Open The Floodgates

I guess since I last properly updated, some things have changed.
After I had the fight with my mom, I stopped talking to her for a few days. I honestly couldn't believe some of the things she said to me, and sure enough, as I expected she apologized and wanted to be back to normal a few days later. The thing is, I can't just forget. She always does this, and I know she is bipolar... But seriously. I haven't been up to see her since then, and I don't plan to anytime soon. It's like as soon as we are on okay-ish terms, she says something to fuck it up.
Yesterday I had set an alarm on my phone in the morning so that I could get up and go visit my brother in prison. But when the alarm sounded, I didn't wake up. I woke up about the same time I should have been at the prison, and the amount of anger and sadness I felt over that still hasn't gone away. I don't know why it is so hard for me to make it down to visit him, but it is. I promised myself that I would write to him, but I still haven't. Why?
I don't know.
Maybe it is because I have so much to say to him, and writing it all out just seems too hard. I wouldn't even know where to begin, and I am pretty sure he wouldn't even care to know everything I want to tell him. Maybe I am keeping myself from writing to him because of the guilt I feel over the time that's passed since I last wrote to him. I wish I could call him, but I can't. He would have to call me, and I don't know how to go about that. I still don't have a job either, so I don't really have money to put on his books for him to call me, but I would still do it. With every day that passes though, I don't forget. I know just how terrible of a sister I am, especially since I only have these chances until December. In December he is transferring to another facility, which will be good for him in terms of getting "good time", but bad for me because then I won't ever be able to see him.
I only wish he knew how sorry I was.

I have been having some issues with my body. I remember writing that I was on my period about a week ago, and since then some things have happened that kind of freak me out. I don't even know how to ask about it, so I did some research on the internet and didn't really get anywhere with it. It gives me anxiety, because while I refuse to go to the doctor, I also don't want there to be something seriously wrong with me. Y'know? I mean, I know I have some undiagnosed issues, probably things that could easily be fixed. But as long as I don't hear that something is wrong from a doctor, I can assume that it isn't happening, Stupid, I know. But that's what I am trying to pretend anyways.

I have been trying to get a job, since I quit working at my last one. I have applied at a total of three places, however I have an interview on October 6th. While that's good, I need a job now so that I can start working and have money to keep paying for nights in a hotel. Otherwise the only option I have is sleeping in my boyfriend's car, and since I am always cold anyways, that idea isn't very appealing to me. But if it has to happen, it does. I guess it's good that we bought a bunch of blankets a while ago. But I am still not looking forward to it.
I guess all I can do is wait until October 6th and hope I get the job. The other catch to getting that job though is that I have to pass a drug test. I smoke quite a bit of weed with my boyfriend, so that's why it is complicated. I have never had to "fake" a drug test, and this will be the first job I have applied to in which they actually DO test for the use of drugs. I believe they do mouth swabs though, which are easy enough to get around. I just have to quit smoking for a few days before the interview, and I sure hope it works. I just want that date to come sooner, so that I can start saving money and having money in general. My boyfriend is trying to get a job as well, but I don't know how much luck he has been having with that.

I asked my boyfriend the other day if he thought I was one of those "self diagnosing" people, who say they have something (like an eating disorder) but actually don't. The reason I asked is because I do believe that I have an eating disorder, and I had received a message from a girl asking me if I could help her starve. I don't mean to tear anyone down, but this was literally the conversation between me and this girl:

Her: "I ate... :("
Me: "Ate what?"
Her: "Rice crackers... A piece of processed cheese and two mouthfuls of Lucky Charms cereal."
[About a half hour later]
Her: "Ugh I ate a sample of dried bread and seafood sauce. That's okay I guess. Ana's already really mad at me."
[At this point I was kind of mad because this girl is telling me she has Anorexia and then says she eats all of this shit and it just doesn't match up...]
Me: "I haven't eaten yet today."
Her: "I didn't. I'm a failure but Ana hates me. She's SOO mad she's screaming how useless I am. If I can't do this right, why am I still here?"
I simply told her that tomorrow was a new day and that she shouldn't be so hard on herself.
Then this morning I got a text asking if I could help her fast?

Usually I don't get upset at this kind of thing, but I just don't like people asking me to help them starve, or to be mean to them so they won't want to eat. Nobody should "want" this disease. My boyfriend saw the messages while I was talking to her and he asked me something like why she was asking me to help her starve. I didn't really have an answer to that. He doesn't think I have an eating disorder, of that I am sure. He doesn't seem to notice that I can go days without eating. I try to explain to him that I feel like shit when I DO eat, and that I feel better when I don't. But no, I don't have an eating disorder. So then to myself, trying to justify that I DO have an eating disorder only makes me feel like more shit, and like I am one of those people who say they have something and then always want to talk about it. Anytime I bring something up such as "fat feelings" or that I am not hungry, he kind of just brushes it off. While I can understand his reaction to an extent, I guess I want validation. Someone to tell me that I am not a "wannabe". That I am not a fake. Because no, I am not underweight.
The whole thing with my boyfriend though only made me want to starve more and lose MORE weight so that I look on the outside as I feel on the inside. Maybe then he would believe me.
I have told him about my sexual abuse as well, just searching for someone to understand. But it comes back to the same situation where I don't think he believes me and I don't feel validated. Why should I need to be validated? It should only matter how I feel and what I know, but it isn't. It's a massive trigger for me, and then days like today where I eat food just to avoid the conversation, I only feel worse. I ate lunch with my boyfriend so as to seem normal, but ever since then I am just on edge. I want to cut, but i know he would freak out if I did. I don't want to fight. I know I will avoid food tomorrow to compensate, but he doesn't seem to see these things. Am I maybe expecting too much? After all, I know how impossible it is to understand this illness when you haven't been through it.
He also sees when I write blog posts, and usually he wants to read them. The thing is, I don't censor anything I write here. I just write, whatever comes to mind and whatever I need to say. This is my little corner of the internet where I can say whatever I want without being judged. But I feel judged sometimes when he reads my posts, because "if I claim to have an eating disorder, how can I eat"?
It doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel. Ugh, I feel to much. This is why I would just rather be numb. I also don't think he understands my need to write. To get everything off of my chest. Or why I take an hour or two out of my day to check blogger and those that I follow, or to reply to emails, or to write. He doesn't understand why it is a necessity, and I don't know how to explain it to him. I think I like the form of communication, I don't have to speak to express my thoughts and feelings. I don't have to put out that extra effort, because yes. Sometimes these days talking seems like too much effort.
But I can't stop writing here, nor do I want to. Sometimes people comment, sometimes nobody does. Either way, I know this is a safe place to express my thoughts.

In the seven or so days that I was actually on my period, I managed to lose about 5.4 lbs. I honestly didn't think I would lose that much, and it only makes me want to lose more. Especially now that i have a job interview coming up, I want to lose even more weight and be as small as possible for that interview. I am almost back to my lowest weight yet, and that thought excites me but only for a second. Because I know once I reach that point, I am only going to want to lose more. Not that I mind that either. It's just... days like today don't work with that mindset. They are what will keep me from reaching that point, not helping myself move towards it.

