Not sure it's over yet..

Friday I came to the realization that everything may not be over yet. I'm not where I want to be, I can't stop, not until I reach my goal. I want to stop, but at the same time, I don't. Most of what I think about is my weight, or what I eat. And there's still times when I over eat, or I skip a meal or two. I still weigh myself every day, and I still want to do unhealthy things, like go on a fast.
The fast was supposed to happen today, but some things kinda failed, so it starts tomorrow. It's going to be purely a liquid fast. It's a last ditch attempt, because I am trapped. Sometimes I wish I could be anorexic  normal, because then I wouldn't have to worry about what I eat. And I know that if I ever got that skinny, it'd be easy to recover. Okay, not easy but easier I just have to want it, and keep working at it. But I don't seem to have the motivation anymore, because I'm not seeing the results I want. Or any results, really. If  I saw ANY results, that would keep me going, but right now, doing something like going on a fast, or just not eating  eating less, seems to be my only option. I'm beyond frustrated.
And I have so much more to say, but I can't seem to find the correct words, so for now, that's all I'll say on that subject.