I am me.

I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.

But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.

My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.

This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Not healthy, but happy.

For once.

So... Today was really good. It was my last day of freedom before I go back to school tomorrow. I hung out with Katie and it was so nice!! I swear, we should do it again. [;

Then I have 13 days before I go to Hawaii!!! I am beyond excited!!!
We're hiking to a bunch of volcanoes, and I'll have no way to control my food intake while I'm there.
That thought creates a lot of anxiety, but maybe if I control my portions, I can burn more than I eat.

I will have no way to weigh myself when I am there... so that's 2 full weeks of not knowing. Fuck.
I will try though, and I swear, I'm weighing myself as soon as I get back.
I just have to try to be okay with this... Somehow.

I have no weight update today, I ended up not being able to weigh and measure, once again. But tomorrow, I for sure will. I also go to pick up laxatives. There's a chance I might be able to get them, and I'm excited for that. Just for the chance to lose more weight, because I need to.
I swear, I'm putting too much hope into this. I am so scared to fall.
But that isn't going to stop me. I guess I will just try it and see what happens.

Last night, once again I SH. I never SH there. I don't know why I did it on my wrist. I really don't. Bu now I'm all paranoid that someone will see it. It's kinda noticeable, and too far up for bracelets to cover. I don't wear make-up, so foundation coverage is out.
Any one have any ideas?
I also need some diet tips. Just simple ones. Preferably ones that don't need other things.
If anyone is interested in sharing some, comment below. But I don't entirely expect to get any comments about this one. At least not helpful ones.

I need to say something straight up. I do not want recovery. I do not want to stop indulging in behaviors, or be healthy. I will get to a healthy weight, but for now, it's gonna be unhealthy. So you might as well stop telling me to do it the healthy way. I don't want to.

So I guess that's that.
I am so not looking forward to school tomorrow. I like my break. I don't wanna go back to waking up at 6 am or earlier, and having homework. I'm starting to dread color guard practices, just because they take so long. But I love the exercise.
On the bright side, I can start again, brand new, and do amazing at school. I need to get my 4.0 back. I know, I'm such a nerd. But I am me! (:
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6 comments:

  1. Katie ElizabethJanuary 8, 2013 at 7:01 PM

    I had such a wonderful day with you sweetie. I think you should give the HSGD a try again. I think if you really put your mind to it, you can do it. It's ok to not want recovery right now. You'll get it when you're ready. Lots of love dear.
    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J (:January 9, 2013 at 7:26 AM

      I might try SGD. Just because. But I will start it after I get back from Hawaii.
      Thank you for understanding. Gosh, you're so nice to talk to. Xxx

      Delete
  2. Stephanie N.January 9, 2013 at 12:25 AM

    So nice to hear you had a good day. I'm quite jealous of Katie that she gets to hang out with you and I don't.

    Diet tips:
    -gum, sugar-free hard candies
    -brush your teeth after you eat or when you feel like you're going to eat but you don't want to. I can't eat for hours after I brush my teeth cuz the minty taste mixed with food bothers me so much. Or just say you brushed your teeth when someone offers you food
    -caffeine suppresses appetite
    -keep your hands busy. Crafts and video games (like Tetris) are good for this
    -keep your mind busy. Cleaning and organizing are good for this

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J (:January 9, 2013 at 7:29 AM

      I will so venture my way upwards and come visit you sometime. Maybe I can do it on my graduation trip, I'm gonna be up there anyways!! But that's still 1 1/2 years away... :(
      Brushing my teeth when I feel like eating, that's a good one. And caffeine. I will so start with that. Thanks so much!! ^_^
      This really helped, i'll give it a shot! (: How are you doing?

      Delete
  3. UnknownJanuary 9, 2013 at 8:40 AM

    Also, have you tried chewing gum or drinking tea instead when you are feeling hungry? I do that sometimes just to give myself something to do. I'm glad you had a wonderful day.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J (:January 9, 2013 at 10:39 AM

      I do, but sometimes it makes me sick, and not in the "Yay I can't eat" way. I will definitely start back up with the gum. It might help. Thanks!

      Delete

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