I guess what I am getting at here is that, before I met my boyfriend I really was nothing. I had nowhere to go, wasn't doing well in my life, and I was just heading downwards. He caused me to realize what I had and what I was doing. He has made me want to be a better person, and though we have our issues, I am so thankful for him.
I don't know where I would be right now if he hadn't stepped in and given me a light to see by.
Now every time I hear that song, this is what I think of. I hope it never changes.

Happy New Year

It wasn't a bad night for me at all, although I didn't get to watch the ball drop.

But now it is 2015. A new year.
Last year on January 1, I weighed 167.5lbs. Today, on January 1, I weigh 148.8lbs.

I know I lost more than this initially this year, but ten I gained a little back. So I stand at a total of 18.7lbs lost last year. Not bad, since it is getting harder and harder to lose weight.

My goal by my birthday was 123lbs. I don't think I can get there.
But I will get as close as possible. 44 days.
I would love to not be fat on my birthday.

I think I am also gonna set up a system where I fast as many hours of the week as I can, recording when I fast and when I eat. Then, at the end of the week, I total up my hours spent fasting, and kind of grade myself on it.
Not sure if this will work, but it is a way to keep myself accountable.

Anyways, that's my update.

Christmas wasn't too much of a crash and burn scenario. Ate a decent amount, didn't gain too much.
Since Christmas
Everything sucks.

My boyfriend and are fighting more, more things keep crashing down on me.
I cut, I burn, and I starve.
But none of it matters.
I want to get away from here.
I don't even know if I give a fuck anymore.

I am a punching bag. Step right up and make your best shot. That's all I am good for.

Had a job interview today and my bf left without me.
My mom hurled terrible words at me where it hurt most.
None of my friends are around. They all have jobs and lives and no time for me.

So I sit in this house and let all the terrible words and deadly thoughts run rampant inside of me
Until it becomes too much and I pick up a blade.

Too low

Why do I have to look so fine on the outside?
Why can't I tell my boyfriend that I feel so bad I can barely get out bed? Why is it so hard for me to ask for his help, his love, his support?
Why can't I tell him how I feel?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why can't I just let myself cry,
Scream, hit, until the storm inside of me has passed?
Why can't it be that easy?

Instead I bottle it up and hold it in and put a smile on my face and tell myself
I
Am
Fine

I have no idea what my weight is, but I know I am gaining. My boyfriend's dad told me I looked pregnant the other day, and he also told my boyfriend that he could find someone better than a lazy psycho cutter. I can't forget it, no matter how many times my boyfriend calls me beautiful.
It makes me want to cry just thinking about it, and every time I even so much as glance at my body I want to cut.
I hate that I have lost all control.

I hate that Christmas is this week and the guilt is killing me. I don't deserve to attend it, but I see no other way. I don't know how I am gonna deal....
Because these days it just seems like one disappointment after another.
Mainly because of me.
Because I am as worthless as I feel.
Often enough I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up.

Things aren't improving because I am doing nothing and that fact makes me hate myself more but everything feels so impossible.... so I just hate myself. I am a waste of space, of life.

And I hate
Every
Single
Thing
About
Myself.

And its never gonna change.

Ugh

I guess a lot happened yesterday, and it has changed how everything is.

** A little backstory. Over the past couple weeks, things have gone missing. Change, a credit card, weed, and now cigarettes. However, my boyfriend admitted guilt to it, and apologized and has seriously been trying to make right since then.... I get that we fucked up, but it's the fact that my boyfriend is trying to right the wrong because he is genuinely sorry for what he did.

Yesterday morning, I was woken up by my brother's loud music. When I tried to explain I was still sleeping, he basically said that he doesn't give a fuck and shut his door. That's kind of where it started. Then about an hour later, I asked him if I could buy a filter from him. Granted, we did jack his cigarettes and he has a reason to be angry.... but Damn. Basically my brother said no and I went outside with my bf.
A few minutes later my brother's girlfriend opened the back door and started yelling things like
How dare I ask her for a cigarette
Who did I think I was
I am a fucking thief
Etc
I told her to lower her voice because the neighbors didn't need to hear our business and she got bitchy. We went back downstairs to chill for a minute and breathe and my brother came up to my door and asked my bf if he wanted to go to jail. When my bf said no, my brother said that he needed to get out of his grandparents house because he was coming back with the police. That started an argument and my brother's girlfriend had to put her two cents in.
"How can you love someone who steals from your family?"
That's one of the things she said to me, and when I told her to shut up my brother got all defensive saying that I don't tell his girlfriend to shut up and this, that, and the other. Then my brother threatened to hit me if I didn't shut up and when I told him to do it, he just left. My grandma stepped in trying to mediate, and it's quite funny that she thinks she can stop my brother. She can't. So my boyfriend went out to his car and was sitting there and I guess my brother came out and told him to leave, acting like a thug wanna be gangster like he is.
I was inside talking to my grandparents when that went down, and they were trying to figure out the truth of the situation as well as calm it down. They started asking me a bunch of questions about my bf and whether I really wanted to be with him or not. Of course I do.
I was explaining the truth her and then went leave and when I saw that my bf's car wasn't outside anymore I started crying and slammed the front door. My grandma stood up trying to give me a hug, and I screamed at her not to touch me, look at me, care about me, acknowledge me.... none of it. My grandma looked at me in such a way.... like I broke her heart. Well, she broke mine like a bull in a china shop.

After that my boyfriend and I left, only coming back to pack a few things. I ended up staying with a childhood friend of mine way down South so that I didn't have to go home. That was a big mistake. My best friend came with me, and she fell asleep right away, whereas my bf and I couldn't sleep. We basically sat in his car all night and it's now going on 20 hours since I last slept. I just didn't feel too safe in her house, and neither did my bf. Something about it, I guess.

If the environment at my grandparents proves to be impossible, I am either spending the winter sleeping in my boyfriend's car, or both of us are moving to Missouri. One or the other.
My brother has also been posting things on Facebook about this whole situation, and my mom decided to chip in. When I basically told her to shut the fuck up, she deleted my comment. So in ways it feels like there is no way of conning back from this, not if I stay with my boyfriend.

My family doesn't think I should move out of state, but honestly it's beginning to feel like I have no choice. I can't stay here.
I thought your family was supposed to stick by you no matter what. Obviously I was wrong, because my boyfriend of 6 months and my best friend of 8 years have stuck by me more than my family ever has.
It's fucked up.

So that's pretty much all of the drama fest at my house. I guess I should try to get some sleep... as much as you can when it's 16 degrees outside. Today continues the drama saga... stay tuned.

Confessions?

Well. I don't really have much that's important to say. I am a lazy piece of shit. As usual.

Yesterday I applied for one job, and found out that they have open interviews on Tuesday.. So I go Tuesday at 2. Hoping that it turns into something.
My weight fucking sucks. I was back at 146, but then somehow I fucked it all up. My goal for this month was supposed to be 138. But unless I straight out starve until Christmas, there's no way I will make it. I haven't had a bm recently either, so I know that's part of the reason that my weight is up... But it still doesn't take away the anxiety.
I'm gonna take a bunch of laxatives today and weigh in the morning, and then tomorrow I am going to take laxatives as well and hopefully my weight will go back down.
I have really started to suck at fasting. I need to get back on track.

Since I haven't cut in a long time, I think that's why I was holding in that anger so much and taking it out on my boyfriend and my family. So yesterday, while my boyfriend wasn't around, I found a blade. I made a few shallow cuts on my hip, and then on my other hip I burned. Immediately I felt better. It's still lasted today, and I have actually been able to be decent to my family.
However, my boyfriend still doesn't know. I won't be telling him either, and I am intending to do whatever necessary to hide it. I don't want him to stop me, not now that I know it helps me not to be so hostile to my family.... there is no stopping me.

