Outdoor Lab 10/2

I have more off time today, and I can't wait. But that also means that I have to teach a class as well. I feel like i have more time in the day, like things aren't being crammed into such a short time period. I'm enjoying my off time, because I can listen to my music. I've missed that, though I don't miss my phone.
Being vegetarian here is hard, because they serve meat with basically every meal, something I can't eat. But that's not too bad. I don't mind. That's not a good thing, but part of me can't help being happy that I can not eat and get away with it, because I'm vegetarian. I usually get hungry later, but it's a nice feeling. I drink so much water here to stay hydrated.... Detox! (:
I can't purge anything because there's always people around. I suppose that's a good thing, but I don't like it. I keep getting terrible anxiety, and I feel bloated afterwards. I doubt I'm losing any weight. Most of my anxiety comes from the 6th graders watching me when I eat, I hate it and I always have. Does that make me paranoid or something? It's just weird. I feel SO self conscious up here. Like I'm so afraid of messing up. The only good part is that I get to teach Arts and Crafts, I can't wait.
The 6th graders look up to me, and it's nice. It's like I'm worth something to them, because they don't know me, and they don't know my past. It's like they can't really judge me. But they can. Y'know?
The kids waste a lot of food, and that bothers me. A lot. I mean, t hey eat so much food, but if they've got half their sandwich left, and we get more food, they'll take like 3 more sandwiches, then end up not eating it. It's a major wast of food. And for some reason, that makes me really irritated really fast. I can't really say anything though, as I'm not exactly in the right mind.
I love the feeling of being hungry.  Of not eating. Like I'll eat enough to keep my metabolism up, but otherwise it's nice. That's so messed up, but it's nice. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be okay, even when I am up here? I guess I'm just meant to be screwed up...
I have a new love for Banana Peppers, and although they're super hot, I love them. After I eat them, then I don't want to eat anything, and that's helping. But it sucks that I have to eat 3 times a day, in the span of 11 hours. That's so much more than I normally eat in a day, and like I said, I can't purge. Sometimes it's nice, because it's forcing me to get better, but it's not nice. Because then I get so much anxiety, and I can't tell the kids about it - I have to be "Okay". Even when I'm not.
I don't have anyone to talk to up here, and I'm finding I don't want to. It's nice, but different. I am normally way to reliant upon people, and I hate it. This week is allowing me to be less dependent upon people, but it's not easy.
I am excited to be a vegetarian, it's not as hard to stick to as I though it would be. I know the real challenge will be after I get back. My dad won't really be supporting of my vegetarianism. I don't think I'm going to tell him either. Because there's no point. So I guess the only place I can really be excited about being a vegetarian is here. And I shall. :D

I know that this might have seemed like a lot of negative stuff, but in the end, I'm pretty excited to be up here. Some of the girls are pretty cool, and it's cool to see how they gossip about one of the interns here. I will admit, some of them are pretty attractive, but also, they're way too old for me or for anyone else. It's kinda cute to see how they react around them. I miss being in 6th grade.