So normally I can tolerate people. But not today. K, my ex best friend, I pretty much ignore her. It might not seem like I do, because I still talk about her here, but this is pretty much the only place I can vent my frustrations. Anyways, there was a girl, S. She was/is a friend of K, and her and I had started being friends. A little. Not so much anymore. Anyways, anytime I say something to S, K makes a face at me. Like she gives me a lot of dirty looks and I realize that it is a kindergarten thing to do, but it still pisses me off. I KNOW that I am a resentful person. Not all the time, but more than I would like to be. Take this, for example. There was a girl, A. Her and I had been friends my freshman year of high school. We'd been good friends, or so I thought. That's about when my first bout of depression. Basically, A just up and left one day. I don't know why, or what I did to make her hate me, or even if it was my fault. But even now, 2 years later, I see her in the halls and I still feel hatred for her. The anger. In most aspects, i've let it go and just chalked it up to shit that happens in high school. But obviously, on some levels... I can't let it go.
Anyways, K. Like they say, once you start hating someone, EVERYTHING they do starts to irritate you. No matter what it is, it just irritates you.
I guess I need to let go of that resentment. That might be part of the reason that i'm so sad, pissed off, and irritated all the time. I'm working on letting it go, but usually, for me, the emotions just go away on their own. Maybe destressing would help. YOGA TIME!!! xD

I also have an English essay due today. That's what class i'm in right now. But the fact of the matter is... I just don't feel like writing it. I'm such a procrastinator. It's due at the end of the day, and I haven't even started it yet. The essay is supposed to be about a life event that is significant to you. But then you're suppsoed to turn it into something more. Relate it to a bigger aspect so that more people can identify with it. I chose to use hatred. I thought about using alcohol, with my mom and everything, but I think I could use hatred too.
I mean, my dad's hatred, look at the effect that it has on me, and the effect that hatred in a society effects everyone. So yeah. I have the topic, but I have no idea how to go about writing it. I suck at writing essays. English in college is going to kill me....

So.. there's 557 days until I move out. Until I am finally away from my family, and all the people here. Don't get me wrong, some of the people I know here, I would love to keep in touch with. But there is a lot that I need to leave here. I don't know where i'm going to go yet but I know that I am going. I am not staying in Colorado. I love it, but I think I'd love NY better. Now only if I could get into college. God, the future scares me. I have no idea what i'm going to do, where i'll be, how i'll make it. I have no idea. I don't know anything. That scares the shit out of me, because I don't want to grow up. I don't want to have to worry about paying for college, getting a house, paying bills, gas, a car, a life. I don't want any of it. But at the same time, growing up is everything to me. It's my out. My time to start out on my own, and try to make my life a life that I want to live. Or at the very least a life that I can tolerate living.

I haven't talked to Cimiron in a while. Like a week. I know that i've gone longer than that before without talking to him, but I miss it. And it isn't like i'm just not talking to him. Last I knew, he didn't have a house phone, though he said we could still text. So I tried, and I tried FB too. He didn't reply to either. Don't get me wrong, maybe he is just busy. Which is totally fine. But the fact that I don't know.. well it makes me anxious. My brain keeps making up horrible scenarios, and expecting the worst. I feel like a really clingy girlfriend right now. I realize that my mind is just playing out my insecurities, but still. Knowing doesn't make it easier. Someone please tell me.. Am I overreacting? If so, at what point does it become genuine and not over reacting?

Ugh. I think I need to just chill out.

Today, I intend to finish all of the makeup work that i have left. I am eligible to compete this weekend, so my grades are up. But they are not to my liking by any means. So i'm going to finish it all today, and try to get them up. I've already done so much. I just have to keep it up. Motivation, that's what I need.

All in all, I suppose that today is a good day. I haven't done much, and hopefully it will be better once i'm all caught up and I don't have to worry about make up work anymore. Really, I need this weekend to come. Just so I can finally get done with everything, and maybe relax. 2 more days!!! :D

I will go here someday... <3

Need to remember.  By the way, am I the only one who sang the song
while reading this? xD

Tuesday (Monday)

I ended up getting a good amount of work done last night, despite the fact that that means that I only got about 4 hours of sleep.
Waking up this morning, it was nice.
I'm feeling good.

I swear... My moods fluctuate so much. I don't think that's normal, but maybe it's just part of being a teenager. xD I'm 17, after all.

Today is going to be a good day. I have guard, which I guess I'm not too excited about, but I'm not hating it so much anymore either. We're finally starting to learn our show, and we start up competitions again this Saturday. Maybe.... Just maybe..... I'm a wee bit excited. (:

It's Tuesday  but it feels like a Monday. And a good one at that. I mean, I still have my doubts. Mostly about   my grades, and my boyfriend. But I'm pushing those aside for right now. This is going to be a busy week, and I need to keep my head in the game. I'm actually feeling pretty psyched about this week.
Anyone else feeling this psyched? :D

I've started using myfitnesspal. It's a lot of work, but I kinda like it. It's helping me to keep on track. Though before, I didn't see so much point in it. I found it easier to manually track them. But I love how it tells me what I'll weigh in 5 weeks, when I have a low calorie count. Especially since I know that I can do it. I'll weigh less than it says I will. (:

Not much to update about. Just randomness. Wanted to share my happiness and see if anyone felt the same. (:

I should learn by now.
I'm supposed to know myself.
And if I don't know myself,
Then nobody ever will.

This is perfect... She is perfect.. <3

I wonder what has kept me living all this time.
If this is what you can call living.
I wonder what makes people want to fight for me.
Can't they see that they too will leave?
I fooled myself into thinking I had found my way.
But in reality, I'm just as lost as yesterday.

I'm really in need of support right now.... Need help keeping it together.

Making no sense xD

I got my Ipod!! ^_^ This makes me insanely happy.. And I don't care if it's weird.
It's only a 2nd generation, but I got it from a friend for kinda cheap, and it works pretty good, so why not? I can put all my music on there, and use most apps, so why not?
It just makes me smile. :D

As for the fast..... It lasted about 22 hours. Then I was forced into dinner (last night) and today has been horrid food wise. I did exercise a lot at practice though, so maybe it won't be so bad. I don't know. If anything, I want to give up, and give in, but I keep reminding myself that I have to keep going and keep trying. I can't give in. Which for the most part is working.... Kinda. I mean, it's a struggle. But something is better than nothing, right?

I haven't done anything, really. Not in terms of homework. I've been productive, yet unproductive as well. I cleaned my room, did my laundry, did a few of my chores. But I haven't done any homework. I guess that's what I'll be doing for the next two days. Wish me luck!

So far, my outlook on guard is going better. Our show is looking much better. and for the most part, I'm not getting frustrated. Or show isn't until next week, so I'm feeling better about that. Still counting the days till it's over, but hey, what can I say?! (That rhymed) xD

I'm having trouble trying to find an app that works and is compatible with my Ipod, for maintaining/tracking calories and weight loss. It's so difficult, and blah!
There's not much up with me.
I guess that's all.
I'm still reading blogs religiously. xD
And it was so nice today that I got to run. (:

We are singing to our lava lamp, and it's bubbly, bubbly, bubbly!

I'm fasting.
My foot has healed, so I can start running again.
But still I'll fast.
Right now, it's at a minimum of 48 hours. So far, I'm at 10 hours without food.

I don't know how long this will go. I never want it to end. I think I have found the answer. Fast. Eat nothing. Only eat when forced to, and even then, don't feel like you've failed. Just go back to fasting.
I am so excited for this.
I am going to try it.

