The cycle continues

I slept for a decent 8 hours last night... but I'm soo tired this morning!!
I don't understand. I need to change my schedule because I have off periods every morning, (WHERE I COULD SLEEP IN) but I always have work to do, so I never have time. Bleh! Change is on the horizon here.

I'm not very talkative on here lately, because I don't have anything to say. Basically, I've been eating like nothings wrong for the past like weekish? Probably more. And thanks to that, I've gained all the weight back. I can't even stand to look at myself.
So, to try again, I'm going to give myself the month of December to lose at least 5 lbs. Not much to you guys, maybe. But I have to.
With going to Hawaii in January, I really don't want to look like this. I have good days and bad days, but really. I have to change something. And it's starting today. I had breakfast, to boost my metabolism. But that's it for the day. I refuse to eat anything else. For once, I agree with Ana.

Every time I try to read blogs or write, someone shows up, like a friend. They always want to know what I'm writing about and it's too hard to hide everything. I just want to be alone.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want a few hours by myself.. So I don't have to hide and lie and make conversation, when all I really want to do is sit with my thoughts, or write. By myself.
With nobody around.

There's a kid that I had been friends with, and I kept him at a distance, because I didn't want him to know about Ana and I. Or anything. He had enough problems of his own, and I didn't need to be one of them. We've had a lot of instances where I told him to leave me alone, or that we couldn't be friends, and it never stuck. We always became friends again. And I'll admit... I like having him around, but I didn't deserve it.
Yesterday, he noticed something I said about my problems, and tried to offer advice. I listened, and told him that everything was fine. He said that he only wanted to help because he cared about me, and I told him not to. It eventually escalated, and I told him to leave me alone, for good. He said fine. So we're not friends anymore.
This is what happens. Every time I find someone who has potential to be a good friend, I push them away, hurt them until they hate me.
It's all I ever do.
I feel like utter shit for hurting him, but it's for the best.
I know I probably did the wrong thing, but it was the only thing I could do. I didn't want him to find out about Ana, though I know he suspected. I didn't want to hurt him, though that's exactly what I did.
I guess I just have to deal with it now. I made the call, I made the lethal move...
So why do I feel so horrible about it?

Am I really that much of a masochist?