My motivation to keep moving forward and be productive is fading too. I want to say I am starting to fall back into my depression, but at the same time I don't want to say that because I don't think it is that serious yet. Hah, yet. Most of the time nowadays, I just want to lay in bed and not do anything. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to look for jobs, I don't want to live my life. I just want to be still and silent. A statue.
Since meeting my boyfriend I haven't felt anything close to this. I thought I was beating it, and that I was stronger than it. I am not sure I want to know what will happen if I DO fall back into that depression again. Will my boyfriend stay? Will he think he should have done something more to stop it? Will he think that he could find someone better? Will he blame himself when he realizes that it isn't so easy to just pull me out of it? Will we survive it?
I don't know why I am starting to feel that way again, but I don't even want to fight it. I just want a break from life, from all the stress. And I guess in a way, falling back into that would block out my responsibilities to an extent. It would give me the break I so need. But I have to try to fight it. I have to try to stay in good hopes and be the girlfriend that I know he deserves.

I dyed my hair about two days ago as well. I was kind of tired of it being such a light brown with blonde at the tips, so I dyed it a dark brown color. I tried to find the color that would best match my natural hair color (which is dark dark brown, almost black). I think I did a pretty good job, and I am happy to have dark hair again. I don't know what it is, but I feel like this is just me. Like it is the hair color that best suits me. I probably should have waited to dye my hair, but I wanted to dye it and it is already done now. Maybe one of these times I will post a photo if anyone wants to see it,

Other than that, I am just trying to fit my life back together as much as possible. In any way that I can manage to do that. My boyfriend and I are kind of at a loss right now, and I feel like all I can do is wait until that interview. But I don't want to wait right now, I want to be in action, doing something. I have to be doing something.
This post has definitely gotten longer than I thought it would, so I will leave it here for now. Just a small fraction of the ever chaotic thoughts that occupy my mind.

Progress

Not much has been happening to me lately.
I fasted for about 46 hours and then broke the fast with 380 cals my bf made me eat. But I am back at fasting today.

I started my period the same day I started fasting, so I figured if I fasted enough I wouldn't gain weight from my period as I usually do. So far so good, I think. I feel smaller, though I am not weighing until I'm off my period.

I am really shaky, but I feel good. I think my body is physically starting to reject food. And I don't think I mind.

Anyways, I will update more later. I'm off to run some errands.

Holy Shit

So I ate a little this morning at like 1:15am (I know how bad that is) but at the time i didn't pay as much attention as I should have.
I fasted today entirely aside from drinking a little bit of soda to keep from passing out.
But fuck!!!
I calculated the calories and am absolutely horrified. Holy fuck.

I didn't exercise much today, because I was fasting. My BMR is apparently 1570-something.... and my total cals are less than that...
I'm freaking that I won't see a loss tomorrow.... and even that I won't have burned all off it before I sleep, and therefore I don't deserve to sleep.
Bad, bad J.

Fuck me.

I fought with my mom today. She called me manipulative and a liar and said she didn't want me in her life anymore.
All because of some stupid shit.

I haven't written to my brother in weeks, nor have i been to see him. I am a terrible sister... i was just starting to get him back in my life. I hate myself for t h is, especially knowing that i only have a few more months before he transfers in December. After that, he will be too far away for me to be able to see him. But im afraid to write to him because i don't have a stable address to recieve his letters.

I feel like everything that could possibly go wrong, is. Like i have no control over anything and i am just a rag doll to be thrown around and used.
I try to do the right thing all the time but it just doesn't ever seem to be enough. Maybe i should stop trying.

Finally Weighed

Since I quit my job yesterday, I couldn't bear to go with my boyfriend when he went to work today. I just don't think I can face them, and I don't want to admit what I did was wrong. I wish I had gone about it differently, but I can't go back and change that now.

Since I am pretty much stuck in this hotel room for the entire day, I am going to make use of it.
I bought coke zero this morning when I went to buy cigarettes, and those two things combined should be enough to help me see a loss tomorrow.

This morning after weighing for the first time in so long, I weighed 155.6. That is such a disgusting number and I am so ashamed that that's my actual weight. So that provides even more of a desire to fast today.

I'm so lonely these days. I feel like the only person I have to talk to is my boyfriend, and while I love him with every fiber of my being, there are some things that I just don't feel like he can understand. I don't feel like anyone can understand, though I know I am not the only one dealing with these things. It is just a struggle to find someone out there that will actually talk to me and understand, and someone that CAN actually understand.
All of my friends disappeared when I wasn't looking, and now I am on my own.
But maybe it is best that way.

One of my exes tried talking to me the other day while my boyfriend had my phone, and ever since I have been fighting with my boyfriend about whether I will cheat on him or not. I understand that he has been cheated on before, but so have I. I just need him to give me a chance and stop thinking that every guy that looks my way is going to steal me from him. He is one of a kind, and I honestly couldn't think of a trait that someone else would have that he doesn't.
So I am not really sure where we stand with that, but hopefully we can work something out and be okay.

I feel absolutely pathetic. I texted several people in my phone, and messaged a few more, trying to find someone who would be willing to talk to me today. I just don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be solitary. I want some company, but I guess that I will have to make due with what I have. I don't think anyone will respond.

I don't even know where this post is going, except to admit that I am a failure and I got fat again. I need to get back on track and actually make something of myself, and stop being the lazy piece of shit that I am.

Break (me) down

Everything in life is too much.
There is too much to comprehend and not enough of me.
I quit my job today, because I wasn't hardly getting any hours, and I cannot afford that anymore. So instead of doing it the right way, I neither called them nor found someone to cover my four hour shift today.
I am still homeless, and living in hotels. Until I can't anymore, and that thought is what scares me.
Every time we find an apartment to look into, we don't meet the requirements and it is just to get rejected. But that takes its' toll, too.
I am not ready to take on so much of the world right now. I am not strong enough.

I got no sleep last night and it seems to have made me more irritable than usual. I have pretty much constantly argued with my boyfriend today, and I am just tired. I want to hold up my white flag and say
NO MORE

Without having a job, that means our only source of income is from my boyfriend. He says it is fine, but I hate putting all of the burden on him.
And maybe part of me is scared that once I am free of a job, I won't want to go back.

First and foremost, I need a place to live. I need a car as well, but I can't start saving up for that until I have a stable place to sleep and don't have to spend ridiculous money on hotels.
I need my drivers licences, but that only gives me anxiety and I don't want to drive.
I need my GED. That is a given, but I need money and I need time to study without the surrounding stress that is literally driving me mad.
So it will have to wait, like everything else. Ugh.
It seems to be just one thing after another that is holding me back. Always back, never forwards.

I used to say that the cause of all of my stress was because I had an unstable life. Today made me realize something though. My life is not unstable, I am what is unstable in my life.
I feel like people keep adding parts of me up and no matter what way you fit the pieces, I still amount to nothing.

I want to cut.
I want to run away.
I want to burn.
I want to starve.
I am nothing
And I have no power.
I am worthless.

WooHoo!!

For the first time in forever, today is a day that I would consider successful.

Last night I went to the store and I bought baby carrots, applesauce, tomatoes, and fat free yogurt.. Basically my allotted food for the week.

Today I had intended to eat only 90 calories in yogurt, but in my rush to leave this morning I forgot it.

When I got to work I swore to myself that I wouldn't eat anything today except that yogurt, after I got off at 10.

My boyfriend offered me ice cream earlier, and I was strong enough to resist.

I was making ranch and cutting celery all day, and not a drop touched my tounge.

When I had to cook, I was strong enough to overlook the smells that infiltrated my will power.

I am zero calories and diet Pepsi and cigarettes. I am pure. I am empty.

I still don't know my weight, but tomorrow morning I will weigh and post my weight. It is long overdue.

I told myself that I was allowed the 90 calories in yogurt earlier, but now I am thinking that since it will already be late, I can just go to bed and skip the food. Which means that I am pure today.

I am not a failure. I am in control.

And I fucking love it.

I will see how tomorrow goes, and hopefully it will be the same as today. I control what I eat. I am in control.

My boyfriend will no longer make me feel bad for wanting to eat and be normal. No more guilt.

I am strong.

Need To Weigh

Call me melodramatic or whatever, but to me
Everything feels unbearable right now.
I don't know my weight because I don't have a proper place to weigh myself.
Therefore I cannot gauge if
I am losing weight or gaining weight.
Physically, I feel massive.
The urge to self harm has been increasing
And since I can't cut without fighting with my bf,
I have to do it in other ways.
Ways he doesn't notice.

I had sent a text earlier about fasting today
And my boyfriend saw.
Immediatey he asked if I meant fasting as in using drugs to go fast.
I tried to explain fasting to him,

But he didn't understand. I'm not sure if I want him to. Would wanting support from him mean he would try to get me to stop? I don't want to stop.

I feel like I only need to see my weight,

To get back on track. To keep me accountable. I'm gonna have to work out a way to weigh

I need to know.

I might have to fill in for a couple of hours at work, which I am not excited about. Being so close to all of that food, means I will probably eat. I am already dizzy as it is, I know my body couldn't handle working without at least a little bit of fuel.

Today I have had:

Monster (210)

Soda (140)

And as that is all liquids, it brings my total to 350. I know I can burn that off in just the few hours that I might be required to work. Ill post my weight tomorrow if I can find a way to weigh myself. If I can find the motivation.

Too Much, Not Enough

Today was pretty much the busiest day of the season, and I didn't work. I wish I had, though.
Instead I have say around, not even doing much in the way of exercise.
If I don't exercise, then I sure as hell don't deserve to eat. I'm at 17 hours of fasting, and hungrier than I would like to be.
I thought about asking my boyfriend to make me some food, but I eventually came to the conclusion that doing such a thing would be admitting defeat.
I am not hungry, I do not need to eat.
Instead, I smoke cigarettes to ease my hunger. And I actually thought for one moment that I might want to quit? Haha. Right.

I'm still not sure where I am staying tonight. Last night I slept in a boat, because we were unable to get a hotel. I would just as soon sleep there again if it meant not spending money we don't have on just one night of a hotel. But it seems I am the only one thinking that.
(If I spent money on a hotel, I wouldn't have money to buy food then either) <--- That's what I care about.
I'm not sure how I am supposed to be thinking about anything in life when I seem to only be able to focus on work (or lack thereof) and trying to find somewhere to live.
Those two things and the fact that I have zero support from my family seem like reason enough for me.

I think I'm going to go buy a monster (25) in hopes that it helps, cuz god damn. But I have to be strong. This is only the beginning to getting my control back.
Empty is strong.
I am defined as the space between my thighs.

Just Pass On By...

I feel like it's hard to put my thoughts together enough to speak them, so I usually stay silent. But here, I have a voice. Whether it's heard or not is another story... But at least I have one.

What is it I love about my job? I love the atmosphere, as it's so relaxed. I don't feel so much like everyone is waiting for me to fuck up anymore. I love that my boyfriend works there too, because he brings me mental peace where otherwise I wouldn't have it. I love that I get to smoke weed every day, any time I want. I love the restaurant itself.
But my boss is... Not the brightest.
And given my current situation, I need hours, and I need a higher check. But instead he keeps hiring more people with less hours, and I can't have that right now.
My boyfriend has worked here for at least 5 years, and I guess he is tired of the job. He wants to go find another job, and one that has better pay.
So with that being said, I am unsure if I should wait to find another job because when he leaves, someone will have to fill the hours he currently works. So maybe that would be a possibility that I could have more hours and get to keep my job?
I'm not sure what the right move is, and there is also the fact that I still don't have my GED. How will that effect me when I try to get a job? ):

Tonight is the last night that we might possibly get to stay in a hotel. Even that's iffy though because I won't know until after I get off work, and by then it would be too late to cancel the reservation.
I hate this! I feel like since my boyfriend works full time most days, everything is up to me. I hate making decisions. I hate the way things have turned out.
The first night we got the hotel room (about 3 days ago) I wasn't sure if you had to be 21 to book a room, so I asked my grandfather if he would book it for me and let me pay him back with cash. He agreed, but once he got home my grandmother called me and told me that they'd help me get the room this once, but never again. When I asked her why, she basically exolained to me that I only wanted the room so I could have sex with my boyfriend. How could she even think that, since she knows my situation right now?!

I also don't understand why she hates my boyfriend and our relationship so much. The first few times he came with me to my grandparents, if he came inside he always made small talk with her and was polite in answering her questions. He made it clear that he never wanted to meet my dad, which was never a problem with me. I don't want to see him either. So of course he wouldn't come inside if my dad was there, which again, I understand.
When I told my grandmother that I was having trouble finding an apartment, she suggested that I move in somewhere alone and he move in somewhere else. When I tried explaining to her that he has nowhere to go either, she said that we could stay at her house on the condition that we sleep on seperate couches (my grandparents have two couches. One upstairs, and one downstairs).
So, needless to say, I can't go there.
And the rest of my family isn't even trying to reach out and help me.

My grandma also seems to think that my relationship with him is only temporary. God, I sure hope not. I spent three years in a long distance relationship. I thought I loved him then, and maybe, in my own way I did. But what I feel for my boyfriend, or rather how I feel is... different. I find myself caught up in him in ways I never have before. I honestly think I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I know how stupid that sounds when we've only been together about 3 months. So I will just have to prove it in the only way I can - time. But I just wish everyone else could see what I see in him... Despite his flaws.

My moods change so quickly. It's kind of easy to upset my balance (aka, going from totally fine, happy even, to wanting to use my blade or get hit by a train in only a few minutes) and I try not to let it show. I hate that about myself, too. Man, I should reeeaaallly make a list of why I hate myself one of these days. I bet it'd be pretty fucking long.

Winter is coming, and soon. I worry that we won't have a place to go by then, and just like now, not have money to even sleep in a hotel. I fucking hate this, and it shouldn't be this way since we make a decent amount of money. I'm starting to believe the people who say I had this coming. I'm starting to believe it's my fault too, just like everything else.

This morning I was in a rush to get to work and not be kate, but I absolutely HAD to take a shower. I took off my diamond necklace as I always do when showering, and I usually always remember to put it back on. But in my rush this morning, I guess I forgot. Fuck me, right?
It just sent me left because I always fucking do this.
I've lost my phone 4+ times.
I've lost keys.
I've lost bus cards.
I've lost ID's.
I've lost money.
I recently lost my ipod.

I ALWAYS lose everything that matters to me. And now, I have probably lost my diamond necklace as well.
I don't deserve to have anything of value. I'm so about ready to just give my phone to my boyfriend as well, since eventually I will probably lose that too.
I have, actually. But I was lucky enough to get it back. I probably won't next time.

