What Be Happenin'?

I'm sorry that I haven't been around.
I'm just kind of all over the place right now. I don't really know anymore.

I was doing better, and I have been doing better since hanging out with my mom. It's just... She's happy. She is free, and although she has her problems, she is a fighter. She's got an infectious personality, and I just enjoy being around her.

Yesterday I went to get my passport, and when I called to make the appointment, the lady didn't tell me what I needed so I showed up unprepared. We ended up needing to go back to my house, and then to my grandmother's house to get all of the things we needed. My dad got upset that I was unprepared, and my grandpa got upset that I was unprepared and they started yelling at me. I don't know what it was about the situation that made me crack, but I couldn't stop crying. I hate it. I cry when I get really angry. Not because I'm sad. So I cancelled my appointment for yesterday, and instead went today by myself. It went better today.
But as a result of yesterday's stress and my lack of grace in handling it, I'm back to wearing pants. Which in turn kills my self esteem. Because I only like how I look in jeans if I have a baggy shirt on or a hoodie. Always. I hate wearing shorts because they ride up in the middle since I'm so fat, and my legs jiggle when I walk. Which only lowers my self esteem.
I don't understand. I'm so good at putting up a facade. Yesterday while walking to my friends house, I put my headphones in and I turned it up really loud. I started jamming out to my music, not giving two fucks who was watching. And watch people did. Some people slowed down their cars, stopped, looked at me. It made me smile, because I was confident. I didn't care what people thought of me in that moment.
That's what I think is so crazy. When I do things like that, I can project an air of confidence, which is almost believable. I can almost make myself believe it. But then other things (like wearing jeans) makes me so uncomfortable. I just.. It's confusing. You see?
Today has been a bit better than yesterday, other than my stress level. The only thing I really have to stress about is if my dad searches me. About a week ago, I mentioned to him the plans that I had with a "friend" and he wanted to see my arms. Just to make sure that I hadn't cut. Which I had one cut on my left bicep, but otherwise none that he could see. I'm stressing because he is going out of town tomorrow, which means I'll be alone for an entire day (Since both of my room mates are camping for the weekend.) I'm psyched, but I'm also nervous that my dad will search me. I don't think he knows that I cut on my legs. I think that he only assumes that I only cut on my arms. But if he checks my legs, I'm fucked. Which is my own fault. Also, he said that if he sees any more cuts on my arms/body, he is flying me to Missouri (I'm sorry if any of you live there!!). The thing is, he is gonna be working up there for a while. So he said that if I ruin his summer with my cutting, he will ruin my summer with my boyfriend. I've got plans to hang out with him on Monday, which is a whole 'nother ordeal..
So basically, my dad can't see my legs. Which I'm pretty good at hiding. But I'm just stressed.

Now, about Cimiron. I'm totally stoked that I get to hang out with him. Don't get me wrong. But there are certain parts of our relationship that make me nervous. Just because I don't know  anything about it, if that makes sense. I love him, I really do. But I guess I just feel inadequate in certain parts of our relationship. I'm sure there is an easy fix to that, but I don't have access to that. If I could just never go there, I would. But that isn't possible.
He knows about my blog too. I'm not sure if he reads it still, but I know that he used to. He said that it helped him to know what I was going through, and to understand what things I wouldn't tell him. I get that, I do. I don't mind it, either. But with the good comes the bad. The bad being that now I feel like I can't write certain things here for fear that he might see them. Which is stupid, but there are just some things that I can't bring myself to tell him. Like the above thing.

Everything and everybody makes me insecure. I don't get it. It's like I'm more sensitive to everything now. Or at least for the time being. I feel sad at times, and then I find a way to just stop thinking, and suddenly I'm happier. The only problem with that is that I can't just not think all the time. I wish I could, but I can't.
One of the things that I can't help thinking is that if I'd had my mom around while I was growing up, so many things would be different. You know, all the things you learn from your mom while growing up? Or things like the little monumental moments that you have with your mom by growing up? Like going for your first bra, or learning to shave, or learning how to put on make-up. I don't know. I just never had those things. I had to learn them on my own, in my own ways. Sure, there are other people that could step in for my mom in my family. People like my grandma, or my aunt. But the fact is, I just don't feel close enough to them to ever have gone through that. I'm never comfortable around my grandma. I'm not sure why, and that doesn't really matter at the moment. I just don't feel comfortable around my family. If you asked me who I was closest to in my family, I would probably say my grandpa. But even then, I don't tell him things. I don't ask his advice. I don't tell him my secrets. It's not that kind of close. It's more like I just feel like he's a father to me.
He's always been there for me in ways that my dad never was. Which I am very grateful for. Without him, no doubt I would be a lot worse off. I live for his hugs. They are like home to me. But I know that they won't be around forever, and I'm scared for that day to come. I'm scared to lose him.
Even now, I can hardly type this through the tears streaming down my face.

I long for someone to feel close to. I have so many walls up. So many walls around my heart. I would love to let them down, and just feel close to someone. But I couldn't take them down if I tried. I don't know how. Without a doubt, Cimiron is the closest person to me, aside from my grandpa. But even then, I know there is a distance between us. I'm not just talking about the physical one either. I have never been close to people. No matter how close we may think we are, I usually don't get hurt when they walk away and leave. It's just easy for me to pick myself up and move on. No big deal. I wouldn't say It's quite like that with Cimiron, but I would be lying if I said that it wasn't a little like that. I love him, with all of my heart. I don't doubt that. But sometimes I question what it is that makes me love him so deeply. Do I love him because he's the one person that can make me feel good about myself, and not just temporarily? Do I love him because of who he is, his personality? Why? Maybe it's a little of both. Or maybe there are more reasons.
But I just get so lonely sometimes. Which makes no sense, because I've pushed people away. I've stopped talking to them. I've focused only on myself, nothing else. I've changed. But it doesn't seem like I've done that entirely. I don't want to be close to people. I don't want to share secrets with someone. I don't want to trust and get hurt yet again. Can't I just bond with someone without trusting them? It would make everything so much easier.

On yet another note, my dad left the state to go work in another state. He said he will be gone for about two months. I'm excited about this, just a little. I won't be alone on my own, because my room mates will still be here. But this is a chance for me to kind of be on my own, and live my life. To get a small break from my dad, and he can get a break from me. I think this will be good. I never thought I would say this, but I want my room mates to be back. They get back on Monday, but I want them back now because I'm feeling a little creeped out all alone in my house. I don't like this feeling. So! They went camping, and they will be back on Monday. So I have an entire day to myself, woot! What shall I do with it? Prepare for Monday? xD

So yep. That's pretty much my life right now.
I'm sure there is more, but it's 2 am and I'm a bit tired. I wasn't going to sleep, but I'm getting really tired. So I might end up doing just that. Good night!Xx