I sat in my room last night, crying. I couldn't stop, and it felt so good. When I got home last night, I was angry. Just angry. I was shaking, and I wanted to destroy everything in my room, and myself. Everything around me. I wanted it to reflect how I feel inside.
Unfortunately, I couldn't do that. So I tried everything else. Writing, reading, singing, dancing, listening to music, and everything else that normally helps. I couldn't go for a run, as it was so dark already. All of my suicidal thoughts started flooding in, and I started feeling trapped. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone. I wanted to talk to Cimiron, but I couldn't. It was too late his time. I got to thinking.
He is what is holding me up, and I rely on him. He makes me smile, he is my reason to keep fighting. He means the most to me. But what happens when we break up? When I fall? What will I do then? I hate that I put so much pressure on him because of this. I don't want him to feel like he has to stay with me, otherwise I might make another suicide attempt. No. That is not how it is. He was really sweet when I told him about it, and he listened. It was amazing. But one can only deal with so much crap before they reach their limit, and I'm afraid for him to reach his.
So then I started writing. On my mirror, because I could erase it, and nobody would be the wiser. Nobody would know how I felt... and then earlier today... I thought that maybe writing about it would help. Plus, if I ever get out of this, I can look back on it, and see how I once felt. This is proof that it wasn't all in my head... I can't be strong anymore..
I don't want to be.
I don't know how to keep trying.
I just don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know,
I don't know.
I don't know.
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| I can only smile and pretend I'm okay for so long. |
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| I ask myself this every day. |
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| This is what runs thorough my head 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I am all of those things, if not more. It never really changes, and I don't expect it too. But I just wish it wouldn't hurt so much. |
This post you have written has really touched me. This is how I feel most of the time and the things in my head. Thank you for showing the world the pain we go through and highlighting the reality. Thank you :) xx
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that it could touch you. I remember when I first started this blog, I didn't expect anyone to read it, or to follow it. Now people like you do, and it amazes me. You are amazing. Thank you. Xx
DeleteI can relate to this so much, I've been feeling exactly the same recently. And we're all here for you, we can work through it together. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's helped me realise that I'm not alone :) xx
ReplyDeleteI'm glad.You aren't alone. I'm always here if you need to talk, even if it seems like I can't help much. I still would try. Xx
DeleteGosh sweetie, this breaks my heart. I really want to come down and see you. To hold you in my arms and tell you that I would care if you were gone. We've become so close and I don't want to lose you. You are beautiful inside and out to me. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I don't feel beautiful, but if other people can see it, then maybe I haven't completely lost myself. I really want to see you too. Let's hope that Tuesday works out. It would be amazing. Xx Take care, Katie. Xx
Deleteplease don't. Don't hurt so much. its all I can ask you to do. Don't. You are worth it. You are worth recovery. this brought tears to my eyes because...I can't tell you how many times I've felt this. how many time i've felt like screaming all those things out just for someone to hear. But please love, call him next time you feel this way. Email me. call me whatever the time maybe. 0046767582724. or just msg me and i'll call you as soon as i can.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to find the bright side, to not hurt so much. But I don't want recovery. I am far from it. That's the truth. I keep saying, "Not yet".. But I just don't want it. Maybe my mind will change later, but for now, I don't want it.
DeleteI'm so glad to realize that I am not alone. That I have people who can understand. Like you. Xx
Thank you. This meant a lot to me, and I will take your advice. Thank you. Xxx
You are such a beautiful person. I love the way you write, I think you are beautiful inside and out. I will continue to be here as a source of support through your journey with your ed. Lots of love.
ReplyDeletexx
Thank you. Xx
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