Oh, and this morning while I was walking down the cement stairs of the hotel, I dropped my phone. It fell down about 6 stairs and the screen cracked. Only a tiny bit, but still. I shoild have a phone case, but I don't know where that is either. I haven't seen that since I lost the $1000.
Do you see why I get frustrated?

I try to relax and not let these little things bother me, but they build up and eventually I just get so fed up.

I hate this body. I can't accept it, and I don't know what it weighs. I have my scale, but I never seem to have the chance to step on it properly. I'm afraid of the number, but not knowing it is giving me so much anxiety.

I only work from 6 to 10 tonight, which sucks. I have 19 hours this week, and 18 next week. So in total I have about 37 hours. That isn't much, but it is more than I had last week. *sigh* I don't even know where I want to start looking for a job at yet, but I should probably start soon.

Well, this post is already much longer than I anticipated it would be, but I will update more later.

Untitled

First I want to say that I'm typing this on my phone and therefore I apologize if there are any mistakes. Bear with me.

So my boyfriend and I were staying with two of his friends (M and C) at their apartment. On the 15th of August we paid them $1000 in cash, since I don't have checks and only my card, to move in. That's $500 for rent, $500 deposit. They started having issues with us and i'm still not really sure what about. My boyfriend accidentally spilt a soda on their carpet, and we tried to clean it up as best as possible although we didn't have a carpet cleaner. But I guess also part of it was tracking in grease from our jobs. Essentially, nothing too damaging, and all could have been fixed with a carpet cleaner. The final day we were there, I was working but my boyfriend's was there with his friend J. The one that came on to me and insulted me greatly before I actually got with my boyfriend.
Both of us knew that M and C didn't allow smoking inside. So we smoked outside. I guess J hit his e-cigarette inside and left some kind of ash on the table, which started an argument when M got home. J had to leave, and the fight turned to M saying that my boyfriend and I don't clean up after ourselves.
I will admit, that morning my boyfriend left to go take care of his warrants and I was running late to work. So I left our blankets on the floor and whatnot and left to walk the 22 blocks to work. I figured my boyfriend would get back from taking care of his shit and clean it up since he had the day off and I was running late to work. But otherwise neither my boyfriend or I had much stuff there. So then I guess M told my boyfriend to get out, so he grabbed some stuff and left. Out of the $1000 we originally gave them, M gave my bf $100 to go take care of his fine, and said he would give us $450 back but was keeping the deposit for the carpets. Then after some more bullshit, he changed his mind and said that he wasn't giving any of it back and wouldn't even give us a chance to clean the carpets.
My boyfriend went there to get the rest of our shit and got a little loud. He later told me that M called the cops on him for being beligerant and that only ended up bring a waste of time.
So we are now homeless, out $1000, and it's so dumb. We spent two days at my mom's just so we would have somewhere to sleep, but tonight she isn't letting us stay there. I went around looking for an apartment that my boyfriend and I could rent and basically got told that it is impossible because neither of us have credit, and you're required to make a minimum salary a year, which we don't meet. We would need to find a cosigner, which is basically someone who makes the salary and is consenting to pay the rent should we fail to. But we haven't found anyone. Funny how my family wouldn't step up here, right? It isn't like they would have to pay anything, it is just a guarentee that the rent will be paid. But between me and my boyfriend, we make more than enough to cover rent - we just don't meet the salary requirement.

In terms of getting our money back from his friends, I was told the only option I had was to sue them, though I later found out that because we didn't sign any agreement to make it legal, there isn't any proof that we paid them and therefore going to court would only be a waste of more money that we don't have.

I was over at my grandparents the other day and they basically tried to convince me to move in somewhere alone and have my boyfriend move in somewhere else. I'm sorry, but that doesn't work for me. I need him, like I need oxygen to breathe. I would rather be homeless and with him, than anywhere without him. But they can't seem to understand that.

I stayed at my mom's for two nights, while my boyfriend talked to our boss (and his friend) about cosigning on an apartment for us. He eventually said no, and since we can't go to my mom's again tonight, we are trying to get him to help us get a hotel room for a day or two since you have to be 21.

It feels like everywhere I look there are age restrictions and shit that only further prevents me from living my life. Why is it so hard? I just want somewhere to live, with my boyfriend. Is that so much to ask?

It's almost 9pm here, and I still don't know if we are going to be able to get that hotel room tonight. I fucking hate being homeless. It is fucking with me mentally, a lot more than I would like to admit to my boyfriend. I am gonna cut, it's just a matter of when.

--

It had taken me a few days to write this post, as my mental state isn't the best right now. I did not find a hotel that night, though a few days ago I got a hotel for 2 nights.

A new hire will be coming to the restaurant that I work at, and will be hired on full time. WTF?! I need more hours, and so does another of my co-workers. But our boss said before that he didn't have the money to pay for labor above a certain amount because he is opening up a new restaurant this week. So if he is hiring another person, when he already has people that need more hours on his staff, then I guess I'm to find another job.
I'm incredibly fucjing hummed about that because working where I do now, I don't consider it a job. I love working there.
You know the saying "If you love the job you're doing, you will never work a day in your life." ?
This is the perfect example of that. I love my job, and goddammit I don't want another one!

I stayed at my mom's for another two nights, as much as she didn't want me there.
I still haven't found somewhere to live and I have tried finding roommates or even simply people renting a room but haven't realky found anything.
I guess if it comes down to it, there is always Walmart. Or camping. (bad joke...)

For now though, I have to pay $120 for a hotel for two more nights and then it's just to wait to get paid again next week... I fucking hate being homeless..

I get told often that I see too many of the "negatives" in a situation and not enough "positives". I believe that I am a pessimist at heart and that is why I try to keep my mouth shut as much as possible.
No wonder I'm impossible to love.

For the first time in too long, I have fasted today. I have only had 2 Monster energy drinks (25) and a little bit of Mtn. Dew when I get dizzy (170). All liquids, which I am happy with. And it remains under 200 calories, so I am safe.
My boyfriend offered me french fries earlier and I said no. So, he threw them away. I don't know why, but that bothered me a lot. I was happy to have not eaten them, but I felt bothered when he threw them away. I hate the idea of wasted food, I always have. Usually I, just make someone eat it so it doesn't go to waste.

My random thought for the day: I wonder if weed has calories? Probably not, but maybe?

Anyways, that's enough to say for now. More than enough, actually...

