Ramblings

I don't really want this post to be about food or eating or weight. That's not what's on my mind right now.

The problem?

I don't know what is on my mind right now. It feels like all of my thoughts are there, jumbled, and when I try to reach out to grab one, they are just out of reach. I feel like I know what they are about, but at the same time, they're a mystery to me.

Today was a good day, I started out feeling pretty shitty, but then I got to classes, enjoyed them, enjoyed myself, and was in a good mood. Then I ate dinner. It brought me down a lot, because I felt like shit, but hey, that happens. I'm not letting that get to me.

I'm tired of feeling this horrible emptiness or the anger. I want to be happy. I want to smile, laugh, talk, breathe, if only for a little while.

I need to find a way to do this. Something I haven't tried before. Anyone have any ideas?

What makes you guys laugh? Smile?

I feel like when I write here, it's the only place I can truly be me. But either way, there are some things I can't say. Mostly because I'm afraid of disappointing people. That's never been a fear of mine, but on here it is.. Maybe I should just say everything.

The love and support I've gotten from people on here means the world to me. I'm afraid that if I let everything out, people would tell me that what I'm doing is wrong and that I should do *Insert right thing here* instead. But since I can't listen to them, or follow that advice, I feel like I let them down. So I'm slowly learning the balance. Between things that I'm actually feeling, and things that will pass soon. Time.

I have no idea what tomorrow brings, other than Therapy. I'm lying through my teeth about almost everything. About what I'm eating, how much I exercise. Everything that could lead to her finding out about Ana - I lie.

I know that people are paying for this. They are paying a much lower price than standard therapists run, but nonetheless - they are paying. I'm committed for the next 8 weeks, we'll see what I can do.

I don't even know if this makes any sense - I'm so tired but i', not allowed to sleep yet. Woo. Hope everyone's doing well. Comments are always welcome! As well as suggestions. (: