Thoughts

I have eaten absolutely nothing today, and yet I still feel so fat.

This is my second day in a while that my total cals intake is below 300. And net cals are negative. 

I really hope that it shows on the scale tomorrow. I don't feel like it will. I don't feel empty either and that makes me anxious. I could take laxatives, I suppose. But given that it is so late and I didn't want to put food in my stomach, I didn't take them.

This next week will be kind of difficult without my cheats, but I don't want to undo all the hard work I have done... Depending on the scale.

I seriously fucked myself up today.. I didn't really feel like I was in my head and I kept zoning out. I literally sat in a car for damn near 11 hours... With only my iPod and its apps to keep me occupied. Somehow I managed to not go crazy and the only thing I can think of to explain how that is possible is "zoning out". I kept fading in and out of reality today, and though I can't remember where I might have gone, I guess I scratched/popped pimples ap my arms and have been biting my nails from anxiety. I managed to burn myself with another cigarette, cut my fingers a few times with my blade, and faceplant/ give myself a bruise. I swear, today has been a day. I didn't even do all that much with my day, yet somehow I managed to accomplish so much in the way of pain. Hmm. At least they are things that I can explain or don't seem so suspicious. Or maybe I am just fooling myself. Either way, I can hide most of it.

I am finally starting to feel tired as I haven't slept in a full 52 hours. Ironically enough though, if I had the means to get more up, I would. I would so keep doing it if I could. But for the next week, I can't.

I guess I will just try not to think too much about my weight until I can weigh myself and know for sure tomorrow. In the meantime, I need to find a distraction.

Actually, I don't even want a distraction. I want to either go up so I can enjoy more energy, or I want to go wayy down into nothingness. No thoughts. No feelings. No dreams. Just empty.

A lot of people dislike that feeling, but most don't realize how much of a bliss it is. The extents I would go to in order to feel that peaceful numbness, if it was possible. Sometimes it might be, but it is only fleeting.

It is gone almost as soon as it appears, but the memory never truly fades. That is what keeps me going, towards the very thing that will destroy me.