Another thing that I have no interest in doing is spending Christmas with my family. I know that you are supposed to, and I know that it will raise a lot of hell if I don't go. But I can't. It isn't even Christmas yet and I am starting to panic. Because I still don't have a job, and everyone else will be trying to give me gifts. I can't give them back, and it is fucking killing my mental state. So somehow I am going to get out of that, and though I know I shouldn't, this will be the first year that I haven't spent Christmas with my family.
There's always time for firsts, right?

My boyfriend doesn't see that I am heading down a dark path. I haven't seen substantial weight loss in the longest time.... and right now I am really fighting the urge to get a hold of meth again... simply because I can lose weight on it.
I don't even give a fuck about the damage that I would be doing to my body. None of it matters anymore.
I am going to go so far down, and my body will look on the outside how I feel on the inside.
No more of this half assedness. I am in full swing now, on par with my ED. I am giving it control, and no longer fighting for it. Nothing else matters.

And... that's where my crazy stops. Merry Christmas!

What Is It Worth?

I never feel like I have enough time. But how can someone have "enough" time? What is time?
Sometimes I feel like I can't even grasp the concept of time.
Most of the time I can't hardly realize when a day has ended or when it just beginning, because my days are one. I stay up past midnight and sleep when the world gets to be too much... and the days just blur together.

But there is no limit telling me when things have to be done.
When I should accomplish certain goals by.
There is no limit unless it's one that I personally impose.

So why do I feel like I am running out of time to go to school?
Why do I feel like every relationship I have in my life is on a time schedule that will eventually expire?
Why is it hard to feel the time passing, and know that with ever hour that I refuse food my body is getting smaller?
Why is it so hard to grasp these things?

Logically, I know the answers to these questions.
But I have grown tired of logic.
I want to feel these things happening.
I want to feel like I am accomplishing something by skipping dinner, and breakfast, and most of lunch.
I want to feel like there is a reason to my madness, and not that I am just wasting my life.

We base everything in our lives around time. Even I do it myself. But what if there was no time beyond the sun rising and setting? Would it only create more chaos in an already chaotic world, or would it slow everything down and let me take an actual breath for once. To breathe just to breathe, rather than knowing that I can take a breath now, but only for that moment. Because then after that one moment of peace, it's back to the chaos that is trying to "time" everything.

Time is a number, though.
Numbers rule my life.
Waiting for the next three hours until my boyfriend comes home.
Waiting until the sun risies to begin searching again.
Waiting until the sun sets to sleep.

That's all I do. I wait for this or for that. But even when I am technically in motion, it's hard to feel like I am making use of the time that I have versus wasting it.
How would you define wasting time anyways?
Because to one person something might be a waste of time,
but to the next it's all they want to do in that moment.

I can feel the time passing with every new day. With every new month, and soon to be with the new year. But it's nearly impossible to escape this feeling that I am doing nothing with the little time I am allowed to have. What am I accomplishing?
I often wonder if it would be better if you could borrow time. If we could pass off some of our time to someone who doesn't have as much. I would give all of my time to anyone who needed it, because they would definitely have a better use for my time than the nothing that I am using it for.
It's nearly been an entire year since I became an "adult". When you look at the big picture, a year is nothing. But when you break it down and look at just that one year, with all 12 months, it actually turns into a lot of time. So what have I done with that time? Honestly.. nothing important. Nothing that I can remember and feel proud of.
I basically waste my time, all the time.

I waste my time hating the body that I have to drag around until I breathe my last breath.
I waste my time starving, cutting, and abusing my body for what it is because it isn't what I want.
I waste my time thinking about all these numbers that have so much control over my life, when nobody else seems to see it.

But in that moment, it doesn't feel like wasting it. It doesn't feel like I am standing still, going nowhere while the rest of the world around me continues to live and move and breathe.
It doesn't feel like it, but that is exactly how it is. A year is plenty of time to accomplish great things! But when I look back over the last 5 years of my life.... I started to use my time to the best of my ability, but then things got in the way and I just... stopped.
I stopped moving forward, I stopped caring, and I started moving backwards.
I stopped trying to reach a goal, and instead threw caution and logic to the wind and simply started existing.

So I guess my question is, what is it worth, this "time" that we are all so obsessed with?
It is worth it to live by the rules of time that we have come to know, or would it be better to live without thinking about time. Without it being a constant element in our lives?
And even, what would life be like without living by a clock? By preset time schedules and plans?

Just some random thoughts. Xx

You're No Good For Me

This morning, before I even had a chance to wake up, my grandma had words to say.
When I left to run some errands, it took until my boyfriend had to go to work. I went back outside to say goodbye and as soon as I stepped in the front door, she mentioned calling someone about going back to school.

It isn't good enough for her. It never is.
I received another rejection email today for a job... They don't want to hire me either.
My grandma thinks it has to do with my attitude, but it doesn't. No matter how upset I am at home, I still try to go in there with a smile and make them see the best side of me I have to offer. But it's not good enough.

I tried explaining to my grandma that I have so much to deal with right now, and it's pretty fucking overwhelming. She doesn't understand. I feel like she ALWAYS has to shit on my parade. When my boyfriend got paid yesterday, we paid of half of one of the two loans we had. Now we only owe about $270 instead of $460. I was excited about that, until my grandma said that I wasn't giving enough effort to other things in my life and made it seem like nothing.
Today, I went to buy a vape pen, so that my boyfriend and I could stop smoking cigarettes - another positive step. But my grandma didn't see that. She only said how she doesn't like vape pens and that if I wanted to quit I should just use Nicorette gum because it doesn't cost "So much money". Again, no excitement that I am actually trying to quit cigarettes. Only negativity.

It's impossible to be happy around her. I try not to, actually.
She started in with the threats again today that if I can't find a job then she is gonna have to kick me out. Not that it matters that I have been putting in applications, and that I had interviews, and that I might just get straight out fucking discouraged for all the rejection that I have been through.

I haven't cut in a long time, almost 5 months. However, today was the exception to that. I wasn't able to control myself, and fight the desire to self harm. So I burned. If I hadn't of fought so much with my grandma, I think I would have been able to avoid it. But fighting with her was a trigger, it still is.

My boyfriend thinks that I am a child. He gets really angry with me when I am a bitch to my grandma, but I mean... He needs to love me for everything I am. Not to mention the fact that my family already doesn't like him. My dad is convinced that A is stealing money from him, and I can only defend him so much.  I have defended him, but what it really comes down to... is that if he is willing to do dirty things to people who deserve it, then where is the line drawn? I may not be able to admit to my wrongs right now, but if he can wrong someone else, what is to stop him from doing it to me? I understand where my dad is coming from, but I don't want to give him up. I need him... because if I had to do all of this alone, I would seriously lose my shit.
But am I willing to turn a blind eye to the carnage, in the name of love?
Am I willing to pretend I don't see it, to keep what I want without letting go?
Yes.
I know I will get hurt. I know it. But I can't break up with him. I need him. I love him. Somehow this all has to work out. Somehow we have to be okay.

I am trying to fight my depression, and not let it drag me under. I don't think my grandma understands depression, in that it isn't like being sad. It's a crippling version of that. Where I can't think straight. Where I can't find reasons to eat, to remember to breathe.
I have to fight with my ED. So that I can starve slowly, and maybe slow the inevitable death that is coming for me. I have to fight myself, because I am as much a part of my ED as it is a disease.
She doesn't know about it though, and I know there is no way in hell that I am going to out myself in that way to my family. That's something they just can't know about, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. That it isn't a struggle.
I am trying to pay off these loans so that they are no longer a weight on my back. So that I don't have obligations to pay a certain amount of money to certain people at certain times of the month. But my grandparents wouldn't be able to understand why I took the loans out in the first place, and why I did what I did. They would only consider it another mistake and say that if I wasn't with A I would never have done that. They would blame him, and it isn't fair to leave all that to him. So is it really too wrong for me to want to right these things before I jump back into school?
That would just add more stress, and as it is I feel like I am mentally fragile. I feel like I can't handle all of this, but I don't know how to rely on anyone else.


