Best Friends

I was supposed to go somewhere today. I was supposed to have fun, enjoy myself.
well, those plans got cancelled and my mood has just kind of plummeted. I just want to go home and spend the rest of the day in my room, on my own.
I won't want to talk to anyone, see anyone. I just want to be alone.
It's times like these where I wish I had a best friend. Someone I could go do crazy things with, hang out with when I needed to get away, laugh with. Someone with whom I could hang out with at a moment's notice, someone to make memories with, someone to just have there.

I know, I know. If I wanted a friend so bad, why did I push away the ones I had? I don't have an answer to that. Sometimes I just think it's impossible for me to have friends. I'm a little like a nomad. I don't feel like I can trust people, or if I do trust them, It's only temporarily.
Usually I don't mind it, but I just get in these moods where I want a best friend.
Where I feel lonely. I know it will pass, but still. I hate it.

I remember my freshman year, when my best friend was A. I met her in study hall. She was strange, in a sense. She wasn't like the "cookie-cutter" freshman, is what I mean. Somehow we got to talking, and I discovered that she was into Wicca, that she had a very defined personality, and that we were both kind of the same. But even if she hates me now, I am still grateful that I met her. She helped me to push my boundaries. She introduced me to new music, new ideas, helped me to step out of my comfort zone a little. That's probably what started my search for myself.
The most definitive memory I have of her and I was in Creative Arts. It was a club that we had at my school, for all things creative. That's where I first started sharing my writing, and discovered other writers. I told her a lot of things and we were great friends, or so I thought. But as I always am, I'm toxic. I ruined our friendship because I was too negative. Or at least that's what she told me right before she told me to never talk to her again. But I didn't think anything of it, not really. It's high school. Shit happens.

My sophomore year, I became best friends with K. I met her through Link Leaders at my school my Freshman year, but we didn't really become friends until my Sophomore year. People used to call me a stoner, because I used to sit by the front wall of my school. Just hang out there. For some reason, I guess I looked like a stoner. Being friends with K was easy. We were easy friends because we were both crazy, we both had the same personalities, and we both liked the same things, but yet we had differences too.
I can't really say that I have a definitive memory of K and I. There were so many. I remember when we went to the Zombie Crawl, and we had a blast. I remember when we used to go to Elitches every day in the summer, just to have fun. I remember all the sleepovers, I remember the break ups, I remember so many things.  But our friendship ended as well. She told me that "She needed reliable people in her life." That's all fine and dandy, but I just didn't understand. I had always thought of myself as reliable, and when I asked other people if they thought so too, they agreed.
For whatever reason, our friendship ended. But I know that it was partly due to me. Friends just aren't my thing.

I had another friend, who I haven't known all that long, but I feel like I have known her for my entire life. I'll call her O. We were like K and I were, only O and I were friends way before that. I'm not exaggerating when I say that she saved my life. When I first started cutting, before my ED, she was there. If I called her at 3 am crying because of a fight with my dad or I thought I couldn't handle life and I wanted to die, she would come over and just sit with me and talk until I felt better. But I guess I saved her life too. She had a bad childhood, as I did. I would do the same for her, willing to be there for her through anything. As with K, I can't pin down a definitive moment in our friendship, but there are many.
I remember the time we were in Costco with her grandma, and while her grandma was checking out, we were dancing in the front of the store just because it was fun. I remember the time she helped me dye my hair purple and blue, and we dyed her hair blonde. I remember how she loved to dye her hair crazy colors. I remember when we used to walk around town after dark, and when we got free hot wings. I remember so many things from our friendship. I think she was the first girl I loved, as in more than a friend. Even though we both had boyfriends at that time. I remember when we went to homecoming, and we were dancing. We did a lot of crazy things that night. Although we had drama, I wouldn't trade her for anything. She is and always will be my best friend, even if we never hang out or talk anymore. I owe her my life, and I'd do anything for her.

But still things change.

For as many problems as I think I have, I never thought that not having a best friend/being lonely would be one of them. Sometimes I just miss my friends, and I miss having someone there. You know? I don't really ever connect with people anymore. I might have one or two people I can call a "friend" but it doesn't equate to true friendship with me. I don't necessarily connect with them.

This feeling will pass, as it always does. But I don't ever want to forget the memories.