I am me.

I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.

But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.

My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.

This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Bad Day

I was at my boyfriends work until about 3am this morning, and I immediately fell asleep when I got home. Both of us ended up sleeping until late this afternoon only a few hours before he had to go to work, but whatever.

I absolutely fucking despise myself today. I really only have one pair of pants that fit me now, and even then they don't fit. They fit me yesterday and I was so excited to be losing weight so they would fit. Today when I put them on, I immediately knew I was too fat. I am literally punishing myself for being so fat. Even though it is aout 90 degrees here, I put on the biggest jacket I have. I don't want anyone to look at me.

My boyfriend tried to put his arms around me and I couldn't handle how fat that made me feel. I didn't want him to touch me because if he knew how fat I was he wouldn't love me. Ugh. The one bright side is that while he was laying on me, he had to keep moving for a few mins to get comfortable because he said my hipbones were fucking with him. At that comment, I couldn't help but to smile because that means you can at least see/feel my hipbones enough for them to be uncomfortable. 

Even with the overwhelming hate I have for myself right now, my boyfriend is offering me French fries. I know I shouldn't, but I am going to because it will feed the fire just that much more. I want to cut, though I have mixed thoughts about that one.
I just wish today was over. I wish I didn't exist. I don't even know my weight for today, and maybe that is best.
I can't actually seem to put words to the overwhelming rage I feel at myself right now. Hate. Bloodlust. I could really fuck myself up.

I keep lying to my boyfriend and saying there is nothing on my mind and no reason that I am being so quiet today, but what would he say if I told him what was really on my mind? He said once that with me there is never nothing on my mind, and I found it really offensive. So challenge accepted. I will at least make it seem like I am okay.

If not for my sake, at least for his. He doesn't deserve this. 
Posted by at

4 comments:

  1. Fat PiggyJuly 25, 2014 at 3:44 PM

    I had this a few weeks ago, I started screaming at my boy because he glanced over at the scale while I was getting on it. I oculdn't handle the idea of him knowing how fat and disgusting I am. SAY NO TO THE FRENCH FRIES!!!!!!! Every little calorie that goes in will need to come off and you can't wait till tomorrow, because tomorrow will never come!! I'm here for you lady if you need me!! Xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J (:July 28, 2014 at 2:20 PM

      That is exactly how it is. It's so nice that someone understands. I just wish I could be better for him, because he deserves so much better than me. Xx

      Delete
  2. LeeTiger28July 27, 2014 at 10:07 PM

    Hey! I'm finally all caught up on your blog! Congrats on the hipbones and the boyfriend that treats you right! You can ALWAYS come talk to me about ANYTHING-Which may seem weird, but like, I feel like I kinda know you from everything you've written in the past three years. Anyway, I hope those pants fit soon.
    <3 Lee

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J (:July 28, 2014 at 2:20 PM

      I will definitely keep that in mind. Thank you. Xx

      Delete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)