Ramblings

I don't know where I am or what there is left for me to do.
I know that I am back to most of my old habits, skipping meals, purging, over exercising, things like that. But I can't stop. I am so unhappy with myself at the moment, and so angry.
I don't want to get better, because I haven't reached my goal.

I have my bright days, and I know it may not seem like it, but I do want help, just not right now. I am not aiming for "Skinny" or "Stick figure" or anything like that. I am aiming for HEALTHY. Just not getting there the healthy way.

I start my fast today, and so far, it's only been 3 hours, but it's going really well. I can do it, I know I can.

I had a close call with my family finding out about all of this, so for now, I don't think I want to continue talking to the counselor. I guess I'm going to have to be stricter with myself, because I need to lose the weight, and I don't seem to be getting there. I needed to lose at least 2 lbs a week to get to my GW, but that isn't happening.

Now that I am back in control of what I eat and what I don't eat, I can finally start on that. And I will get there. I have to. This is the only option I see, the only road I can walk.

I am sorry if I trigger anyone with anything I say... But I have to have somewhere to write, and think. This is it. If you don't like my posts, don't read them.

I am broken, and angry. But I don't know that I want to be fixed. Not yet. That's all I can keep telling myself....
Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

Eventually I will get there.

Not sure how, but I WILL.

For now, I think I'll start with going for a run.

Sorry this post doesn't make any sense. I don't even know. My head is such a mess, as usual. I have a ton of schoolwork to do, as I missed an entire week of school. Better get started on it. (: