Before I get started on this post, there are some things I need to clarify. S is my dad's friend as well as mine (sorta). S has 4 kids, but two of them are grown up and moved elsewhere. The two that are left are B who's 18, and M who's 15.
As of right now, B and S are living at my house with my dad and I. But in the next month, B is moving to my grandparents where he is going to rent a room until he finds somewhere else to stay. M is going to be moving in, in place of B. B and M can't be together, as some shit went down that I don't really know about.
So I am getting yet another roommate.
I found out all of this yesterday. /: I told everyone I was fine with it. But really, I'm not.
I hate that B is moving to my grandparents. I feel like that's my space and he has no right to move there. I'm so anxious that M is moving in. She's 15. We've both changed so much since I last saw her. I've matured, chilled out. I don't really do any bad things, aside from smoking weed, hanging with my mom, cutting, and having my ED. She, on the other hand, has gotten herself into a lot of trouble in the last year or so. She's a partier, likes to break rules (or at least did), and... Did I mention she's pregnant? Yep. 15 and pregnant. That's all fine and dandy. If she wants to do that, I wish her the best of luck. But what I'm getting at is that we're different.
I feel so anxious that I'm gonna have to hide from her too. I don't like new people coming into my life. I don't know her all that well, so I don't know the best ways to hide my habits and whatnot from her.
I hate it. But I'll learn. And learn quickly.
I just hate it. I feel like all I do is bullshit people. I want to move away, I want to be alone. I want to be able to do what I want, and not have to hide. I want people to stop telling me what to do. I want to be able to do anything. I want to be left alone. I hate new people.
So much anxiety. They just kind of dropped that bomb on me yesterday, with zero warning. It's bullshit.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Look for differences and you'll find some, ones that don't even exist sometimes. Everyone has a story and acts the way they do because of it. Try to not focus on your anxiety and maybe think of how she feels having to live with people and not her own home and being pregnant. We create walls that dont need to be there often.
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That's a food perspective to take. I will try to think about it that way. Thank you. Xx
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