It's confusing.
I'm still confused, scared, pissed off, and everything that I was last night, but it's more scaled back. I can tell that today is going to just be a "Leave me alone" day. And that's fine.
I don't even know how to put it in words what's in my head. It's all just kinda... there.
Ever feel like that?
I'm hoping that later today I'll have the energy to run, as I think that might help. I just haven't felt up to it in the last week or so. Which is horrible. Kinda. I know it is good to take a break, because that will help with not being obsessed, but at the same time, I don't want to take a break. I just want to keep going and going and going. Is that bad? Of course it's bad.
I really miss talking to Cimiron, or him being here. I mean, at least when I can talk to him, it's somewhat better. But I don't know that I want to talk to him right now because I'm ashamed. Scared. Of what? Not sure. I don't want him to worry about me, or anything. Though of course, it's not like he won't ever find out. He reads my blog, I think. Most of it anyways. Which is fine. So he'll know, but if I can "Fake it till I make it" then it'll be better, easier to deal with. I don't even know if that makes sense.
I've never been one to take judgement or criticism badly. I usually just deal with it, and improve. But with this it's different. I don't want him to worry about me. I don't want him to judge me. I know he won't, because he isn't that kind of person. He'd just try to help me. Only I don't know if he can. And I don't know if I want to bring him into this.
Great... I'm pushing away the very person that could probably help me without intentionally helping me. He inspired me to keep fighting for "Recovery" and to get better. He listens to everything I say, even when it's just ranting, babbling, idiotic, rants. He still listens and even when I'm in a bad mood, he finds a way to make me smile.
I kinda want to go outside, just scream. Run, scream, cry, jump, punch a wall, anything really. Just to get my energy out. There's this stupid voice inside of me and when I rationalize talking to someone about what's going on, or if I'm stressed out, or just normal Teenage Things, this stupid voice is like "No. Don't talk to them. They've got their own problems to deal with. They don't need to be burdened by yours. Besides, you should be strong enough and independent enough to get over it. It' little. You're making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. Stop it." Arrrrrrrrrggggh!!!! I know it's stupid, and that I shouldn't listen to it. But it works about 98% of the time, and then I don't want to talk to anyone.
I don't want to stay at my dad's but then again, I do. Part of me can't stop wanting a dad, but whatever. That part doesn't matter. It's just hard to stay mad at him when he's trying. He asked me if I wanted to go to a Brit Floyd concert on Friday. I said sure. Little things like that. Him reaching out to me.
But I don't know if I'm ready to forgive him, because he won't talk about anything. He just kinda accepts everything and acts like it's okay. Well it's not. But who am I to tell him otherwise? My lifestyle and eating patterns are back to the way they've always been, when I was there. I know for a fact that that isn't helping anything, but I don't want to leave, because then I feel like I'm blowing him off. And I can't confront him. I don't want a confrontation. I dunno. My head is a mess.
Aw, I know what you mean about a 'leave me alone day' .. I've definitely had a couple of them in regards to my family. It just feels like everyone is 'at me' all the time so going away for a couple of days is exactly what I need! :) I leave on Thursday and I'm not coming back until Monday or Tuesday! YAY. I hope you feel better though; just run it out! Running makes everything better! :)
ReplyDeleteAs for the 'bad or not' factor, it depends. I run every day, twice a day and I usually have a walk or bike ride in the afternoon but I don't obsess about it. If you start obsessing about it - that's when it becomes unhealthy and you should probably have a little break. Just so you can heal both mentally and physically. No one can keep going, going, going every single day. Everyone's body needs a little break every now and then so it's good that you've had one and you can get back into your fitness regime :)
I get what you mean about not wanting to tell Cimiron everything, I feel the same way about Nero too but really, who does it benefit in the end? You said that he reads majority of your blog so he'll find out one way or another about how you're feeling or when you're struggling. Hiding it or just not including it in conversation won't help any. You guys have been together for a year, even if it has been a little complicated with the distance and everything. He should be someone you can talk to about anything, no matter what. Whether you're happy, sad, angry, upset, hurt, ashamed - you should be able to talk to him despite all that. If not, well you know I'm always here :) I'm just an email away! I'm always happy to talk to you about anything or offer my advice if I can.
In regards to your dad, well everyone wants a father no matter what their situation is; whether it's a step father or biological father. Just take it one step at a time, one day at a time and then you'll know for sure what you wanna do :) When and if you leave, it doesn't mean that you're 'blowing him off', you can always return when and if it's appropriate and at your own pace - not when someone tells you to.
Everything will be okay lovely :) It might take some time but they always say that good things take time.
I love running, but it seems like recently I can't get up the energy to do it and I don't want to FORCE myself to do it, y'know?
DeleteIf i'm not in the mood, I won't run. But i've been jump roping a lot, so maybe that's helping.
That's exactly what it is - obsession. It's like if I can run, then i'm happy because it's healthy. But if I can't run, then I won't eat, and i'll be in a pissed off mood for the rest of the night. Until I can run again. It's all dependent on how much or how little I run and how much food I eat that day because of it. That's why I don't think it's good.
I did take your advice, and I told him about EVERYTHING. All of it. Even the things I didn't want to admit. And you were right, he just took it in stride, tried to understand, and talked to me about it. He made me feel like I wasn't so much of a fuck up. Which I guess is the best thing. He even made me laugh. Something I definitely needed, as I was close to tears telling him about it.
The thing is, I don't think he'll ever want to talk about what happened, and that's something he needs to do if i'm ever going to forgive him. But I don't want to bring it up. However, for now it's okay. I'm not doing too badly, things are starting to get better. That's all I can ask for. In time, like you said, i'm sure i'll forgive him. At my own pace.
Thank you so much for helping me with this! It means a lot, and you DID help. A lot. I knew I could talk to you, but again, it's always nice to hear it. Thank you. I hope you're doing well. (: