I am me.

I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.

But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.

My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.

This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!

Monday, December 1, 2014

High Way To Hell

I'm not sure how sleeping is gonna go. What am I doing with my life?
Where am I going?

I drank too much liquid, and though I know it's liquid and I have already taken laxies... mentally I am panicking..
I'm fat. Fatty Mc Fat Ass. I feel like I can't breathe easy.
I need to cut. I need to know that this isn't all in my head. I need to feel as fucked up on the outside as I am on the inside.

I don't belong in this bed.
I don't deserve these pillows, this blanket.
I don't deserve be full.
I miss the cuts that used to cover my arms.
Burning just doesn't cut it.
Hah.
That's punny.

I am a failure for being fat. For eating, when it wasn't necessary. I want to take all the laxatives I have. I wish I had sleeping pills.
I kind of feel like I did when I was on Meth. Jittery, full, and numb.
As terrible as I know it is, I miss it. I wish I could go back to doing it. I was never addicted. It never had a chance to effect me negatively. But it had a lot of upsides. I miss not sleeping. I miss not feeling hungry. Not having to panic at the thought of digesting food. I will probably burn in hell for this. But I just don't care. I have yet to find a similar drug, and as much as I don't like drugs, I liked that one.

Will I ever go back?

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1 comment:

  1. AnonymousDecember 2, 2014 at 9:29 PM

    Aw J... I didn't know you were burning. Please text me when you have that urge! Or even if you aren't able to bring yourself to text me until afterwards, please do. And you deserve what you have, pillows and all. I promise. I know you don't see it right now, but I do. Take care XOXO

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