First Time In A Year

Monday was the first time I've seen my boyfriend in a year. We had a great night.
We talked, cuddled, played video games, had dinner with his family, and joked around. Talking and cuddling was great. Jut feeling close to him was amazing. One year is a very long time, I tell ya. I cannot wait for the day where I can talk and cuddle with him every day of the week. ^_^
We played Persona 4 and Black Ops. He totally kicked my ass in Black Ops. But it was a little bit of a fairer fight with Persona 4. I liked it. That's coming from someone who doesn't play video games.
Having dinner with his family was.. interesting. I told both him and his mom that I wasn't hungry. In the end though, I had 2 pieces of garlic bread and one 1" square of ravioli. Pretty much as little as I could get away with.
I was so stoked to hang with him. That feeling of seeing him again was incomparable to everything else. I can't really explain it. But it was good. Very, very good.

I've been trying to think about that and keep that in mind instead of my worries.
Did he think I was fat?
Did he worry about me?
Did he think I was crazy?
Did he think I was attractive?
Most of those questions are stupid. But while we were cuddling, his hand was on my back, stomach, and ribs. Which is normal. But you can feel my ribs. You can see my collar bones, but you can't see my hip bones. Those are really the only signs that you can see of me changing. I've still got a long way to go though. A reeeeeaaaaly long way.
But I kept worrying that he thought I was fat. I couldn't shake it. Every time his fingers felt near my stomach, I was conscious of it. I kept sucking in my stomach, trying not to move too much. I was trying to hide and not let him see my midsection. Just in case he saw my fat, or something.
It's so stupid.
I love Cimiron more than I thought I'd ever love anyone. I am refusing to let my Eating Disorder affect my relationship with him. But I can't deny that it's there.
Earlier this week, we had our first "argument". We argue, but in a playful way. This wasn't so playful. He kept trying to get me to eat, and I kept telling him that I wasn't hungry. He said that I hadn't eaten all day, and that I needed to eat. I told him I didn't want to. Like a little kid.
Finally, he gave into me. But he said that if I wasn't going to eat, then he wasn't either. I told him that it didn't work like that. Hypocritical, I know. But just because I didn't want to eat, didn't mean he could. So he finally gave into me, and I actually didn't like it. I didn't like getting my way. In the end, I just sucked it up and ate with him, and compensated for it later.
I wish I could just disappear.

Since then, things have been pretty good. We're having a great time with each other, and I'm so happy he is here. I am enjoying his company, trying not to think about things too much. He makes that possible. Things by myself aren't so great, but I guess that's not new. I'll save that for another post, though. I'm just so stoked that Cimiron is here. <3