I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Haunted
Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough.
Not trying hard enough. Not good enough. Not worth anything. Stupid. Ugly. Fat. Mundane. Ordinary. Nothing. Needy. Dependent. Whore. Wanna-be. Copy cat. Poseur. Bitch.
These are just a few of the words that play over and over and over again in my head. They repeat. They're never ending.
Not trying hard enough. Not good enough. Not worth anything. Stupid. Ugly. Fat. Mundane. Ordinary. Nothing. Needy. Dependent. Whore. Wanna-be. Copy cat. Poseur. Bitch.
These are just a few of the words that play over and over and over again in my head. They repeat. They're never ending.
They're killing me.
First Time In A Year
Monday was the first time I've seen my boyfriend in a year. We had a great night.
We talked, cuddled, played video games, had dinner with his family, and joked around. Talking and cuddling was great. Jut feeling close to him was amazing. One year is a very long time, I tell ya. I cannot wait for the day where I can talk and cuddle with him every day of the week. ^_^
We played Persona 4 and Black Ops. He totally kicked my ass in Black Ops. But it was a little bit of a fairer fight with Persona 4. I liked it. That's coming from someone who doesn't play video games.
Having dinner with his family was.. interesting. I told both him and his mom that I wasn't hungry. In the end though, I had 2 pieces of garlic bread and one 1" square of ravioli. Pretty much as little as I could get away with.
I was so stoked to hang with him. That feeling of seeing him again was incomparable to everything else. I can't really explain it. But it was good. Very, very good.
I've been trying to think about that and keep that in mind instead of my worries.
Did he think I was fat?
Did he worry about me?
Did he think I was crazy?
Did he think I was attractive?
Most of those questions are stupid. But while we were cuddling, his hand was on my back, stomach, and ribs. Which is normal. But you can feel my ribs. You can see my collar bones, but you can't see my hip bones. Those are really the only signs that you can see of me changing. I've still got a long way to go though. A reeeeeaaaaly long way.
But I kept worrying that he thought I was fat. I couldn't shake it. Every time his fingers felt near my stomach, I was conscious of it. I kept sucking in my stomach, trying not to move too much. I was trying to hide and not let him see my midsection. Just in case he saw my fat, or something.
It's so stupid.
I love Cimiron more than I thought I'd ever love anyone. I am refusing to let my Eating Disorder affect my relationship with him. But I can't deny that it's there.
Earlier this week, we had our first "argument". We argue, but in a playful way. This wasn't so playful. He kept trying to get me to eat, and I kept telling him that I wasn't hungry. He said that I hadn't eaten all day, and that I needed to eat. I told him I didn't want to. Like a little kid.
Finally, he gave into me. But he said that if I wasn't going to eat, then he wasn't either. I told him that it didn't work like that. Hypocritical, I know. But just because I didn't want to eat, didn't mean he could. So he finally gave into me, and I actually didn't like it. I didn't like getting my way. In the end, I just sucked it up and ate with him, and compensated for it later.
I wish I could just disappear.
Since then, things have been pretty good. We're having a great time with each other, and I'm so happy he is here. I am enjoying his company, trying not to think about things too much. He makes that possible. Things by myself aren't so great, but I guess that's not new. I'll save that for another post, though. I'm just so stoked that Cimiron is here. <3
We talked, cuddled, played video games, had dinner with his family, and joked around. Talking and cuddling was great. Jut feeling close to him was amazing. One year is a very long time, I tell ya. I cannot wait for the day where I can talk and cuddle with him every day of the week. ^_^
We played Persona 4 and Black Ops. He totally kicked my ass in Black Ops. But it was a little bit of a fairer fight with Persona 4. I liked it. That's coming from someone who doesn't play video games.
Having dinner with his family was.. interesting. I told both him and his mom that I wasn't hungry. In the end though, I had 2 pieces of garlic bread and one 1" square of ravioli. Pretty much as little as I could get away with.
I was so stoked to hang with him. That feeling of seeing him again was incomparable to everything else. I can't really explain it. But it was good. Very, very good.
I've been trying to think about that and keep that in mind instead of my worries.
Did he think I was fat?
Did he worry about me?
Did he think I was crazy?
Did he think I was attractive?
Most of those questions are stupid. But while we were cuddling, his hand was on my back, stomach, and ribs. Which is normal. But you can feel my ribs. You can see my collar bones, but you can't see my hip bones. Those are really the only signs that you can see of me changing. I've still got a long way to go though. A reeeeeaaaaly long way.
But I kept worrying that he thought I was fat. I couldn't shake it. Every time his fingers felt near my stomach, I was conscious of it. I kept sucking in my stomach, trying not to move too much. I was trying to hide and not let him see my midsection. Just in case he saw my fat, or something.
It's so stupid.
I love Cimiron more than I thought I'd ever love anyone. I am refusing to let my Eating Disorder affect my relationship with him. But I can't deny that it's there.
Earlier this week, we had our first "argument". We argue, but in a playful way. This wasn't so playful. He kept trying to get me to eat, and I kept telling him that I wasn't hungry. He said that I hadn't eaten all day, and that I needed to eat. I told him I didn't want to. Like a little kid.
Finally, he gave into me. But he said that if I wasn't going to eat, then he wasn't either. I told him that it didn't work like that. Hypocritical, I know. But just because I didn't want to eat, didn't mean he could. So he finally gave into me, and I actually didn't like it. I didn't like getting my way. In the end, I just sucked it up and ate with him, and compensated for it later.
I wish I could just disappear.
Since then, things have been pretty good. We're having a great time with each other, and I'm so happy he is here. I am enjoying his company, trying not to think about things too much. He makes that possible. Things by myself aren't so great, but I guess that's not new. I'll save that for another post, though. I'm just so stoked that Cimiron is here. <3
Best Friends
I was supposed to go somewhere today. I was supposed to have fun, enjoy myself.
well, those plans got cancelled and my mood has just kind of plummeted. I just want to go home and spend the rest of the day in my room, on my own.
I won't want to talk to anyone, see anyone. I just want to be alone.
It's times like these where I wish I had a best friend. Someone I could go do crazy things with, hang out with when I needed to get away, laugh with. Someone with whom I could hang out with at a moment's notice, someone to make memories with, someone to just have there.
I know, I know. If I wanted a friend so bad, why did I push away the ones I had? I don't have an answer to that. Sometimes I just think it's impossible for me to have friends. I'm a little like a nomad. I don't feel like I can trust people, or if I do trust them, It's only temporarily.
Usually I don't mind it, but I just get in these moods where I want a best friend.
Where I feel lonely. I know it will pass, but still. I hate it.
I remember my freshman year, when my best friend was A. I met her in study hall. She was strange, in a sense. She wasn't like the "cookie-cutter" freshman, is what I mean. Somehow we got to talking, and I discovered that she was into Wicca, that she had a very defined personality, and that we were both kind of the same. But even if she hates me now, I am still grateful that I met her. She helped me to push my boundaries. She introduced me to new music, new ideas, helped me to step out of my comfort zone a little. That's probably what started my search for myself.
The most definitive memory I have of her and I was in Creative Arts. It was a club that we had at my school, for all things creative. That's where I first started sharing my writing, and discovered other writers. I told her a lot of things and we were great friends, or so I thought. But as I always am, I'm toxic. I ruined our friendship because I was too negative. Or at least that's what she told me right before she told me to never talk to her again. But I didn't think anything of it, not really. It's high school. Shit happens.
My sophomore year, I became best friends with K. I met her through Link Leaders at my school my Freshman year, but we didn't really become friends until my Sophomore year. People used to call me a stoner, because I used to sit by the front wall of my school. Just hang out there. For some reason, I guess I looked like a stoner. Being friends with K was easy. We were easy friends because we were both crazy, we both had the same personalities, and we both liked the same things, but yet we had differences too.
I can't really say that I have a definitive memory of K and I. There were so many. I remember when we went to the Zombie Crawl, and we had a blast. I remember when we used to go to Elitches every day in the summer, just to have fun. I remember all the sleepovers, I remember the break ups, I remember so many things. But our friendship ended as well. She told me that "She needed reliable people in her life." That's all fine and dandy, but I just didn't understand. I had always thought of myself as reliable, and when I asked other people if they thought so too, they agreed.
For whatever reason, our friendship ended. But I know that it was partly due to me. Friends just aren't my thing.
I had another friend, who I haven't known all that long, but I feel like I have known her for my entire life. I'll call her O. We were like K and I were, only O and I were friends way before that. I'm not exaggerating when I say that she saved my life. When I first started cutting, before my ED, she was there. If I called her at 3 am crying because of a fight with my dad or I thought I couldn't handle life and I wanted to die, she would come over and just sit with me and talk until I felt better. But I guess I saved her life too. She had a bad childhood, as I did. I would do the same for her, willing to be there for her through anything. As with K, I can't pin down a definitive moment in our friendship, but there are many.
I remember the time we were in Costco with her grandma, and while her grandma was checking out, we were dancing in the front of the store just because it was fun. I remember the time she helped me dye my hair purple and blue, and we dyed her hair blonde. I remember how she loved to dye her hair crazy colors. I remember when we used to walk around town after dark, and when we got free hot wings. I remember so many things from our friendship. I think she was the first girl I loved, as in more than a friend. Even though we both had boyfriends at that time. I remember when we went to homecoming, and we were dancing. We did a lot of crazy things that night. Although we had drama, I wouldn't trade her for anything. She is and always will be my best friend, even if we never hang out or talk anymore. I owe her my life, and I'd do anything for her.
But still things change.
For as many problems as I think I have, I never thought that not having a best friend/being lonely would be one of them. Sometimes I just miss my friends, and I miss having someone there. You know? I don't really ever connect with people anymore. I might have one or two people I can call a "friend" but it doesn't equate to true friendship with me. I don't necessarily connect with them.
This feeling will pass, as it always does. But I don't ever want to forget the memories.
well, those plans got cancelled and my mood has just kind of plummeted. I just want to go home and spend the rest of the day in my room, on my own.
I won't want to talk to anyone, see anyone. I just want to be alone.
It's times like these where I wish I had a best friend. Someone I could go do crazy things with, hang out with when I needed to get away, laugh with. Someone with whom I could hang out with at a moment's notice, someone to make memories with, someone to just have there.
I know, I know. If I wanted a friend so bad, why did I push away the ones I had? I don't have an answer to that. Sometimes I just think it's impossible for me to have friends. I'm a little like a nomad. I don't feel like I can trust people, or if I do trust them, It's only temporarily.
Usually I don't mind it, but I just get in these moods where I want a best friend.
Where I feel lonely. I know it will pass, but still. I hate it.
I remember my freshman year, when my best friend was A. I met her in study hall. She was strange, in a sense. She wasn't like the "cookie-cutter" freshman, is what I mean. Somehow we got to talking, and I discovered that she was into Wicca, that she had a very defined personality, and that we were both kind of the same. But even if she hates me now, I am still grateful that I met her. She helped me to push my boundaries. She introduced me to new music, new ideas, helped me to step out of my comfort zone a little. That's probably what started my search for myself.
The most definitive memory I have of her and I was in Creative Arts. It was a club that we had at my school, for all things creative. That's where I first started sharing my writing, and discovered other writers. I told her a lot of things and we were great friends, or so I thought. But as I always am, I'm toxic. I ruined our friendship because I was too negative. Or at least that's what she told me right before she told me to never talk to her again. But I didn't think anything of it, not really. It's high school. Shit happens.
My sophomore year, I became best friends with K. I met her through Link Leaders at my school my Freshman year, but we didn't really become friends until my Sophomore year. People used to call me a stoner, because I used to sit by the front wall of my school. Just hang out there. For some reason, I guess I looked like a stoner. Being friends with K was easy. We were easy friends because we were both crazy, we both had the same personalities, and we both liked the same things, but yet we had differences too.
I can't really say that I have a definitive memory of K and I. There were so many. I remember when we went to the Zombie Crawl, and we had a blast. I remember when we used to go to Elitches every day in the summer, just to have fun. I remember all the sleepovers, I remember the break ups, I remember so many things. But our friendship ended as well. She told me that "She needed reliable people in her life." That's all fine and dandy, but I just didn't understand. I had always thought of myself as reliable, and when I asked other people if they thought so too, they agreed.
For whatever reason, our friendship ended. But I know that it was partly due to me. Friends just aren't my thing.
I had another friend, who I haven't known all that long, but I feel like I have known her for my entire life. I'll call her O. We were like K and I were, only O and I were friends way before that. I'm not exaggerating when I say that she saved my life. When I first started cutting, before my ED, she was there. If I called her at 3 am crying because of a fight with my dad or I thought I couldn't handle life and I wanted to die, she would come over and just sit with me and talk until I felt better. But I guess I saved her life too. She had a bad childhood, as I did. I would do the same for her, willing to be there for her through anything. As with K, I can't pin down a definitive moment in our friendship, but there are many.
I remember the time we were in Costco with her grandma, and while her grandma was checking out, we were dancing in the front of the store just because it was fun. I remember the time she helped me dye my hair purple and blue, and we dyed her hair blonde. I remember how she loved to dye her hair crazy colors. I remember when we used to walk around town after dark, and when we got free hot wings. I remember so many things from our friendship. I think she was the first girl I loved, as in more than a friend. Even though we both had boyfriends at that time. I remember when we went to homecoming, and we were dancing. We did a lot of crazy things that night. Although we had drama, I wouldn't trade her for anything. She is and always will be my best friend, even if we never hang out or talk anymore. I owe her my life, and I'd do anything for her.
But still things change.
For as many problems as I think I have, I never thought that not having a best friend/being lonely would be one of them. Sometimes I just miss my friends, and I miss having someone there. You know? I don't really ever connect with people anymore. I might have one or two people I can call a "friend" but it doesn't equate to true friendship with me. I don't necessarily connect with them.
This feeling will pass, as it always does. But I don't ever want to forget the memories.
I'm sorry...
I've been gone for 5 days. Wow.
I usually don't skip out on my blog for this long.
I have so many things I want to write here. But I can't really do it right now. It's 12:30am here for me. So, at about 5:30am I'll be back.
Lots of things to write. Lots of things to update. Thanks for hanging in there with me. Xx
I usually don't skip out on my blog for this long.
I have so many things I want to write here. But I can't really do it right now. It's 12:30am here for me. So, at about 5:30am I'll be back.
Lots of things to write. Lots of things to update. Thanks for hanging in there with me. Xx
Sunday, June 23, 2013
What Be Happenin'?
I'm sorry that I haven't been around.
I'm just kind of all over the place right now. I don't really know anymore.
I was doing better, and I have been doing better since hanging out with my mom. It's just... She's happy. She is free, and although she has her problems, she is a fighter. She's got an infectious personality, and I just enjoy being around her.
Yesterday I went to get my passport, and when I called to make the appointment, the lady didn't tell me what I needed so I showed up unprepared. We ended up needing to go back to my house, and then to my grandmother's house to get all of the things we needed. My dad got upset that I was unprepared, and my grandpa got upset that I was unprepared and they started yelling at me. I don't know what it was about the situation that made me crack, but I couldn't stop crying. I hate it. I cry when I get really angry. Not because I'm sad. So I cancelled my appointment for yesterday, and instead went today by myself. It went better today.
But as a result of yesterday's stress and my lack of grace in handling it, I'm back to wearing pants. Which in turn kills my self esteem. Because I only like how I look in jeans if I have a baggy shirt on or a hoodie. Always. I hate wearing shorts because they ride up in the middle since I'm so fat, and my legs jiggle when I walk. Which only lowers my self esteem.
I don't understand. I'm so good at putting up a facade. Yesterday while walking to my friends house, I put my headphones in and I turned it up really loud. I started jamming out to my music, not giving two fucks who was watching. And watch people did. Some people slowed down their cars, stopped, looked at me. It made me smile, because I was confident. I didn't care what people thought of me in that moment.
That's what I think is so crazy. When I do things like that, I can project an air of confidence, which is almost believable. I can almost make myself believe it. But then other things (like wearing jeans) makes me so uncomfortable. I just.. It's confusing. You see?
Today has been a bit better than yesterday, other than my stress level. The only thing I really have to stress about is if my dad searches me. About a week ago, I mentioned to him the plans that I had with a "friend" and he wanted to see my arms. Just to make sure that I hadn't cut. Which I had one cut on my left bicep, but otherwise none that he could see. I'm stressing because he is going out of town tomorrow, which means I'll be alone for an entire day (Since both of my room mates are camping for the weekend.) I'm psyched, but I'm also nervous that my dad will search me. I don't think he knows that I cut on my legs. I think that he only assumes that I only cut on my arms. But if he checks my legs, I'm fucked. Which is my own fault. Also, he said that if he sees any more cuts on my arms/body, he is flying me to Missouri (I'm sorry if any of you live there!!). The thing is, he is gonna be working up there for a while. So he said that if I ruin his summer with my cutting, he will ruin my summer with my boyfriend. I've got plans to hang out with him on Monday, which is a whole 'nother ordeal..
So basically, my dad can't see my legs. Which I'm pretty good at hiding. But I'm just stressed.
Now, about Cimiron. I'm totally stoked that I get to hang out with him. Don't get me wrong. But there are certain parts of our relationship that make me nervous. Just because I don't know anything about it, if that makes sense. I love him, I really do. But I guess I just feel inadequate in certain parts of our relationship. I'm sure there is an easy fix to that, but I don't have access to that. If I could just never go there, I would. But that isn't possible.
He knows about my blog too. I'm not sure if he reads it still, but I know that he used to. He said that it helped him to know what I was going through, and to understand what things I wouldn't tell him. I get that, I do. I don't mind it, either. But with the good comes the bad. The bad being that now I feel like I can't write certain things here for fear that he might see them. Which is stupid, but there are just some things that I can't bring myself to tell him. Like the above thing.
Everything and everybody makes me insecure. I don't get it. It's like I'm more sensitive to everything now. Or at least for the time being. I feel sad at times, and then I find a way to just stop thinking, and suddenly I'm happier. The only problem with that is that I can't just not think all the time. I wish I could, but I can't.
One of the things that I can't help thinking is that if I'd had my mom around while I was growing up, so many things would be different. You know, all the things you learn from your mom while growing up? Or things like the little monumental moments that you have with your mom by growing up? Like going for your first bra, or learning to shave, or learning how to put on make-up. I don't know. I just never had those things. I had to learn them on my own, in my own ways. Sure, there are other people that could step in for my mom in my family. People like my grandma, or my aunt. But the fact is, I just don't feel close enough to them to ever have gone through that. I'm never comfortable around my grandma. I'm not sure why, and that doesn't really matter at the moment. I just don't feel comfortable around my family. If you asked me who I was closest to in my family, I would probably say my grandpa. But even then, I don't tell him things. I don't ask his advice. I don't tell him my secrets. It's not that kind of close. It's more like I just feel like he's a father to me.
He's always been there for me in ways that my dad never was. Which I am very grateful for. Without him, no doubt I would be a lot worse off. I live for his hugs. They are like home to me. But I know that they won't be around forever, and I'm scared for that day to come. I'm scared to lose him.
Even now, I can hardly type this through the tears streaming down my face.
I long for someone to feel close to. I have so many walls up. So many walls around my heart. I would love to let them down, and just feel close to someone. But I couldn't take them down if I tried. I don't know how. Without a doubt, Cimiron is the closest person to me, aside from my grandpa. But even then, I know there is a distance between us. I'm not just talking about the physical one either. I have never been close to people. No matter how close we may think we are, I usually don't get hurt when they walk away and leave. It's just easy for me to pick myself up and move on. No big deal. I wouldn't say It's quite like that with Cimiron, but I would be lying if I said that it wasn't a little like that. I love him, with all of my heart. I don't doubt that. But sometimes I question what it is that makes me love him so deeply. Do I love him because he's the one person that can make me feel good about myself, and not just temporarily? Do I love him because of who he is, his personality? Why? Maybe it's a little of both. Or maybe there are more reasons.
But I just get so lonely sometimes. Which makes no sense, because I've pushed people away. I've stopped talking to them. I've focused only on myself, nothing else. I've changed. But it doesn't seem like I've done that entirely. I don't want to be close to people. I don't want to share secrets with someone. I don't want to trust and get hurt yet again. Can't I just bond with someone without trusting them? It would make everything so much easier.
On yet another note, my dad left the state to go work in another state. He said he will be gone for about two months. I'm excited about this, just a little. I won't be alone on my own, because my room mates will still be here. But this is a chance for me to kind of be on my own, and live my life. To get a small break from my dad, and he can get a break from me. I think this will be good. I never thought I would say this, but I want my room mates to be back. They get back on Monday, but I want them back now because I'm feeling a little creeped out all alone in my house. I don't like this feeling. So! They went camping, and they will be back on Monday. So I have an entire day to myself, woot! What shall I do with it? Prepare for Monday? xD
So yep. That's pretty much my life right now.
I'm sure there is more, but it's 2 am and I'm a bit tired. I wasn't going to sleep, but I'm getting really tired. So I might end up doing just that. Good night!Xx
I'm just kind of all over the place right now. I don't really know anymore.
I was doing better, and I have been doing better since hanging out with my mom. It's just... She's happy. She is free, and although she has her problems, she is a fighter. She's got an infectious personality, and I just enjoy being around her.
Yesterday I went to get my passport, and when I called to make the appointment, the lady didn't tell me what I needed so I showed up unprepared. We ended up needing to go back to my house, and then to my grandmother's house to get all of the things we needed. My dad got upset that I was unprepared, and my grandpa got upset that I was unprepared and they started yelling at me. I don't know what it was about the situation that made me crack, but I couldn't stop crying. I hate it. I cry when I get really angry. Not because I'm sad. So I cancelled my appointment for yesterday, and instead went today by myself. It went better today.
But as a result of yesterday's stress and my lack of grace in handling it, I'm back to wearing pants. Which in turn kills my self esteem. Because I only like how I look in jeans if I have a baggy shirt on or a hoodie. Always. I hate wearing shorts because they ride up in the middle since I'm so fat, and my legs jiggle when I walk. Which only lowers my self esteem.
I don't understand. I'm so good at putting up a facade. Yesterday while walking to my friends house, I put my headphones in and I turned it up really loud. I started jamming out to my music, not giving two fucks who was watching. And watch people did. Some people slowed down their cars, stopped, looked at me. It made me smile, because I was confident. I didn't care what people thought of me in that moment.
That's what I think is so crazy. When I do things like that, I can project an air of confidence, which is almost believable. I can almost make myself believe it. But then other things (like wearing jeans) makes me so uncomfortable. I just.. It's confusing. You see?
Today has been a bit better than yesterday, other than my stress level. The only thing I really have to stress about is if my dad searches me. About a week ago, I mentioned to him the plans that I had with a "friend" and he wanted to see my arms. Just to make sure that I hadn't cut. Which I had one cut on my left bicep, but otherwise none that he could see. I'm stressing because he is going out of town tomorrow, which means I'll be alone for an entire day (Since both of my room mates are camping for the weekend.) I'm psyched, but I'm also nervous that my dad will search me. I don't think he knows that I cut on my legs. I think that he only assumes that I only cut on my arms. But if he checks my legs, I'm fucked. Which is my own fault. Also, he said that if he sees any more cuts on my arms/body, he is flying me to Missouri (I'm sorry if any of you live there!!). The thing is, he is gonna be working up there for a while. So he said that if I ruin his summer with my cutting, he will ruin my summer with my boyfriend. I've got plans to hang out with him on Monday, which is a whole 'nother ordeal..
So basically, my dad can't see my legs. Which I'm pretty good at hiding. But I'm just stressed.