Ranting/Venting

This morning was stressful. I woke up at about 5am from a nightmare. My boyfriend is getting tired of it, I think. Because I am so about leaving the past in the past, but unfortunately for me this is something I can't seem to leave. I didn't want it to follow me here, but it did.
I never really got back to sleep after that, as per usual. When we finally got up at about 9, one of the first things he told me while I was smoking my morning cigarette was that one of our roommates had accused me of, essentially, snooping. I didn't really know what to say, and I still don't. I just told my boyfriend that I wasn't like that, and he said that's what he had told her as well.
But really, she had to mention it to her boyfriend, who mentioned it to my boyfriend, who then mentioned it to me. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? I thought I finally grew out of elementary school bullshit when I dropped out of high school. But I guess not.
Was I wrong to be upset? I still kind of am, because I can admit, as a kid I was that kind of person. I snuck around in almost everything that I did, and eventually I changed everything about who that was. I am not like that anymore, and I never care to go back. I guess it only matters that I know I wasn't snooping in their room. But I guess it still hurts because do they really think of me like that? I already thought that they didn't like me and didn't want me in their apartment... But I guess that just kind of proves it?
My boyfriends car had to be left at work last night and when we went to go get it, her boyfriend came with us. My boyfriend and him started talking and eventually my boyfriend told him that an "ex" of mine (we were never together, we were pretty much just fuck buddies during a really dark time in my life) took advantage of me in the past and that he wanted to go kick this guy's ass. I understand that he didn't really say too much that was revealing, but I feel like now he is going to look at me weird because I am "that girl". The one who can be taken advantage of. I guess because of my past and the sexual abuse, I just feel like it's branded into me and that anyone who sees me know knows. It's so stupid, but I guess that's my life.
So needless to say, I was upset.

My boyfriend also has a problem with my ex's because I guess he has been cheated on in the past. So have I. I know how that feels, and therefore I would never even consider it in the first place. But even if an ex of mine messages me because at one point we may have been friends after our breakup, he doesn't seem to see that I have no interest in them. I guess part of it could be that once you are cheated on, you're always going to be wary of being cheated on again, but it's a trust thing. He has to trust me enough to let me show him that I won't cheat on him. Because actions speak louder than words, so he has to give me time. I don't know what else I can say that will show him that I love him and that he is the one I want to be with. So then I get insecure and it just turns into a fight.

Eventually I told my boyfriend what was up and we kind of worked it out, but I still can't really let it go.
I'm just uncomfortable now around them now. I don't want to look them in the eyes, and I want to spend as little time around them as possible. Which would probably make me seem more antisocial, but I don't know what else to do.

I'm way too insecure. Every little thing turns into something in my head, and though I don't voice the majority of it to him. But it is taking it's toll on me. I want to fight for him, but I just don't know how to make this work. I don't want to cause any issues with his friends, because I want them to like me. I know he would choose them over me, just because he has known them longer and I'm just a girl. So therefore I don't want to make him choose.

I guess the one positive note I have for today is that I realized something. Before I met my boyfriend, I would have more bad days than good and I didn't think it would ever be the other way around. But somehow, without ever realizing it was happening, I started to have more good days than bad. Sure, I have bad moments in the day and I have a lot of internal shitstorms, but overall I'm happy. And happy isn't something I thought I could be.
I've also become somewhat of a better person since meeting my boyfriend. I stopped doing Meth, along with other drugs. I didn't want to stop, but I wanted him more and I stopped without realizing it. I stopped cutting for the most part, though that is still a struggle. I at least cut a hell of a lot less than I want to, because of him.
I'm happy.
And that's why I would do anything it took to keep him. This isn't like all the other "relationships" I had. This one actually counts. I want to fight for him if that's what it takes more than I have ever wanted to fight for anyone... Ever. What makes such a thing possible with him, I don't know. But I only know that I honestly can't picture myself without him.
And hopefully I never have to.

I still have more to write, but the rest will have to wait until tomorrow because I'm pretty fucking tired and have to work all day tomorrow. 11 to 9, wee. Only 10 hours from now, and there is shit to be done before then as well.

Well.

I had a bagel for breakfast, along with some ramen around 1am this morning. So that totals up to 560 calories.
I had intended to go to the gym before I went to work today, however I realized just how little time I actually had and therefore can't do that. But as I will be walking the 3 miles from my house to work, that should burn around 100 cals (maybe) and then the 6 hours I spend standing at work should help out as well. So I would estimate burning about 150 -200 cals doing that.
So my total intake for the day would be 360 cals. When I get home, if I am not too tired I know I will find some other form of exercise that I can do.

Still don't know my weight. I know that I should weigh myself, but I just can't make myself face the music. If today goes well though, I'll weigh in tomorrow. If it doesn't, then I guess it's just to try again tomorrow and weigh the next day.

I am so not looking forward to work, considering how the last day I worked went. I hate my coworkers. They are lazy fucking people and I hate them. But it's just to smile and pretend that they're fucking geniuses I guess. Until I can find another job.
Once my boyfriend pays off his warrant, he is going to get another job. Which I don't know how I feel about because I understand why he wants to get another job but at the same time I don't know who I would be working there if he wasn't there as well. If that makes any sense.

Just too many thoughts that I don't know what to do with and sometimes I feel like it's so hard to talk to my boyfriend because I don't want him to leave me because I'm that "insecure clingy girlfriend". I'm just gonna put in my headphones today and blast my music so I don't have to listen to my thoughts... at least until I go to work.

Emotional Purge

I can't stop what feels like a downward spiral. I'm beginning to hate myself to the point of violence... again. Last time it happened I got so fed up with myself after months and months of it that I attempted suicide... This time, it's not quite that simple.
But when I snap, what will I do?
Will I remember?

My boyfriend wants me to completely give up cutting. I tried, before. I still got the incredible urges, and I couldn't always say no. But I self harmed in other ways that weren't so obvious and noticeable. But about a week ago, I gave in and I ended up making a few shallow cuts on my arm. My boyfriend knows, and I haven't cut since, though I want to. I want to so much.
At the place I am living now, our roommates (I guess you could call them that?) don't know about that. I have worn shorts a few times and before there were fresh cuts on my arms I would wear tank tops. Which, sure they would see my scars but they couldn't really judge me for that. Because as far as they knew I wasn't doing that anymore. But since I have put fresh ones there, I have made an effort not to wear anything that would show them. The other night I spaced at for a second and took my hoodie off while I was wearing a tank top and one of the roommates gave me such a look. She kept staring from my face to my arm, and I kept trying to turn away from her and grab my jacket at the same time so that I could put it back on. But the fact remains that now she knows... and I can only imagine what they think of me now. They probably don't want a freak like me in their house anymore but just don't want to say anything to me.
I just want to cut more.

Every time I see my cuts since they happened, I just want to cut more because I think I'm pathetic. I know that cutting is still cutting, no matter how shallow or deep the cut. But in my own fucked up twisted logic of hating myself, because I made shallow cuts at the time, I think I'm something of a failure. Like I don't even deserve to have scars because they aren't "bad enough". Though I have been told by my boyfriend and my then-best-friend that my cuts and scars are absolutely something they need to worry about. But it seems like something so pathetic to me. And that only makes me want to make ones much deeper. And many more.

I feel so over sensitive sometimes that I just don't even think my thoughts are worth voicing. Like when I take things that my boyfriend says personally when I know that they aren't. But that doesn't stop it.
The other night I got so frustrated with myself because one simple thought multiplied and turned into a storm of thoughts. I got seriously violent for the first time in almost a year. I started punching things, but it wasn't enough because I wanted to hit something that would hit me back. I did bruise my knuckles though, and possibly left a bruise on my leg, but that pain will fade in a few days and I will be back to square one.

I love my boyfriend more than I have ever loved anyone, and I would do absolutely anything to keep him. I strive to be a better person for him, to be something he deserves to be with. But sometimes I think it's impossible and that I should just save him the trouble of being let down when he sees just how truly unfit for him I am. He wanted me to stop cutting. So I have been making an honest effort to not cut for him. I miss it though. And as he told me... "You shouldn't miss something like that."