Please don't try to tell me how much I am going to be destroying my body, or how unhealthy it is. I know all of that.
But still. This feeling of utter emptiness, of hunger... I missed it. I missed this feeling of lightness. I feel like I could fly. :D

I have a four day weekend. I am cleaning my room today, and doing some homework. I have practice tomorrow, but no competition. Then two more days of nothing. :D
This makes me so excited. I get to catch up on all  my work, I might get a chance to run. If not, there's other things I can do. (:
I finally feel in control. I'm almost happy. As happy as I've been in a while.

This will help me. In overcoming my "all or nothing" view. I can do this.
And there's no way I can stay this weight by doing this. It just not be possible! :D So... Results! Here I come.

My new phrase is... "We are singing to our lava lamp! And it's bubbly, bubbly, bubbly!" ^_^

Just because I'm feeling random. :D And I'm in such a good mood. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts!

Wednesday, February 13

Can anyone guess what today is?

Just take a guess.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! ^_^

For once, I'm actually happy about that fact.

I never like my birthday. It's just another day for attention, and I hate attention.

Today, however, is actually a really good day.

My dad started with waking up at 5 am, because Cimiron called me to wish me a happy birthday. I mean, it's 7 for him, and it was wayy early for me, but actually, I didn't mind. I thought it was sweet, and it definitely made my day! Then I got to school, and I thought everyone was gonna make a big deal about my birthday, but really, it's just been relaxing. My math class sang the birthday song to me, but otherwise, nobodies really said anything about it. (:

I don't have any plans for my birthday, it's just going to be another day filled with endless homework, and chores. I seriously have so much homework right now, it's a wonder I'm still alive. I keep procrastinating, and  it keeps piling up. But, alas, this weekend (Friday - Monday as I have no school for either days, and no competition this weekend) I will catch up on all my work. All of it. So for now I'm just waiting. :D I also want to do something this weekend, because I mean... C'mon! I'm 17, and I have to do something for my birthday. I have yet to find someone to hang out with or do something with yet, though. Guess I'll just keep trying!

I think later tonight, we're going out to dinner. Not my favorite thing to do, and I'm a bit worried. My brother (the other wayyyy older one) is supposed to call me at 7ish. I haven't talked to him since I was a little kid. And though we've been writing, it might be nice to talk to him. I'm also scared though, because I might run out of things to say, and then it'd just be really awkward.

I dunno.

Today's been really good though. I did and still do have a lot of anxiety, but it only started about an hour ago. So I figure that if I can run or walk after I get out of school, it might help. Just so I don't have to think. I think I'm finally starting to be more positive though, and for that I am so happy!!!

Anyways, I just kinda left in the middle of class to write this... So back to class I shall go! (:

A lot of things seem to be triggering me lately. Not in a bad way, just in a very irritating way.
The girl I used to be best friends with... K.
I sit in front of her for English. She was walking up to talk to the teacher, I guess to ask a question. I wasn't paying any attention, because I never do. Well, not to her anyways. I pay attention to the teacher most of the time.
Anyways, I happened to notice how skinny she was. Not like, eating disorder skinny, just, skinny. Like healthyish skinny. Thin. I happen to know that her mom in insanely skinny. I know she doesn't have an ED either, but she's really skinny.
Anyways, back to K. Almost immediately, my first thought was "She dropped you as her friend because she didn't want to be seen with someone so fat." Then Ana started whispering more. How she must laugh at me because I'm so horridly fat, or that she knows I'm a liar and an attention seeker. All these things. And I couldn't bring myself to disagree.

All in all, it probably lasted about 30 seconds, tops. The seeing her part, I mean. But those thoughts?
Yeah, they're sticking around. They're not going anywhere.

It's still a good day, I just had to write that out.

I'm back... And better than ever!

What can I say?
Nothing really.

I'm not 100% sure if I'm back on track, or if I'm just bullshitting everything. But moving away from my blog didn't really help much. It just kinda made me and my progress, frozen almost?
This is like my little corner of the universe to rant and rave in. I can't give that up, can I? [;
Naww, so I'm back.

Despite going downhill in my control factor (Getting it back though!!!) and having some issues, I feel like I'm in a good mood. Though I'm pretty good at bullshitting myself to the point of belief, but for now, I'll just roll with it. :D
I'm slowly getting caught up on my work from the last 2 weeks. There's so much to do, and therefore I wish to procrastinate!! But I know that I can't. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I am free!!! ^_^
I have a 4 day weekend this week (No school on Friday or next Monday), so it's ass kicking time for my work!!
Of course, that also means I have a color guard competition. We had one last Saturday... And in my opinion, it sucked.
I dropped every toss we threw, and I messed up a lot of drill. Needless to say, I wasn't the only one. We ended up getting last place in our division, with a score of 39.90. The scores are out of 100, so that should tell you how bad we did.
I hope to improve this week though, as much as I can. Our instructor wants to add more to it on Tuesday, which is going to be really stressful, but hey, I've only had about 3 days to learn the whole show, so I shouldn't be stressing. I mean, it's not the end of the world, if we suck, right?
I've started counting down the weeks till it's over, just because I'm excited not to have to go anymore. It's fun, but so stressful. At least right now. Maybe later it won't be. I have 8 more practices, 4 more competitions, and 4 more weeks left!!!
There's so much cold weather here.... And that makes me sad inside, because I really wanted to start running again... Just not in like 10 degree weather. -_-
I got new headphones!!! Finally! Mine broke while I was on vacation, and I wasn't able to get new ones until now. I live with them in my ears, pretty much 24/7... So I'm glad to have them back!!
I actually got out of my hermit hole on Saturday/Sunday and hung out with a friend of mine. We went to the movies, saw Breaking Dawn: Part 2. I know, I know.... Vampires, Werewolves, etc... NO. Buuut..... I like them still. Jacob (Taylor Lautner is hot!!) :D
I laughed quite a bit, and I got a duck army!! (Randomness...)
Basically, now I have like 40 little rubber ducks... I don't know why but I love them (:
It felt so nice to laugh. For once. To not be so upset, or down, or depressed. Of course, those emotions are still there, but I guess "Fake it till you make it"? So even if it's not actual happiness (What the hell is actual happiness anyways??!!?) I'll take it.

Not looking forward to today, but actually, that's just because I would rather be at home! Haha.
I misplaced some very important things that I NEED, so I have to find them.
I don't know what I did with them, but I pray to Jesus that I didn't permanently lose them. Otherwise, I'm in deep shit! I always do this. -_- I lose everything, no matter how hard I try not to. I might just have to start gluing things to myself... Awkward!!
But seriously, I lose everything. No bueno!!

On the downside, I've been cutting/burning a lot recently. Like, more than usual. Yesterday, it was 3 times. Which, damn. I now that I shouldn't, but it's like if there's anything that stresses me out, and I can't cope with it, that's my out. Bad habits, I know. But I guess it's normal for me, so I don't see how bad it is?
I've started texting Cimiron again, telling him every time I do something self destructive. It isn't as much as I'd like it to be, but it has helped me tone things down a bit. I stopped for a while, because I didn't want him to know anything, but then I asked him if he wanted me to keep texting him. He said that it helped him understand what everyday is like for me. What I go through. And that it allowed him to support me more. So I returned to it.

Either way, today is a new day, and I'm hoping that I can keep this good mood.
No promises, but by looking at the last few days, well, I guess things are starting to look up? Maybe for once I can finally throw myself back into the light. Instead of hiding in this darkness. I'm working on changing my views on how I look at things.. Like with the cutting thing. I could look at it as a failure, so why try to change it? Instead, I'm choosing to see that today is a new day, and that it can only be a bad day if I let it be a bad day. It's easier said than done, but it's worth a shot.

