I am me.

I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.

But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.

My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.

This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Not Today

I feel really lost today.
I don't want to function, I don't want to breathe, and I don't want to have to carry around this body.
I have been extremely bitchy. To my grandparents, and to my boyfriend. I just want to be left alone
But then I feel too alone.

My grandpa was nice enough to buy my boyfriend two tires since his were about to pop, and they had wire showing through. At least now we won't have to worry so much about them popping. They've spent the day installing them, and I have spent the day doing... NOTHING.

Why is it so hard for me to accept help? Why can't I just be happy? Why do I have to be mean?
Nothing has changed. I applied for two jobs and am waiting to hear back from them. I have a record of all the money I owe people, and I see it every day. I record my weight, and like today, when it goes up, my depression does too.
Why am I even trying?
I will never be skinny. I will never reach my goals.

My grandpa called me chunky yesterday,and my grandma commented that I "eat too much". My boyfriend thinks it's stupid to let these things bother me so much... but I can't help it.
I will starve and eat none of their food until I am so skinny they are begging me to eat.

And this is why I am going to hell.

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3 comments:

  1. TimelessladyNovember 16, 2014 at 8:57 AM

    Just wanted to say Hello and God bless....don't worry about being crabby...it happens to all of us. I'm a grandparent, and I adore my grandchildren...from the things you've written, the generosity you've been shown...you are LOVED...doesn't matter if you are crabby or sweet. Blessings on your day.

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  2. Depressed Skinny Mess.November 17, 2014 at 5:52 PM

    Your family will still love you, no matter what your mood. Trust me, i've blown up in peoples faces plenty of times, but if they love you, they will understand and forgive. I get what you mean by wanting to be alone, but then feeling too alone...it's catch 22! Please take care beautiful, i replied to your comment too emailing would be great :) xx

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  3. AnonymousNovember 18, 2014 at 3:05 PM

    Sweetheart, you are not going to hell. You may be going through hell, but you will come out on the other end and leave it behind you. I'm sorry that your grandparents are calling you those things. However, from their view, it likely is because they care and are concerned but don't know how else to express it. Rather than let it upset you, let it drive you forwards towards your goals. That was very sweet of them to get tires for your boyfriend. Clearly, they care about you. Take care of yourself. We will reach our goals, even if it's not 10 pounds by Thanksgiving. Hang in there! XO Calla

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