Nonsense

Today is Friday. Where did the week go? What did I do with this week?
Nothing.
I haven't been putting forth the greatest amount of effort lately, and my depression is kind of winning. I am letting it.
I hardly sleep anymore; right now it is nearly 4am and I am still awake, and last night I was up until 7am this morning before finally falling asleep.
I don't feel like I can let my body rest.
No matter how tired it gets.
I am afraid to weigh, because I am finding it hard to do ABC. Everything feels like too much.
I feel like a glass masterpiece that wasn't made strong enough.. and at the slightest whisper I could break.
And of course I tell nobody, pretending as if I am just fine. To be honest, I am afrad to confide in my boyfriend because I don't think he could understand and I doubt he would believe me anyways.
How do you explain to someone that you would rather focus on killing yourself than face what is waiting for you in reality?.
I am weak. I am pathetic. I am unworthy.
I texted a friend and said "I don't deserve to eat" and my bf saw that message. His reponse was kind of mocking, but definitely triggering. A lot of the things he says now are triggering but I don't think he is even aware that he is doing it.
I have to become fragile and skinny. I have to prove this to myself.

I have a job interview today, later. Not sure if I should be excited or not, since I have been mostly running into walls searching for jobs recently. I am kind of losing hope. I just want to leave this state. Go ANYWHERE else.

I am thinking of taking a hiatus, from smoking weed but also quit smoking cigarettes. So far that isn't working well. But I am trying. I feel like maybe it would help me lose weight, but I am also not b prepared for the weight gain OR facing my past trauma. I keep making excuses to get out of quitting, but I need to stop.
I don't know how to cope.