So... I was supposed to be working on school work... but instead I've spent the last 45 minutes reading blogs, and writing. SO PRODUCTIVE. Oh well. I'll just have to work on things throughout the day. I can do this. Slowly but surely. I  have a lot of work to do, especially since if I don't get all my F's up by this Saturday, I'm ineligible to compete in the competition. Bleh... Why?? Best be getting on it, eh? xD

Need to get my shit together.

I looked at my measurements from January 10th... Which was the last time I posted them.

In some ways, they've gone up. Only a small bit, but fuck.

In other ways, they've gone down.

I don't know what to believe.

I haven't lost any fucking weight, thanks to vacation.

Guess I'll just try harder.

That should be my motto.

TRY HARDER.

I am such a failure. No matter what anyone says, I am. I can't deny that anymore.

So... I don't know what to do anymore.

I have some ideas, but no motivation. I don't believe in myself and doing this anymore. But I in no way want recovery..

I'm such a mess.

Whatever..

Thanks to everyone who supported me. It meant a lot.

And I'll remember that.

This might be my last post for a while.

Until I can get my shit together, and do something... I won't be posting.

I can't.

So.. seeya.

I told him to tell his teacher to give her my number.

I did it before I could change my mind.
The only think keeping me sane is that I know that I can back out if I don't want to do this. But I'll at least talk to her once.

It terrifies me....
But I guess It can't hurt.

So now, I play the waiting game.
I can do this.

I really hope I'm making the right choice.

Otherwise, things are going good. Not everything, but more than was yesterday. Which is a start.

Should I?

This is going to be a short update.

I talked to Cimiron, who talked to his health teacher about all the problems I'm having. I guess all she basically said was that she wanted to talk to me, personally. Of course he had to ask me before he could give her my number.
I simply told him I'd think about it.
I don't know what to do.

This woman will NEVER know me, she lives more than 2200 miles away, and she pretty much knows nothing about me.
Yet I am afraid that if I talk to her, she will find SOME way to get it back to my family, or someone. For whatever reason, I think that might happen.
She doesn't have any of my info, the only thing she'd know is my first name, and my number. That's it.
Am I being irrational about that?

Should I talk to her?
I am completely at a loss for what to do. I have no idea, no strand to go on.

Cimiron said that she's counseled enough people and helped another girl in another situation. He said that the other girl, suffering with and ED, eventually had to be rushed to the hospital. I think it's because she collapsed.
I am NOWHERE near that bad. I don't even look like I have an ED. I don't feel sick enough, or disordered enough, or screwed up enough. I don't know.

Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Anything. I have no idea what to do.

Help?

Alright.

I am going to try to the best of my ability...
But I may need some of your (people who read this blog) help,

Here's my goal:
I realize that I'm only making things worse for myself, by being negative.
It's not helping me in any way.
Unfortunately, I'm stuck in a cycle.
motivation-take action-mess up a bit-assume I failed so there's no point-get more depressed-self harm-NEGATIVITY-motivation
Something like that anyways.

But I can't do that.

I've realized just how tired I am of always being negative.
I realize it's a part of me, and I've kinda made it to where I can be negative, but I need to try to find a way to change that, if I have any hope of staying sane. Even a little bit.
Sure, I'll have times where I'm pissed off, or hurt about something. But that's normal, because I'm a teenager.

My birthday is in less than a week. I need to hopefully be somewhat happy by then. I would hate to spend my birthday ... well, let's just not go there.

What I need from people who read this, if they're willing..
If I post about something negative, can you possibly remind me why it is I shouldn't view it that way, and help me change my perspective on it?
I lose my motivation for this kind of thing easily... Which is why I'm asking for help. If I want to do this, I know that I can't do it alone. And I know that as soon as I'm a bit happier, or as happy as I can be with my ED and other issues, then I'll be able to get more control. I'll have more strength. Which is what I'm shooting for.

I don't even know if this makes sense... but this is what I need.
If you'd like to help, great.
If not, no worries! (:

I have the photos from Hawaii.
Don't know when I can upload them.
There's about 335.... So.. photo bomb!

Nothing is as I thought it would be.

Life is back to sucking.

And I'm back to barley managing.

Fuck me.

I give up.

Last day in Paradise - First day of control

It's my last day in Hawai'i.
I'm kinda sad to go, but at the same time, I'm excited to be back home. I actually miss school. I never thought I would say that. But I do. I'm scared to go back because I'll have so much work to do, but at least it will keep me from eating. (:
The last 2 days, have been really nice. There is a gym where I'm staying at right now, and they have a lot of different machines. I went running, and I was on the stair stepper and the elliptical yesterday, but only briefly. I also weighed myself, and I was up 10.2 lbs. Which made me want to self harm, and self destruct. Somehow I managed to keep it together.
I went back down there today, and spent 3 hours there. I felt good to know that I was burning calories, and getting in shape. That I had control again. I re-weighed myself, and I had lost 4.4 lbs. Which isn't bad. It was much better. Now I just have to keep going. I can do this. I'm feeling really motivated. I didn't think I would get a chance to run while I was on vacation, so I didn't bring proper shoes. Thanks to that, I got 4 water blisters on my feet yesterday. So I have to be careful. I was careful today as well, and I'm just going to take it easy for the next few days. I get home on Tuesday.
Once these heal, I'll start running every day, or at least 5 days a week. This will be hard while I'm in Color guard, but once I'm done with that, HELL YES. I will do this. I'm hoping that I can build up endurance while it's still cold, so that as the weather warms up, I can get used to it. I want to be able to run in the summer, but I usually don't because it's too hot.
I remember mentioning that I was going to do a 5 day fast, once I got back.But a friend of mine pointed out, that thanks to my 2 weeks of eating so much, my metabolism might be back up. So if I went back to eating less than 400 a day, my body would go back into starvation mode. So... I'm sticking to 500 a day. I'm fasting Monday, then going back up to 500 a day. I can't go any higher than that though, because the thought of that makes me want to cry.
I've been a lot more emotional recently, and I can't say I like it. It's making it harder to stay in control. But, I guess it happens. I don't want to gain any muscle. I know that muscle burns more fat, but It also makes me weigh more. I swear, I can't take it.
I'm so close to breaking right now, because of all the energy and hate I've been bottling up inside. Thanks to the fact that I can't SH or do anything to help while I'm on vacation. Tomorrow, I will though. I can do this. Only 2 more days. Thanks to flying.
We have 4 flights to get home. We fly from the big island to Maui, Maui to LA, LA to Sacramento, and Sacramento to Denver. Long day in airports... and flying. Should be easy enough to fast, right?

I feel like I'm rambling.
Haha sorry. XD
I do have one more thing to say though. Cimiron was taking health at his school, and once I told him how bad things had gotten with me and Ana, he more or less decided to talk to his health teacher and tell her what I was going through. Just to see what advice she could give.
I freaked out at first, but I realized, that this woman would NEVER see me, never know me. So what did it matter?
Anyways, he was supposed to go talk to her this week. Thanks to the fact that I'm on vacation, I can't call him to find out how it went and what she said. I'm kinda anxious about it. I wish nobody knew about my ED. I am constantly on edge. What if the wrong person finds out? What do I do then?
So.. I don't know what to do about that. I keep thinking about it all the time, and so far, the only conclusion that I've come to is that I need to get rid of everyone in my life who knows about it. Then, nobody can out me. I can start fresh, and nobody would know about Ana and I. Nobody. There would be no risk.
I don't know what to do about this. Too many people know. I mean, everyone who reads this blog, they won't ever know me. So that's all fine and dandy. But there's about 6 people in my actual life that know about this. It scares the shit out of me. So I guess sometime in the future, I'm gonna be losing a lot of friends. Nothing new really.
ANYWAYS. That was not the point I was trying to make. The point I was trying to make is that I'm anxious to see about what Cimiron's health teacher said. I don't know what to do about it. She's probably just going to tell me to get help, or that I should tell someone.... But hell no. I am not telling anyone ever again. I will make this my secret again.
I will make myself secure.
I can't believe I ever let so many people know about my ED. Ana and I are a team. I can't live without her, and everyone else doesn't understand that. They just want to take her away from me.
I can't allow that.