So then what does that say about me?

I do miss it.

Every. Day.

To go entirely without it, and to get rid of my blades... I don't know if I can do it.

Then that brings the thoughts of my eating disorder.

Because I want to be someone he deserves, I would have to give up both self harm and my ED. Who would I be without that? What would I do with myself, where would I be? What would I spend my time on?

Somehow I feel like a fraud if I ever mention it to my boyfriend because yes, since I have met him I have improved a little bit. I eat, much more often than I would like. And I am as fat as a fucking whale. But I guess a little part of me feels the need to reach my UGW of 108 lbs, despite what that could mean. Will he stick around for that? Or will he give up on me long before I can reach it?

And why do I feel like I have something to prove?

I get frustrated because when I tell him I am not hungry, he doesn't want to eat either. It kind of feels like a game, but then again is it? Usually I give in and eat something anyways even though it only increases my hatred. But I can't keep doing that. Not if he wants me to stop cutting. I need to stop giving myself reasons to cut, which means I need to start starving.

How do I make this work?

I guess it's just a matter of waiting to get paid.

The only things I will be buying to eat are

Chicken Noodle Soup (150, though if I eat only half a can it's 75)

Lettuce (5)

Tomato (22)

Eggs to boil (17)

Shiritaki Noodles (I've heard zero calories, but I have never tried them)

So only about 119 calories worth of food. Then I can satisfy both myself, Ana, and my boyfriend because at least I will be eating, and I can easily burn off anything that I eat plus at least another 600 calories which means I should definitely see a loss. And I am going to aim to make it a week. Sometime, eventually I want to get a bowl. One that will be specifically mine that I can use to measure my food. Since I think people would look at me weird, (my boyfriend included) I'm holding off on actually buying kitchen scales until I can get my own place.

I'm thinking of getting back into the habit of taking laxatives. I have been too afraid to weigh myself recently because I feel like I am never truly empty and therefore will have an incorrect weight. But since my digestive system has finally began to function somewhat normally I'm afraid taking laxatives again will fuck that up again. But if I am honest, I'm also afraid that the number will send me back into depression.

I don't know if my boyfriend would stick around for that one either. Nobody wants to be with someone who's depressed, and that might be the one thing that shows him how unworthy of him I am. And if that happens, then I don't even want to think about who I would become. Ana would entirely take over again, and I would probably start self harming again. If not worse.

There is a gym here, that I haven't been to check out since we came here... but still. I should be going there every day. 

I should have no excuse to not go. I need to be burning calories, instead of sitting on my fat ass. I think when my boyfriend goes to work, that's what I will start doing. Spending all day at the gym, instead of eating. That would have to make my weight go down. And my weight absolutely has to go down, because right now I absolutely cannot stand myself.... I don't even want to touch myself. If my hand even accidentally touches my thigh, I find it hard not to automatically flinch because it's only a reminder of how fat I am. When my boyfriend touches me sometimes or wraps his arms around me, I feel like a whale. I judge myself based on how his arms feel around me. Which is so stupid, but I guess that's fucked up ED logic for you.

Winter is coming fast. It's already almost the end of August, and when Winter does come, what will I do? It would be so easy to cut and to hide it under layers. I can lose a lot of weight during the Winter too. But again, if I want my boyfriend to stick around, I can't cut.

This clash is new to me. Usually, nobody gives a fuck. Nobody has ever meant enough to me to make any impact on my self harm or habits. But he has, and I don't even know why. I love him enough to want to keep him around no matter what that means... But am I strong enough to actually carry that through and stop the things that would push us apart?

What means more to me?

This month of August has been incredibly hard for me as well. Everyone is going back to school, sending their kids to school, or settling into college. Where am I?

Will I ever get my GED?

Is college even a possibility for me anymore?

Even if I do get my GED, will I ever forgive myself?

Ever stop feeling like the failure I know i am?

Every day it just seems to get farther and farther away.

The pain doesn't go away. That's probably the reason I hate myself so much right now. Because I promised myself nothing but perfection. I promised I would get straight A's and graduate with a 4.0 because I knew I could do it and I had to be the best. I promised myself graduation, and going to college for something unique. I was going to make myself worthy of existing. Then Ana got in the way. My depression got in the way. I got in the way, and my demons became too much.

Since dropping out, I don't go a single second knowing how much of a failure I am. Other people don't and if they ask me I will defend my decision to drop out until I am blue in the face. But behind that bullshit, I want nothing more than to go back. To rewind time. And that's the ONE thing I can't do. Even if I get my GED, I will never be able to say I was a graduate. When people ask, they will automatically think less of me because I didn't graduate high school.

I wasn't strong enough.

That's holding me back, in so many ways. I will never be someone I deserved to be. That's the one thing I can't see changing my mind about because ever since I was in Elementary school, I made that my identity. I set my mind on something and I was going to accomplish it. But instead I let everything get in the way when I was so fucking close and now, how can I forgive myself? I didn't think of a back up plan. I didn't even consider the idea of failure. But I am the walking example of that.

I can't forget it.

And rather than deal with the pain that causes me, rather than talk about it... I'll just ignore it and pretend I don't see it. Pretend I don't feel it. Pretend it never happened.. until I can't anymore. Maybe then I will make myself something worth existing. But right now I honestly don't believe I am, and that alone is enough to makes this impossible to stop.

......?

Yesterday was an entirely crazy day. I don't really know how to explain it or where to start.
Last week I only worked 3 days, for a total of 16 hours. This week I only work 3 days for a total of 23 hours. What bullshit is that? My boss, S, has two people working for him that I cannot stand. One of them is 16 and starting school next week so she will only be able to "work weekends". The other is older, and has a kid, but has never had a job. So this is her first job, and I feel like that makes a difference. Both of them have been described as "temporary" because they aren't the kind of people that S wants to keep long term. However, both of them have about 3x the amount of hours I do, and I am the one that I think S wants to keep. I could be entirely wrong about that. I just don't think it makes sense to give me such a little amount of hours though. My boyfriend keeps telling me to just wait it out another week and then at least one of them won't be around and therefore I will have more hours. But it's kind of hard not to be upset after the repetition of only working 16 hours when I am trying to find somewhere to live. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Given the type of restaurant that I work at, we're a target for business during the football season (Go Broncos!). The first pre-season game we had about two weeks ago we weren't ready for. Tons of people came in to order food and we made it through most of the game, but towards the end of the night we had to close down because we were out of chicken till the next morning. This time we were better prepared. Saturday night my boyfriend and I were at work until about 1am blanching chicken so that we could be ready for the game the next day. Yesterday though was nothing like we were expecting it to be. We weren't as slammed as we were the previous game, so in a sense we were over prepared. But we were all working fine and it's my fault that it didn't stay that way.
I started to get frustrated about only working part of the day yesterday, and then little things started to remind me of how fat I am. Yesterday the restaurant across the street brought over some food and I didn't want any though my boyfriend was trying to get me to eat some. He kept trying to get me to eat and I kept telling him no. So he would put it a little closer to my face, and I would back away. Eventually I just said no and walked away, feeling like I didn't possibly deserve to eat because I am a fat waste of space. I did however eat some french fries yesterday, along with some energy drinks. But while working all I could think about was the fat hanging over my jeans, the way my arms jiggled. Every step I took, I jiggled. And it only increased my anger.
When we weren't busy, everyone was supposed to be doing something other than just standing around. But nobody really seemed to be doing that, so I went over to the corner and started looking up tattoo's that I could use for inspiration since I am looking to get one very soon. As soon as I picked up my iPod, I was told to go was windows. Which I was fine with. So I washed half of them, and then we got a little busy again so I stopped and went back to trying to get orders out. When those were done, I went to clean the other half of the windows, and more people came in. Everyone touches the glass on the doors as they walk in, so of course there are going to be fingerprints and such. I don't see the point in washing the windows during the middle of the day when more people and children are going to come in and touch the windows again.
So he sent me home but by then I was so absolutely livid that when I went outside I couldn't think of anything else but my blade. I ended up cutting and my boyfriend walked outside. Of course he got upset, but when we started talking about it I just broke down in tears. He told me that I might not have a job there anymore and that only made me want to cut even more. But he took my blade, not that I don't have more.

