Rant

Have I ever mentioned how much I don't want to be here?
I really need to rant about my dad for a second. So if you don't want to hear/read it, skip this next paragraph.
He's suspicious of me, even when I don't have anything to hide. So when I DO actually have things to hide, well, it's hell. Earlier he came into my room and asked if I smoked pot. I was stoned, so I had to keep a distance from him. When I told him that I didn't, he asked S's son, who lives one room over from me. He also said no.
He's an asshole too. He was talking to S about our trip to Hawaii and he said 'I can't wait to go this next time, and be by myself. I would have gone last time, but I had Camille, and well, you know.' He also said that he was taking me to Ampsterdam so that I could babysit. I mean, c'mon! If those two things can be said in the same breath, well then fuck you.
He keeps on making comments on the food I eat, whether I'm not hungry, what I eat, my appearance.
Fuck him. I try to block it out, but it isn't enough.

I have so many things to hide from him. I try so much to hide them too. It isn't like I flaunt them.
My ED, my laxatives, my blades, my scale, my weed, my cuts, my depression, being suicidal, my mom, etc. So many things to hide from everyone. If they find out one secret, they will find out the rest in the same breath.
I know I said that this is my game, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
It's taking it's toll on me. I'm starting to fall again.
But I'll just keep my head up and pretend I'm okay. I always do, and I always will. I have never known it any other way.