Now, about Cimiron. I'm totally stoked that I get to hang out with him. Don't get me wrong. But there are certain parts of our relationship that make me nervous. Just because I don't know anything about it, if that makes sense. I love him, I really do. But I guess I just feel inadequate in certain parts of our relationship. I'm sure there is an easy fix to that, but I don't have access to that. If I could just never go there, I would. But that isn't possible.
He knows about my blog too. I'm not sure if he reads it still, but I know that he used to. He said that it helped him to know what I was going through, and to understand what things I wouldn't tell him. I get that, I do. I don't mind it, either. But with the good comes the bad. The bad being that now I feel like I can't write certain things here for fear that he might see them. Which is stupid, but there are just some things that I can't bring myself to tell him. Like the above thing.
Everything and everybody makes me insecure. I don't get it. It's like I'm more sensitive to everything now. Or at least for the time being. I feel sad at times, and then I find a way to just stop thinking, and suddenly I'm happier. The only problem with that is that I can't just not think all the time. I wish I could, but I can't.
One of the things that I can't help thinking is that if I'd had my mom around while I was growing up, so many things would be different. You know, all the things you learn from your mom while growing up? Or things like the little monumental moments that you have with your mom by growing up? Like going for your first bra, or learning to shave, or learning how to put on make-up. I don't know. I just never had those things. I had to learn them on my own, in my own ways. Sure, there are other people that could step in for my mom in my family. People like my grandma, or my aunt. But the fact is, I just don't feel close enough to them to ever have gone through that. I'm never comfortable around my grandma. I'm not sure why, and that doesn't really matter at the moment. I just don't feel comfortable around my family. If you asked me who I was closest to in my family, I would probably say my grandpa. But even then, I don't tell him things. I don't ask his advice. I don't tell him my secrets. It's not that kind of close. It's more like I just feel like he's a father to me.
He's always been there for me in ways that my dad never was. Which I am very grateful for. Without him, no doubt I would be a lot worse off. I live for his hugs. They are like home to me. But I know that they won't be around forever, and I'm scared for that day to come. I'm scared to lose him.
Even now, I can hardly type this through the tears streaming down my face.
I long for someone to feel close to. I have so many walls up. So many walls around my heart. I would love to let them down, and just feel close to someone. But I couldn't take them down if I tried. I don't know how. Without a doubt, Cimiron is the closest person to me, aside from my grandpa. But even then, I know there is a distance between us. I'm not just talking about the physical one either. I have never been close to people. No matter how close we may think we are, I usually don't get hurt when they walk away and leave. It's just easy for me to pick myself up and move on. No big deal. I wouldn't say It's quite like that with Cimiron, but I would be lying if I said that it wasn't a little like that. I love him, with all of my heart. I don't doubt that. But sometimes I question what it is that makes me love him so deeply. Do I love him because he's the one person that can make me feel good about myself, and not just temporarily? Do I love him because of who he is, his personality? Why? Maybe it's a little of both. Or maybe there are more reasons.
But I just get so lonely sometimes. Which makes no sense, because I've pushed people away. I've stopped talking to them. I've focused only on myself, nothing else. I've changed. But it doesn't seem like I've done that entirely. I don't want to be close to people. I don't want to share secrets with someone. I don't want to trust and get hurt yet again. Can't I just bond with someone without trusting them? It would make everything so much easier.
On yet another note, my dad left the state to go work in another state. He said he will be gone for about two months. I'm excited about this, just a little. I won't be alone on my own, because my room mates will still be here. But this is a chance for me to kind of be on my own, and live my life. To get a small break from my dad, and he can get a break from me. I think this will be good. I never thought I would say this, but I want my room mates to be back. They get back on Monday, but I want them back now because I'm feeling a little creeped out all alone in my house. I don't like this feeling. So! They went camping, and they will be back on Monday. So I have an entire day to myself, woot! What shall I do with it? Prepare for Monday? xD
So yep. That's pretty much my life right now.
I'm sure there is more, but it's 2 am and I'm a bit tired. I wasn't going to sleep, but I'm getting really tired. So I might end up doing just that. Good night!Xx
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Going Down
One 5 minute conversation with my dad has left me shaking, weak, and near a panic attack.
I asked my dad to hang out with a friend tomorrow, and he said "Let's see the arms." He wouldn't stop until I showed him my arms. There was only 1 small cut on my left bicep, but he attacked me. He told me that if he saw one more cut, he would send me to a psych ward. He only assumes that I cut on my arms, and he hasn't seen my stomach or legs. Which I guess is good.
But it's funny. When I needed help, he rejected me. Now that I don't want his help, he's watching me. I walked in the house wearing a hoodie earlier and he kept trying to ask me why I was in a hoodie. I just told him I felt like wearing one. The truth? I felt too fat to be seen without it.
I just... This feels wrong. I don't want him to know my secret. I don't want him to know anything. I don't want him to find my blog, or realize I have an ED. No way in hell. But I guess as long as I don't say anything, I should be fine, right?
It's too much to handle. This, people knowing, feeling shoved out of my family, my toxic thoughts. It's all too much to handle... Which makes me want to reach for my blade again.
Why can't I just disappear?
I asked my dad to hang out with a friend tomorrow, and he said "Let's see the arms." He wouldn't stop until I showed him my arms. There was only 1 small cut on my left bicep, but he attacked me. He told me that if he saw one more cut, he would send me to a psych ward. He only assumes that I cut on my arms, and he hasn't seen my stomach or legs. Which I guess is good.
But it's funny. When I needed help, he rejected me. Now that I don't want his help, he's watching me. I walked in the house wearing a hoodie earlier and he kept trying to ask me why I was in a hoodie. I just told him I felt like wearing one. The truth? I felt too fat to be seen without it.
I just... This feels wrong. I don't want him to know my secret. I don't want him to know anything. I don't want him to find my blog, or realize I have an ED. No way in hell. But I guess as long as I don't say anything, I should be fine, right?
It's too much to handle. This, people knowing, feeling shoved out of my family, my toxic thoughts. It's all too much to handle... Which makes me want to reach for my blade again.
Why can't I just disappear?
Fighting Is What I Know
I've got so many thoughts and not enough will to express them.
I feel hopeless, if I'm honest. I feel defeated, pissed off, and tired.
I'm tired of everything.
I want to fight. I want to honestly fight with someone. Doesn't really matter who, or what we fight about. I just need the conflict. It doesn't make sense.
What to do?
I feel hopeless, if I'm honest. I feel defeated, pissed off, and tired.
I'm tired of everything.
I want to fight. I want to honestly fight with someone. Doesn't really matter who, or what we fight about. I just need the conflict. It doesn't make sense.
What to do?
Ugh.
Some Reeses Pieces, two cans of Coca-Cola, 1 bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and 1 piece of cake later...
I'm going for a run.
I'll assess the damage in the morning.
I'm going for a run.
I'll assess the damage in the morning.
Random Update
My days are a constant. They aren't really changing.
Not that I'm complaining, it's just crazy, is all.
Right now, I would say I'm high off of blood loss, starvation, and sleep deprivation. I've been this way for a while now, and I never want to go back.
I think I'm going to go make some french toast. Easily my favorite food that my grandpa and I cook. <3
Not that I'm complaining, it's just crazy, is all.
Right now, I would say I'm high off of blood loss, starvation, and sleep deprivation. I've been this way for a while now, and I never want to go back.
I think I'm going to go make some french toast. Easily my favorite food that my grandpa and I cook. <3
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Kill Paradise
Last night was AMAZING!!!
I went to a Kill Paradise concert and I was so stoked to be there. I love their music, their beats.
So catchy. :D
I went with my friend A. Although I almost got kicked out, and I got in some trouble, it was so much fun.
I love going to concerts. :D
So far I've been to 7 concerts. Aerosmith and ZZ Topp were my first concert. Then there was Ozzy Osbourne, Lindsey Stirling (twice), Defy You Stars, Kill Paradise (twice), Brit Floyd, The Austrailian Pink Floyd, As I Lay Dying, Shinedown, Saving Abel, and I've been to HeavenFest a few times. There are so many bands there every year that I just can't remember them all. xD I'm really lucky. ^_^
Does anyone else get so pumped up off of the feeling of the musicians? Their energy? I do. So yes! That's what I did yesterday and it was FANTASTIC!! :D
I don't think I can say that enough. Sadly, I don't have any footage of the concert, or pics, but I might be able to rectify that. So far, my summer is turning out pretty well.
Ohh... And did I mention that there's only 7 days until Cimiron is here?! Yup. One week. I'm so very excited. :D ^_^
How's life in your neck of the woods? xD
I went to a Kill Paradise concert and I was so stoked to be there. I love their music, their beats.
So catchy. :D
I went with my friend A. Although I almost got kicked out, and I got in some trouble, it was so much fun.
I love going to concerts. :D
So far I've been to 7 concerts. Aerosmith and ZZ Topp were my first concert. Then there was Ozzy Osbourne, Lindsey Stirling (twice), Defy You Stars, Kill Paradise (twice), Brit Floyd, The Austrailian Pink Floyd, As I Lay Dying, Shinedown, Saving Abel, and I've been to HeavenFest a few times. There are so many bands there every year that I just can't remember them all. xD I'm really lucky. ^_^
Does anyone else get so pumped up off of the feeling of the musicians? Their energy? I do. So yes! That's what I did yesterday and it was FANTASTIC!! :D
I don't think I can say that enough. Sadly, I don't have any footage of the concert, or pics, but I might be able to rectify that. So far, my summer is turning out pretty well.
Ohh... And did I mention that there's only 7 days until Cimiron is here?! Yup. One week. I'm so very excited. :D ^_^
How's life in your neck of the woods? xD
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Words Are Bullets..
But they don't always bounce away.
"My tie dye [shirts] don't fit me anymore since they're too big. But they fit you perfectly!"
"Someone's got the munchies... Damn."
"My clothes wouldn't fit you. They're not big enough."
"You hungry?"
"You're normal. There's nothing wrong with you."
"Could be worse."
"You know it's here if you want it."
Every comment... Every syllable, every letter.
They stick in my head. Remind me. Every damn time, and they never go away.
I don't have a safe haven.
Everything is crashing down around me or people are taking direct aim at me. I don't have a voice here.
Meth? No big deal.
But I don't have a voice. Before I started smoking weed, I cringed at the thought of drugs and going that route. I swore that I would never do drugs of any kind. But weed changed everything.
I've only been here 3 hours, and already I want to cut again. I want to cut off my skin, die. I want to disappear.
Everything is a bullet. Everything is a hit. Maybe not to an outsider.. But.. I just want everything to end..
"My tie dye [shirts] don't fit me anymore since they're too big. But they fit you perfectly!"
"Someone's got the munchies... Damn."
"My clothes wouldn't fit you. They're not big enough."
"You hungry?"
"You're normal. There's nothing wrong with you."
"Could be worse."
"You know it's here if you want it."
Every comment... Every syllable, every letter.
They stick in my head. Remind me. Every damn time, and they never go away.
I don't have a safe haven.
Everything is crashing down around me or people are taking direct aim at me. I don't have a voice here.
Meth? No big deal.
But I don't have a voice. Before I started smoking weed, I cringed at the thought of drugs and going that route. I swore that I would never do drugs of any kind. But weed changed everything.
I've only been here 3 hours, and already I want to cut again. I want to cut off my skin, die. I want to disappear.
Everything is a bullet. Everything is a hit. Maybe not to an outsider.. But.. I just want everything to end..
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Emotional Thunder On The Horizon..
I'm at an awkward point right now emotionally. On the one hand, I feel angry and pissed off; Murderous. But I'm also satisfied that I don't feel the need to tell everyone everything. (My blog is excluded.)
On the other hand - I feel sad, lost, empty, numb, broken, hopeless. But they all kind of blend together - the good and the bad feelings. So they leave me stuck in the middle of Nowhereland.
I'm still trying to work out how to be positive, or more optimistic/less pessemistic. Which is why my posts might be whack right now.
Either that or I'm a quack. I'm probably a quack. xD Woot.