So..... if you've read through all of this.... Good for you. I just kinda rambled there... Sorry. I kinda do that a lot... I'm working on fixing that. So bear with me please?

The oh so random things that have been piling up in my head...

This post is gonna be kinda random... Just a heads up.
Mostly just completely odd things...
But that's how my mind works.

My dad loves to go fast.
Always has, always will.
I love it too.
The other day, I decided to just see the speeds in which he was going.
Just for shits and giggles.
Here's a few of them.. :D
He was going 50 in a 35, and at another time, he was going 70 in a 25.
LOVE the speed!!

I've also got one more day before I go home.
Just one.
We're staying at this resort... I think it's named the Sheraton Resort?
And they had a gym :D
So, while my dad decided to go take a nap, I went and ran on treadmills, other random machines and elliptical. I burned about 500 calories before I was forced to stop. I realized that I had 4 water blisters on my feet, which have been there for a while, but I only noticed them today. Only because I popped one. Otherwise, it was so nice.
I wanted to go run again tomorrow, while my dad is watching the Superbowl. I will never understand the allure of football. I don't know if I can go run tomorrow, but I might try to walk, or do some other machine, which doesn't involve standing/running on my feet. Any calories burned, is good.
I've also had a chance to weigh myself.
I was 10.2 lbs up from where I was before coming on this vacation. Ugh.
It might not have been entirely accurate, so.. I'm going to try to weigh myself again in the morning. If that fails, I'll try to eat as little as possible until 1. Which is when I'll go to the gym. I AM going tomorrow. Since it's open 24 hours, and it's free, I'm taking full advantage of that.
I am going to lose this fucking weight.
I REFUSE to stay here.
I will do this.
Ana and I are a team.
No excuses.
No mistakes.
No breaks,
I WILL DO THIS.

Next random note:
I've been learning Hawaiian while I've been here.
It's so much fun, and much better than English, in my opinion.
I haven't learned much, but here's what I know.
Alei'i means royalty. Pronounced ahlayee. If that helps.
Ahi means fire. It's pronounced how you'd think.
Wahine means girl. It's pronounced Waheeneh. (Love the spelling in the pronunciation.)
Kane means boy. There's an accent over the a, but my computer doesn't do that. It's pronounced Kahneh.
Na oli means chants. They do a lot of chanting here, or did in the past history. It's pronounced nah oleh.
Pele is the volcanic goddess. Pretty sure you can pronounce that.
Also... Just a random bit of knowledge. Here's the natives story of how Maui came to be. Ra/Ka (not 100% sure which one :( sorry.) came down from the heavens and brought the island of Maui up from the sea with his fishing hook.
Kinda weird, but that's the short version.

I so wish I could post my pictures... Soon. My dad spoke of getting a cord when we get home.
So indeed.

That wasn't as long as I expected it to be... But I guess that's good?!!?
(:

February!!

It seems like everyone is making posts about it being February. A new month.
A new start.
Which is all fine and dandy, I can agree it feels good to enter a new month. :D

But I have my own reasons for loving February!! And here they are. (:

1. Getting closer to Spring, where it isn't so cold!!! ^_^
2. MY BIRTHDAY. That's right. I have a birthday, in 12 days!!! I'mma be 17. That's right. ^_-
3. It's one month closer to July, which hopefully I will be able to see Cimiron in.
4. I'm in Hawaii!!! And I have an amazing tan, in the middle of WINTER!
5. I feel stronger, more in control. I can do this, and I will do this. Nothing can stand in my way. <3


I have more reasons than this, but these are my top 5. I'll update as I think of more..

This is how I feel right now. (:

4 days

Today was a good day, for the most part.
My dad got pissed off because we didn't do anything yesterday.
But we didn't do anything because he didn't want to go anywhere. Why? Because he was pissed at me.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him. He'll say something, and I'll agree. It's the wrong answer and he laughs at me for it. If I disagree, it's still the wrong answer, and he gets pissed at me.
I give up.
I'm gonna go sit on a deck with my headphones and music, and ignore him. I need my sanity.

We went to a volcano, an active one. It was amazing. You could see the lava boiling up, and we got to walk in part of the crater. Turns out, there's like 15 volcanoes on this island... Holy shit.
We also saw where the lava was flowing into the ocean.. It was so cool.
I took lots of pics, but I can't upload them. Stupid people.

I'm basically counting the days till I go home.
I've decided that I start my 5 day liquid fast on Monday, February 4th. That is when we fly out of here, and I get back Tuesday. Then the rest of the week should be pretty easy to fast. I'm hoping I'll drop a little bit of weight, because I've been eating so much here, I hope it's kicked my metabolism up.

I don't even want to get into my family, and what they're doing. Basically, shit.
I feel calmer now that it's close to the end of my time here, and I know that I'll be getting away from my dad soon. Less anxious.
But also, I talked to some people last night, and some things were made clear. Not in a bad way, and it's too long to explain, at least right now. But now I know where I stand with some people. I'd rather that then just not know.

I know that I'm gonna have shit to pay when I get home. I know already that as soon as I set foot in my house, and I'm out of sight of everyone, I'm gonna be SH a lot. I know that. But I'm not telling anyone, really. I don't want anyone to stop me. It'll basically be a release of all the energy that I've been bottling up while here. Which I guess will be a good thing. Though not in a good way.

I hope everyone is doing well, I've been trying to keep up with reading blogs.
Anyways, time to go listen to my tunes. :D
Xxxx

Randomness?!!?

Today has been A LOT better.
We didn't even do much.
We drove around the island, as this was our first day on the big island.
The whole island is built on lava.
The volcano here, erupted thousand of years ago, and they built the whole thing on the lava.
It's amazing.
I took some pictures, most were on my camera.
Bleh.
I took a few on my phone, I don't know how good they turned out.but I'll post them anyways.

6 more days here!!
It's getting better, not that it was ever bad.
I have had a good time, it just doesn't sound like it here..
I apologize for that.

I'll post all the pictures when I get home, and then you all can see what an amazing time I've had. :D

I'll post some of the pics from last time when I was in Maui.

Every day I spend here, I never want to leave. It is always warm, and it's rained a few of the days we've been here. I love it!!!

RAIN FOREVER <3

Also, while I'm being random here....
There's this kid on YouTube. His name is Sam Tsui. He does videos, singing. I am in love with him. His voice is amazing. D:
Check out this video here...
Bet you'll agree with me. [;

Also, here's the pictures of what I've taken from Hawaii.

Here's one of their cop cars... :D (Maui)

Here is the lava from the volcano (The Big Island)

Here's a beach in Maui

More lava rock! (:

Anxietyanxietyanxiety

So... I'm 5'8, and I'm 16. My birthday is next month, so 17.

I've looked around at a lot of websites and books...
And it's shown that if I gain 11 lbs... I will be considered obese.
11 lbs... Not too hard.
I'm so fucking scared to reach that.

I have been eating so much since I've been on vacation.
I can't say no, my dad has already looked at me funny when he caught me doing jumping jacks in my room.

I know I've reached 196.
I'm fucked,

And I have SO much anxiety.
I want to die.
I always do.
This time though, it seems more realistic.
I have the feeling I might try again before the end of this vacation.
Sure, it's the cowards way out.
But I don't fucking care.
I can't do this.
I'm falling apart...........