I feel like I am becoming the person I used to be, and I don't like it. I like who I was... before I started to lose myself again.
I just wish I could erase the last few days of my life. Pretend that they never existed so that I wouldn't be so upset. My thoughts aren't relenting, and I still have nightmares. They've followed me here, too. Will I ever be able to escape?

I just want to sleep and fade away from this world.

Ah Shit

It's Saturday. (Now Sunday)

This might not make sense... But here goes.

My boyfriend had already paid his and my part of the rent on the apartment we were trying to get. I don't get paid for another week, so he had to pay my part of it.

When the apartment fell through, he only got $100 of the rent back. But he hasn't actually gone to pick it up yet.

Today is Saturday. The last day I can spend in that house. 

Am I packed? Nope.

Do I know where I can go? Nope.

Do I have money? Not until next week.

I'm stressing so bad I can't even.

So yesterday I called my grandpa and he came to me me and pick up the few things I will be taking with me... Wherever I go.

I worked last night from 5 - 10. And I pretty much slept at work last night too. Though, much sleeping didn't get done. I was constantly cold and therefore kept waking up. Since neither my boyfriend of I have much money right now we are gonna be staying at work until Tuesday when we can get our checks.

My boyfriend talked to our boss and worked out a way for him to give them to us early so that's at least a positive.

I've been looking for places for rent around here, but so far I haven't really gotten any replies. I just want somewhere to live, but unfortunately my boyfriend and I can't get our own apartment right now.

I feel bad for him, because he is working twelve hour days and hasn't had a day off in at least 2 weeks. I, on the other hand, can't get enough hours. I think I only have 24 for this pay period. I have this Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday off as well as the same days off next week. I get so frustrated because I mean, a girl here who is only temporary has more hours than I do. How the fuck does that work?

And especially since S (my boss) knows that I'm moving out and currently homeless and could so use the extra hours just so I would have somewhere to live.

But I guess overall I like working here. I can chill with my coworkers when I'm not busy, I get to see my boyfriend whenever I want, I can smoke weed (and with the boss when he is around) and the people here aren't so strict about everything. It's more of a mellow atmosphere... In other words, my kinda place. (;

I've been having random bouts of nausea these last few days. I can't seem to figure out why and I can't seem to stop it. Joy.

This month of August is not proving to be as useful as I've wanted it to. I need to change that, since its still early in the month. It doesn't have to be a complete failure.

I don't have to work today until 4, and I am absolutely lost as to what I should do to occupy my time. I can't go "home" since I don't have one of those. I don't have any friends who I could call and meet up with to chill for a few hours. Everyone has their own life. They don't need me.

So, here I sit. Outside my work. Where I've pretty much solidly been for the last 24 hours. I don't like to be inside because I can't stop panicking about what people think of me. But outside there's nothing much to do either. I can see my boyfriend when he comes outside, and I can smoke weed and blast Skrillex in my headphones.

But it's a nice day (72 degrees) and I wish I wasn't lame. Oh well, I guess.

All of the food I intended to consume has already been taken care of, and now I have the rest of today to burn it off.

I've been smoking a hell of a lot of cigarettes lately too... Replacing food with them. I can feel the effect on my lungs, as its harder to breathe because smoking and asthma don't go together.

It's a terrifying feeling to not be able to get oxygen into your lungs, and to constantly feel like a 200lb person is sitting on your chest. All. The. Fucking. Time. Will that make me stop, though?

Probably not. And that's sad.

I don't have an asthma inhaler because I guess my asthma isn't "bad enough for that".

I'm not "sick enough" to admit I have anorexia.

I'm not "disordered enough".

"Skinny enough"

Not enough.

I don't even deserve to type that. I'm fat.

Disgusting. I'm a pig.

Lately I've starre to obsess over my wrists. They're huge to me, and it bothers me a great deal. My boyfriend swears to me that my wrists are tiny and that if they got smaller I would be too "fragile". No.

They're huge.

I can pinch the fat covering them. I can't see my wrist bones.

Therefore, they are not okay.

Every time I catch a glimpse of my old scars, it only reinforces the notion that I need to cut. I have to see more cuts on my body. I'm uncomfortable to say the least without them there. But what can I do? I shouldn't want to cut. I do.

Why?

I couldn't even tell you.

So... This has kinda turned into a splurge of all the thoughts that keep running around and around in my head these past few days. So... Imma just stop there.

Long Day

Still no best friend.

I guess I'm more upset than I wanted to admit...

I still haven't decided what to do with pictures of us. I feel like she was my sister. Like I lost a part of me.

Every story I start to tell has her name in it, and it only makes me angrier. How could she just act like I was nothing?

I have until Saturday to find somewhere to stay, and the apartment I had a chance of moving into fell through. One of the people who live there is a friend of my boyfriend and his girl decided she didn't want us there because she would "lose her privacy". Which is such an excuse. I mean, c'mon. If you're gonna lie to me, at least lie well.

So now I don't know where my boyfriend and I are gonna move. He doesn't seem that worried about it, but I am just tht much more stressed.

Stress causes weight gain, and I can definitely see it.

It's already the 7th of August and I still don't know my weight. I don't want to, and I am so terrified of what I weigh. I know I will have to face the music, and soon...

But not today.

My mom is back and forth and back with me almost all the time now. I thought getting through all the court shit would make things easier. I thought the hard part was over. I was so wrong.

I am not in control. Of anything. I'm about to go pick up blades behind my boyfriends back one of these days so I can cut. I can't fight that anymore.

I am falling. I thought I couldn't fall anymore.

Working with my boyfriend is still confusing. Sometimes I feel inadequate and insecure because I do something wrong, and sometimes I feel like his anger is directed at me or I take something too personally. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough.

But sometimes things go well. Sometimes it feels like I can understand their vibes and we find a rythem. Sometimes I can understand why my boyfriend is angry and realize that it isn't directed at me.

But going back and forth so much is tiring. It makes me frustrated. It makes things sometimes impossible. I just need to find my balance, and I guess in time I will. For now, I guess I'll deal.

I'm trying to save my tips from this job so that when I get paid, I can buy a computer that I have needed so bad. So far, I'm not even a forth of a way towards the $250 I need. But since the football season is coming up, or already starting (depending on how you see it) I should be able to get there relatively soon.

Then maybe I can get my GED.