Should I even be with my boyfriend? Does he deserve someone better? Maybe I am too young for him, and maybe I am wasting his time. Maybe he should find someone better, but I am selfish enough to keep him around, even if it isn't the best thing for us both.
I'm afraid that something will happen in my relationship and I will end up on my own again. I don't want to be on my own, as pathetic as that is. It is just a little bit easier to have my boyfriend there, someone who loves me despite all of the things that I hate about myself. He brings me sunshine when I don't think I have any, and I couldn't imagine him being taken away from me. But somehow, he will be.

Eventually, all of my inadequacy will catch up to me and he will realize what he could be doing rather than being with me.... and he will go.
Oh god, how I fear that day.

Anyways, I am not sure how much sense this makes.... I guess it's just to go take a shit ton of laxatives, go smoke my vape pen and maybe a bowl, and sleep. I don't deserve the rest of today.

High Way To Hell

I'm not sure how sleeping is gonna go. What am I doing with my life?
Where am I going?

I drank too much liquid, and though I know it's liquid and I have already taken laxies... mentally I am panicking..
I'm fat. Fatty Mc Fat Ass. I feel like I can't breathe easy.
I need to cut. I need to know that this isn't all in my head. I need to feel as fucked up on the outside as I am on the inside.

I don't belong in this bed.
I don't deserve these pillows, this blanket.
I don't deserve be full.
I miss the cuts that used to cover my arms.
Burning just doesn't cut it.
Hah.
That's punny.

I am a failure for being fat. For eating, when it wasn't necessary. I want to take all the laxatives I have. I wish I had sleeping pills.
I kind of feel like I did when I was on Meth. Jittery, full, and numb.
As terrible as I know it is, I miss it. I wish I could go back to doing it. I was never addicted. It never had a chance to effect me negatively. But it had a lot of upsides. I miss not sleeping. I miss not feeling hungry. Not having to panic at the thought of digesting food. I will probably burn in hell for this. But I just don't care. I have yet to find a similar drug, and as much as I don't like drugs, I liked that one.

Will I ever go back?

Mmm

Another day, come and gone.
My second interview went okay... now I just have to wait to hear from someone. I hope it goes well.

I ate too much today. Way too much. But I took laxies. So I guess I wait and see, and do more damage control tomorrow if necessary. I will NOT start fucking December up already.

I managed to fall back asleep for a little bit longer this morning, after I smoked a bowl. But I am still tired and ready for bed and it's barely 9pm. Taking laxatives takes it's toll on me with the nausea. I guess I need to rebuild my tolerance to them.

My boyfriend got sent home from work today, and he's called in a few other days as well. I'm starting to worry that we won't have enough money at the end of the week to be okay.
We HAVE to pay a $360 loan, in full.
He needs to pay a $450 ticket so he can avoid jail.
I need to balance out my bank account and keep it that way.
Is it all possible?
We were gonna buy an e-cig so we could save money and quit smoking cigarettes. These things all seem necessary, but I have to remind myself that it can't all happen at once, especially since I still don't have a job. We aren't even sure how much his check is gonna be, and he needs gas get to work until the next paycheck.

It's all so overwhelming. The urge to self harm and the self harm thoughts are becoming more frequent. They flash through my head at least 20 times a day. But I have to keep it in check.
I have to remember to breathe.

These laxies should kick in about 2am, so maybe I should try to get some sleep. *sigh*