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.


I can't even sit here and write out what I'm feeling...
I need to move.
To go.
I need to do something.
Anything.
God dammit.
I fucking hate me.
I'm pathetic.

Even old ladies say it.

Some old lady at the beach called me fat. I was sitting there, in the sun, listening to my music, and she came up to me and stared talking.
After not even a minute, she told me that I needed to start exercising, because being fat is no good.
The fuck.
Like I don't know that....

Basically, I got pissed off, after she commented on some other things.

When my dad came out later, he asked what was wrong.
I told him that a lady called me fat, and he said that she was a grandmother, it's what they do.
Fuck that.

Then I told him that he said the same things, so what's his excuse?
He just said that he's my dad and he's allowed to do that.
Whatever.

The only good thing out of this, is that I got a lot of pretty pictures of the beach, and that I got a tan. :D
I would upload them, but I can't since the cord to my camera was in my dads duffle bag. Which got stolen when people broke into our house.

11 more days.
I can do this.
I love the heat here.
The warm, the sunshine.
Getting a tan.

I'm just going to have to enjoy it, and not try to let this bother me.
I have 11 days left.
I can do this.
I wish I could upload my photos, but I can't get another cord until I get home.
Oh well.
Today wasn't entirely a bad day, I just had to get that out of my system.

Just want to die

I know I've gained.
I know it.

It's unavoidable.
But I can't even look at myself in the mirror, and when I sit down, I want to die.
My stomach sticks out so much.
It's horrifying.

I want to die.
I know it's the "Coward's way out" but I can't do this..
I SH tonight. It wasn't the first time today either. Earlier, I was upset over something my dad said, so I beat my knuckle on the car until it was swollen and bruised.
I'm supposed to be on vacation. I shouldn't be doing this.
But I don't know what else to do.

We leave to go to the big island on Monday..
I am so terrified that I won't last that long.
I can't stand this..

Fuck me.
I just want to die.
I don't care how.
The more pain the better.
I just can't get these suicidal thoughts out of my head...

5 days down, 11 more to go. FUCK.

I am the single worst person on the planet.
I'm fat.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm selfish.
Whiny.
I'm useless.
I'm not worth it.

Fuck me.
Fuck me.
Fuck me.
FUCK ME.

I'm not even gonna say anymore.
I've already said too much.
I want to delete this blog.
All it is is bullshit.
I don't want to be in Hawai'i. Yet I want to be here forever.
Fuck this.
It's a paradox.

To much to wish for?

I've realized something.

I like to argue.
Maybe i'm living in a fairytale, but I want someone to fight for me.
I want someone to fight for me to get healthy.
Someone to care.
Someone to hold me accountable,
Someone to know my bad habits and to try to help.

Does that even make sense?
It isn't coming out right, what I want.

I want to know that someone cares about me enough to not give up.
I feel like I try to fight for everyone I care about.

For example: (This is taken from a blog I found, but I won't post the name, for anonymity.)
Here is the excerpt from the post.

"He found some cuts. I moved away when I felt his hand go to my hip, but I had turned all the lights off so he couldn't see, and I figured they wouldn't be felt too much...I guess? I don't know. I was stupid. So suddenly, he asks, "What's that?" and pulls away from kissing me. It's one of those moments when you realize something awful is happening, and you'd give anything to go back, go back just two seconds, but you can't, and you are talking and lying and saying dumb things but really, you're pulling away from your body and feeling the time passing and sinking into a terrible blackness.

Obviously, he didn't believe me. He sat up and just stared at me, so shocked. And what could I say? That the two parallel cuts on my waist were an accident? He knew.
He looked so hurt and disappointed. I told him it was a momentary relapse, that I'm just dumb and I don't know.
How can I explain it? He wanted me to tell him why cutting my body helps. I can't. I don't know why. I have all this pain inside that can't be explained, it doesn't belong to any words, it's just there, and it eats at me and suffocates me while I pretend it doesn't exist. When I cut, it makes pain real, and I can deal with it because it's a physical, bleeding thing. I like to have cuts so I can rub them and scrape them when I start feeling like I am floating away, because it brings me to the ground. But I can't say that. No one understands.

He told me to show him what I used, and I cried harder. I said I couldn't, I can't talk about it like that. Don't make me tell you what I used. Don't make me tell you when. Don't make this real. Talking makes it real I can't talk about it.

He said I needed a therapist, that there was obviously something much deeper here. I told him that I wasn't getting worse, I was getting better....I cut every day before we were dating. Now, just once. He looked right at my eyes and said, "Once, only once, since we've been married?" and my body went cold. No, not once, many many times, many places, many ways, many nights silently crying and wishing my heart would stop, but I couldn't say that, so I just said nothing, and he said he knew I had new scars. He said I had severe depression, I needed to talk to someone, he couldn't fix me alone. He said that I have all the symptoms, and that I use alcohol to make myself feel better, which is dangerous. He said so many terrifying things that are oh, so true.

But I can't. It was like watching a movie. I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I said stupid, dumb, promising things that we both know are lies so that the moment would end. Just end. I was watching myself be that person...the addict, the anorexic, the alcoholic, the thief....that person in all the shows and movies that you think, 'Just give up already, you are making a fool of yourself." But I can't

So I told him I would stop. I said I didn't realize what it did to him, and I was so sorry, and I will never do it again. I said it wasn't worth this happening again, I hated it, and I would just stop. I told him I would be okay, I'd talk to him, I wouldn't hurt myself. And all the time I know that I can't stop. I can't imagine life without hurting myself. Typing this, and all I want to do is cut. I was sitting there....in front of him...telling him these things and thinking of things I could do that aren't visible. Pulling hair...pinching....bruises, because I don't think he'll suspect that...."

Someone to care... like that.
I guess.
Someone to hold me, or give me a hug, or just look at me and know...  But not try to be the one to fix everything.

Whenever someone cares, I argue. I justify why I should do it, why I have to do  it. Why I have to starve, and self harm.
And just like that, they give up. I don't feel like anyone really wants to fight for me, but why should they?
I'm not worth their time.

Please, please tell me. Is what I want to much to wish for?
Am I being unrealistic?
Because I want this, but I don't want to stop self harming. It is a release for me. Like the excerpt above says. It's a way to make the unbearable pain inside real.
I don't want to stop, but I want someone to care.
It isn't for attention, I don't want attention.
I just want to disappear.
To go away.
If I can't disappear, I want to live on my own, away from everyone.
Just by myself.
Where I can't be hurt by anyone but myself.

I have found my motivation.
My motivation to fast, to starve, to go to bed and wake up hungry.
To feel light,
And free.
To know that I am doing something.
My motivation to be skinny,
and in control.

I have found my revulsion for myself again,
My strong need to cut.
Once I get back home, into winter,
And I no longer have to wear shorts,
I know my legs will go back to being covered in cuts.
And probably my stomach too.

So far, my dad hasn't noticed the scars on my shoulder. There are 12 perfectly straight ish lines on my left shoulder, and a little farther down, there's 16 more. There is also the word "fat" on my arm.
I think it's funny that if I look at my shoulder, I can see the scars bright as day.
But when I look in the mirror, you can't see them.
I wonder if they'll fade before Cimiron gets here. They should.
What about the new ones I know I'm going to make?

Never mind, I don't want to talk about him.
I'm pissed off, but I don't know why.
I thought I could write it out, but the words won't come.
So again, I'll say nothing.

I don't want to burden people anymore.
I don't want to cry.
I don't want to want to cut every time my dad says something to me.
He is continuously making comments.
Strengthening my resolve to starve when I get home.
I won't forget these comments.
I still remember the ones from 3 years ago.

