Every Day Is A New Day

Nothing which I start can I ever finish.

15 day liquid fast? Fail.
Writing to my brother? Fail.
That just seems to be my standard.

I feel really apathetic recently. Like it's too much trouble to carry on a conversation with people. The other day while I was with Cimiron, I started feeling that way. I started feeling like it was too much effort to talk to him, or to even explain what I was feeling. I just wanted to sit there and stare at a wall.
When I do manage to think, it's not good. It's angry. I get so pissed off, just because of my thinking.

People don't understand me when I say that I piss myself off. They don't get it. They think it's easy to change, if I so wished. But it isn't that simple. Or I don't feel like it is anyways.
I just feel so apathetic about everything, and it sucks. It means that I get nowhere. I think I need to have a day or two where I just don't talk to anyone. I just don't see or be around anyone. But that's difficult. There are always people around, always someone wanting to talk.
Not to mention, if I did that, I'd feel like I was wasting the few days I have with Cimiron before he goes back to NY.
I don't want him to go, I really don't. But he has to, and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe because I don't like emotions, and I shove mine as far away as I can? For whatever reason, I just don't like it.

But today is the start of a new day. I will be hopefully hanging with my mom, so that should give me something to do. I will have to make the best of today, do what I can. My dad flies back today as well. Great. He will be up there for a while, so I have free reign basically.
Not that I really ever use it. But I don't really like him being there.
I feel guilty for hating him, if he is changing. If he wants to change, then I feel guilty for still being angry. But it feels like I just have so much going on right now that I can't even think of not hating him. I need to get my life under control.
School starts in a little over a month. I need to be ready.. I need to be focused. It's my last year of High School. I NEED to do well. No if's, and's, or but's. But how do I get a grip on myself?

Any advice?

I guess if push comes to shove, I'll do what I did last year. Pretend that nothing is wrong, and shove my Eating Disorder and self harm/depression to the back and focus on everything and everyone else. Seemed to work well enough, till I fucked up and trusted someone.
Never again. Trusting people gets me nowhere.

Anyways, so that's my little rant.

Here's to making the best of my day! I'm going to try to enjoy it.