Anyways, so there you have it. The emotional storm that's been a brewin'. I'm sure It'll be over soon. Or not. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
On the other hand - I feel sad, lost, empty, numb, broken, hopeless. But they all kind of blend together - the good and the bad feelings. So they leave me stuck in the middle of Nowhereland.
I'm still trying to work out how to be positive, or more optimistic/less pessemistic. Which is why my posts might be whack right now.
Either that or I'm a quack. I'm probably a quack. xD Woot.
Anyways, so there you have it. The emotional storm that's been a brewin'. I'm sure It'll be over soon. Or not. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Emotional Thunder n' Rants
I'll be honest.
Yesterday I felt down. Not necessarily into suicide territory, but just so sad.
It's a mixture of fear, anticipation, loneliness, anger, and just a deep sorrow.
I can't really explain it. It has hung around so much.
Earlier I was wearing a white shirt and I was drinking some Dr. Pepper in the car. My grandpa decided to fuck with me, even after I told him I wanted a drink. So he decided to slam on his breaks, several times while I was trying to drink. Long story short - it spilled all over me. In white.
Once we got home, I ran inside and changed, grabbed my blades, and told them I was going for a walk.
I was hoping that walking would distract me, but it didn't. Not so much.
Earlier (before the whole incident with my grandpa), my dad saw some of my cuts. The one he pointed out is the one that says 'fat' carved into my left bicep. He goes 'I thought we were done with this cutting bullshit.' He also asked me why I had done it, which I don't have an answer for. There's no way I could ever make anyone understand why I do it, unless you've been there.
It took everything I had not to laugh in his face or reach for the blades again. I've got to be really careful now. The cut I had from the middle of May is still healing. But now I've got dozens of more to deal with, and probably more to follow.
I'm in such a concentrated state with my self destruction, I don't think anyone can pull me out. Cimiron maybe.. But he doesn't have the keys. He can't, therefore, save me.
Oops. Did I say save me? My bad. I don't need saving. He could help me get out of here. But this.. Self destruction.
It's what I'm good at. It's what I know. It's natural for me.
I'm crazy. A quack.
If I wasn't, I wouldn't find pleasure or satisfaction is harming myself.
I don't really know where this post is going.. I'm just writing. It feels good.. But this post doesn't make sense. Lol sorry..
Yesterday I felt down. Not necessarily into suicide territory, but just so sad.
It's a mixture of fear, anticipation, loneliness, anger, and just a deep sorrow.
I can't really explain it. It has hung around so much.
Earlier I was wearing a white shirt and I was drinking some Dr. Pepper in the car. My grandpa decided to fuck with me, even after I told him I wanted a drink. So he decided to slam on his breaks, several times while I was trying to drink. Long story short - it spilled all over me. In white.
Once we got home, I ran inside and changed, grabbed my blades, and told them I was going for a walk.
I was hoping that walking would distract me, but it didn't. Not so much.
Earlier (before the whole incident with my grandpa), my dad saw some of my cuts. The one he pointed out is the one that says 'fat' carved into my left bicep. He goes 'I thought we were done with this cutting bullshit.' He also asked me why I had done it, which I don't have an answer for. There's no way I could ever make anyone understand why I do it, unless you've been there.
It took everything I had not to laugh in his face or reach for the blades again. I've got to be really careful now. The cut I had from the middle of May is still healing. But now I've got dozens of more to deal with, and probably more to follow.
I'm in such a concentrated state with my self destruction, I don't think anyone can pull me out. Cimiron maybe.. But he doesn't have the keys. He can't, therefore, save me.
Oops. Did I say save me? My bad. I don't need saving. He could help me get out of here. But this.. Self destruction.
It's what I'm good at. It's what I know. It's natural for me.
I'm crazy. A quack.
If I wasn't, I wouldn't find pleasure or satisfaction is harming myself.
I don't really know where this post is going.. I'm just writing. It feels good.. But this post doesn't make sense. Lol sorry..
Monday, June 10, 2013
Unwanted What Else Is New?
Even my mom doesn't want me around.
Great.
Her reasons make sense, I don't disagree.
But just.. I guess it's good to know the truth. I guess I just need to realize and deal with it for the next 8 months. Then I can leave, and I can say fuck you to everything here. I can move out on my own, and I don't have to deal with anyone else.
Great.
Her reasons make sense, I don't disagree.
But just.. I guess it's good to know the truth. I guess I just need to realize and deal with it for the next 8 months. Then I can leave, and I can say fuck you to everything here. I can move out on my own, and I don't have to deal with anyone else.
Never Too Early
In 3 or so hours, I can wake up and actually start my day, whereas right now im supposed to be sleeping.
I'm really pumped for today. I feel like I can do anything (and it's all natural - no drugs involved). xD
I have music in my ears, I'm gonna be trying to get a job, which will put me closer to moving out of here when I turn 18. I am so excited.
I really would like to get some more music though. So if you'd like to, comment down below some of your favorite artists/bands and I would appreciate it! (:
I function better when I'm starving and tired. I don't know why, but I do. Take right now, for example. I feel perfectly happy, content, relaxed. It's an amazing feeling. But as soon as I start thinking, I start falling. /:
I'm not sure what I'll do later today, or in 2.5 hours when I actually get up. I might be hanging out with my mom again. :D That's always tons of fun. I'm also gonna be job hunting, and possibly going swimming. I guess I'll see. (:
I'm really pumped for today. I feel like I can do anything (and it's all natural - no drugs involved). xD
I have music in my ears, I'm gonna be trying to get a job, which will put me closer to moving out of here when I turn 18. I am so excited.
I really would like to get some more music though. So if you'd like to, comment down below some of your favorite artists/bands and I would appreciate it! (:
I function better when I'm starving and tired. I don't know why, but I do. Take right now, for example. I feel perfectly happy, content, relaxed. It's an amazing feeling. But as soon as I start thinking, I start falling. /:
I'm not sure what I'll do later today, or in 2.5 hours when I actually get up. I might be hanging out with my mom again. :D That's always tons of fun. I'm also gonna be job hunting, and possibly going swimming. I guess I'll see. (:
Don't forget me..