I feel like if I want to be happy, I have to stop being soo negative.
Simple as that.
Only it's not.
Here, I don't feel like I have to fake smiling, fake happy.
Fake okay.

Everywhere else, with everyone, I do.
I want someone else to tell me things I think about myself.
Someone else to validate what I'm thinking inside.
But I don't even want to write it.
I'm so tired right now.
But I'm afraid to sleep.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Or I sleep, but not restful sleeping.
I feel like because I am in Hawaii, I'm supposed to be happy, and having a good time.
And while I'm out, doing things, I am. I'm having a good time.
But all too soon it's over, and I'm left inside my head.
A dangerous place to be.
And once I'm in, I can't get out.
I can't escape.

I finished all my homework, what I could anyways.
So no more of that.
I read my book, so nothing there.
I got stung by a jellyfish.
Just my luck, huh?
I didn't mind though.

I want to punch and kick and cut.
I want to break the mirror, while I stare at someone that can't be me,
I want to be normal/
I want to be so skinny, people stare at me.
On a good day, if I suck in my stomach just a little bit, you can see my ribs.
Normally this would mean progress,
But I'm still so fat.
I haven't lost any weight,
And that makes me sink farther and farther into
this shit hole.
The one that I feel like I'm drowning in.

But I always am, aren't I?

I want to delete this blog.
Because all it is is my complaints.
My whining.
I'm so pathetic by putting it out there.
I don't deserve it.
Nobody should be reading this.
Why do you read it anyways?
What makes you want to?
I seriously am curious.

I guess at one time or another, I will have to sleep.
It's 11:30pm here in Hawaii, but in Colorado, it's 2:30.
I wish I could.... I don't know.
So many things I wish.

It's only my second or third day here.
I'm too tired to remember.
Why can't I just be happy?
Enjoy it?
I feel like such an attention seeker.
But writing here, it's the only place I can let that pain out.
So that it doesn't eat me alive.
I've eaten so much since coming here.
And I'm so bloated.
Again, my mind returns to my dads comments.
Ana + my dad.
The perfect combination.
I wonder how I'm still alive.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
2  weeks is wayy too long.
I'll break wayy before then.
If I haven't already.

I don't even make any sense.
I feel high, because I'm so tired.
I really should sleep.
It sounds nice in practice.
But in reality, no.
So I'll suck it up, and go sit on my bed listening to artists sing about how I feel,
With words in such a way that I could never speak.
They're almost poetic.
I tried once...


It failed.

Guess it isn't meant for everyone.

Just turn your back and walk away with a smile

Today's been a better day.
In some ways.

In other's, it's been worse.

We were at the beach earlier, and I wanted to swim. When I came back to where my dad was sitting, he looked at me and told me that I should have gotten a bigger swimming suit.
Maybe this was a harmless comment, but I took it as a detrimental one. That I was fat, that it was too small, that I was horrid.
Because the fact of the matter?
In the top sizes they had in the store, I got the biggest one.
The biggest they had.
And it still doesn't fit?
What the fuck.
Proving my grotesqueness once again.
I wanted to say something to him.
Something mean.
Instead, I turned my back and walked away.

I didn't let it bother me.
When anyone else says something like that, I just ignore them.
Who are they to me?
Their words really mean nothing.
When my dad or someone in my family says it, all fucking hell breaks loose.

We drove around a bit too, but mostly took it easy.
I got some work from school done (Even on a holiday, I can't take a break! haha xD).
Though it's amazing here, and so pretty, it's kinda nice to take it easy too.
I don't really have much else to say, I'm sorry this post turned negative/rant-like.
I do that a lot.

Hawai'i

So I spent most of yesterday flying on airplanes.
We flew from Denver, to Sacramento, California.
Then from Sacramento to Los Angeles, California.
Then from Los Angeles, to Maui, Hawai'i.

LA isn't what everyone makes it out to be. I much preferred Sacramento. Maybe it's just me.
Hawai'i is beautiful.
I almost cried when I got here, just because I thought about how I would have to leave, and I never want to.
But at the same time, I got really suicidal knowing that I wouldn't have my razor blade or my laxatives, and that I wouldn't have any control over my food intake. But I also love trying the Hawaiian food here. It's so culture rich. I have fallen in love with Fried Pineapple. So bad for you, but I guess I won't be eating it once I leave.
I've made a deal with myself, which I think is why I'm not jumping off of any cliffs yet.
I am allowed to eat only at mealtimes, and I can eat anything I want. Within reason, of course.
When I get back to Colorado, on Feb 6th, I am doing a 5 day liquid fast. I don't give a fuck if I have to say that I have some deadly disease, I AM NOT EATING.
Simple as that.
Eating this much should boost my metabolism anyways. So I guess it could be worse.

It is helping, a bit. Not as much as I need it to.
This is the first vacation I've taken where Ana has really been a part of my life.
I can't say I hate it. I like that she's helping me keep in control.
Without her, I'd be even fatter.

In about 2 hours from now, we're going to get a swimming suit. We couldn't find one while I was in Colorado, because it was the middle of winter. So we're getting one here. I am more or less freaking out. I've only eaten once today, and it was grilled chicken with lettuce, onions, and some french fries. Not too bad, but bad. I can't worry though.

My dad has started up with the comments again....
Earlier today, we were walking around, and he told me to suck in my stomach. I didn't dare ask why.. I was already burning with humiliation.
I really and truly hate him.
A hate that I don't think I can ever forgive.
Sure, i'm happy and greatful that he took me on this vacation, but I hate him.
Even here, I won't be free.
I never am.

Just thinking about that comment he made, I want to cry.
I want to cut, take laxatives, and find some god damn way to purge. I don't even fucking know why I can't.
I feel like i'm losing any sanity I had,
This vacation was supposed to give me a breath from the suffocation I was feeling at home.
The helplessness.
The suicidal thoughts.
Instead, they've only come with me.

How dare I think that my dad had changed?
He has been joking with me, laughing, being kind.
Is it all some kind of sick joke?
Or is he really just that fucking naive?

I'm so hurt by that comment he made... I can't even describe it.
I've never ever felt a hatred like this before.
13 months.
13 months.
386 days.
I can do this.
I have to.

To make it even worse, I can't talk to Cimiron. I was 2 hours behind him when I was in Colorado, and now i'm 5. Which if you think about it, is kinda a big time difference. So I guess I will just have to talk to him when I get back. Unless it's through Facebook. 2 weeks.... That's a long ass time. Ugh. Somtimes, it seems so easy to lose him. To just say "This isn't working" and BAM! There's nothing I can do. #Long Distance Relationship Problems.
LOL

Anyways, enough of my complaints.
I'm just gonna shove them away, and enjoy my time here.
2 weeks.
Nowhere near long enough, and nowhere near short enough.
^ story of my life.
Haha

Here's a photo that I took. It isn't great. My phone has a shitty camera. But i'll upload the ones off my camera later, and try to get the rest off my phone.
Time to go fit my fat ass into a swimming suit and go to the beach! And get a tan! (:

Blog link!

I realized that I had never posted the link to my new blog...
So here it is!
http://finding-my-way-to-happiness.blogspot.com/

I have only posted once there, but once I get back from vacation, I will for sure post more!! (: So don't give up on me yet!

No Sense.

Woke up this morning, thinking about what I had to do today.
And immediately I wanted to get back into bed.

It isn't even that bad.
The main thing that is giving me anxiety is that I have to go get a swimming suit. The one I had from last summer doesn't fit me in the chest area anymore (because I got fatter) and so I can't wear it. Nevermind that it's gonna be so hard to find a swimming suit in the middle of winter, but I don't even want to look at myself. I know that I won't like my body in the swimming suit, but there used to be a point where I could barely tolerate it. Just a bit. Just enough. I don't know if I have that anymore.

I don't want to go.

I have so much to do before tomorrow, we leave at 9am.
Ugh.
So I best be going to get on that, eh?
Today is going to be a good day, despite my anxiety levels!

I wanted to post some pics from when we were last in Hawaii, but my computer isn't letting me. So I'll probably do it later. (:

New Blog!

I made a new blog.
Here on blogger. It was originally gonna be on WordPress, but my computer doesn't like WordPress, for some reason.
And I really like Blogger, so I made it here instead. (:

It is just going to be my journey to rediscovering myself, what makes me happy. It is completely un-ED related, and hopefully, it'll be a place that I can go to when I need to smile or laugh. A happy place. I still intend to write here, of course. Maybe I'm a bit obsessed. (:

Feel free to follow, and contribute, if you'd like. If you don't want to, no worries. I just thought I'd mention it here, in case anyone wanted to check it out.

Optimism?

I think my perspective on things is starting to change. I'm feeling optimistic, and while that is probably just my excitement over going on vacation in 2 days talking, I hope it sticks around for a while.
There is a downside, I am so bloated, I swear I've gained like 5 lbs. Probably more. I have insane cramps, and I would take some Ibuprofen to help, but that requires eating first, and to that I say hell no.
It's getting easier and easier to just not eat. Especially when I can't even stand to touch myself. Like let my hand brush my leg, or go anywhere without wearing my giant baggy hoodie. I pretty much live in that thing, because I can't stand to see myself without it.
I suppose this should only last a week though, and if I don't eat, by the time I'm not bloated anymore, I'll be even skinnier! So I guess it's a good thing??

Today isn't gonna be interesting for me. I'll probably just clean my room, maybe do some homework, and listen to music once I get back from doing my errands. I have to walk like 12 miles, no joke. Just because I lost my bus pass. -_- But yay for exercise!!!

I'm such an exciting person. Haha. Not really.
But such is my life. (:

It's almost vacation time!! I think I'm finally starting to get excited!! :D :D

I leave Tuesday.. In case you were wondering. ^_-

I am also fasting Monday and Tuesday, with Emma. I need it, and I can't wait. (:

I guess I'll write more tomorrow, but I thought I'd just say.. I'm not dead. (:

Start looking up, not down.

Everything  that can go wrong, seems to be going wrong.

My dad is out of work.

Our house got broken into.

My dad got frauded for a condo in Hawaii, we leave in 4 days. He is having trouble finding another place.

School is falling apart, and I can't seem to keep up on my studies between school and guard.

I don't even want to be in color guard. But I can't quit. She said that we weren't allowed.

I wish I had never joined.
Maybe once we start competing, it won't be so bad.

I try to fast, to get some control, and shit happens where I get forced to eat. I have no power over my food intake, or what the hell I'm eating. This is why i got really suicidal, or have been. Depends on how you look at it. I have no control, over anything. I feel like i can't put one foot on solid ground, and like I am just falling, and that I don't know where I'll end up. I feel so overwhelmed, and angry. So I end up gaining weight. My ultimate hate. That makes me SH, take laxatives, and fall apart.
I thought I was stronger than this.

With my dad's money troubles, I have always felt that when he is having problems, I get sucked into it. One way or another. I feel bad for him. Something similar to pity, but not quite it. I don't like it. I would rather feel hatred or anger. I can deal with those emotions, but not these ones. I feel like I'm a burden to him, to everyone around me. And it seems like nothing anyone else says can change how I feel.
I realize how much I am like my dad.
How I don't feel many emotions. I can be happy, but it seems like I am never happy these days.
How I see needing help as a weakness, and that I should be strong enough to not need help.
How I am starting to hate people.
I guess it's true what they say. That you become your parents
I don't want to be him.
I wan to be happy.
I want to smile and laugh.
I want to get out of this.

I know that if I continue on this way, I will never have friendships, I'll shut myself off from the world, I'll lose my boyfriend. Eventually.
I don't want that, any of that.
I want to be happy.
Laugh.
Smile.
Have good days, but have the bad ones too.
Even if I can't change the fact that I SH, or have an eating disorder, I want to be more optimistic.

How? For one thing, I would love to make a friend. Just one.
But I am bad at that, because I don't like large groups of people, I'm not social. I'm not the approacher, i'm the approachee.
If that's even a word.

Long story short, I need to change things. A lot of things.
I said that I was going to reinvent myself.
I want to.
Just gotta find a way to start.

I have so much to say.
I need to talk.

But I don't want to talk to anyone, look at anyone, be within 5 feet of anyone. I just want to scream "Fuck off!!!!!".

So instead, I'll stay silent, pop some laxatives, and rely on my self harm to take away my pain and confusion. My anger and lostness.

Worry after worry

I worry so much about my relationships with people.
I worry that I burden them
I worry that I bother them.
I worry that they will hate me.
If they know about my Eating Disorder, or my Self Harm, then I worry they will run away.
That they will give up on me.
That they can't deal with me.
I worry that I will get hurt.
I worry that I will hurt them.
I worry that I can't be good enough.
I worry that I make them worry.
I worry about them telling other people how messed up I am.
I worry that I will lose them.
I worry that they only feel pity, or something similar to it, towards me.
I worry that I just waste their time.
I worry that they stick around me because they're afraid of what I'd do if they didn't.
I worry that they see me as weak.

I know that some of these are irrational, but most of these things, I've worried about no matter what kind of relationship it is. If it's an acquaintance, I worry. If it's a friend, I worry. If it's my boyfriend, I worry. If it's family, I worry.

I don't want to live like this. I want to change it. I want to be proved wrong.
I want to change how I see things.
But I don't even know how. This is more or less a habit, a moral. A deep part of me, because it's always been that way.
I've had my dad tell me that I am a waste of his time, he's made me feel like I'm a burden to him.
I've had friends tell me that I'm a waste of time, that they just can't deal with me. That they don't care enough, so they just give up.
Everyone, in my life, fits into one of those categories of worries.

I want a way out. I don't want to worry so much, not about this.

If anyone has ever had any of these worries, and overcome, them, or changed them... Maybe you could share a bit about it and how you got over it? Anything is welcome, at this point, I just need something.

Everyone needs to laugh every once in a while.

Every time I see this, I laugh. xD

Weigh-In tomorrow

I have a weigh-in tomorrow.
To see if I've reached my first goal weight.

I hope, and I pray that I have.
I'm fasting tomorrow so that I can make my weight as low as possible. I don't want to leave anything to chance.
I'm so excited, yet terrified.
Story of my life.

It still  amazes me that people can be one way, but someone else can be the opposite.

It just confuses me.

But I'm so grateful for the support, and help that anyone is willing to give me. Even if I don't think I want it.

Today just hasn't been a great day.

Cimiron told me to to text him every time I've been wanting to engage in self destructive behavior. And I have, much as I don't want to. Or as much as I'm afraid to.

Still. I ditched the last few periods of my day, of school.

I just didn't want to do anything, talk to people, pretend to focus. Pretend to care.

I went for a run. My days are so boring all the time, I'm so surprised that I had the energy to go for a run anyways. I should do much more. I am so scared to go back home.

Just because I can never breathe when I'm there. Not to mention my dad said he wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I've been practically living off of Chicken Noodle Soup. It's only 180 calories, I can deal with that. It allows me to stay below 400. But when we go out, I have no control. Nothing. I hate that, and it gives me a lot of anxiety.

I still feel like there's nothing wrong with me. That I'm just imagining it. Like I don't have an eating disorder, I don't self harm, I don't abuse laxatives, I don't SH. I feel like I'm not sick enough. I realize that most people who suffer with this feel the same way I do.

