Again and Again

When will I ever learn?

PEOPLE DO NOT STICK AROUND. THEY DO NOT KEEP THEIR PROMISES, THEY CAN NOT BE RELIED ON.

Over and over again, I let people in. Over and over again, I get stabbed in the back. I don't know if it's me, or if it's them, but honestly? I'm done trying.

I'm done reaching out to people when I need help.
I'm done admitting I need help.
I'm done bending backwards to help people. To do everything I can to make sure they're happy.

I just can't do it anymore. So fuck it.
I can't.
I don't know.

It's only been 3 days?!

Gosh. I feels like so much longer since I last wrote. I mean, wow.

A lot has been going on though... So much. And I don't exactly know how to write about it, so I'll just kinda do it quickly..

1. I've lowered my goal weight. Yeah. So basically, I don't fit the criteria for Bulimic, so I couldn't even get help if I wanted it. And I'm gonna be honest, right now, I don't exactly want help. I'm finally starting to lose weight, and I will get there.

2. I talked to my school counselor again. She said that I sound kinda hopeless, and that she thinks I might be depressed because I don't want to be around people, I don't have the energy. I don't want to talk to anyone, be in the same room as them. I don't want to go out and do things. I'd rather just sit. Or rather stand, as I try not to sit. I don't have the energy for it.

3. I am not sick enough. I found out that I don't qualify as sick enough to have an ED, which pissed me off. But at the same time, it can't be that bad because well, I don't exactly want help. I am finally barely starting to lose weight, and I want to keep it that way. I don't know what will happen if I stay at my weight. I can't take it anymore, I'm actually growing desperate.

4. I have Homecoming on Saturday. I am excited to go, I love my dress. I don't think it would hurt to lose a few pounds, but at the same time, if I don't, I'm not too worried about it. I actually like myself in it, which is saying something. And I also get to go to the Zombie Crawl on Saturday, and it'll be so much fun to go from being gross and dead to pretty and glamorous for the dance. Y'know?

5. I'm almost caught up in school. This is good because it will be less stress, but it also means that I'll have more time to think, and honestly, I know nothing good will come from thinking right now. And i've had so much work to do in school, it feels like I am living and breathing my English and Science work. I ditched class on Friday because I didn't have the energy to go to class, and I wasn't prepared for the test. But I am now, and I'll take it and do well on it!

6. I am thinking of getting professional help. Like actually seeing a therapist. I feel like I need one, because I don't know how much of my head my counselor at school can understand, and how much of it I am just spewing out my ass. Like I am kind of afraid of her. Believe it or not.


So that's what's been up with me recently, and I must say - It feels like an emotional roller coaster. AND I DON"T LIKE IT. Though I guess I'm glad that I actually have someone to talk to. And I know the above stuff doesn't seem like much, but I must be so emotionally and mentally invested in all of it that it feels like so much!!

I won't give up (Even if I want to)

Today has just been an eh day.

I was supposed to hang out with my friend, but those plans fell through. So I decided to go to the store and buy a muffin. I wasn't hungry, but I knew I would be later, and I didn't want to eat what we had or would go get. Because it's all bad for you!
I didn't want to spend the rest of the night hating myself for eating badly. So I got a muffin. Not bad. Had more calories than I would have liked, but as I ate less than I'm supposed to today, it can't hurt.
So I've eaten for the day, now I don't have to worry about it. I tried to get homework done today, and I have a project to turn in, as well as a book club project for English, which I have to give to someone to turn in, because I won't be in school for the next week.

Yup. I have Outdoor Lab, and I have to go on Monday.
I.
AM.
TERRIFIED.
I want to just say no, I don't want to do that, but that would mean a failing grade, and that's something I can't have. I need this for my GPA and for the community service hours. Woo for self-imposed pressure!
I am trying to distract myself, but nope. No solace to be found. I have to get a whole bunch of stuff for it tomorrow, and my dad doesn't want to do it yet, which means I can't pack. And I have to be there at 6:45 am on Monday, so that means I have to get up at like 5 or 5:30. NOT looking forward to that. But it's only a week. I just have to keep repeating that.