I'm scared to be forgotten...
I think that is my reason for playing the violin, writing a blog, writing poetry, etc. That's the only reason. So that nobody will forget me. Except, I haven't done a good enough job to stand out in any of those...
I'm 17, and I've managed to accomplish nothing. I will be forgotten... Even if someone knows me 3 years from now, that's 20 years that will be lost, and that will never be remembered.
I don't want to die forgotten.. It just seems so sad.. /:
I think that is my reason for playing the violin, writing a blog, writing poetry, etc. That's the only reason. So that nobody will forget me. Except, I haven't done a good enough job to stand out in any of those...
I'm 17, and I've managed to accomplish nothing. I will be forgotten... Even if someone knows me 3 years from now, that's 20 years that will be lost, and that will never be remembered.
I don't want to die forgotten.. It just seems so sad.. /:
WANTED
I've got a few poems laying around, and I need to pick the best one. Would anyone here be willing to read them, give me constructive criticism, and give some input on which is the most well written?
I'm a bit biased, and a bit unable to determine it on my own, which is why I turned to Blogger.
If anyone is willing to help, I'd greatly appreciate it. (:
I'm a bit biased, and a bit unable to determine it on my own, which is why I turned to Blogger.
If anyone is willing to help, I'd greatly appreciate it. (:
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Runnin'
My heart's beating faster,
I know what I'm after,
I've been standing here my whole life,
Everything I seen twice,
Now it's time I realize,
It's bending back around now,
On this road I'm drawin',
Save me cuz I'm falling,
I can't seem to breathe right,
Cuz I keep running,
Running (x8),
Running from my heart.
Round and around I go,
Addicted to the numb livin' in the cold,
The higher,
The lower,
The down down down.
Sick of being tired and sick in bed,
For another kind of fix,
The damage is damning me down,
Down, down..
Usually people say to listen to your heart, because it's there that you'll find the answer. I never understood that, even as a little kid. I never felt anything in my heart.
I get the constant feeling that I'm running. Speeding. Towards what though? Destruction? Protection?
"Addicted to the numb living in the cold."
Without that numb, I fear what I might have been, or where I might have ended up. The 'numb' feeling saved me.
My numb is found in living in a different kind of cold, but both are capable of killing.
So what do I really want?
What am I not allowing myself to see?
What am I hiding about myself that I refuse to acknowledge?
I know what I'm after,
I've been standing here my whole life,
Everything I seen twice,
Now it's time I realize,
It's bending back around now,
On this road I'm drawin',
Save me cuz I'm falling,
I can't seem to breathe right,
Cuz I keep running,
Running (x8),
Running from my heart.
Round and around I go,
Addicted to the numb livin' in the cold,
The higher,
The lower,
The down down down.
Sick of being tired and sick in bed,
For another kind of fix,
The damage is damning me down,
Down, down..
Usually people say to listen to your heart, because it's there that you'll find the answer. I never understood that, even as a little kid. I never felt anything in my heart.
I get the constant feeling that I'm running. Speeding. Towards what though? Destruction? Protection?
"Addicted to the numb living in the cold."
Without that numb, I fear what I might have been, or where I might have ended up. The 'numb' feeling saved me.
My numb is found in living in a different kind of cold, but both are capable of killing.
So what do I really want?
What am I not allowing myself to see?
What am I hiding about myself that I refuse to acknowledge?
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Rant
Have I ever mentioned how much I don't want to be here?
I really need to rant about my dad for a second. So if you don't want to hear/read it, skip this next paragraph.
He's suspicious of me, even when I don't have anything to hide. So when I DO actually have things to hide, well, it's hell. Earlier he came into my room and asked if I smoked pot. I was stoned, so I had to keep a distance from him. When I told him that I didn't, he asked S's son, who lives one room over from me. He also said no.
He's an asshole too. He was talking to S about our trip to Hawaii and he said 'I can't wait to go this next time, and be by myself. I would have gone last time, but I had Camille, and well, you know.' He also said that he was taking me to Ampsterdam so that I could babysit. I mean, c'mon! If those two things can be said in the same breath, well then fuck you.
He keeps on making comments on the food I eat, whether I'm not hungry, what I eat, my appearance.
Fuck him. I try to block it out, but it isn't enough.
I have so many things to hide from him. I try so much to hide them too. It isn't like I flaunt them.
My ED, my laxatives, my blades, my scale, my weed, my cuts, my depression, being suicidal, my mom, etc. So many things to hide from everyone. If they find out one secret, they will find out the rest in the same breath.
I know I said that this is my game, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
It's taking it's toll on me. I'm starting to fall again.
But I'll just keep my head up and pretend I'm okay. I always do, and I always will. I have never known it any other way.
I really need to rant about my dad for a second. So if you don't want to hear/read it, skip this next paragraph.
He's suspicious of me, even when I don't have anything to hide. So when I DO actually have things to hide, well, it's hell. Earlier he came into my room and asked if I smoked pot. I was stoned, so I had to keep a distance from him. When I told him that I didn't, he asked S's son, who lives one room over from me. He also said no.
He's an asshole too. He was talking to S about our trip to Hawaii and he said 'I can't wait to go this next time, and be by myself. I would have gone last time, but I had Camille, and well, you know.' He also said that he was taking me to Ampsterdam so that I could babysit. I mean, c'mon! If those two things can be said in the same breath, well then fuck you.
He keeps on making comments on the food I eat, whether I'm not hungry, what I eat, my appearance.
Fuck him. I try to block it out, but it isn't enough.
I have so many things to hide from him. I try so much to hide them too. It isn't like I flaunt them.
My ED, my laxatives, my blades, my scale, my weed, my cuts, my depression, being suicidal, my mom, etc. So many things to hide from everyone. If they find out one secret, they will find out the rest in the same breath.
I know I said that this is my game, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
It's taking it's toll on me. I'm starting to fall again.
But I'll just keep my head up and pretend I'm okay. I always do, and I always will. I have never known it any other way.
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