Maybe get a small part of myself back.

Probably not.

After work, we sat around for a while drinking beer. They were watching the football game and I've been listening to music. I don't really fit in. I don't drink much because I'm terrified of the calories. I have eaten more than I needed to today, though I'm sure I burned a lot during work today.

But somehow I'm still hungry.

I'm absolutely freezing. I cannot get warm.

I just want to sleep. For a long time. If I let  myself sleep tonight until my body is rested, I will feel absolutely lazy and fat tomorrow. But I find it almost impossible to go to sleep earlier. So I can't.

I need to just forget for a while.

Forget everything.

Well, I feel like so much happened yesterday.
So much that I still haven't had a chance to process.
So i'm going to basically write an overview of it, to try to wrap my head around it.

Ever since I met my boyfriend my best friend has faded out of my life. For a while there, she had a job and her boyfriend had a job, while I was single and had no job. Yesterday my "best  friend" and I got in a fight pretty much over my boyfriend.
It wasn't really about him, but my best friend wouldn't admit what it was really about. We tried to talk it out, but she hung up on me and that basically ended our friendship. I honestly would have figured that seven years of friendship meant more. I guess I should have known because people aren't ever really different.

So as a result, and another unspoken issue, the place I was staying in with my boyfriend (my ex-best friends grandmother) is no longer available. My boyfriend and I might have a place to stay, although that isn't a guarantee for me. I called my mom and asked her to take a bunch of boxes that I packed my stuff in because wherever I end up, I can't risk carrying so much shit with me and my mom wouldn't let me throw it away. Ugh.

On top of all that, as if that isn't enough shit already, two people at my boyfriend's work quit yesterday, and one of them stole about $1500. So basically, they really needed people to work yesterday and therefore I kind of got hired instantly... Today is my second day and I don't know exactly how to feel about it. On the one hand, I am excited that I have a job. I really needed one and with the recent events that mean I have to move out in less than a week, it comes in handy. On the other hand, I feel like since I will be around my boyfriend a lot more, he will think less of me if I fuck something up or if I don't learn something fast enough. I also have this stupid nagging thought that because I will be around him so much, that he will just straight up get tired of me. I feel awkward at his work, as if I am looking so stupid when I forget to do something. I don't know, maybe it is nothing and I am just being insecure.

So yeah... Basically my life was turned upside down in a matter of hours, and sort of fixed itself too. Kinda. I thought I was fine with it, or at least not to upset, but I think I am more upset than I thought.
(Should I think some more?)

So basically I am moving out in less than a week, and I find out if I have somewhere to stay tomorrow (I think).

So what do I do now?

Tonight is the second night in a row now that the nightmares have followed me. I guess my mind is more cunning against even me than I wanted to admit it was. I wish they could just be like regular nightmares, but they aren't.
These are vivid.
It's like I am there again.
Like I can feel the hands on my body.
I can taste the vomit in my mouth.
I always wake up shaking.
I can't pull myself out from the nightmare.
I have no control.
They aren't dreams. They are memories.
I wish I didn't have to remember.

They used to be worse. I used to wake up screaming. That drew too much attention from my family and they don't know. They can't know. Somehow I stopped screaming and now whatever I may do, it's "better". That is a joke. There is no better.

Yesterday I was up at 3am, and again at 6 because of the sheer fear in my heart.
Today it was at 4am and I won't be sleeping again.
This is just the beginning.

Trying to go outside to smoke a cigarette and freak out where my boyfriend wouldn't be disturbed was a failure. Que sitting on my bed trying to breathe and quiet the sobs wanting to escape from my chest.
Once I got outside, my fear and paranoia only intensified. So I came back inside. To no avail.

I don't know what to do.
My boyfriend deserves someone better. Someone who isn't controlled by fear. Someone who isn't tainted.
Untouchable.
Unloveable.

I can't be that person.
I don't know how.

I'm just falling farther and farther away from something he deserves.

The paranoia I used to have is coming back again, and so are the panic attacks. I have been lucky enough to not have one when my boyfriend is around, so he doesn't know about them yet. Soon, he will. It is getting hard to hide them.
I contantly have a knot of fear/nausea in my stomach now.
I want to use my blade.

I don't feel safe anymore. I don't know if I ever have since my head started remembering.. Will I ever feel safe again?
I feel like my sanity is cracking and my boyfriend already has his own shit to worry about. He doesn't need mine too.
Should I leave?

I didn't even dare to hope for sleep after my nightmares, so instead I curled up next to my boyfriend. I listened to his slow, even breathing for a few minutes before the tears came back. I shoved them down and stuck in headphones to at least attempt to drown out the images that are burned into my eyelids.
As if I could.
As if I deserve it.

It is branded into my body. I feel like even if a stranger doesn't know, they know. Like some invisible sign, marking me as a target. Marking me as weak, as someone to be taken advantage of. This is not my body. I will not claim it. I cannot stand it.

I wish mu boyfriend didn't have to go to work today. I don't want to be alone, but there is nobody I can call. My best friend doesn't respond to my text messages anymore, and after school all the "friends" I had just faded away.
So most days I either spend sitting at his work waiting for the few moments I can see him or I am in my bed trying to cloud my head. There is no in-between.

I am entirely pathetic. This is what my life has come to, and I try not to look at it and see the truth because then I feel guilty. Then I feel ashamed. And that is a feeling I cannot deal with... So I avoid it. But it always comes back to the simple fact that

I'm alone.

That idea has never bothered me. But in the wake of times like this when I simply cannot stand to be alone, that's when I feel it.
And I don't know what to do.

I won't be sleeping again until I can figure out how to keep the dreams away. I can't even fathom the idea that I could go through that again.
I won't admit to my boyfriend that I need him.
I won't let the cracks show.
I'll pretend everything is alright.
That I am at least surviving.
It's just how it has to be.

I am fine.
I have to be.

I am pathetic.
Tomorrow is August first. Soon after that, school will be starting again and where will I be?
Everyone is heading off to college and moving on with their lives. As they should be.
Not me.

It's been about two or two and a half months since I dropped out. Every day, I forget more and more. Every day the dreams I used to have feel farther and farther away.
College.
A good job.
Pride.
What I worked so hard for..
All gone in just a blink.

I made everyone think I was the best. That I was smart, ambitious, everything they wanted me to be. Then the curtain fell and they saw the girl hiding behind.
This girl wasn't perfect.
And that was the deal breaker...

I mean, what am I?
I don't have a job, and can't keep one.
The place I stay is only temporary.
I don't have a high school diploma, or the equivalency.
I don't have friends.
I don't have a life..
I don't even have my sanity.
I am falling, fast and hard. Into a darkness even I cannot see my way out of.

I have nothing, and I am nothing.
I can't even say that I can lose weight and not be so fat because I can't even do that.

And yet my boyfriend can't understand why I say I want to jump in front of a car. Or a train. Either would do.

He deserves so much better. And he could be with someone so much better than me. When people say they are jealous of what I have, I cannot hide my laugh.
I have nothing, I am nothing.
I have nothing to covet.
I have already lost everything.

And that is killing me in a way even I can't put words to.

"Destroy What Destroys You"
Yeah right.
It is very effectively destroying me, and I don't even have the strength to fight back.
I only hope my boyfriend realizes this and gets out before I can hurt him, too.