I am me.

I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.

But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.

My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.

This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!

Monday, December 3, 2012

December/People

It's finally December!! I'm so excited for this fact, because I love December, for some reason. I know it has nothing to do with the holidays... I don't particularly like Christmas. I don't hate it, but it isn't my favorite holiday either. It seems like everyone changes during the holidays, and that nothing is real. That's just my opinion. I think too much. I think.

I also don't like the extreme cold temperatures we go through here. But this winter I'm going to Hawaii!!!! :D :D So I'm actually excited!!! :D

I still don't know what I weigh. I've had plenty of times to check, but I just can't bring myself to do it. So I'm going to do it Tuesday. Tomorrow. I have to know. Today is a 500 day for the ABC, and I just can't bring myself to eat. So I guess today and tomorrow are gong to be fasting days. This is my way of getting back on track, because I've felt so out of control this last week. With everything. I need to reach my goal.
And seeing as it is a new month.... I'm going to make a goal. I want to reach 165 by the end of December. That's a lot, I know. But I need to. I'm not going to break that down into weight I have to lose weekly, because that will only freak me out. But that's my goal. Hard to do, almost impossible. But we'll see what December brings!!


On another note... I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around people. Like the people I've come to depend on could just turn and run to watch me fall at any second. I don't like it. So I'm reclaiming my independence. I don't need anyone. Put simply, I'm turning my phone off for an indefinite amount of time. Maybe. We'll see how it goes. I may just avoid talking to certain people.
I'm not used to this. Not used to depending on people. And it makes me so nervous. I hate it. So I'm getting it back.

My head is just a jumble of thoughts recently. I've reached my first goal weight, finally. (: Now I just have to stay there. And hopefully I can. That's all I have to say right now.

Now it's off to class to smile and jump through hoops and pretend like I actually care. I got this. xD


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4 comments:

  1. Katie ElizabethDecember 3, 2012 at 11:39 AM

    The ABC diet seems to be quite popular right now. And maybe turning your phone off for awhile will be good for you. I hope things get better.
    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J (:December 3, 2012 at 3:23 PM

      I found it and only started it because it was a plan and a hope that I needed. It was a light for me to follow, so I wasn't stuck in my head. But I agree. It is quite popular.
      Thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot to me. (:

      Delete
  2. The Lovely BonesDecember 5, 2012 at 3:32 AM

    I'll miss you if you turn your phone off. I hope you're okay beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J (:December 5, 2012 at 10:12 AM

      I don't think i'm going to. I think I might just block everyone except for maybe two people for a while. Just so I can breathe. Not you, of course. Xx
      I'm okay, thanks! (:
      Love you.

      Delete

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