Now here's for the fucked up part. And I wouldn't admit this to anyone, but it is my blog, and it's for my thoughts, so I shall write. One of the good things about going to Outdoor Lab is that I can't be "forced" to eat anything. I can choose to eat, or not to eat. And I will probably choose the latter. I haven't weighed myself the past like 2 weeks, so I don't know if I've gone up or down, which makes me really anxious.
What also makes me anxious, is that if I decide to write in a notebook while I'm up there, what happens if someone reads it? I know it's stupid, but the thought of someone reading it scares the shit out of me.

Why can't I just be okay?
Why can't I be normal?

I don't want to be around any of my friends, not even my BEST FRIEND because I feel like I'm too negative, like she's tired of hearing me feel like shit. Like it's my fault. Who am I kidding?? It IS my fault. So that's why nobody wants to be around me.
I don't even want to be around myself. I don't deserve the amazing family and friends I have. Okay, they all suck... but you get what I mean. I don't even know. I wish I could just go away.
I feel so down, so frustrated about everything. I don't want to be around people, but at the same time, I wish I could be around someone without getting so irritated over the smallest thing, because then it'd take my mind off of everything, if only for a little while.

I feel so attention seeking, even though I don't think I am. I don't even know. Maybe there's something wrong with me.
I wrote a poem yesterday, the first time I've written in over 6 months. Or written because I WANTED TO not because I HAD TO. It wasn't a happy poem, but it had to do with my mood. So I guess I can't say too much. I might post it here, if Antoine's interested.
Though after the last few weeks, It's a wonder that anyone would care to read my blog. Or that anyone would care enough to even comment. Or support me.
I thought about the cycle of life and death yesterday and the past week. How life is something that's supposed to prepare you for whatever is after you die, but at the same time, everyone says that after you die, things get better.
It's interesting that people would think of it that way.

I may want to give up, but some part of me must not want to, because I keep finding a reason to fight, even if I don't know what that means.
I haven't been running in like 2 weeks, I can't seem to find the energy or the motivation. I just want to be alone, but I don't at the same time. Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? Maybe.
So this totally turned into a ramble, wow. Just wow. Congrats if you made it through all of this.
I might try to go for a run tonight. Maybe that'll help.

This here is one of my BEST FRIENDS. She has not always stood by my side, but she will always be my best friend. She also saved my life, and for that, I owe her over and over again. I don't know where I'd be without her. <3

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

Today isn't much better than last night was, but at the same time it is?
It's confusing.

I'm still confused, scared, pissed off, and everything that I was last night, but it's more scaled back. I can tell that today is going to just be a "Leave me alone" day. And that's fine.

I don't even know how to put it in words what's in my head. It's all just kinda... there.
Ever feel like that?

I'm hoping that later today I'll have the energy to run, as I think that might help. I just haven't felt up to it in the last week or so. Which is horrible. Kinda. I know it is good to take a break, because that will help with not being obsessed, but at the same time, I don't want to take a break. I just want to keep going and going and going. Is that bad? Of course it's bad.

I really miss talking to Cimiron, or him being here. I mean, at least when I can talk to him, it's somewhat better. But I don't know that I want to talk to him right now because I'm ashamed. Scared. Of what? Not sure. I don't want him to worry about me, or anything. Though of course, it's not like he won't ever find out. He reads my blog, I think. Most of it anyways. Which is fine. So he'll know, but if I can "Fake it till I make it" then it'll be better, easier to deal with. I don't even know if that makes sense.
I've never been one to take judgement or criticism badly. I usually just deal with it, and improve. But with this it's different. I don't want him to worry about me. I don't want him to judge me. I know he won't, because he isn't that kind of person. He'd just try to help me. Only I don't know if he can. And I don't know if I want to bring him into this.
Great... I'm pushing away the very person that could probably help me without intentionally helping me. He inspired me to keep fighting for "Recovery" and to get better. He listens to everything I say, even when it's just ranting, babbling, idiotic, rants. He still listens and even when I'm in a bad mood, he finds a way to make me smile.

I kinda want to go outside, just scream. Run, scream, cry, jump, punch a wall, anything really. Just to get my energy out. There's this stupid voice inside of me and when I rationalize talking to someone about what's going on, or if I'm stressed out, or just normal Teenage Things, this stupid voice is like "No. Don't talk to them. They've got their own problems to deal with. They don't need to be burdened by yours. Besides, you should be strong enough and independent enough to get over it. It' little. You're making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. Stop it." Arrrrrrrrrggggh!!!! I know it's stupid, and that I shouldn't listen to it. But it works about 98% of the time, and then I don't want to talk to anyone.

I don't want to stay at my dad's but then again, I do. Part of me can't stop wanting a dad, but whatever. That part doesn't matter. It's just hard to stay mad at him when he's trying. He asked me if I wanted to go to a Brit Floyd concert on Friday. I said sure. Little things like that. Him reaching out to me.
But I don't know if I'm ready to forgive him, because he won't talk about anything. He just kinda accepts everything and acts like it's okay. Well it's not. But who am I to tell him otherwise? My lifestyle and eating patterns are back to the way they've always been, when I was there. I know for a fact that that isn't helping anything, but I don't want to leave, because then I feel like I'm blowing him off. And I can't confront him. I don't want a confrontation. I dunno. My head is a mess.

So much to say!

My computer doesn't seem to want to be working lately.... Like it won't load my blog. So I haven't been able to write. I can't even use it for schoolwork.... WHY??? I need to do some catching up on other blogs... but that will have to be tomorrow.
Anyways, Friday night was bad. I pretty much exploded, spent 3 hours crying because I was so mad, since it seems that everyone is either blowing me off, supporting my Bulimic habits, or just telling me "Get over it"... It's like nobody gives a shit that I'm struggling to beat this, that I'm having some problems. I do believe I am in a relapse.... And I'm so pissed off at myself, at other people, it's like by purging it's getting back at them. So incorrect, I know. But emotionally that's what it feels like which is why I can't stop. But at the same time, I wish with everything I have that I COULD BE NORMAL OR BETTER OR OKAY OR HEALTHY. I don't know.
I hate being at my dad's, it's EXACTLY like it was before I left. And part of that is what's contributing to my ED. I don't even really want to talk to anyone because I'm so ashamed. I don't want to bring anyone down, or cause them worry. I don't deserve to talk to anyone... or whatever. I don't know. I feel like I've let myself down and some other people, but at the same time. I guess that's all I'm good for. And on the bright side, I've finally stopped asking for help from people who don't give a fuck... which is pretty much everyone. The only one who seems to care is Cimiron, and some of the people I've met through this blog, like Kendel, and Sarah. Still. But I don't really want to talk to anyone, because I'm afraid to admit what's happening. And honestly, it's starting to feel like everyone is my enemy, and I'm scared. I don't even know.
Thursday was so much fun, I got to watch teachers get pied, and I even got to throw a pie at one of my teachers. I took some wonderful pics, but I can't post them here, because my computer won't let me. Gonna have to do it tomorrow. There was a party type thing for upperclassmen, and I got to hang out with my friends. It was a blast. Last night I spent the night at Kassidy's, and we had so much fun. We had mud masks, painted our nails, blasted music, watched movies, played games, went to the mall, and ran down Colfax. :D haha it was so much fun! Just what I needed!! Well, for yesterday anyways.
School is starting to be stressing again, and I'm also stressing about next week, as I have Outdoor Lab. What if I'm not good enough, or I screw up? I know I'm not really expected to be perfect, as it's my first time, but still. I want to do well. I get to meet the kids on Wednesday, so that might help a little.
I haven't had much time to run lately, maybe that's just what I need. But it feels like I don't have any time to run. I ran a little when I broke down on Friday night, but it didn't have the calming effect I needed. I think things will be a little better after I get back from Outdoor Lab, since that seems to be a major source of stress. Plus I'll be able to get away from my dad's that week too, so maybe that'll do me some good. Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. Not sure.
But I'm going to make the best of my Sunday night, listen to music, clean, do chores, maybe some homework, and catch up on sleep since I have to get up early tomorrow. Woo. Yay for Monday's! I think. I rather like Wednesdays, because I start school really late, and I get to sleep in. It's pretty nice.
Hope everyone is doing good, or at least somewhat. ^_^

Mirror, mirror

If I told you everything in my head, you'd think I'm insane. That is, if you don't already.
Sometimes I don't even know what goes on in my head, but a lot of the time, I can ignore it. I guess I'm just..... confused. Yeah, that's it.

I don't know what I want, how to get there. I don't know if I can, or if I've unconsciously given up. I wish there was someone who could help me figure out whats in my head, but nope. That's humanity for you.

"Mirror mirror, on the wall,
Have I got it?
Cuz mirror you've always told me, who I am.
I'm finding it's not easy,
To be perfect..."

"Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you?
I don't need to listen to the list of things I should be,
I won't try, I won't try."
(Mirror by BarlowGirl)

These lyrics can only inspire me for so long. Even now as I write this, I don't want to post it because I'm afraid of being judged. But if I can't even post my own thoughts on my own blog, then what have I? So I guess I'll post this post after all.

I am still so confused. So lost. So messed up. So angry. So sad. I'm embarrassed that I'm still feeling this way, because it's like I should have already gotten over it. I am so tired of being negative. I am so sorry. But I'm not sorry for what I can't be, more sorry for not being strong enough. I feel like everyone can do it. But not me. I don't know how. Like I missed something. Why? I'm just so confused.

Thoughts.

I don't even know what I want. Or how to get there. I don't know if I can.
I know I have to. People depend on me, I can't be weak.
I just want to be happy, and i'm not sure how to do that when i'm so pissed off at everything.
Even as i'm writing this out, writing my thoughts, I think that someone will laugh at me or tell me I just want attention.
I don't want to be this way forever, it's not an option. I need to get better, Bulimia can't rule my life forever.
I've never been diagnosed, and I never will be. i don't know if I have the strength for this, If I should keep trying. Where's the end?
Is there even an end?
I wish I didn't need people so much.
But at the same time, I have no idea where i'd be without some people.
What is my plan? Can I reach it? Today is going to be stupid. I can't focus on school. Don't even want to be here. I just want to go put my headphones in. But I want to be happy, I wish I could push all these thoughts away. They're not doing me any good.
I just want to be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. Or all of the above.

Not sure it's over yet..

Friday I came to the realization that everything may not be over yet. I'm not where I want to be, I can't stop, not until I reach my goal. I want to stop, but at the same time, I don't. Most of what I think about is my weight, or what I eat. And there's still times when I over eat, or I skip a meal or two. I still weigh myself every day, and I still want to do unhealthy things, like go on a fast.
The fast was supposed to happen today, but some things kinda failed, so it starts tomorrow. It's going to be purely a liquid fast. It's a last ditch attempt, because I am trapped. Sometimes I wish I could be anorexic  normal, because then I wouldn't have to worry about what I eat. And I know that if I ever got that skinny, it'd be easy to recover. Okay, not easy but easier I just have to want it, and keep working at it. But I don't seem to have the motivation anymore, because I'm not seeing the results I want. Or any results, really. If  I saw ANY results, that would keep me going, but right now, doing something like going on a fast, or just not eating  eating less, seems to be my only option. I'm beyond frustrated.
And I have so much more to say, but I can't seem to find the correct words, so for now, that's all I'll say on that subject.