Deadly Beauty - Faces Without Names

This is my all time favorite song right now. The lyrics are so inspiring, and they keep me going, keep me okay.

My "Best friend" isn't a best friend. I was so excited about going to the Zombie Crawl, and also going to Homecoming. I was looking forward to it. But now I wish I hadn't gone.
When we were getting ready for the Zombie Crawl, it was great. I was excited, I looked pretty horrifying. I'll post pictures later. But I had so much fun, and I was excited. So many people there were looking insane as in they had wicked costumes and stuff, as Zombies, Zombie Hunters, or even Survivors. The Survivors were getting tackled and chased by the Zombies, and it was so much fun to watch. I didn't look that scary, I tried. I was supposed to have died in a nightclub, burned to death. I think I should have used more blood.
But it was so much fun. Then I got home, and took a shower and stuff to get ready for Homecoming, and went to meet my friend at her house, so we could go do our nails, makeup, and hair. My grandma and I ended up having a small argument, because I was having issues with my hair, and we didn't have a hairdryer. She wouldn't let me curl my hair while it was still wet, so I ended up having to do it at K's house. (K is my "Best friend")
We got ready, and it was so much fun. I actually thought I looked really pretty.

When we got into the dance, there were 4 of us. K, I, and 2 other friends. One of the other friends and I went to dance, and we had fun. K and the other friend didn't want to dance and be crazy. I was having fun, and that's what I was trying to do, seeing as all the couples there made me sad. They kept playing slow songs too. I hated those, because I couldn't even be crazy then. Anyways.

Then K and one of our friends left, I don't know where they went. And the friend who was dancing with me didn't want to, she kept texting all night. She didn't want to dance and have fun, she just wanted to be on her phone. It made me mad, I'll admit.

When we left at 11, I found out that K had spent about half the dance in the auditorium, away from everyone. And I felt bad. But all she kept saying was that she didn't have fun, that she didn't want to go, that it was stupid. That everything about it sucked, and all this negative stuff. I wanted to just scream  shut the hell up! If you weren't going to have a good time, you shouldn't have gone!!!" Anyways, I was supposed to spend the night at K's house, but she kept ignoring me. Like she went to eat, and just left me on the couch. But whatever. Then she came in and was like "I'm going to bed. Turn the TV off when you come up." and I thought that was rude because I was only staying up because she was there. So we both went to bed, and then she kept telling me to do stuff when I wanted to, but that she was gonna go to sleep. And that made me mad, because I didn't even want to do anything! I just wanted to go to bed, and I was tired as fuck. I didn't have anything to change into, so I ended up sleeping in my dress. -___-

This morning, she woke up and went to look at kittens with her mom, and just ignored me. I wasn't talking to her because I was pissed off at her, not that she knew. She made breakfast, and when I told her I wasn't hungry, she just ignored me. She went back to her moms room to look at kittens, as if I didn't even exist. And that made me mad, because I'm supposed to be hanging out with her!!! Ugh. So I just wanted to go home. Which is exactly what I did. I called my grandpa and asked him to come get me.

I can't even talk to her about anything anymore. The last time I tried talking to her about my Eating Disorder, and how I felt, she got mad at me and basically shut me out. That's what everyone is doing. And it really makes me feel like shit, because they obviously don't think that I'm in need of help. I can't even cry. So many times I've felt like bursting into tears,and I get the thick throat, but no tears will fall. And I think that's the one release I need right now. I haven't lost any weight, or I guess I can't tell anymore. My scale's messed up. Every time I eat, I want to self harm, or run or scream, or die. I can't even purge anymore. Don't ask me why, I don't know. But I can't.
I am not better, but I'm not getting worse.
I feel like I need someone to talk to, but I don't know what to say.
My grandma's forgotten about the counselor, and I don't know when I'll be able to talk to my school counselor again. I'm afraid to say certain things to her.

The only person that could really help is Lovely, and even she's got her own problems to deal with. So I don't blame her for not being able to talk to me whenever I need her. I wish there was more that I could do for her though. She is such an amazing person.

School is starting to reflect my moods. I can't focus, I haven't turned in many assignments, I don't care anymore. I failed two tests in Spanish, and one in Chem. I am currently failing 3 classes, and I hate it. I can't tell you that enough. But I guess that's my new normal. I hate this. I don't know what fighting means anymore. I'm tired of saying it. I can't say it enough. I just want to disappear things to be better. But I know it's up to me to get them there. Whatever.....
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I hate this. I hate that I'm so dependent upon people, that I need people. It's got nothing to do with who they are, but I just hate that I have to talk to them, that I need them.

That I can't be strong without them.
I used to be able to. I used to be strong, independent, spontaneous, fun, crazy, happy, etc.

What happened to that girl?

I miss her. I want her back. I would do anything to get her back.

But I think that the me I am now, and that person I used to be, will never be the same person. Will never be one and the same again. I think it's impossible for us to co-exist. It's one or the other. I'd choose her any day. But I don't know how to choose her. I don't know how to get her back.

Pathetic, right?
I know.

I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. I should be stronger. I should be smarter. I shouldn't be failing multiple classes. I'm better than that. Or at least I used to be.
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So that was my rant. My releasing of everything inside. If you read through all of that, congrats. Though I don't expect anyone to. I'm going to shut up now. And go run. I need to. I hate everything about myself right now. Maybe running will help.