Sometimes it's hard to know if anyone cares.
If I matter to anyone.
Sometimes it doesn't seem worth the effort to try to keep people around when they don't seem to put forth the effort either.
I can't stand myself today.
I can't stand how pathetic I am for thinking these thoughts. Even though I should know otherwise.

Sometimes it's impossible to remember why I shouldn't do the self destructive things that are always on my mind.
I begged him not to go.
Knowing we need the money, but unable to explain why I need him more.
He looked at me with nothing but love in his eyes when he said he had to.
I wish it was enough. But without his pesence to dull the ache, it's almost impossible to resist.
My mind plans out ways to hide it from him.
Whispers to me how much better I would feel if I gave in.. just this once.
And I know it would stop the voices, stop the guilt, stop the desperate need for escape.
But what would it cost me?
Would he still love me if he found out?
Ot would I finish only to feel more guilt and anxiety because I couldn't cut deep enough?

Another day is wasted.
Spent surviving instead of living.
Spent hurting instead of loving.
Spent in denial rather than facing up to what I have done.

But it isn't like I don't know.
It never goes away.
The lying.
The stealing.
The guilt.
The hatred.
Another day passing by.
But I can't let myself think about it too much.
Or the fragile glue holding me together
Will shatter..
And there will be nothing left of me.