My dad is out of work.
Our house got broken into.
My dad got frauded for a condo in Hawaii, we leave in 4 days. He is having trouble finding another place.
School is falling apart, and I can't seem to keep up on my studies between school and guard.
I don't even want to be in color guard. But I can't quit. She said that we weren't allowed.
I wish I had never joined.
Maybe once we start competing, it won't be so bad.
I try to fast, to get some control, and shit happens where I get forced to eat. I have no power over my food intake, or what the hell I'm eating. This is why i got really suicidal, or have been. Depends on how you look at it. I have no control, over anything. I feel like i can't put one foot on solid ground, and like I am just falling, and that I don't know where I'll end up. I feel so overwhelmed, and angry. So I end up gaining weight. My ultimate hate. That makes me SH, take laxatives, and fall apart.
I thought I was stronger than this.
With my dad's money troubles, I have always felt that when he is having problems, I get sucked into it. One way or another. I feel bad for him. Something similar to pity, but not quite it. I don't like it. I would rather feel hatred or anger. I can deal with those emotions, but not these ones. I feel like I'm a burden to him, to everyone around me. And it seems like nothing anyone else says can change how I feel.
I realize how much I am like my dad.
How I don't feel many emotions. I can be happy, but it seems like I am never happy these days.
How I see needing help as a weakness, and that I should be strong enough to not need help.
How I am starting to hate people.
I guess it's true what they say. That you become your parents
I don't want to be him.
I wan to be happy.
I want to smile and laugh.
I want to get out of this.
I know that if I continue on this way, I will never have friendships, I'll shut myself off from the world, I'll lose my boyfriend. Eventually.
I don't want that, any of that.
I want to be happy.
Laugh.
Smile.
Have good days, but have the bad ones too.
Even if I can't change the fact that I SH, or have an eating disorder, I want to be more optimistic.
How? For one thing, I would love to make a friend. Just one.
But I am bad at that, because I don't like large groups of people, I'm not social. I'm not the approacher, i'm the approachee.
If that's even a word.
Long story short, I need to change things. A lot of things.
I said that I was going to reinvent myself.
I want to.
Just gotta find a way to start.
Maybe once we start competing, it won't be so bad.
I try to fast, to get some control, and shit happens where I get forced to eat. I have no power over my food intake, or what the hell I'm eating. This is why i got really suicidal, or have been. Depends on how you look at it. I have no control, over anything. I feel like i can't put one foot on solid ground, and like I am just falling, and that I don't know where I'll end up. I feel so overwhelmed, and angry. So I end up gaining weight. My ultimate hate. That makes me SH, take laxatives, and fall apart.
I thought I was stronger than this.
With my dad's money troubles, I have always felt that when he is having problems, I get sucked into it. One way or another. I feel bad for him. Something similar to pity, but not quite it. I don't like it. I would rather feel hatred or anger. I can deal with those emotions, but not these ones. I feel like I'm a burden to him, to everyone around me. And it seems like nothing anyone else says can change how I feel.
I realize how much I am like my dad.
How I don't feel many emotions. I can be happy, but it seems like I am never happy these days.
How I see needing help as a weakness, and that I should be strong enough to not need help.
How I am starting to hate people.
I guess it's true what they say. That you become your parents
I don't want to be him.
I wan to be happy.
I want to smile and laugh.
I want to get out of this.
I know that if I continue on this way, I will never have friendships, I'll shut myself off from the world, I'll lose my boyfriend. Eventually.
I don't want that, any of that.
I want to be happy.
Laugh.
Smile.
Have good days, but have the bad ones too.
Even if I can't change the fact that I SH, or have an eating disorder, I want to be more optimistic.
How? For one thing, I would love to make a friend. Just one.
But I am bad at that, because I don't like large groups of people, I'm not social. I'm not the approacher, i'm the approachee.
If that's even a word.
Long story short, I need to change things. A lot of things.
I said that I was going to reinvent myself.
I want to.
Just gotta find a way to start.
You have made at least one friend =) I'm sorry that things seem to be falling apart around you. I wish I could take away your problems for you. You're such a sweet girl and you don't deserve any of this. Keep your head up darlin.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
This is true. I have. But I don't know. I don't think anyone deserves the problems that they go through. But we all go through them. I wish I could just find a way to not be so overwhelmed by all of it. Thank you though, for reminding me that it is possible to see something good in me. I feel like I'm just all bad things.
DeleteI'm trying to keep my head up. Thank you, Katie. Xxx You and I should really hang out again. If for no other reason than just because. (:
Hey chick. I am very impressed with your motivation! You have goals. You want to make friends and laugh. I think that IS the first step. You have identified what you want. Now just go get it! Are there any other activities you can get into? Maybe something that get's you around a few new people and also relieves a little stress. I do yoga :) Even if I'm not really making friends I can still go casually chat with people while working out my stress!
ReplyDeleteTry to keep your mind on where you want to be. You'll get there! <3
I might try yoga. I would love to stat it. I don't want to do it on the computer though, because my dad is always around, and since I don't have my own computer, I don't want to do it around him. So I might look into classes to take elsewhere.
DeleteThanks for all your support! Really, it means so much to me. Xx
OMG I can't believe your house got broken into. That must of been terrible, did they steal anything? I am loving your motivation by the way - keep it up! :) Happiness is the key to most things. Have you thought about going to a club/group to make friends with like minded people. I don't know what its like where you live but we have Art classes and things here locally. Lots of love xx
ReplyDeleteThey took a lot of money and a few of my dad's other things. But only his. And they targeted certain things, without taking the camera, computer, or other things that could easily be sold. Like any other robber would have. You know?
DeleteI honestly don't know what makes me happy, or what I like to do anymore. In having my ED and dealing with everything in my life, i've kinda lost who I am as a person. But I guess I just have to find myself again, and go at it. Thans for your support. Xx If it weren't for people like you, I probably wouldn't be here.
I love your motavation. I can tell you that you made another friend today. And keep you head up. You have some much in you and it just needs to shine threw. I pray that your studies go well this year. Just take each day one step at a time and I know you will get through this.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support. You're new here, and I haven't followed your blog, if you have one. I will check it out though!
DeleteI'm happy to have made another friend, if for someone to just talk to, not necessarily about problems, but just in general.
Where do you live?
I am taking it one day at a time. Thanks. It's difficult, but possible.
Hope everything is well with you. Xx