Is it just a normal standard of people who have ED's?

Is anything normal anymore?

Two Sides Of The Same Coin

I suppose that it is true.
True that misery loves company.
I feel like there are two different people living inside of me.
Not me and Ana.
Me and me.
Another version of me.

One who depends on people. One who doesn't need anyone.
One who wants to see people in my position recover. One who doesn't want to be left alone.
One who hates people. One who just wants to be cared about.

I feel like there is always something wrong with me. I am such a pessimist. I can see that, in myself. But if anyone else says it, I disagree.
I am working on ways to change that.

Ways to change my outlook on everything.
Ways to not be so open with people.
Ways to reach my goals.

I don't understand it.
But i'm working on it.

When did my mind become my own worst enemy? The most confusing thing? Not understandable? When did I lose myself?
Or have I only thought this when it isn't true?

Back In Control

It's funny how my mind works. Or how I work, I suppose.

On one hand, I want to be around people, and have a best friend that I can laugh with and smile with. A best friend that will do crazy things with me, and who I can trust.

On the other hand, I really don't need one. I'm perfectly fine on my own, so why change it? Why let someone in who can only end up hurting me in the end? Why let them in when all I will do is hurt them?

So I don't.

Maybe it's just the mood of going on vacation in a week. But I feel in control. For once.
I feel like I have the power to make myself skinny, lose weight, and keep it that way.
Even last night, when I ate a lot more than I should have, it didn't feel like a binge. And I didn't entirely freak out as such. Sure, I wanted to cut, and scream, and self destruct. Instead, I took control, and took a shower, cleaned my room, and made a plan for today.
Control feels amazing.

I'm generally in a happyish mood. I don't feel negative, or down, or upset. I don't feel super happy, invincible, or like I can do anything. I just feel, a little better than okay, I suppose.
Which I'll take any day.

Also, I am totally in love with The Pretty Reckless, and Taylor Momsen. Oh my god. She is amazing, and I love her band. :D :D :D :D :D

She is so perfect...

Again.

Sick again. Got to school and threw up.
Ugh.
What is wrong with me?

So I'm going home, to sleep and not eat.
At least I can fast, and lose more weight.

Always find the bright side! Hope everyone is good! (:

Day 12!!!

SO... Day 12 was supposed to be day 7, and day 14.... Like once every week to track my progress...
But that horribly failed.

So. I weighed myself today.
I have reached a new low weight of 176.5!!!!
That's 1.5 lbs away from my first goal weight!!! :D :D :D

If I can lose 4 lbs in 12 days (without laxatives) then I am pretty sure I could at least lose 6 in 11 days with them..
I am feeling so optimistic right now, I guess lower numbers on the scale do that to you, right?
I know I have a long ass way to go to reach my goal weight of 120 or less, but for right now, I'll take this achievement.

So, no pictures. I thought that I would just post a before and after pic, and regularly post my measurements.
So here they are. Much more accurate than they were last night.

Current weight: 180.1 176.5
Arm: 11 inches (no change)
Thigh: 24 inches 21 inches
Waist: 31 inches (no change)
Wrist: 6.5 inches 6 inches
Hips: 39 inches 38 inches
Calf: 15 inches (no change)

I can so do this. Gahh, I hope my optimism sticks around. I feel so.... I don't know.
A wee part of me is happy, but a much larger part is like "Fuck you. Don't hope. You can't do this. Losing that weight was just a stroke of luck. Give up. You'll never reach it." etc. So... Yes.

I don't know a good way to end this post... So...... Yeah...... (:
Hai.

Random, but excited!!

I feel like I have so much to say, but I don't have the words.
Like I can't even begin to put a sentence together.
I wish someone could read my mind. And just read the things I'm thinking, without me having to say them.
Sometimes it's just hard.

I did get the laxatives yesterday, and they work really well. I feel so much better knowing I have them. It's yet another bad habit I'm indulging in, but hey. I've got so many, what's one more?
I would like to say that I'm weighing myself today, but I don't know.
I need to get a scale of my own, but even that won't happen for a long ass while.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in a good mood. ^_^
I'm at school, and I've already got homework, but I don't mind. This semester is going to be great. I also started my college class today. I'm a bit intimidated by the teacher, and the class. But I will hope for the best.
For once, I don't feel completely negative about it. That's the one thing I hate most about myself, is how negative I can be.
So I'm trying to change it.

I need to stay motivated. So here's my motivation. And some more, but of a different sort.

I can't wait!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D 11 days!!!

Scared to hope

So this is kinda stupid... but I took my measurements in a kinda sketchy way. I compared them to my measurements from day 1, and some have gone down. I'm scared to hope though. Scared to want. To get optimistic about it.

I am having a hell of a time getting any free time to weigh myself and take my measurements  One of these days it will happen. I guess.

Never changes.

You think you have friends.

People who support you and who you can rely on.
But as soon as you get comfortable, something gets thrown at you, and suddenly you're back to spiraling down into the abyss that I've come to know as home.

I know it is going to happen. So why do I keep insisting that it will change? Somehow, sometime, I guess that's just humanity.


Hope. Fall. Hurt. And repeat.

But I am smarter than that, stronger. I won't fall I have one too many times.

I am alone in this. Always have been, always will be.
No hope, no lies, no trust. Just me. And Ana, but she's in my head, so just me.

Again.

Not healthy, but happy.

For once.

So... Today was really good. It was my last day of freedom before I go back to school tomorrow. I hung out with Katie and it was so nice!! I swear, we should do it again. [;

Then I have 13 days before I go to Hawaii!!! I am beyond excited!!!
We're hiking to a bunch of volcanoes, and I'll have no way to control my food intake while I'm there.
That thought creates a lot of anxiety, but maybe if I control my portions, I can burn more than I eat.

I will have no way to weigh myself when I am there... so that's 2 full weeks of not knowing. Fuck.
I will try though, and I swear, I'm weighing myself as soon as I get back.
I just have to try to be okay with this... Somehow.

I have no weight update today, I ended up not being able to weigh and measure, once again. But tomorrow, I for sure will. I also go to pick up laxatives. There's a chance I might be able to get them, and I'm excited for that. Just for the chance to lose more weight, because I need to.
I swear, I'm putting too much hope into this. I am so scared to fall.
But that isn't going to stop me. I guess I will just try it and see what happens.

Last night, once again I SH. I never SH there. I don't know why I did it on my wrist. I really don't. Bu now I'm all paranoid that someone will see it. It's kinda noticeable, and too far up for bracelets to cover. I don't wear make-up, so foundation coverage is out.
Any one have any ideas?
I also need some diet tips. Just simple ones. Preferably ones that don't need other things.
If anyone is interested in sharing some, comment below. But I don't entirely expect to get any comments about this one. At least not helpful ones.

I need to say something straight up. I do not want recovery. I do not want to stop indulging in behaviors, or be healthy. I will get to a healthy weight, but for now, it's gonna be unhealthy. So you might as well stop telling me to do it the healthy way. I don't want to.

So I guess that's that.
I am so not looking forward to school tomorrow. I like my break. I don't wanna go back to waking up at 6 am or earlier, and having homework. I'm starting to dread color guard practices, just because they take so long. But I love the exercise.
On the bright side, I can start again, brand new, and do amazing at school. I need to get my 4.0 back. I know, I'm such a nerd. But I am me! (:

Day 8

Well, day 8 is actually going to be posted tomorrow as day 9. I can't weigh myself, or take my measurements... so I will have to post it tomorrow.

Pretty exciting. Pretty sure I've lost ZERO weight.

As usual.